Soulmatter
by FatedFeathers
Summary: Will a cure for vampirism bring answers to questions long forgotten? Is love a matter of the heart, or a matter of the soul? Or is it simply just a matter of choice?
1. Prologue

**_Disclaimer__: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer._  
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**Prologue**

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**o~*iii*~o**

Images flickered through my mind, blurring from one into another; some familiar, others not. The feelings that engulfed me weren't new to me, nor were the conflicts that jarred my mind as I felt the scorching heat envelop me as his hands roamed up my back. In the same moment the urgent, wet lips moved over mine, and the groan that came from the man trying to coax a reply out of me was frustrated. He demanded that I stopped fighting him, that I was making things more difficult than they needed to be. Again, confusion whirled through my brain, and I vaguely recognized the voice, but I couldn't understand why he was there, or what he was asking of me. If this were truly who I thought it was, why was he kissing me? Harder yet to conceive, why did something inside me tell me that this was right—it was meant to be? But unlike all the other times – I would always fight him off, and I would awake from the tormented and emotional turmoil – he came at me again, and I found myself relenting. An immense heat surged in my chest, shooting through my veins, burning me with tremendous agony, and for a moment it was as if my heart were trying to pound its way out of my chest.

I awoke with a scream, clutching my chest through my drenched nightshirt. My mouth felt dry, as if I hadn't had a drink for days. I panted and gasped for air. The heat within me was still present, but the burn had dissipated, and all I felt was the bad aftertaste of yet another dream; the very same one that had plagued me for the past week.

It made absolutely no sense, and no matter how hard I tried to search my memories, I couldn't think of one incident from the past that these dreams might stem from. What was happening to me? One thing was for certain: I would have to get to the bottom of this. There was only one person I could confide in, only one whose thoughts would be safe enough to keep this a secret until we could, together, figure it out: my mother.

"Sweetheart, are you all right?" came her soft, melodic voice as the door cracked open, and I sighed in relief. My thoughts were in too much turmoil right now to keep from my father, and I was happy he was away hunting.

"Yes, mom, I think so..." What else could I say to appease her, if only just temporarily, so that I could collect myself to open up to her about everything? It wasn't like me to keep things from her; we were so close, and unlike my father picking my thoughts from my brain without permission, I always felt the willingness to share them freely with my mother. The mattress shifted beneath me as she sat down on the edge, her hand stroking my arm tenderly. Even though her touch was cool, it was always a comfort; grounding me, relaxing me.

"Are you sure? This is the fifth time this week," she pressed, her voice dropping lower. "Is this about your upcoming birthday party that Alice is throwing you?"

My eyes lifted to meet her golden gaze. I tried giving her a reassuring smile, wanting to instill in her that I didn't mind Aunt Alice's escapades. Truthfully, I liked watching her dance around, ecstatic and eager to make everything perfect. She always went to such great lengths and she really loved doting on me, as did everyone else. It had been a slight discomfort in the beginning, but I was coming to terms with how significant my being here was, how much my existence meant to all of them.

"Mom," I began softly, "I'm not like you, I don't mind all the attention, I know it makes you all happy, and I promise I'm not just trying to be compliant." I said this, placing my palm against her cheek, giving affirmation with my mind.

She smiled and wrapped her arms around me, then she stiffened. "You're all wet!" The lights came on, and she was back in front of me in a split second, her eyes taking in my disheveled appearance.

"I'm fine," I told her lightly. It was becoming more and more difficult to tell if she was freaking out or not, but she rarely put her speed to use unless she was worried, so regardless of the blank expression on her face I imagined she _was_ in fact worried. "I need to talk to you, but I need you to promise that you won't freak out," I said.

"Sorry, I just – never mind." She straightened up and folded her hands neatly in her lap. "Go on," she encouraged, offering me a gentle smile. Again, I couldn't help but notice that it didn't sit as genuinely on her face as it used to. That would have to wait, she would avoid the subject anyway.

I took a deep breath. "I've been having odd dreams about Jacob in the past week, and they don't make any sense at all," I offered in an even voice, keeping it straight and simple. This was the best way, and really the only way I preferred. Beating around the bush wasn't my style. Perhaps it was due to the fact that I spent almost every day with a father who could read my mind. What was the point in trying to weasel your way out of something, anything, if he would catch you red-handed either way? I grinned at that, but my face fell when my mother's strange expression registered. But before I could ask she had composed herself, and now her hands were around my shoulders in a firm grip. Her eyes implored me.

"What has he done?"

I blinked at her, "What?" I asked, confused. "Nothing – what do you mean?"

She was up on her feet, the faintest twitch to her jaw; she must be livid. How was it that Jacob always managed to infuriate her so much? Sometimes only the mention of his name would cause all manner of responses and reactions. Apart from my recent dream, nothing else confused me more than the relationship between my doting guardian and my overprotective mother. Granted, most of the time she was the epitome of calm, and things rarely bothered her. Only two things in this world were able to set her on edge: Jacob and the Volturi. It was strange that almost 16 years ago she had been so trusting toward Jacob that she had been willing to let him take me away. However, since the threat of the Volturi had been cleared, they, my parents, watched Jacob like hawks, as if he were not to be trusted. Especially lately, as if they were waiting for something, expecting something.

"I am going to speak with him. Right _now_," she announced, and in the next moment she was gone. The dusty rose curtains in my window fluttered in the breeze left behind by her swift departure.

**o~*iii*~o**

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_**Author's Note:**_

_There is no way I would've be able to do this without __**Cretin**__, my beta for this story__, so I can't thank her enough for accepting the job of slaving through this with me. Thank you so much for all the work you put in to make it work._


	2. Airplanes

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyers.**_

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_Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars? I could really use a wish right now. / B.o.B. Feat. Hayley Williams_

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**Airplanes**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

As the sun begins to dip, nearing the horizon in the fall, it always creates the most fascinating burst of color as it dances across the surface of the leaves with their ever-changing palette. I had always liked the fall, perhaps because I had been born during that particularly beautiful season of the year. I didn't see it the way I used to though; truthfully I couldn't remember how color had appeared to me as a human. I barely remembered much of anything from my human years, and they had been so few. A choice of mine, one that had been made while caught up in the embrace of youthful and exuberant love. My first love. My one and only forever. Edward.

Memories were precious, even more so the ones that were the hardest to hold onto. Much had begun to fade after only a decade, and more had followed after two. Come three and four I had perilously clutched at whatever I could, but as my first century is now rapidly approaching I find myself left with only a handful.

My dad bidding me farewell as I rushed off to my honeymoon with Edward, so many expectations and fears mingling in a nervous flutter in my stomach.

Renee's glistening eyes as she had come into the bathroom to see the state Alice had put me in, her admonishing me not to cry, to not ruin my makeup. Telling me how beautiful I was.

A best friend's last dance in the shadows. . . .

I wondered how long it would take for time to erase these hazy images from my mind, because nothing I did allowed me to hang onto them. None of us knew why it had been such a struggle for me to stay in touch with my spirit, why the light in my eyes dimmed for each decennium that turned another page of my eternal existence. I hadn't known either, but throughout the years I had come to realize what separated me from the rest: while my inability to fit in had spurred me to choose this life, it had also damned me, as I had not allowed enough time to find myself as a human.

Who had Bella Swan been? What did people remember of her? My guess was as good as theirs, because I felt that I'd left as much of an impression on the world I left behind as I had allowed it to be carried over to the other side. How could I tell Edward that my rush toward immortality had made me step into this soulless existence without an identity? My only identity had been that of a girl whose only reason for living had been someone from a realm where the soul could not hold its own. It needed an echo, a sense of direction, from the human spirit. Becoming what I am now had been my only drive; to spend an eternity together with Edward. Now I would be frozen like this... forever.

It hadn't been easy to find the answers, but I had been adamant, and since eternal life was a given I'd had the time to figure it out. Not without help, of course not. Were it only me alone, I may as well have slowed down over the years, completely lost in the growing emptiness inside me, to finally stop. We vampire could stand for days, without shifting, without blinking or speaking, and it would not cause us any discomfort. At first, this notion had seemed somewhat too difficult to comprehend, but as the years have passed I am now, on a daily basis, fighting against it. It's difficult, it's exhausting and a torment. How does someone who doesn't need sleep become exhausted? It's a different concept to me. It's like being stretched thin. Years expanding, yet there isn't enough of me to hold onto to fill the space in between. I truly do only exist. Only a few things keep me somewhat grounded.

Edward; my sole reason for entering this state.

My daughter. My redemption.

And my best friend. The personification of all things pure and right. The keeper of all the regrets that I have collected over the years. Also my damnation. . . .

"Will, stop."

From the shadows I watched a young woman bounding across the grass, her cheeks flaming from exertion, her heart beating wildly in her chest to provide her heaving lungs with fresh blood, but in turn it was a reverse situation where the pounding heart needed the oxygen provided by flowing around the lungs. A perfect harmony, just like every other function of the human body. Each organ doing its part to keep the body changing, until one day the oxidation of the life-force in the air slows the body down, and makes it rust away. Like the elderly lady sitting across the park, watching the young Ellie, who had now caught up with Will, her brother. The old woman is their grandmother and she has lived a full life. She has been loved and she has loved in return. I should know, because I have watched her. Her name is Annabell, and she is my half-sister. Daughter to Phil and Renee, both who have been long gone. As are Charlie and Sue.

Unlike Renee, my dad was involved in our lives, for quite a long while. As was Sue, the rest of the Quileutes and the wolves who knew about the strange bond that was forged the day of my daughter's birth. The day the descendant of Ephraim Black forfeited the treaty to allow a foolish girl to be saved from death, only to be delivered into eternal damnation. The day that very same descendant had his choices taken away from him to follow the daughter of his one and only true love to the ends of the world, for as long as she would choose it.

It did not seem like a happy ending to me. But of course it hadn't always been like this. Back then I had been deliriously happy. I had felt the world was at my feet, and I had been powerful and beautiful. Loved by the most magnificent man I had ever met. I had not wanted for anything. My life had been complete. It had been the perfect fairytale to be told to children for their bedtime stories. Although, if I could choose it, I think I would rather read Beauty and the Beast, where the girl breaks the spell and the beast returns to the world of mortals, rather than the other way around. Unfortunately, like any fairytale, it should be a fantasy and never be allowed to wander off the pages and into the hearts of young, impressionable minds.

I caught the ball, stepping out of the shadows and into the brilliant sun, stopping a few feet from the young man who faltered in his step, mumbling, "Sorry, miss," and accepted his ball back with a flush to his cheeks. It was a genetic curse. Or a blessing. None the less it was still adorable, and I understood why Edward had been so taken with my very own incessant blushing. It coaxed a rare smile from my lips.

Will turned, stumbling over his feet before taking off in a full run back toward his sister. I followed them with my gaze, finally coming to rest upon the old woman again, her squinting eyes beneath her creased brow looking in my direction.

"Did you see her?" Ellie glanced my way.

"She is beautiful," Will said, deeply in awe.

The girl huffed. "If you like albinos."

Another smile tugged at my lips. It was easier to pick up on what came so naturally to the rest of my family while I was around humans. Still, not as easy as it was for them. I was lost, just as lost as I had been as Bella Swan. Those feelings still prevailed. They were all that had been my certainty, the only things I had learned as a human. Pain and loss. Fear and hurt. Passion and desire. An unending mix of emotions that I had come to know during those short years of my human life, easily provoked, felt with intensity. Yet I felt no belonging, no stability, no security. My connections created with the rest of my family had been true to me, but they hadn't been rational or in tune with my soul.

Edward had spoken so much of not wanting to damn my soul, yet he hadn't entirely understood the full extent to how damned it really was. More than his, more than all of theirs. At least they'd all had lives before coming here. Dreams and hopes, families and a purpose. Only one shared a part of my loss: Alice. Her life had been tumultuous, she had been lost and cold. Shunned and locked away. But she'd had her visions, they kept her grounded, as did Jasper.

Edward kept _me_ grounded. Nessie also – yes, the name grew on me. My outrageous outbursts about the name made me scoff. Things are only as bad as you make them yourself; besides, Renesmee was a mouthful, and Nessie preferred her nickname. Early on she had let us all know what she wanted, and she never stopped. If you wanted a true opinion, then my daughter would give it. My best friend had been a great influence on her, and while I had, at the beginning, treated him unfairly, he hadn't given up. He would never give up. Jacob didn't know how to.

I watched Annabell and her grandchildren until they left, but I would be back. Maybe not tomorrow, or the day after. Possibly not even in a week, but I always returned, I had to. It was the only way I could see them. I had never met my mom after my change. We had exchanged e-mails but over the years they had lessened until they stopped, but not before I had found out about my half-sister, whom I had continued to follow. During her College years we had exchanged a few letters, and I had wished that I could have been able to meet her. Of course this wouldn't have been possible; how would I have explained my youthful appearance? In a way I wondered though, if somewhere deep in her heart she knew. As I watched Will hook his arm with his grandmother's and they walked out of the park, Annabell glanced one more time in my direction, her eyes holding questions, a glimmer of recognition. I knew she had seen pictures of me as a child, as a teenager, and seeing me now no doubt sparked a sense of familiarity. She shook her head and turned back to the path in front of her.

Regardless of my speed, it took me a fair while to return home from Chicago. These days we resided in Alaska, many years having passed since we left Forks behind. However we were looking at moving again, for many reasons. We had stayed longer than intended, but only for my own sake, because I was tied to this place. There were things that I needed to see to the end, something I had been working on for the past 5 decades. It had taken me away from my family, from Edward, from Nessie and Jacob. None of them knew what I was doing, but that is how I wanted it, and even if they would at times try to ask me about it they let it be.

"Welcome home, love." Edward was at my side, pulling me into his arms and placing a chaste kiss on my cheek. I forced a smile.

"They have grown since I last saw them," I mused, slipping out of his arms to go find a change of clothes and to have a shower. I needed to wash off the layer of illusion I used so I could feel the sun on my face. It allowed me to move among others even if the clouds didn't hide the sun from me. My own invention, who would have thought?

Alice had been delighted when I came to her one day, placing a small jar on the table. I had told her that I had been working on something to allow us to blend in, just that little bit more. After having presented her with the little container, I'd told her to walk out on the balcony in our hotel room. Alice, Nessie and I had been in L.A. for the opening of a movie they had both been waiting for, and I had humored them; it would be the perfect opportunity to demonstrate my little invention.

Her eyes had grown wide as saucers as I'd stripped off my clothes, being left in only a pair of jeans and my bikini-top.

"What are you doing?" She'd asked me, only to become horrified when I'd slipped out the door. When losing a part of you, the one that decided and programmed every action you'd take as a human, your identity, you were bound to act out of character. Bella Swan would never have walked out into the street, dressed so lightly.

The sun had tickled and skittered along the surface of the layer, leaving a warm tingle all over my entire body. It had all been worth it when I'd looked up to watch Alice gawking down at me. She should have seen this coming, but I had learned to manipulate my shield in very good ways. Even to keep Alice out of my future. My mind truly was a mystery, and I was glad that I had at least something to identify myself by. Something that told me apart from everyone else, and not only my inability to embrace the eternal existence. Encapsulating my decisions and storing them away was only one of the perks of my immensely powerful mind-glitch. It allowed me a safe passage through the years, without being stopped or interrupted. Not until I decided to reveal it did my plans register in Alice's mind, but it was always too late for her to intervene. It had been good in this particular moment I suppose, because otherwise she would have rushed after me to stop me from stepping into the busy, sunny strip in front of the small hotel on Long Beach.

The hardest part about the cream had been to construct it to bond with the skin cells, which, on vampire, weren't quite as supple as those on a human. It had been difficult, but my mind, my eyes and my intellect saw and figured things that I couldn't have even imagined as a human. The "no sleep"-policy that came with the vampire-clause had also been a help, otherwise it would have taken twice as long. Oh how I missed sleep. I missed dreaming, the pause to split the day from night. I missed exertion, feeling my body slow down at the end of the day. Now there was no ending, and there was no beginning. It was all one long stretch, an unending circle. The ability to become tired made one appreciate bursts of energy. Just as you would need to know sadness before you could truly appreciate being happy. After years of never slowing down, never needing a break, always moving and never degenerating, things begin to lose their fascination. How can you taste success without the possibility to fail? Victory is only sweet after having pushed through the challenge. The mundane was now what fascinated me the most, because it was out of my reach. What we couldn't have had become my obsession, and the only thing that drove me forward.

"Are you going to the shack again?" Edward followed me into our bedroom where I started stripping with my back to him. It was hardly a shack, but it was what it was called. My retreat, my studio, my laboratory, my escape from acceptance.

"I go every night, Edward." I did. Except for holidays, birthdays(mine excluded), special occasions. I did what was required of me, but rarely anything above. I couldn't pretend like they did. It hurt him, and it broke my frozen heart that I couldn't even pretend for _him_ anymore. A few years ago I had finally come up against the wall, impenetrable, and been unable to turn back. The only thing that saved me was a part of Edward that flowed within me, and our daughter. Without them I would no doubt be unable to even function at all. A bond had been forged, an unbreakable bond, and it allowed me to hang on to a sliver of humanity that kept me from becoming a cold, hard statue in a dark corner.

That, and Jacob. But it was a paradox. I did not feel what I had felt as a human; no need to have him around, no heartache when I went too long without his infectious smile, which, to be truthful, he rarely showed these days. At least not for me. But he challenged me, and when he was around it was as if he held out a mirror for me; I saw the reflection of my empty eyes in his fury. No other could show me the real me, who I had become, remind me of what and who I had been, the way Jacob did. It kept me fighting, struggling against the emptiness that was threatening to swallow me whole.

"Why don't you spend some time with Nessie? She always cheers you up. She actually asked for you earlier." Seeing his pain would make it my pain, but I turned anyway to place my hands on either side of his excruciatingly beautiful face. He closed his eyes, breathing out. Oh Edward, my Edward. It ached to see him so undeniably alive when I was all but an empty shell.

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely. "You know I don't mean to be like this, but it's who I am. Don't beat yourself up, please."

He reached up to stroke my face, his warmth radiating through me, causing me more pain than pleasure. Soon the pain would overthrow the pleasure entirely, and that would be the end of him. He berated himself, spent countless hours daily in contemplation of how he could have and should have done things differently. I tried to tell him that I would have broken down completely, had he left me again, as he many times has said he should have. He should have let Jacob put me back together again. Having him say these things had been more torture to me than he could ever understand. How many times had I considered this as well? No matter how many alternate scenarios we could both come up with it didn't change anything. We were who we were, and what was done was done. All we could do was to make the most of it all.

I allowed myself to lean in, touching my lips to his. It always caused the same reaction, the same despair as his breath hitched and he pulled me against him, lips moving against mine like a desperate prayer, and in hope; could this be turning around, finally? As always I tried to melt into his feelings and his passion. I was desperate, too, after all. My body longed for desire, but the lack of a fluttering heart in flight, a held breath with the accompanied dizziness, and the rush of fevered heat had been lost. The electrical current I would once feel, that was all that remained of passion, had dimmed; it was all but snuffed out.

Nessie announced her presence, not only by her heartbeat but by her scent and the bond between us that I couldn't explain. She was my daughter, my own flesh and blood, and Edward's. But should your child really be the guiding light, the torch burning in the darkness that spurred you onwards, that reminded you of all you had let go of? How could someone that should bring you such joy, instill in you an empty ache that tugged at each fiber of a cold, dead body that knew no direction? She was like a gravitational force, holding me here, and while my immense senses could draw things from the world around me that only a vampire's strong mind could handle, I couldn't comprehend what I felt around her. Was it the bond between mother and daughter? Parent and child? Again the ghosts of my human self filled me with hopelessness and I was lost.

"Oops," she blurted and I withdrew from Edward who sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. I returned to my clothes, feeling him walk out of the room.

"You've been asking for me," I said, pulling off the rest of my clothes and wrapping myself in a towel.

"Jacob wants to see you," she told me, and I turned to watch her. "He's waiting in the workshop." Her warm, brown eyes scrutinized me. I could only guess what this was about. My birthday. A rare sigh slipped past my lips.

"No presents."

"Yes," she quipped, and walked past me to open my wardrobe. "And, mom," she paused, eying the clothes, "you'll make an effort. Stop being a drab." She pulled out a pair of jeans and a long-sleeved tee in dusty rose.

"I don't do rose." I went up to her and took it from her hands.

She snatched it back, smirking. "No, that's Emmett's job."

Jacob's influence on my daughter had had its cons as well.

"I'm having a shower," I announced and slipped through the door to the adjoining bathroom.

I don't know if it was _all_ Jacob, because Emmett was good at inappropriate jokes, too. As well as Leah. Some of the wolves were still a part of our life, Leah very much so, even if it was against her will a lot of the time. She and Jacob were good friends, and regardless of her previous feelings toward Nessie, they had become friends, too.

When I came out of the shower, Nessie was sitting on the bed, looking serious. "Mom," she began, letting me know she was about to give me the third degree. "I know it's hard for you, and I'm sorry you are struggling, but you _will_ go see him, and you _will_ _pretend_ that you are happy. Don't you dare hurt his feelings. I'll know if you did." We half-glared at each other for a moment, then she sighed and got off the bed, pushing the clothes into my arms. "Get dressed, and I'll brush your hair. You look like a scarecrow."

This was normal for us. Sometimes you'd wonder who the mother was, because the way she bossed me around was more common than me doing it to her. I pulled on my clothes, giving a small snort when I pulled on the tee that she'd picked out for me. While she brushed and dried my hair I sat there like a statue, only my eyes moving as I followed every swoop, each stroke of the brush, from the reflection in the mirror. I didn't seek out my own eyes or my face. Once you've seen it a million times before it doesn't really matter, you know that your reflection in the mirror won't change simply because you want it to.

"What did he get?"

She smiled mischievously. "Not telling."

"I don't like surprises."

"We know," she whispered, rolling her eyes dramatically.

"What did _you_ get me?"

"Later," she said distractedly, then stepped back. "Voila! You're ready for yet another long night in your shack." There was only the faintest tinge of bitterness in her voice, but she knew that I needed that time to myself, and at least she wouldn't choose today to start the Spanish Inquisition.

Before I left she threw her arms around me, hugging me tightly.

"Happy birthday, mom." She pulled back, placing her hand to my cheek, filling me with images of warmth and love, wanting to do her part to melt some of the ice around my heart. "Go get him, tiger."

As I was saying. Jacob didn't know how to give up.

On my way across the hill that made up our large property, I was stopped by Rosalie; she held a small box in her hand, identical to the one I had cut my finger on so many, many years ago. It was our insider joke, so to speak, and she couldn't let it go. Rosalie deemed it the incident that sparked my insanity, since it should have made me run screaming into the hills. Here I was, however, having chosen what she _still_ felt was the worst mistake of my life. At least fate had smiled at me, she thought, and I had been blessed with Nessie. We all had.

"Happy birthday, freak." The small twitch at the corner of her mouth told me that it was all in good humor, if perhaps a bit morbid. Rosalie was in her own league, and while she first gloated over the fact that I was losing grip on my humanity, she now sympathized. I, in return, sympathized with her. I didn't hold anything against her, and I understood better than ever why she had held such an aversion toward me. When you had an eternity to live, a century didn't even put a dent in our emotional progression. Especially not in Rosalie's. Nessie might have soothed a part of that yearning in Rosalie, but ultimately she would mourn the loss of a changing body forever. A future she would never have, a future I mourned for her sake.

"Thanks, but you shouldn't have," I said and eyed the box skeptically.

"Open it when you're alone," she said, nodding toward the treeline, and the mountain rising up beyond it, where my shack was waiting for me. Again, not a shack, but all the same it was mine, and mine alone. Only one other person had ever seen the inside of it.

"Okay," I promised. "I better get going, or the wolf might crack a gasket again."

Rosalie crinkled her nose. "I can smell him all the way to here." Letting out a snort she turned, and before she left she gave me a cold smirk. "Leave a permanent mark this time, if you're going to rough him up."

Rosalie, most of all, couldn't forget the time I had ripped into Jacob, and it had been decades ago. It had been our last argument about Nessie. As usual it had been about the whole imprinting business, and both Edward and I used to watch him closely when he had been around her. We had made it clear early on that if anything were to ever happen between them then it would be Nessie's choice, and not as a result of Jacob acting like a love-sick puppy. We all saw how drawn he was to her, how his eyes would light up when she'd come into the room, like the sun rose and set in her face. Typically, he had kicked up a stink about it, but back in those days I had still had difficulties not reacting violently to him. To cut a long story short, I had attacked him, and Jacob had stood there, unmoving, as I'd knocked him over. My mission had been to bash some sense into him, his mission had been to make sure I didn't kill him in the process. He had ended up with a few broken bones and a gruesome nosebleed; I had cracked my hand in my unrelenting attempts to tear free of his grip as he'd pushed me down, shouting at me to calm down. We had both healed quickly, me more so than him.

The image still played out in my mind as I stepped into the large, barn-like building where he spent a lot of time pouring over his projects. Jacob had followed us, he couldn't stay away from Nessie, and in doing so he had taken up the only thing he knew and loved.

Repairing cars.

Here was his own piece of sanity, or what helped him keep it would be a more accurate observation. When he didn't know how to deal, he would stick his head into an engine and stay there until all his frustrations were under control again. He hadn't changed much. Maybe his face had hardened, his hands were rougher and the smile he would smile didn't reach his guarded eyes the way it used to. Not around me anyway.

A pair of dirty sneakers peeked out from the bottom of the worn jeans that hung haphazardly from his hips; no doubt they would have dropped off him if it weren't for the belt. An oily rag was tucked into his right back pocket, but waist up he wore nothing. His dark skin was taut over the rippling muscles as he worked. Soot and oil was smeared across his big hands and up his wrists. A black smudge ran across his high cheekbone and I watched his profile, being able to tell from the flex of his jaw that he knew I was here, even if he didn't look at me.

"A century has passed, and still you can't learn. You really do have a thick skull," I teased, making an effort to lower my voice, lessening the impact of the chimes in it. I knew it bothered him.

He pushed away from the car, pulling the rag from his pocket to wipe his hands, then he looked at me and smiled. It was forced, but he did so well at pretending. We both did.

"Speaking of a century, you've got another 'birthday' coming up, don't you?" He knew exactly what to say to get to me, and I knew that it was one of his missions in life to break me. If he only knew that I could do it too well on my own, I didn't need his help to remind me of my mistakes.

"Five years," I replied, stepping further into his domain. I stayed out of it as much as possible, regardless of how many times he'd told me to stop by whenever I felt like it. I knew that my scent bothered him. Granted, he didn't smell too pleasant either, but after having spent nearly a hundred years seeing and "smelling" each other every day, or just about, I was used to it.

"I bet Alice has got a killer party planned," he mused as he crossed the floor to pull out a drawer in one of this tool cabinets that hung off the walls. I followed his moves, watching him pull out a small pouch as he threw it to me. I caught it without taking my eyes off his face, earning a grimace from him. He would never get used to my uncharacteristic coordination.

"I've asked her not to," I told him as I fingered the small pouch. "This feels like a key."

"It is," he said nonchalantly and shrugged, walking back to dive into his engine again.

"I already have two cars." The before-car and the after-car. "What would I do with a third one?"

"You'll get a kick out of this one," he said from inside the chassis. "It's taken me years, and you'll hurt my feelings if you don't accept it." His head came up, and when he took in my suspicious mood he rolled his eyes. "Take the damn key out and push the button."

I turned the pouch upside down, and a shiny key dropping into my hand. On the keyring was a remote, and I held it out, pushing one of the buttons on its face. A sharp _blip-blip_ echoed and my eyes shot toward a large, blue tarpaulin-covered mountain.

"I don't like the feel of this," I warned him and drew closer at a slow pace, eying the shape of it with a skeptical eye. "It's too big."

"Quit your whining, Bells."

I grasped the material in my hand and gave it a sharp tug, making a loud rustling noise fill the barn as the car beneath was revealed. Car wasn't the correct word. It was a truck. It wasn't just _any_ truck. It was _my_ truck.

"_Oh_..."

It was definitely my truck. Somewhere beneath the sleek, shiny red paint job and chrome fenders, the low-profile tires with alloy rims... It was my truck.

"Technically the body is all that's left. I put in a new engine, custom-built, you should see it, it nearly killed me to get it working but-" He was rambling, a sure sign he was hiding some emotion he didn't want to show me, and he walked up to the truck, brushing his hands on his thighs before pulling the door open. He popped the hood open, while continuing his babble. "I busted up a few fan belts trying to fit it in here, not to mention the-"

"Jake," I said quietly, interrupting him. His face was unreadable, but his eyes were darting in all directions, avoiding mine. "Thank you." He paused, twisting his feet before continuing to pull the hood up, revealing the monstrosity beneath it.

"I know you don't care about these things, but I see you driving around in that Ferrari and it just doesn't suit you. It's not like I'm expecting you to start driving this thing around, but at least you'll have the option." He leaned against the side of the car, folding his arms. "As you can see, it's not the original engine." The corner of his mouth lifted slightly, but it never made it all the way.

I was only a few feet away from him, and I could feel the heat coming off him, burning me. We usually stayed at a safe distance, because it was just how things went with us these days. Something inside me shifted though, a ghost from the past, setting off a weak ache in my chest. I realized I wanted to give him a hug. Something I hadn't felt like for a long, long time. Maybe it was the truck, or maybe it was his struggles to keep a lid on his emotions. Or something else.

"Told ya she'd like it." Nessie's voice came through the doors but, unlike every other time, Jacob didn't look up. An emotion flickered in his face which I didn't understand and, reluctantly, he turned his face in her direction. Not even Nessie could bring his smile to touch his eyes today. She groaned.

"Mom!"

I turned. "What?"

She folded her arms. "You were supposed to be happy," she accused.

"I am."

Nessie walked up to Jacob, pinching his cheeks. "This face is too tight, which tells me you're being a drab," she said and gave me a pointed look.

"I'm just surprised, is all."

"You love it, now say it."

"I love it."

She sighed and turned to Jacob. "Does she look like she loves it?" He shook his head, but he refused to look at me now.

"You two are like moping children." She leaned against his shoulder, squinting her eyes at me, then her eyes widened. "Mom," she whispered. "You'd _so_ be crying right now if you could." A smile crept into her face. "You _are_ happy. Ha!" Whatever she saw I didn't feel it. I remembered what it felt like, a dry scratching in my eyes, the tightening of my throat. There was nothing. But Jacob was looking at me now, he met my eyes then his jaw flexed.

"I think you need to get your head checked, Ness," he said lightly, but I could hear the underlying strain, and so could she. She tilted her head and looked up at him, and he tore his eyes away from me to look at her.

"Nah, I think you're the one who needs a head-scan," she said after a few seconds, flicking his nose with her fingers before pushing away from him. "I'm gonna go see Emmet, you're being a grump, Jacob."

He shrugged, smirking, but kept his eyes on her retreating form as she disappeared out of the barn.

"What are you doing, Jacob?" I asked, and his head snapped back to face me.

He ignored my question. "She's right, isn't she?" It didn't take much to catch onto what he was talking about.

"No."

"Liar."

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you are."

I ignored his attempts to get under my skin. "Thank you for the present, Jacob. I mean it when I say I like it."

"You love it."

"_Love it_, then," I sighed, feeling frustrated suddenly, something that didn't happen too often these days. "Anyway-"

"Be honest with me," he demanded.

"I _am_ being honest."

"Did I get to you?" He took a step toward me and automatically I backed off, but he didn't relent, instead he came at me again, two steps.

"Stop it."

"No." His eyes were hard and they were back on mine, even if I knew he hated the void there.

"You're being ridiculous."

"Aw, come on, Bells. I've spent a century watching this little charade of yours. Maybe you can fool everyone else but you ain't fooling me. Remember that I know you better than you know yourself, and right now you can't even tell that you'd cry if only your body would allow you to," he drew in a ragged breath and got in my face. His brow quirked slightly. "If I'm ridiculous, so are you."

"Do I need to remind you that you stink?"

"So leave, no one is keeping you here. Go hide away in that bunker of yours," he said coldly.

Then I felt it. That signature scratch in the corner of my eye, a burn in my throat. Not because of his repellent smell or because I was thirsty. I also saw it register in his eyes, which only seemed to make him angrier.

"Don't worry, I'll be spending extra long time there, you won't see me for a week."

I heard his teeth grind together. "Why not make it two while you're at it?"

This was another one of his irrational missions to break me down, another challenge, the ones only he could give me that ultimately gave me a painful reminder of everything I had left behind. All that had been irrevocably changed, and no amount of pressure from him would bring it back.

"I'll make it permanent if it would make life easier for you, Jacob," I told him evenly.

"I'm not the one who's married to you," he said flatly, Adding, "I bet I don't suffer half as much as Edward does." It was a low blow, and he knew it.

"You need to feel love to suffer."

He flinched, but bounced back and gripped my arms.

"If you had a soul you'd feel the agony I go through every minute being cursed by your choices, Bella. You'd feel it tearing you apart, slowly." He pushed me up against the wall, making the whole section shudder. His eyes bore into me, their gaze falling into nothing. He was trembling. "I bet you know nothing about love and suffering, try mourning the one you love while having to watch their empty shell every single fucking day, knowing that you'll go through centuries having to face that. Tell me again that I know nothing about suffering, Bella. Go on. Tell me!"

I couldn't tell him anything. No matter how much he was programmed to hate what I'd become, and no matter how obvious it was that whoever I'd been wasn't who I was anymore, Jacob being Jacob insisted that some part of me was still here, and he was insistent on making me see it. Even if it hurt him to do it, even if he saw that I felt nothing for him.

"You were wrong."

When I didn't react how he wanted, and kept staring at him he continued.

"It still doesn't make sense." His face was slowly falling, crumpling, giving way to everything he was so good at hiding. "And I was right; imprinting didn't make it right. It'll never be right. I still love-"

"Don't." I ordered and tore myself out of his grip. His hands fell limply to his sides, his broad shoulders slumping. "I'm leaving." I turned, fleeing from him and all he had made me look at that I didn't want to be reminded of.

I was empty, and I wasn't her anymore. Everything warm and good that might have been within me once was forever gone. I had believed in magic once, foolishly, hoping it would set the world right. It hadn't. I knew it would never happen. But because of Jacob, and his never ending fight, I had to try. If there _was_ a way to set it all right, then I would find it. Even if I had to spend centuries trying to figure it out. This was the challenge he gave me, the fight he put in me. It gave me hope where there should only be darkness and empty space.

My flight through the forest was swift, and I tore up a cloud of snow that swirled into the air, the tiny crystals dancing and twirling before settling on the branches of the trees that flickered in my peripheral vision. I slowed down, coming to a complete stop outside the thick steel door in the building that melded together with the edge of the mountain. With sure fingers I entered the combination, the _click_ bidding me welcome, and I pulled the door open.

As I walked through the corridor to my office, I dug out a hair tie from my pocket and pulled my hair back in a tight bun. My laptop awaited me and I flipped it open, entering the password and pressing enter before I turned to enter yet another key-combination to yet another door, leading me further into the maze that made up my shack. When I finally entered my destination, and all the familiar noises filled my ears, I felt my rigid spine relax.

This was my salvation, my legacy, the only purpose I felt I had and, although I had spent numerous years here, trying to solve endless puzzles, I knew that I couldn't give up just yet. There were so many things I wanted to change, so many wrongs I wanted to right.

I moved over to the cryostat, withdrawing a pair of gloves from the box on the wall, wanting to get to work instantly. It hissed at me as I pulled open the lid and retrieved a tube from its compartment, spinning the cylinder I removed another before closing it again.

Setting up my workspace never took long, and soon I had the syringe in my steady hand, aiming at the bend in my arm. The needle glinted in the strong light of my work lamp and in a swift, fluent movement I applied pressure, the needle piercing my hard skin. My lips curled back over my teeth and I hissed. No matter how many times I'd done this, I couldn't get used to it. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that this wasn't natural. Not that _I_ was natural. I retracted the center section with my thumb, filling the empty vial with the hazy fluid. Even if my whole anatomy looked somewhat human still, if you'd ignore the flawless, pale skin and my eyes, it was a strange feeling to witness that the fluid that ran beneath my near impenetrable skin was not red. I knew I was a vampire, and I didn't feel human, but nothing could describe the feeling that flowed through me as I watched the vial filling. It never got old. It didn't fail to fascinate me.

When I withdrew the needle, the tiny puncture closed instantly and I placed the syringe on the bench next to the microscope, picking up a new one as well as one of the tubes I'd retrieved from the cryostat, checking the label to be certain I had the original sample. After having three syringes, one each of my venomous fluid, the blood and the cloned blood, I brought out my test slides, adding a small drop to each before turning to the microscope.

I checked each sample, making sure it was healthy and untainted.

"Okay," I said evenly, sliding my own fluid beneath the microscope and getting ready with the syringe containing the blood. "Here we go."

I watched the strange cells in my venom, then I held my breath, even if I didn't need to, but this particular moment always blew me away. Only a small amount needed to be added for the desired effect, so I gave the syringe a subtle squeeze. I watched, my eyes widening at what played out in front of me. I'd seen this on countless occasions, but it would never truly cease to amaze me.

"All good here, now for you my little friend," I said and picked up the syringe with the cloned blood, developed by my own research. Of course, it still hadn't created the same results as with the real thing, but I hadn't given up. I couldn't. Decades had passed, and I was getting closer, but I wasn't quite there yet.

I added some more of my venom to a clean slide, popping it under the scope. Now would be the time when I'd get sweaty palms had I been human, had I been able to get nervous. Sure, I felt a small twinge of _something_. Again I focused on the cells and added a small amount of the blood.

Who do you pray to when you are damned?

A loud bang made me pull back, and my head snapped in the direction of the door. Another bang. Then another. I put down the syringe and stepped away from the bench to walk toward the door. As the banging continued, I walked through the passage, and when I came into my office I could distinguish a voice.

"Unbelievable."

I swept down the hallway and pulled the door open, coming face to face with a very angry and upset Leah.

"This really isn't the time," I began.

"You deranged piece of – of... I don't know!"

"Leah."

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tear you to shreds right here and right now!" she shrieked.

"It would upset a lot of individuals," I offered. "Namely the one you are here to defend."

The mention of that deflated her and she groaned. "Can't you just – die!"

"I _am_ dead," I reminded her dryly, and she rolled her eyes.

"You know what I mean you dense twit."

"Are we done here?"

She pursed her lips. "No. What are you doing in there, anyway?" Leah tried to peer around me.

"That's none of your business."

"Smells like a morgue," she said, wrinkling her nose.

"I do spend a lot of time here; might be why."

"That's not it."

"I don't have time for this—" Her insane laughter cut me off.

"Oh, you are made out of messed-up, time is _all_ you have."

"Okay," I deliberated. "I don't have time for _you_."

Her rage exploded in my face. "I always knew you were a freak, but this is just beyond it. You've been cooped up in here for the past 30 years, _at least. _When your loyalties changed at the drop of a hat, and you turned your back on Eddie for that monster-spawn, I knew what you were made of. God, you turn your back on everyone. You say you are _so_ in love with that vamp of yours, yet here you are, finally an eternity with your husband, child _and_ best friend and you go locking yourself into a mountain. Holy hell, you're so messed up there's not even an invented word for it yet!"

"Are you done?"

"Yes, _Ice Queen_, I'm done."

"Good. Now leave."

Leah stared at me blankly for about 15 seconds, then she shook her head and left without another word.

I shut the door, wondering if a human would survive the anger that I felt. Anger and guilt. She knew how to get to me, of course she did, she knew Jacob inside and out, not literally of course, but his mind. She knew everything that went on there, and no doubt she knew of mine and Jacob's latest confrontation, which must have been why she even bothered to come up here in the first place.

I unlocked my limbs and moved back down the hallway, sweeping through my office and back into my lab. Then I froze. My eyes darted to the microscope and I swallowed back against the tickling flame that ached in the back of my throat. In a flash I was crouched over it, peering through the eye at the slide. Could it truly be? Quickly, so fast that my movements would have been a blur to a human eye, I repeated the process with a fresh slide, and I watched the miracle unfold before me. It was true, I had done it. Amazingly, I felt a scratchy sensation in my eyes, and my throat felt thick. I swept out of the lab and into my office, picking up the phone and dialed a number. After a few signals the call connected and a deep, sleepy voice answered. I breathed my words into the receiver.

"It's a match."

**o~*iii*~o**


	3. Where Do We Draw The Line

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_What does tomorrow want from me? What does it matter what I see?If it can't be my design, tell me where do we draw the line. / Poets of the Fall_

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**Where Do We Draw The Line**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2022 – Several decades ago.**_

I was good at pretending these days. Much better than I had been. I had to be, and while the years made me bitter, each year adding onto everything I already hated about what she had become, the choices she had made and how those choices had taken mine in the process, I still couldn't stop it. Each time I looked at her I _still_ saw who she had been, I _still_ remembered who she was, even if she didn't. It tore him apart. Edward. I saw it in his eyes. It made me wonder how I could have let her do this to herself, how _he_ could have allowed this to happen. He had proclaimed to love her, so much that he couldn't leave her to fall apart, but at least as a human she would have gotten better, eventually. That is what I held on to, along with all the other 'what ifs'.

Again she had pulled me to the side, like so many times before, to discuss Nessie with me. A whole other issue which made my blood boil and my chest ache. I knew what she thought, what they all thought, and that's why they watched me like hawks. I remembered yet another thing, when she had let me in on her musings, thinking that me imprinting would nullify all that I felt for her. I understood, I got it, completely. She had to see it that way, because the Bella I had known loved me, and she couldn't handle that she would get her happily-ever-after, while I was left to live out my life in misery, pining over her, wishing and hoping she would one day pick me.

_Until your heart stops beating, and maybe even then. _

"I thought we made things clear," she said finally, and her voice, clear and chiming, broke through my thoughts, bringing my eyes to rest on her pale, smooth face. I avoided the eyes as much as I could these days, at all costs. That saying; that the eyes are a window to the soul, yeah – all true. Imagine looking into them when there's no soul. Of course there was a way around it, and the rest of her sparkly family had it down pat, it had become an art to them, which they mastered. But not for Bella, no. She was struggling. Edward clung to the hope that things would get better with time, and that having Charlie around would help, which it did. She hadn't lost it. Not yet. I think it hurt Edward more than it did me, at times. As I had found out, it seemed that on the days I was around, or Charlie, it was less of a struggle. I had pointed out the obvious to him, but how can you continue to kick someone who's already down? He knew that he had made a mistake, he knew before he made it, yet he still allowed it all to happen. What was the point to mourn, though? Choices had been made, a life had been lost, and we all had to learn to live, or exist in their case, with the way things had turned out.

"Jacob, I'm talking to you."

"I heard you," I snapped. Why did she have to continue to hound me about this? How many times did I have to repeat myself about my feelings for Nessie? So what, she was physically a grown woman. And, so what, I noticed that she was beautiful. Yes, she was my imprint, and yes, she was what held me here. The only thing that kept me grounded in this house of horrors. My reason for living, my reason for dragging myself out of bed in the morning. My only piece left of Bella. But Nessie wasn't human, and as much as I knew that they all expected me to one day ask her out on a date, to start bringing her flowers and to fall in love with her, they would never, ever believe me when I told them over and over and over, that:

"I love her and she's my friend, she's my _soul mate_, but that's all. How many times, Bella? How many times?" Against my own better judgment, knowing that I would have to pay for this later, I let my eyes find hers. Instantly I found myself swallowing back against the lump that appeared in my throat like a knee-jerk reaction. Like so many times before, I ached from the inside out. But like always, I squared my shoulders, gritted my teeth and forced myself to hold her eyes; unnatural yet mesmerizing in their golden nature, but beneath the captivating tint of the iris was nothing.

She sighed. I knew she didn't need to, but I think it was for my benefit. To show me that she _felt_ something about what I had just said.

"Why do you keep asking me?" I pressed. She turned her head toward the stairs, to where Nessie's room was, and I followed her gaze, wondering if she was looking at something, or simply staring at nothing, while she tried to figure out what excuse to give me this time. "Do I look like a liar to you?" I added to drive it home, wishing they could once and for all stop asking. Stop suspecting. Stop worrying.

One of these days Nessie would walk into the room at an inopportune time and then they would have to face her. I had no doubt that she would reprimand them good. Nessie didn't beat around the bush, she told it how it was. I wondered if it was partially thanks to me, because I never lied or pretended around her. I couldn't, even if I had wanted to, but why would I? As much as I was opposed to the part of her that had made me who I was, I still saw her humanity, and she _was_ a good person.

"Renesmee is a woman, and you are a man," Bella said finally, and my head snapped back to hers. There it was again, regardless of the words that came out of my mouth they _still_ suspected that I would force myself on their daughter, _Bella's daughter_, like a love-sick puppy, because I had imprinted and there was nothing I could do about it. I made myself inhale and exhale. Her eyebrow twitched fleetingly, and she folded her arms.

"Quil is a man too, and Claire is a woman," I said finally, after having gotten my words and my body under control. What I really wanted to do was to shake her and yell at her, but that didn't do anyone any good; it served no purpose but to bring Nessie down here.

"Claire met another _man,_" she clarified, as if I was the one who was missing the point. "If you hadn't noticed, the only _man_ around Nessie is _you_, and _you_ explained to me that you will be to her whatever she needs you to be." There was a hint of worry in her voice, and I realized that my being here was beginning to affect her.

The memories she held of us were fuzzy, dimmed, vague, but she still clung to them desperately. Just like she clung to every visit from Charlie. I had watched her around him, and I could see that his aging was bringing her down. Whenever we red-blooded creatures were around it made her come to life, if only briefly, but it happened all the same.

"Jacob," she repeated my name, and this time I flinched, having allowed myself to be caught off guard. I didn't like the way my name sounded, coming from her unnaturally blushed lips.

Judging from her eyes she must have hunted recently, which made my stomach churn uncomfortably. I used to go hunting with them, but when Nessie grew up, and insisted on going alone with me, I was happy to not have to witness Bella like that anymore. It had been weird, to say the least. Unnerving. Slightly off-putting.

"What?" I answered finally.

"Is there something you're not telling me?" She scrutinized me with her flat eyes.

Everything. "No."

Her eyes narrowed. "You are lying." It made me smile, because it told me that she still cared, cared enough to see beyond what I was and who I could prospectively be, should Nessie choose it. But she wouldn't, I was certain of that. I made sure, every day, to not give her any ideas. Because the truth was: if she one day were to turn to me and look at me for anything beyond friendship, it would tear me apart. I would not be able to resist, and it would kill me. How could I ever imagine Bella's daughter as – there were no words.

"Not completely dense, I see." I winked at her, forcing myself to shift into the old Jacob, the one who would crack a joke and give her her Jacob smile. Not for my benefit, but for hers. She pretended for me, so the least I could do was to pretend for her.

"Not yet, and not ever. Can't get senile if you don't age," she said and grinned.

"Ha ha. Funny, aren't you Bells?" One of my best weapons was to continue using her nickname. When I went all "Bella" on her she knew I was all business. It was a good trick, one that I used often.

"I'm sorry for biting your head off," she began, and I smirked.

"You wish," I teased.

She rolled her eyes, and I tried not to grimace. "Grow up already, Jacob."

"Dream on."

She winked. "Need sleep for that."

Now I laughed, it came naturally, and it made her smile. As soon as the realization of our little connection hit me, it left an ache in my chest that I knew would haunt me for days. She was still Bella, somewhere in there. Something was there, there had to be. How could I connect with her like this still if she was all gone, all dead, all frozen in time for all eternity – stop! It never ended, it would always be here, that yearning inside my heart that still insisted that I loved her and that I was still waiting.

_...maybe even then._

It had been fleeting, it had been there and I had seen it and felt it, but now it was gone. Her face returned to its cool mask and it stabbed my heart. Hard. True to form, I kept my smile. For her, always for her. Anything for her.

Even now.

"A day might come, when she _will_ need you," she continued in her usual voice, "I just want your promise that you won't do anything until then." And just like that, she wiped the smile from my face. Our moment was gone, along with many before this day.

"That day won't come-"

"Promise," She interrupted

"I already have. Many times."

"Promise," she hissed.

I don't know what was different about today, maybe this conversation about Nessie was the straw that broke the camel's back, but I snapped. Before I could stop myself, I closed the distance between us in a few deliberate strides until I was mere inches from her face.

"For the hundredth time, Bella. I _promise!_" Her eyes widened, not premeditated, that one was all her, and it spiked something in me. I forced myself to search her eyes, desperately trying to find something, anything. Her sickeningly sweet smell permeated the air around me, invading my nostrils, causing heat to lick up along my spine. How many times had I laid down the rules to not get close to her? I didn't need to be given these stark reminders of what she truly was. The wolf in me growled in my chest, warning me to step away. But my heart forced me to stay so I could uselessly stare into her empty eyes.

"Jacob," she said a bit unevenly. She was still affected. Still sparking hope in my treacherous heart. "I'm sorry, but you smell." Under other circumstances this would cause me to laugh, or, if the tables were turned, I would tell her the same things. Another part of our friendly "Bells 'n Jake" banter, but now it only made me angry. I wasn't supposed to smell to her, and she was supposed to smell of vanilla and strawberries. Warmth was supposed to radiate through my chest when I was this close to her, yet all I could feel was the cold. Her heart was supposed to flutter erratically as my lips prepared to meet hers; warm, soft and pliable. Instead – my fist shot out and plummeted through the wall right next to her face, cracking the plaster and splintering the wood. My face had come too close to hers, our lips had almost made contact and it was forbidden territory, on so many levels. Yet, she hadn't moved. I stared at her, my own heart doing what hers should. She stared back, her blushed lips slightly parted. An element from my worst nightmare was not even an inch away from my face and it tore through me like shredders.

"Tell Nessie that I'll meet her outside." I forced the words through my gritted teeth and shuddered as she expelled her cool, disgustingly sweet breath over my face.

If this wasn't torture, then I don't know what was. But who needed torture when you knew that you'd be spending many long years smack in the middle of your worst nightmare?

**o~*iii*~o**


	4. Here With Me

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_Pictures fill my head, I feel so trapped instead, but trapped doesn't seem so bad 'cause you are here. / Plumb_

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**Here With Me**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

Rosalie was nowhere in sight when I came through the door, but Emmett, true to form, was sitting in his usual spot, strewn across the recliner, his legs hanging over the armrest with a controller in his hands.

"You're not serious, Em. Feeling nostalgic?"

"Thought I smelled something," he said, his huge grin in place.

"Be nice. Jacob smells good, you big bully."

"Only to you, squirt."

"Since you're avoiding my question you're gonna have to share," I said and sailed through the air, pouncing on him. "Yoink." I easily slipped it out of his hands while he was busy making sure we wouldn't crash into the fancy coffee table next to him. He grunted as I waved the controller triumphantly in his face.

"What does a girl know about video games?" he teased.

"I don't know, you'd have to go find one. I'm a hybrid and I know that I can beat you. Come on big guy, I'll race ya. 100 bucks says I win." I offered him a challenge he couldn't refuse; besides, Emmett was always up for a bet or two.

"You're on. Prepare to cough up."

He was always a good guy to be around when Jacob was in one of his moods, and while I'd been hoping that the years would make it all go away, I was sorely disappointed that it didn't. Of course, I knew a bit more about all the reasons behind it now than I used to, but not fully. Everyone was so secretive about my mom's life before she became a vampire. Jacob had been a part of that life, that much I knew, but that was just as much of a mystery to me as everything else.

In another few years, I'd be celebrating my hundredth birthday, and while that's kind of old, I still felt that they all treated me like their little Nessie-pooh. My mom was an exception to that rule, but that was a whole different ball game. She wasn't the same as she used to be, and that could be said every few years as she lost a little bit more of who she was. At times, it felt like I was the one supporting her, being her crutch to lean on. I didn't mind at all; I loved her, more than anything in this world. We all loved her in our own way.

I was still trying to figure out who loved her most, who loved her best. It was a tie between me, dad and Jacob.

With dad it wasn't a question that he loved her most, but I did question the "best" part. Of course I loved my dad, and I wouldn't want to say anything bad about him, but he was, for the lack of a better term, a complete drag. He used to be better, I guess we all used to be better, back when mom was still somewhat herself. These days you'd be lucky to catch him smiling, unless you dragged it out of him. But it was the way he acted around mom, and no matter how much he loved her, he was making things harder for her to deal with.

Jacob and I, on the other hand, tried our damnedest to come up with things that would cheer her up. The latest thing was her truck that he'd gotten shipped up here to Alaska. It had been a mess when it arrived, rusting to pieces, but I had spent countless hours, weeks, months, watching and helping him rebuild it. It had been one of the hardest things I'd ever had to do. I've seen pain. Having lived nearly a hundred years gives you the opportunity to bear witness to a lot of different things. Like my grandpa's funeral, grandma Renee's funeral, even if I never got to meet her. The number of funerals I had attended was ridiculous. Ridiculous because there hadn't been enough weddings or christenings or anything to make up for the scars those funerals had left.

Apart from grandpa Charlie's funeral, Billy's had been the hardest. Then came Rachael's and Rebecca's. The list runs on, and, as I said, it's really stupid that I'd experienced more of them than any other occasion.

It didn't seem fair that our family had to go through so much misery. We loved each other, we were devoted, and there wasn't anyone here who wouldn't do anything for the other. In particular this was true for Jacob, and that is why it had been so hurtful to watch him and work with him on that truck. There had been times where I'd had to physically drag him away from the damn thing because he would have worked himself into the ground. I've watched my best friend a lot during the years, and there is no one who personifies love and loyalty better than him.

The day would start with him having his breakfast, while pouring over plans at a workbench, then we would move on to stripping parts, and at some point I would leave, sometimes for a whole day, only to come back and find him _still_ buried in the truck.

It had been the worst in the beginning, when he'd gotten it up here. I'd found him sitting inside, looking at something, or so I'd thought, but when I'd come up to him I'd realized that there had been nothing there but rust and holes. Whatever he'd seen had been something that used to be there, and it had been one of those days where I'd had to pull him away. One of those days where I'd fought against the questions bubbling up inside me. But I'd kept a lid on them; I knew that if he wanted me to know he would've told me. He never did though, and I left it at that.

There was one question that I wasn't certain how much longer I'd be able to keep it inside, though. A question I had asked mom, just a couple of days before my 16th birthday. About a dream, a recurring dream. It had been about Jacob, it still plagued my dreams, and while it still didn't make any sense and confused me, I'd held it inside. Mom had freaked out about it, and thought that Jacob had done something; what, I didn't know. I hadn't even told her the specifics, I hadn't gotten that far. But I wanted answers, because it was beginning to nag at me. Not only because I had never thought about my friend like that, but even more so because, regardless of my lack of interest in him in such a way, I was a woman, and I was probably the only one in history who'd celebrate her 100th birthday as a virgin. I hadn't even _kissed_ anyone. Maybe I was too much like my dad. He had been a virgin when he married my mom. I wasn't supposed to know about that, but Emmett had let it slip.

Either I'd have to broach the subject again with mom, or I'd have to confront Jacob about it. One of the two, and both prospects scared the living daylights out of me. Pathetic, I know. I'm half-vampire with a huge, loving and overprotective family of vampires and a werewolf for a best friend. What could possible scare me? It wasn't like me to keep things to myself, but when it came to my mom and my Jacob I didn't want to hurt their feelings, and something told me that letting either of them in on my dreams would start a shit-fight. Especially after having felt the tension when I'd come into the barn to make sure that mom wasn't giving Jacob a hard time about the present.

Jacob cared about her so much, it shone through his guarded eyes and I couldn't understand how she was so blind to it. How could she stand there, cold and rigid, and not _feel_ what came off him in waves. Even my dad could feel it, and that was saying a lot. _There_ was another puzzle; my dad's relationship with Jacob was plain weird. The three of them together were infuriating, and I wished that one day I would be allowed to find out what it was. One hundred years was coming up, and my patience was wearing thin.

When I'd shown Emmett who was boss, and was a few hundred bucks richer, I escaped before Rosalie could return and get all up in our faces for being kids. Something must have crawled up her ass before she died and was now firmly lodged in there for eternity. I felt sorry for Emmett. I knew I should probably be nicer to Rose, she loved me. Apart from me and my mom, she never really warmed up to anyone.

The stories varied, because they belonged to mom, dad and Jacob's past, the mystery that I wasn't allowed to know about. But as I'd understood it, if it hadn't been for Rose I could've possibly not existed. It made sense, though, that she'd fought for me. There was one thing she really wanted, and she'd have to live forever knowing she'd never have it: a child of her own.

Regardless, she could be vicious, so I took off. Also, I was curious to see if mom had wanted to take her truck for a spin. I'd definitely want to go with her. The engine that Jacob had built and put in there was nothing short of sweet, and having grown up with a mechanic for a best friend, I loved cars. I loved speed, and messy, dirty things. Perfect didn't interest me in the slightest, unless it was something used to describe cars or bikes.

"You're a moron, Jacob. When are you gonna get it through your thick head?

"Give it a rest, Leah."

I hung back, hoping I'd catch some juicy details, but Jacob was a party-pooper, he _always_ seemed to know when I was close. They got all quiet.

"Ness," he called out in that usual tone that said: "You naughty girl, you."

I slumped my shoulders and shoved my hands in my pockets, strolling around the door and into the barn. Jacob looked horrible and Leah looked ready to pounce.

"What's going on?"

"Jacob is dense," Leah said in a huff, eye-balling him. She was a tigress – yes, a werewolf, but a tigress all the same. She was lethal and cruel, someone whose bad side you didn't want to get on. I did have an idea what this might be about though, judging from Jacob's guarded expression, and the fact that mom's truck was still sitting there. I sighed.

"She loved it, I know she did," I said quietly and walked up to Jacob, putting my arms around him. Why did she do this to him?

"She's never known a thing about love, if you'd known her before-"

"Leah," Jacob warned.

She threw her hands up in exasperation. "Get over it, already. She made her choice!"

"Leah!" He went tense as a bowstring in my arms, and a hiss flew up my throat.

"What choice?" I asked, and Jacob froze. "Never mind," I said and gave his thick waist a squeeze. Leah looked at me, and she had that weird expression on her face again as her eyes floated between me and Jacob. I'd seen it countless times, and it made me uncomfortable. Jacob was shaking his head at her, which made her growl, then she took off, her hands shaking.

Leah and I had, over the years, managed to build a friendship, albeit a somewhat strange one, but it was a friendship all the same. Jacob had explained once that she'd gone through some rough things back in La Push when they were younger, and she'd asked him once if she could tag along, so he'd let her. For a guy that was surrounded by so many women you'd think he'd go soft, but maybe we were just not the right kind of women for that. Leah was rough around the edges, to say the least. My mom was just awkward and I was – just me. Not very girly, I was what human women called "one of the guys".

"I take it mom took off," I asked, unable to keep the irritation out of my voice.

"Ah, yeah, it was my fault though. I was being a bit pushy. You know how I get."

I peered up at him, but he was avoiding eye contact, telling me that he didn't want to talk about it. "I doubt it was your fault, Jacob. Mom's just – mom. She doesn't know what's good for her."

This made him scoff, but then he shrugged and walked over to the truck, picking up the cover to slide it back in place. Even with his back turned to me, I could tell that this was gonna be a shitty night for him. It made my blood boil.

"Please, Ness. Let it go."

How did he _do_ that? Instead of backing down, which really wasn't my thing, even if I usually did when it came to Jacob, I walked up and rounded him, glancing at his guarded face.

"Wanna go for a ride?" I said instead, chickening out.

He cocked an eyebrow and narrowed his eyes. "Depends what you have in mind," he offered, relaxing his shoulders slightly.

"How about we go spy on mom? I'm tired of not knowing what the hell she's doing up there in the mountain." The moment I mentioned mom, he tensed up on me again and I groaned. "Jacob, come on. Don't let her get to you like this." When he remained quiet, I changed my approach and placed my head against his shoulder, peering up at him from beneath my lashes, making my voice soft and sweet. "Aren't you the least bit curious?" I hadn't tried to charm him into doing anything in years, and while I knew it always would work, it didn't have the desired effect this time. Instead he shifted away from me, averting his eyes.

"If she wanted us to know about it she'd say something," he explained in his business-like tone.

I sighed. "I know, but still,"

"Nessie, can we not," he took a deep breath, "talk about this?"

"Oh poo." I folded my arms and pouted. "It sucks when you're like this. Brooding doesn't suit you, Jacob." He walked over to an old sofa that had been placed against the wall to the left as you entered the barn. We'd spent many hours there over the years, discussing all manner of things between heaven and earth. Sometimes I'd even walked in on him sleeping on it, his long legs hanging over the edge. Jacob was tall, not to mention his broad shoulders and thick arms. So when he sat down on the sofa he took up more than half of it, leaving me a narrow space to squeeze in to. Sure, it wasn't an overly huge sofa, but still.

He threw his arm around me and pulled me close. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to be such a grump." I smiled and cuddled into him, his warmth eliciting an instant yawn from me as I sank into his embrace. Being surrounded by a family full of vampires was sure to make you feel safe, even if I know I wasn't helpless, but Jacob's arms had always been where I'd felt the most protected, and I'd fallen asleep there on countless occasions. This evening was no different, except that it was.

The dreams came to me quickly, I couldn't even remember falling asleep, but next thing I knew I was cold. Cold was an understatement, I was freezing. I had never felt such discomfort from the cold before, but this was digging into my bones. I quickly realized that this dream wasn't like the others, it was new and, instead of being surrounded by light, it was pitch-black. Another thing that was so different about this dream were the occasional swirls that danced in front of my eyes. Like fireflies that left a trail behind them as they twirled in circles, up and down, from side to side. Then they were gone, and I saw my dad, but he was different and the way he was looking at me sent shockwaves throughout my whole being. I had seen dad hurting. Watching him around mom lately wasn't nice, but this was unfathomable agony and it cut me open. That's when something burned me, moving down my spine, around me, surrounding me. Jacob's voice hummed in my ears but I couldn't make out the words, I was too wrapped up in the burning, like flames on my skin but also something else. A noise. A howling noise. Then I woke up, or wait, it was Jacob shaking me.

"Nessie!" His frantic voice finally cut through the fuzziness in my brain and my eyelids fluttered open. I blinked, my eyes focusing on my surroundings. Cars, workbenches, tools; the barn. Phew. It was only a dream. As much as I knew they were dreams they were too real at the same time; I always woke up with remnants of the dreams soaking my clothes. Now was no different.

"I was dreaming," I mumbled. "Sorry."

"You were having full-on convulsions and I thought you were gonna shatter your teeth. Jeez, Ness. Are you okay?" He turned me so that he could look at my face and I gazed at him through the blurry haze that still surrounded me.

"Weird, I was dreaming that I was freezing," I said and pulled back. His arms loosened around me reluctantly. "Dad was there too, and he was in pain. Severe pain."

Jacob raised an eyebrow. "Pain is your dad's best friend," he said with a smirk, but it faded when I didn't laugh, which under normal circumstances I would have. But this was the first time I'd had these dreams while in Jacob's arms, and it was difficult to hold back my questions when it was all still raw in my mind and my body.

"You were there too," I said before I could change my mind. Somehow my eyes fell to my lap and I couldn't look at him. It wasn't like me to be unsure, but the dream was still, in some ways, manifested in my body, like I was still half there and half here. Jacob even felt different. He was warmer, reminding me of the burning from my dream. His hand caught my chin and he forced me to look at him.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I looked at his face, staring at his cheek. What was wrong with me? My whole body felt wrong, heavy and sluggish. I shrugged free of him and stood up, swaying lightly.

"It's the dream," I said simply, gritting my teeth and forcing myself to look him in the eye. Shouldn't have done that, because it sent a jolt through me and my knees gave way. Each tiny fiber in my body ached painfully as Jacob placed me back on the sofa, having caught me before I hit the floor.

"Christ, Ness, talk to me!"

"Dammit," I grunted. "That hurt!"

When my eyes refocused on his they were guarded, his face drawn. "You scared me," he said brusquely.

"How come you're in my dreams so much?" I blurted, tired of keeping it to myself. Besides, it was difficult to keep my mouth shut around Jacob; he was my best friend, and keeping things from him was wrong. He hunched down next to me, and I propped myself up on my elbow and watched him. Confusion wasn't only _my_ state of mind, it would seem, because his face was full of questions.

"We spend a lot of time together," he offered.

"Not like this, we don't," I said meaningfully, trying to will him to understand without me having to spell it out for him. Not that my latest dream had involved his lips on mine or his hands leaving those burning trails on my skin, but the majority of the dreams always ended up with the same scene. I must have a poor lack of imagination if that's all my subconscious could come up with. His whole frame went rigid and he looked absolutely petrified. "Hey, calm down, don't freak out on me," I said quickly, but he was frozen solid like he'd just locked his gaze with a basilisk.

His lips moved but it took a while before he spoke, though it didn't really help; it only confused the hell out of me.

"Please, don't do this," he begged, each word like a dying man's last wish.

"Do what?" I searched his face, his eyes. Whatever it was that he didn't want me to do, if I did it, he gave me the impression I would be twisting a knife in his gut. Was it such a scary concept that I had those kinds of dreams about him? "I'm not planning on doing anything," I told him, trying to sound reassuring. The torment in his eyes stabbed at me. I placed my hands on either side of his face. "Sorry I brought it up, we don't have to talk about it." It was completely understandable that he wouldn't want to talk about this with me; I was his best friend's daughter, and even if he and I were best friends, too, I guess his loyalties with my mom ran a bit deeper. It was fine, really, I just wish he hadn't looked like it could kill him. I wasn't interested in him that way, but I had an ego, and he'd just given it a bit of a bruising. "Am I that horrible?" I teased lightly.

"No," he said thickly, "You're beautiful, Ness."

My eyebrows shot up. "Really?" I asked, surprised. So he did see me as a woman, after all.

Sighing he nodded. "Yeah, really." At least he had relaxed a little bit. Enough for him to get up and walk over to his workbench. He leaned on it, his shoulders slumping slightly as he let out another sigh. I watched his back and wondered if anyone saw that Jacob was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Did mom see it?

"Maybe if you talked about it," I started, and got off the couch, noting with a sense of relief, yet suspicious, that whatever weird state I'd been in was completely gone. "I know something is bothering you, and I know it's got to do with mom. I wish you'd talk to me, Jacob. I want to understand. I want to help."

He shook his head. "It's my problem."

I puffed out my cheeks and expelled a loud sigh. "My patience is wearing thin. You're all keeping secrets from me, and frankly I've had it. What is it that you feel you can't tell me?"

"Ask your mom," he replied, as usual. Always when I asked him, he'd send me to talk with either mom or dad. I didn't really mean to be pushy about it, and I saw that this was upsetting him, but how long was I supposed to carry the weight of their secrets when I didn't even know what they were? Surely it couldn't be that bad. I put my hands on my hips. "No," I said. "I want _you_ to tell me. They never will, so that leaves you."

A shudder went through him and he gripped the bench. I could hear the wood creaking and his shoulders stiffened. "What do you want to know?" His voice was strained and shock rocked through me. Was he was actually giving in to me? I almost asked him why he changed his mind all of a sudden, after all these years. Had I pushed him one too many times? Or was he just tired of keeping secrets? Had mom upset him and pushed him too far today? For a moment, I deliberated telling him to forget about it, but after decades of them tiptoeing around me, the curiosity took me over and I thought long and hard to form my words carefully.

"What's the deal with you and mom?" It seemed appropriate, considering the mood he was in had been caused by her, and no one managed to bring him down like she did. He didn't answer straight away, and as he continued to struggle I found myself wishing I hadn't asked. I didn't want to hurt him, and when I couldn't take his escalating heartbeat anymore I quickly changed my mind.

"You know what, forget about it," I blurted and hurried up to him, putting my arms around his waist. I leaned my cheek against his back and the frantic pace of his heart pounded into my ear.

"I was in love with her," he said quietly, his voice so weak that I wasn't sure if he'd really meant to say it out loud, but then he continued, the words broken. "I still am." In that moment I swore I was the only one in history who knew the sound of a broken heart shattering all over again. There were no words. Tears sprung instantly to my eyes as I listened, and whatever he felt then I felt too. I couldn't think, or breathe. It explained everything. Those few simple, yet powerful words gave answers to decades of accumulated questions.

Everything became clear. I groaned and smacked myself mentally for having wanted to talk about my dreams with him. No wonder he had freaked out, and no wonder mom didn't want to talk about it either. Maybe I had just known all along, and that's why I had never really pushed the issue. I'd seen _and_ felt something there, and it wasn't a secret that he loved her. But _in love_ with her. I think I'd have to reconsider my dad loving her most. Was it even possible for a werewolf to be in love with a vampire? I guess it was, and not even a century could lessen Jacob's feelings.

Was that why he cared about me so much? Why he was so protective of me? I couldn't begin to imagine what it must be like for him to watch mom and dad. How many times have I watched them hugging and kissing in front of him? I winced. How could they do that? _They didn't know_. But surely my dad must know, he reads minds. Or was Jacob just that good at hiding it?

"Why are you still here, Jacob?" I thought out loud, and he flinched.

"I have to be," he said simply, but the underlying pain made me cringe.

"_Get over it, already. She made her choice!"_

It was obvious. "You're not giving up." It wasn't a question, it was a statement of fact. Would he wait an eternity for her? What would that feel like? So many things fell against the confinement of my brain, so many questions bubbled up inside me. I couldn't keep a lid on it, it wasn't my style to lock things up inside, and I admired them for being able to hold it all in when they must feel like screaming. "You can never be with her, Jacob. She's-"

"I know."

"Wow."

Jacob didn't care. I felt an immense privilege having him here as a friend. Of course I knew he was special. He was my Jacob. Mom's Jacob, too. I could share, I thought with a small smile playing on my lips, but then I thought about how blind mom was. Or maybe she knew and that's why she was being so cold. Did she care about him? Had she ever felt for him the way he felt for her?

"Did she love you, too?"

I could hear him swallow. "Not enough." I dropped my arms and moved to his side, glancing at him carefully, and he turned his eyes on me. "I'm tired, Ness, mind if I push off?" He suddenly looked a lot older, and I knew that, right now, the kind of tired he felt was nothing sleep would fix. Nothing _could_ fix this, and it broke my heart. I touched his face and he sighed, leaning into my hand. Maybe it couldn't be fixed, but I was glad at least that my company did seem to help, even if it was just a little bit. His eyes were on mine now, and he kept looking, just that little bit longer than he usually did.

"You have her eyes," he whispered tightly. I knew this, but the way he said it wasn't to enlighten me, it was more for himself, and even though I should feel weird right now, I couldn't find it in me to pull away.

"I know," I said quietly. "Does it bother you?"

He gave a slight shake with his head while reaching up to brush his thumb across the outer corner of my eye, down across my cheekbone. His thumb continued down my face only to falter as it passed the edge of my lower lip. I was mesmerized by his eyes, fascinated as I watched emotions flicker in their depths. Was he remembering something? I knew he was looking at me, and his warm, rough fingers were touching my face, but he was looking right through me at something else that stirred deeply within my mind, within my body. It was as if I was floating, like I wasn't really there, and it was the strangest feeling I'd ever had; not uncomfortable, but not pleasant either. As if I had been severed from my limbs.

"_Jake_." Did I just say that? Out loud? Jacob had snatched his hand back and he was staring at me, lips slightly parted.

"What did you just call me?" His voice was low and rough.

I swallowed. "I-" Had I really said that out loud? It felt more like an echo inside my mind, I couldn't even remember having moved my lips. But he'd heard it. "I guess I called you Jake," I said unevenly.

He shook his head, pulling a shaky hand through his hair. "Sorry," he mumbled. "You've never called me that before, it took me by surprise."

"No kidding. Took me by surprise too," I said through a small laugh. My head was spinning, and for the first time in my life, I felt uncomfortable around Jacob. All I wanted to do was turn and make a run for it, but that might make him think he'd done something wrong or upset me, which he hadn't. The silence grew louder until I couldn't take it anymore. "I'm going to head back to the house, I'm feeling a bit tired, too."

"I didn't upset you, did I?" He asked hurriedly.

I groaned. "No, Jacob. I'm good. Just tired."

"Okay." He pulled me into his arms and gave me a squeeze, kissing my forehead. "G'night," he whispered.

"'Night, Jacob."

I ran as fast as I could, which was pretty damn fast. All the way back to the house, I ran while replaying what had just happened. My mind was a big jumble and I was so distracted by it all that I didn't remember that my dad would be there, or that he would be picking my loud thoughts out of my head before I even entered through the door. In fact, I was so out of it that I crashed straight into his arms. He caught me, and as the realization hit me I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his. They were wide, dark and piercing.

"Dad, don't start," I said before he could open his mouth.

"I have a good mind to-"

"Stop." I cut him off and slipped away from him. "I think I know what you're going to say, and I don't want to hear it." As if they needed anymore fuel against Jacob, and I had just handed him a whole tank full!

"I'm glad you couldn't keep this from me. We specifically asked him not to talk about it."

"With good reason," I replied evenly. "I can't believe you two," I added, leveling him with an irritated stare. "What kind of a sick game are you both playing?" Where did all this anger come from? I didn't get angry very often. Irritated or annoyed, yes, but angry? My dad pinched the bridge of his nose, and I rolled my eyes.

"Renesmee-"

"Don't you go all 'Renesmee' on me, _Edward_." If he was going to pull that on me I'd give it right back.

He sighed. "There's a lot more to this than we could ever explain," he said, sounding tired.

"Try, because it's bound to come out sooner or later." If he didn't tell me then I'd confront mom about it and I knew that this time I wouldn't relent. Not until I had some answers.

"Don't tell your mom," he said weakly, looking miserable. "She has enough on her plate as it is."

"Looks like you'll have to spill the beans, then. All of it, dad."

He let out an exasperated sigh. "We wanted it to be _your_ choice, Nessie."

I blinked. Say what? My choice? Were we talking about the same thing here? My dad's loud groan interrupted my inner monologue.

"What _choice_?" My eyes narrowed. "What are you talking about?" I'd just hit the motherload here, and things were apparently a lot more complicated than I'd thought. He was right, there was a lot more to this than they could explain. Well, they'd have to try. "What's everyone's obsession with _choices_? Mom's choices, _my_ choices. What about Jacob's choices, dad? Does _he_ have a say in anything?"

Leah had been talking about my mom making her choice, and now dad was saying that they wanted something to be _my_ choice, whatever that was. I couldn't help but think about Jacob, and how he didn't seem to have much of a choice in anything. Come to think of it, he always backed down when there was an argument. Suddenly I felt sick.

"Maybe your mom should be here for this," he said tightly, as if _he_ had something to be angry about. Again I wondered where my own sudden onslaught of anger came from, besides that I wasn't very happy at all about how unfairly Jacob was treated by them all. "I'm going to call her, go sit down in the living room."

I stared at him. "I'm not a _dog_!"

"Then don't behave like one," he shot back. What? Was that a jab at Jacob? Because we spent so much time together and suddenly their pretty little walls came tumbling down and they needed a scapegoat? I wasn't going to be it, and I wouldn't allow them to make one out of Jacob, either.

My dad already had mom on the phone. "I'm sorry to disturb you, love, but apparently Jacob has run his mouth, again."

Again? He made it sound like it was a frequent occurrence. Jacob had been nothing but the well-trained little lapdog they'd made him into. My dad shot me a warning with his eyes and I sighed, watching him hang up. He flashed to the door, telling me he was going to get Jacob and I got up to protest but he was already gone, and really, what could I do? That wasn't a confrontation I was going to get stuck in the middle of.

I had a feeling that whatever I thought about our family was about to be challenged, and before the end of the night the walls really would come tumbling down, revealing things that I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

The look on my dad's face had indicated that whatever Jacob had "run his mouth" about was something huge, something they'd both wanted to protect and keep from me. It left an uncomfortable, heavy weight in my stomach. What didn't make any sense though, was how it had been such a crime for me to know that Jacob had once been in love with mom. And what did that have to do with me? How could that affect my choices? What choices?

Mom was the first one to come through the door, and she flitted to my side.

"What did he tell you?"

My shoulders slumped. "Mom, I'm not going to talk to either of you if you're going to be like this."

"Get your hands off me," I heard Jacob growl as he came stalking across the floor into the living room, my dad closely behind him. He rarely came here, and I could tell straight away how uncomfortable he was. Mom's head turned, and she stared at him.

"I thought we had a deal, Jacob."

"We did – we _do_. I haven't said anything. Christ, here we go again. This is insane. How many times have I said I won't say anything? How many goddamn times!"

So, Jacob was in on the secret, and apparently it wasn't anything to do with him still being in love with mom. My dad growled and glared at Jacob.

"What is it, Edward?" Mom asked.

I averted my eyes and looked over to Jacob instead, who was standing at the edge of the couch, stiff but proud, his face stoic.

"Why don't you ask him yourself," dad said through his teeth.

Shit! He'd just picked something from my brain again, hadn't he? Wait, so what was this about? What had I been thinking about when I entered the house? Oh. Jacob touching my face. What had it looked like to dad? Maybe he thought Jacob was coming onto me? But why would he do that? It made no more sense than dreaming about it. Double-shit! Reciting Bryan Adams was pointless now. Oops.

My dad was narrowing his eyes, staring at me while mom stood motionless next to him, looking from Edward to me, then to Jacob.

"Do you have something to say to me, Jacob?" she asked.

"Nope. I think this is all your little drama to deal with, and I'd like to go to bed, if you don't mind."

"Let him go," I said quietly, turning to mom and dad.

Were they really going to push him? Was this about him being in love with mom? Would dad really make him say it? To what end?

"No," mom insisted and kept her gaze on Jacob. "Edward seems to think you have something to tell me, so spit it out."

His fists clenched, and when he turned his dark eyes on my dad, I got up and walked to stand in the middle of the floor, putting myself between Jacob and them.

"I think he can go. Whatever secret you all want to keep from me is still safe, so just let him go."

Mom gave me a strange look, then her expression changed and suddenly she was facing dad again. "What exactly happened?"

"I might have misinterpreted," he started softly, reaching out to touch her, but she remained unaffected and pulled away, causing his eye to flash with pain.

"Tell me," she pressed, but when he didn't answer fast enough for her liking she turned back to Jacob. "You'd better tell me, Jacob-"

"Or what, Bella?"

"The dog is still in love with you," my dad said finally, which made me flinch.

Mom went completely still and I almost didn't dare to look at Jacob, but I did anyway, and I regretted it instantly. I had never been one to lose my temper, I didn't even know I had one. Sure, I could be a bit feisty, but never angry. I was still surprised that I had reacted the way I had when I first came home to face my dad. But now, as I watched Jacob's face crumple, leaving him naked and vulnerable in front of mom and dad, something inside me broke, and I felt such utter disgust for my parents. I was ashamed.

"How dare you," I hissed at dad. "Mom _chose_ _you_. Am I not proof enough of that, isn't _she_ proof enough of that? Don't you see what you're doing? Right now I'm ashamed to be your daughter." I could see I hurt him, but right now it mattered little to me; he had hurt Jacob, hung him out to poke fun at him, belittling his feelings, as if they weren't worth anything.

Mom looked at me. "Nessie."

"Don't, mom. I understand if you didn't love Jacob enough, but you got what you wanted, why can't you at least _try_ and be good to him? I don't understand either of you. From where I'm standing, you and dad deserve each other, but you do _not_ deserve Jacob."

She didn't even flinch. When I looked at Jacob he was struggling to keep it together. He was hanging on by threads, but was looking at me, pleading with me. I had overstepped my mark, I could see that, and no matter how much she hurt him, no matter how they _both_ hurt him, he loved her, and what I'd just told her had hurt him just as much, if not more. I was supposed to be his friend.

"Nessie," he asked quietly.

I looked down. "Sorry, Jacob."

"Jacob, why?" Mom's voice was slightly awkward.

A silence fell over the room, until the only sounds were mine and Jacob's breaths and heartbeats, his strong yet uneven, drowning out my own. This felt wrong, we shouldn't all be here, he shouldn't be put on the spot like this. If he'd wanted us all to know he would've told us. How could dad have done this to him? I didn't dare lift my gaze from my shoes.

"He wasn't planning on telling you," I heard my dad say quietly.

"When are you going to learn to stay the hell outta my head?" Jacob growled.

"Edward," mom whispered.

"He's right, but since it's all out in the open you should be happy, right? Nessie will always have her choices, and _I'm never_ going to take them away from her." His bitter words cut through me, and the way he spoke of choices was as if he were accusing mom of taking his.

"Jacob, I never meant to-"

He sighed. "I know, Bells." Broken and defeated, he still managed to speak to her so softly. I heard my dad hiss, causing my eyes to lift to his face. He was staring at Jacob, which made me finally turn to look at him. Whatever went on inside Jacob's mind should be left alone; his face was drawn, and his eyes showed enough to tell that now wasn't the time to go poking about in his head.

"You can't be serious." My dad's eyes widened. "_She doesn't love you, Jacob._ When will you see this and stop tormenting yourself?"

"Edward!"

Jacob shrugged and moved past us, pausing briefly next to mom, saying something in a voice so tender it made my heart ache. "Even now."

She turned. "Jacob!"

"Let him go," dad told her softly, taking her arm but she pulled away. "Love, you know there's no point going after him. Nessie is right, I shouldn't have said what I did, and I'm sorry." He glanced at me, his eyes remorseful now, agonized. I didn't buy it, though, I think it was all for her. Everything was always for her, like an obsession. He didn't care about Jacob at all.

"You're right," mom said. "There is no point. And you are correct, you shouldn't have said that. He has already lost. How could you, Edward? What purpose did it serve to know that he is still in love with me? Couldn't he have been allowed to have that? After all we have taken from him, and this is how you repay him for the sacrifices he's made for us?" She started to leave, but stopped next to me. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. You're right, though, I never deserved him."

"Mom, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's okay. I'm going to set this right."

And she was gone.

**o~*iii*~o**


	5. Bloodstream

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_I think I might've inhaled you, I could feel you behind my eyes. You've gotten into my bloodstream, I could feel you flowing in me. / Stateless_

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**Bloodstream**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2022 – Several decades ago.**_

"Jacob, wait." I called out after him.

He stopped, just a few yards ahead, but he didn't turn. I watched the rise and fall of his shoulders, trying to figure out what had just happened.

"Just leave it, Bella," he said roughly but still didn't turn to look at me.

"What are you doing, Jacob? What just happened in there?" It couldn't be what I thought. Why would Jacob try to kiss me? It made no sense. Why hadn't I moved away from him?

"I told you to leave it," he said a bit more forcefully, turning around slowly. His face was tense, his eyes wet.

"Aw, Jake," I said thickly, blinking against unshed tears that would never make an appearance.

His jaw flexed while he fixed his eyes on an invisible spot on the ground. Whatever had happened in there had opened up a gate to something I felt I was losing my hold on. Instead of feeling numb or lost, I felt too much. Something about him caused this reaction in me, and while I was glad I wasn't completely lost, I didn't want to feel so torn.

The past 16 years had been everything I could've ever imagined, and so much more. I had Edward and Nessie, even my best friend, who had seemed so happy and content. Finally, I had thought, everything made sense, just as I'd predicted, just as I had told Jacob. Perhaps I could have done without him imprinting on my daughter, but even with that taken into the equation, I could say beyond any doubt that things had finally fallen into place; the world was as it should be.

Until recently.

Why did I feel like I was slipping away? How come Edward's touch didn't cause my breath to catch the way it used to? It was as if I was losing a hold on myself, like I wasn't really here to begin with, and that I'd been floating along on a cloud of blissful ignorance. But now reality was setting in. Again I was beginning to feel that I didn't belong, like I truly was a mismatch, even in this life.

How had things gone so horribly wrong? Was I being punished for something? I looked at Jacob again, feeling a powerful urge to put my arms around him, to comfort him. Would he let me? I was confused, and I had thought that he was happy, but as I continued to look at him, I found it hard to believe. He appeared to be all but happy. I stepped closer, gauging his reaction, as I came to stand a few feet away from him.

"Jake," I repeated again, glancing up at him. "I thought you were happy?" He stiffened slightly, but made himself meet my eyes. He smiled, but it felt so wrong that my frozen heart ached.

"Don't worry about me, Bells. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."

He was lying. I knew he was, even if I didn't understand what he was lying about. Had something happened at the res, or was it pack business?

"You're my best friend, Jake, of course I worry," I offered softly.

Why couldn't he tell me the truth? Was this what we'd been reduced to? Hadn't we been able to talk about everything once? Once, perhaps, but that was before life, death and love got in the way. If I really thought about it, we hadn't been able to talk for a long time. Why didn't it bother me until now? Had I really neglected him for this long? Maybe it was only the fact that we just hadn't spent that much time together lately. Or maybe it hadn't been as important to me. Hadn't I been all wrapped up in Edward, in our happily-ever-after? Hadn't I thought that I was the luckiest person to have gotten all that I had? Hadn't I even been so undeniably thankful, and in awe, that I got to keep my best friend, regardless of everything that stood between us? The misery was gone, my need for him and his need for me. For once we had been able to just enjoy each other's company, without added complications. So what had happened?

Jacob stood before me, seemingly as deep in thought as me, while his eyes moved carefully across my face.

"Has something happened? Is everyone at the res okay? Is Billy all right?"

He scoffed. "Don't you think I would tell you if something happened to my dad?"

I exhaled, not even thinking about it. These things just came so naturally in his company. Why was that?

"I guess," I said quietly. "Seriously, though, what just happened in there? Did you try-"

"Bella. Don't." He tensed right back up again. "It was an accident. Old habit, maybe? Don't freak out about it."

"To be qualified as habit, it would suggest that it happened often. You only kissed me twice, Jacob Black." I tried to keep my voice light and teasing, but something was bugging him, and instead of reacting to it with humor it seemed to upset him.

"Not by my choice," he shot back. Both of us flinched and I could see my shock reflected in his face.

Could he seriously still be holding on to some part of the past? He was supposed to be okay with all of this. How many times had he watched me and Edward being close, embracing or heard us tell each other "I love you."? He hadn't reacted in any way. Not even the tiniest twitch.

"I thought we were past this," I said quietly, watching his face and his eyes.

"We are," he said quickly, but the tone of his voice didn't match the words. In fact, his whole face and his eyes contradicted what he'd just said.

"I don't believe you."

Anger flashed in his eyes. "Does it really matter?"

Did it matter if he told me the truth or if he lied? Of course it did. He should feel he could tell me anything. Unless what he had to tell me was something I didn't want to hear, which put us back at square one. What kind of a friend was I that would only listen to what was convenient to me? I could take anything, couldn't I? After all, he had given up so much for me, so I could be with Edward. Come to think of it, he had sacrificed himself before he had imprinted on my daughter. He had loved me once, so much that he would willingly give me up, so I could continue to live, in one form or another. Was it possible that he still cared for me, even just a little? Could I handle knowing that? Why was I even thinking this? Of course he didn't care about me like that. He had imprinted on my daughter, and whatever love he had once held for me was now reserved for Nessie, should she one day choose it.

"I guess it doesn't," I answered finally.

"As I thought."

"Would it hurt you if Nessie found someone else?" I had to know. As much as I wanted her to have the choice, I still couldn't bear the thought of Jacob in pain.

He stiffened. "Haven't you been listening to me? At all?" His face wore a mask of pure disbelief.

"I know you think that it won't happen, Jacob, but-"

"No 'buts'. And I don't think, I _know_." He seemed almost defiant.

"How can you be so sure?"

His mouth opened, but then snapped shut, and he turned his face away from me. It was stupid of me, but I did it anyway. My hand reached out to turn his face back to me. He growled and grabbed my wrist.

"Do _not_ touch me," he hissed, but he didn't release my wrist and I jerked back, trying to get away from him. I wasn't a newborn anymore, and Jacob was stronger than ever.

"Let go," I hissed back, still struggling to break free. The mood suddenly changed and, out of all things possible, an irrational excitement hummed in my body. Like I was preparing to spring, as if I were facing my prey, but at the same time I was overcome with an intense need to be close to him. My eyes fell to his hand and I stiffened. My senses were hyper aware of the sound of his beating heart, the blood pulsing through his veins. To my horror, venom pooled in my mouth and the need to draw closer was becoming too strong to handle. "Jake," I choked out. "Let me go," I pleaded. The heat from his hand seeped into my wrist, traveling up my arm. Without even realizing it, I had stepped closer, so close that my body was nearly touching his. Couldn't he tell how dangerous this was?

While his scent was repellant, the sound of his heart drew me closer. Why was this happening? I had been close to him many times and it had never bothered me, never had I confused him with, for the lack of a better term, food.

My eyes lifted to his, and I could see the confusion there, as well as something that I couldn't place. I licked my lips as my eyes fell on a pulsing vein in his neck.

"Bella?" He spoke unevenly, quietly. His voice was husky and it only made him seem all the more appealing. I was completely at the mercy of whatever strange need was taking me over. Again I had stepped closer, the searing heat of his chest burning me to the point of agony. My eyes flitted back to his and they were bewildered, confused... excited? Did he want me to hurt him? He unwrapped his fingers from my wrist, but the palm of his hand stayed connected with my skin, still burning. Then his eyes dropped to my arm where we were connected, as did mine. I could hear him swallow as he carefully molded his hand to my arm and began moving it upward. The motion was excruciating; so slow, so unsure. I could feel his trembles escalate as he continued trailing his hand up my arm, my eyes glued to his advances. Briefly, my eyes shifted to look at his, but he seemed engrossed in this action. When his hand rounded my shoulder, I only focused on his face, his eyes, his expressions. All manner of emotions played out in his eyes while I stood there, frozen, forcing myself not to act on my absurd instincts.

It didn't occur to me that this was highly inappropriate, nor did it ever enter my mind that my best friend should be this close. Not even when his hand moved down across my collarbone to stop over my dead heart did I stop him. I was mesmerized by his emotions, locked in place by his intense concentration. He took a deep, ragged breath as his fingers splayed above my heart, and his eyes filled with tears. In the next moment he threw his big arms around me, crushing me to him.

"Goddammit, Bella." His whole body shaking now. It was obvious how repulsed he was by me, it was only natural, yet he seemed to use all his power to ignore it.

Jacob wasn't the only one fighting himself, and while his horrid smell invaded my nostrils, being this close to him made another faint scent reach my senses. It triggered something in my memory from my hazy past. He also smelled sweet – what was that? I reached up, pulling at the neckline of his shirt and skimmed my nose against the soft skin revealed to me. He had frozen, his heart stuttered. It was stronger now, but no way near strong enough. That smell, so sweet – I moved up closer to his neck and he shuddered, the beat of his heart speeding up, making the scent even stronger. Again venom filled my mouth, and I swallowed back against the burn in my throat. It didn't register at all that I was already so far gone, at the mercy of my instincts, so when my tongue darted out to run across the vein in his neck I wasn't thinking at all. A hiss flew up my throat and the next thing I knew I was in a struggle with Jacob. Him trying to keep me off of him while I was trying to get closer.

"Bella," he growled. "What the hell?" His eyes were wide with shock, and when my thoughts came crashing back I was horrified with myself, and with him. How could he have let things get so far? What had he been thinking? What had _I_ been thinking?

"Why didn't you stop me?" I snarled, and he shook his head.

"I don't know. Jeez – I didn't think you were actually preparing to take a bite out of me, you crazy vampire!" Together with the fact that I was still feeling the aftermath of having been taken over by my instincts, and having him call me a crazy vampire – even if it were true – it hit a nerve, and I jerked away from him, only to throw a punch, catching him straight in the face. I felt something crack, and then burn. Jacob danced away from me, clutching his face and swore so badly the devil himself should be crying. I, on the other hand, stared at the crack over my knuckles, and Jacob's blood spattered across it.

"You broke my nose!" he cried out.

"Your face broke my hand!" I retorted vehemently and held it to me, wincing at the strange pain radiating up my wrist. Then the weirdest thing happened. If it hadn't been for my increased senses and my improved vision, I doubt I would've caught it. Mesmerized I stood there, watching as the crack closed up, but while doing so, there was a faint distortion of the pigmentation. Not only that, I felt an odd, warm tingle in my hand. Quickly I touched the strangely tinted area, only to snatch my hand away. The skin was soft, warm, if only for a fleeting moment. A painful burning sensation wiped it all away, and as I stared at my pale skin, I wondered if I had imagined it all.

"Are you okay?" I heard him ask.

With a quick nod, and without looking at him, I turned and ran back to the house. What had just happened? Not only the obvious loss of control, the strange attraction to Jacob and his blood, but what had it done to my skin?

Nessie met me on my way through the door.

"Mom, I heard you and Jacob argue – is everything okay?" Her eyes searched mine, then they fell to my hand. She groaned. "Mom!"

"He asked for it," I told her defensively.

"Sure he did. I bet he thanked you, too?" She raised an eyebrow, eying me skeptically.

"He's outside waiting," I replied, ignoring her sarcasm. "Don't go too far, Alice wants to see you later. Something to do with themes and colors." I rolled my eyes.

"Maybe I'll choose reds," she peered down at my hand, "and good versus evil as a theme. At least you and Jacob won't have to dress up, right?" She flipped her bronze curls and bounced out the door, blowing me a kiss. I was too dazed to even react to her jabs; in all honesty I couldn't get the incident out my head.

Something had happened when Jacob's blood had entered my wound, I was sure of it. But what? I hadn't even known that there was anything in my body besides the frozen and dead remnants of my human flesh. It made sense though, didn't it? If venom could flow into my mouth when I was enticed by blood, then it must mean that other parts of me had some type of life and function. Even more proof of that was the fact that Edward had been able to make me pregnant. Had anyone ever really examined vampires, I wondered finally.

Swiftly I moved into the kitchen and pulled out the sharpest knife we had, placing it across my palm. It didn't even leave a mark when I dragged it across my skin. I tried again but with added pressure. Nothing. Frustrated I put my hand beneath running water and washed off the rest of Jacob's blood.

I wasn't going to get into a fight with him again to recreate a wound and his blood. I'd need to figure out a different way, but how? I couldn't exactly ask him if I could have some of his blood, could I? Who would I talk to? Was there anyone I could even mention this to without them thinking I was completely and utterly insane? I couldn't tell Edward. He would instantly run after Jacob and blame him. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened between me and Jacob today. Had I finally, after all these years, lost my control? Or was it just my luck wearing off? Was this how it was meant to be all along, and while I had gotten to skip the whole newborn stage of becoming a vampire, it was now coming back to bite me in the butt? Had it all been a fluke? That would make sense. With everything else that was beginning to go bad, this was just more proof that I really was bound for disaster.

Regardless. I had to find out what had happened today, and the answers were hidden in Jacob's blood. A werewolf's blood. I just had to find myself another werewolf, willing to give me some of their blood. That should be easy; a vampire asking for blood, that wasn't such a strange thing, was it? Okay. I was definitely losing it.

**o~*iii*~o**


	6. Love The Way You Lie

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Well, that's all right because I like the way it hurts. Just gonna stand there and hear me cry? Well, that's all right because I love the way you lie. / Eminem feat. Rihanna_

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**Love the Way You Lie**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

Every fiber in my body fought against what my heart wanted so desperately. My thoughts, _their_ words – a whole century worth of them pounded in my head and it took every ounce of willpower to stop myself from going back there to rip his head clean off his shoulders. It would only hurt her. This is, if she still could feel the hurt. But my heart refused to believe she was that far gone.

_She doesn't love you, Jacob._

It was poison to my mind. Pure, potent and tearing at me. _All thanks to you_, I had wanted to shout at him. But I had held my tongue; at the end of the day, I was the loser. It didn't matter what I felt, what I did or what I wanted. I had lost. A long time ago. So why did I keep fighting? Each and every touch I had witnessed, every tender word that had flowed between them, every smile and each kiss. It should have killed whatever love I had left for her, but it hadn't. Even with Nessie around me daily; her kindness, her humor, the way she managed to make my day bearable. Slowly she was working her way into my closed heart, but it only made me hang on tighter. Against all sense, it made me love _Bella_ even more. It was as if everything about Nessie kept my head above water, so I wouldn't sink into this nightmare completely. While doing so, she made me remember all the things I loved about Bella, all that she had been, and all that Edward had taken away from her, from me.

A leech being a leech, it was his specialty to take things from you, to drain every piece you had that belonged to you. After decades of having asked him, repeatedly, to stay out of my head, he still couldn't give me that. Being werewolf and living amongst vampires really didn't give you much to call your own. Especially not when one of them was the reanimated corpse of the love of your life. Another was your nemesis, and a third your soul mate. Half-human or not she was still a vampire, warm or not she wasn't as soft or fragile as a human. Blood flowed in her veins and she had a beating heart, a soul, but still she wasn't completely human. Why was she my soul mate? Why had I imprinted on her? Had fate been cruel and whatever God the vamps worshiped given Bella her wish that I'd somehow get my piece of her, too? It was sick, it made me _feel_ sick. Nessie was, regardless of everything else, Bella's daughter. _My Bells'_ daughter. That she even thought I was going to fall in love with Nessie was just beyond words. I'd love her like a friend, like the daughter of my best friend and – I couldn't even say lover, because we had never even gotten _that_ far. As she had pointed out once, I had gotten to kiss her _twice_, one of them not even counting as a kiss because the first time earned me a right hook. Not that it had hurt me, but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

"Jacob!"

Like a knee-jerk reaction I stopped. Like she had me on a leash – my heart was on her leash, at least. I closed my eyes. Here we go again. Another pointless argument because she couldn't let me sneak away with my tail between my legs to lick my wounds in peace. She had to watch, didn't she? Well, if it was heartache she wanted to see because she couldn't feel it any longer, I'd oblige like 'good ole Jake' and give her what she wanted. I liked it, didn't I? Why else would I give in to her? Why else would I let her have every piece of me that was left? Didn't I build myself back up just so she could break me down again? Just when I thought I had enough, she'd give me something to hold onto, like the pain she inflicted on me resuscitated me at the same time. It reminded me of the times I still had a chance, even though I never really had. I'd be her sucker for eternity; what a grand fate. She'd yanked me right into her own twisted version of Romeo and Juliet. I always knew those books were unhealthy.

"He shouldn't have invaded your privacy like that," she continued when I didn't turn or answer her. "I understand why you haven't told me, I really do, but Jacob, what are you doing? How can you still-"

"Bella," I cut her off and turned to face her. "When are you gonna let me go?" She stood there, silent.

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you see that _you_ are the one keeping me here? You cut me down, I run, you run after me, and I stop. Then I stay. If you'd only stop running after me, maybe I'd give up?"

She remained silent.

"You've become such a good liar, Bella, but you're still not good enough to fool me."

"What are you talking about?"

"Some tiny part of you still cares, still wonders, still loves... me." Hell it was a long shot, but what did I have to lose? Her lovely husband had already ripped my heart out and stomped on it in front of her, so I may as well let it all out.

"Jacob," she started.

"He's right. I do still love you. Even now. I always will."

"No-"

"Yes," I told her, fighting the emotion. To drive it home I made myself move toward her, stopping only when our bodies touched. Fire and ice.

"Jacob," she warned me.

"You can always leave," I suggested, but she didn't move. "What's it gonna be, Bella?"

"There's something I want to tell you."

Nothing. Not even an echo of the girl I loved remained.

I swallowed and moved away from her. "I'm sorry," I apologized quickly, not knowing what else to say. I could feel it now, the ache in my heart. The loss. The pain and the torment of reality crashing down on me. She wasn't mine, she would never be mine. She wasn't even there.

"It's fine."

"You had something to tell me," I reminded her quickly, choking back on everything that was threatening to pull me under.

"You'll be the first one I'm telling this too," she said, which made me wonder if I really wanted to know, but then she dropped a bombshell on me. "I'm going to show you what I've been doing in my shack. Follow me." Then she walked around me and took off in a sprint. I figured I'd just phase; it would give me a chance to clear my head.

Bella stopped in front of a steel door and I phased back, quickly tugging my clothes back on before she turned to me, holding the door open and gesturing for me to come inside.

"Wow," I said while following her down an empty hallway. "Impressive. You've got the whole creepy thing going here, I'll give you that."

"Don't make me regret showing you this," she said, moving into what appeared to be an office. The shelves that wrapped around the entire room were filled with books. Textbooks. Medical textbooks. Science, and a whole load of other things that I probably couldn't even pronounce correctly. She really was a bookworm.

"A century without sleep must really suck if you're reduced to reading about this," I said and pulled out a book about – cell technology? "I'm not even going to ask," I said and returned the book to its place, following her as she'd opened another door. There were a lot of strange smells here, and they didn't get any better when she opened the last door at the end of the tiny hallway. I had to duck my head to come through it.

"Holy crap, it really stinks in here." I grimaced and she turned to me.

"No pain, no gain," she said and that's when I froze.

The room I'd just stepped into appeared to be some sort of laboratory. There were all kinds of weird machines beeping and humming. Monitors and fridges with glass doors. Then my eyes fell on one of the doors; behind it I saw bags of blood. My stomach turned and I swallowed back against the bile.

"You're really freaking me out now," I told her honestly.

She ignored me and went up to one of the machines, opening it to retrieve a small tube, then offered it to me. When I realized that it was blood I nearly gagged.

"What are you doing?" I hissed. "I'm a werewolf, we don't drink blood. I appreciate you wanting to share your dessert with me though. I'm touched." I made a face.

"I'm not offering you to have a taste. What I am doing though, is offering you an opportunity to take part in my experiment. Well, it is concluded already, but I want to know if you maybe recognize the scent."

I raised an eyebrow. "Are we investigating a murder or something?"

"Very funny. No. Not really." She proceeded to pick up a syringe after she'd pulled on a pair of gloves. I noticed now, also, that she'd pulled her hair back in a tight bun which revealed her pale neck. In this light it seemed even paler, almost sickly pale.

No kidding. She was dead.

After she'd withdrawn some of the blood from the tube she glanced at me.

"I made this before I was interrupted by Edward, and even though all this started with an accidental discovery with my own venom, I have ultimately done this for the sake of someone who I think deserves a second chance at life. Maybe after this you'll all forgive me for having spent the better part of a century as a recluse."

Whatever she was talking about was a mystery to me.

"Sorry, Bells, but I have no idea what you're talking about."

"I know. But you'll understand soon enough." And then she shocked the hell out of me by expelling a small amount of the blood from the syringe into the palm of her hand, and even more so when she held it out to me. "Smell it," she said, her eyes on mine, expectant.

The flicker of emotion in her eyes, that had always before been so empty, drew me closer. I caught the scent of the blood in her palm, and it reached straight into the back of my mind and dragged out a horrifying event from my past that I had long ago forced to the side. A girl laying broken before me, her life seeping out of her with every last drop of her blood. The memories of that day were too painful, too much. I cringed back from Bella, staring at her through my blurred vision.

"What the _hell_ was that?"

"What was what?" Her eyes searched mine.

"I saw..." What was going on? "You – that day when you..." I couldn't finish.

"That was my blood," she explained, studying my face.

"Your blood," I repeated. Why would she have her blood here? Now? Then I connected the dots. She'd made it, today. "How?" Was all I could ask. A better question might have been how her blood was connected to giving someone a second chance at life. "You're gonna have to spell it out for me, Bells, because I'm not that smart."

"You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for, but I'll make it easy for you." She went back to the machine where she'd gotten the tube and she pulled out another. This time she filled a new syringe, but she removed the needle, replacing it with a different one. A longer and thicker one. I swallowed. Needles weren't really my thing, and this one looked vicious.

"Wolframite," she said. "The only metal strong enough to break through my skin." In a terrifying movement she plunged the needle into her hand. "Come here," she ordered in a strained voice. I wasn't sure yet how she thought we would forgive her for locking herself up in here. It seemed it had turned her into a basket case. What kind of vampire stabbed themselves with needles? Let alone actually came up with a formula to create a needle strong enough to do it?

"You're one sick girl, Bella."

"Watch this," she said, ignoring my jab. I watched her hand as she ejected the blood into it. I don't know what I expected to happen, if I even expected anything at all. The last thing I could have imagined, though, was how her skin tone shifted, and then she pulled the syringe back, took my hand and put it on her hand, all within one second. I would've jerked my hand back, but the fact that her hand wasn't hard or cold made me freeze. Then as sudden as it had registered in my brain it changed. I stared at her pale hand when I could make myself remove my own.

"It was soft," I whispered, still not believing what I'd felt. "And sorta warm," I added, my eyes shifting to her face. The faintest smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, and she nodded at me. "How did you do that?"

"It all began with your blood, Jacob," she told me. "Remember the day I nearly bit you? I hurt my hand, and your blood somehow got into my system. It felt warm, and the pigmentation changed. It healed me, if only for a split second, before the venom attacked my blood." Her eyes were still on mine as I took in what she'd just told me. Was she actually sitting here and telling me that _my blood_ had healed her frozen body, and she'd kept it from me all these years? All this time she could've-

"You can reverse this?" I asked, my voice weak, while gesturing to her body. She nodded but quickly she added,

"All Rosalie has ever wanted was a family of her own, and she protected me when no one believed in me. This is my way of saying thank you." The blonde skank who made this whole nightmare possible? Was she serious?

"And what about you?" I whispered.

She looked away.

"I don't know if this would work on Nessie. If it does, and if she and Edward want, then of course I'll do it. But if not, or if this doesn't work on Nessie, then I can't leave her. I can't leave Edward..." I could only stare at her. "Jacob, don't do this to yourself. I never deserved you. I never will. The amount of pain and the wrongs I have caused you. Even if some part of me wanted to give you what you want, I can't. I truly believe that you deserve so much more. Someone who loves you the way you love them, and who hasn't chosen someone else above you. I have made one too many wrongs and they can't be corrected. _I've done you wrong, Jacob_. It will never be erased. This," she gestured to the syringe, then she put her cold hand over my heart, and the gesture caught me off guard, "not even _this_ can make me into something that you deserve." I was shaking my head, not believing she was still such a martyr, after a century of proof telling her that she wouldn't last one more like this. "I don't deserve your love. You must see that." I got up and I grabbed her, I was done with playing nice and she could take a bit of manhandling.

"That is such a load of crap, Bella, and you know it," I snapped, anger surging through me now as I shook her. "You came up with a cure for vampirism, and you're gonna give Rosalie what she's always wanted. Do you want a medal?" She stared at me, shocked at my outburst.

"No," she whispered.

"Why did you bring me here? I just told you I loved you, that I'll always love you, and you've got a whole goddamn century as proof. Then you come here and wave this cure in my face, but tell me you can't do it? I'm calling you up on it. Are you really gonna pull the martyr card on me again?"

Still staring, she shook her head.

"I'm sorry, Jacob-"

"Sorry?" I exploded. "You know you're not cut out for this life! You're all but gone! You're _really_ dying! We've all watched you waste away over the past hundred years and now you can turn it all around, and all you can say is that you're sorry?" I was shaking. "Pull your act on Edward, but I'm not buying it." I let her go before I lost it. I had to get out of here, and I turned, making my way for the exit. I could hear her following, as usual.

"Jacob, please try to understand."

"Save it for someone who cares," I shot back, continuing through the small hallways and into her office.

"What am I supposed to do?"

I stopped and turned to face her, still trembling. "Go read up on history, then come back and tell me what happened to all the martyrs."

"They die. Alone," she replied before I could even continue fleeing.

"Is that what you want?"

"I don't see what other purpose I have here. I can only try to set things right."

"Spoken like a true Jeanne D'Arc," I said bitterly. "Except you're not really dying for a good cause. The world has done without Rosalie's children so far. I'm sure none of them are going to invent a cure for cancer." She actually looked hurt, and as much as it tore at me to do it, I couldn't stop. She'd just shown me a piece of something I couldn't even have imagined dreaming about, but just as quickly she'd pulled the rug from beneath my feet, and now she was laughing in my face, trying to make me believe that Rosalie was worth more than Bella.

"I don't expect you to understand," she said and I laughed.

"Why did you bring me here then? To pour salt into my wounds?"

"No. You're my best friend-"

"Holy shit, are you kidding me?" I was in her face before I could even stop myself. "I'm your best friend? And as your best friend I'm supposed to let you choose death a second time around, knowing what it has done to you? If you want to call me your best friend, then you'll not ask me to stand by and watch you throw away your own second chance at life, Bella. I won't have it."

"I can't, Jacob. I don't think I even know how to live again."

"Excuses," I snapped. "You know what. How about this: I will make you a promise right now. If you do this, if you use this cure on yourself, I promise that I'll stay the hell away from you, or be your friend. Whatever you want. I won't pressure you ever again with my feelings. Spend the next 70 to 80 years with Edward for all I care, just as long as you pick life. You're not gonna make even half of that if you stay in this state, and you know it!" If me pressuring her was what she was scared of, then I'd gladly stay away if it would save her.

"Jake, I don't expect you to-"

"To what?"

"I don't want you to stay away. But I can't go back."

I stared at her, at a loss for words.

"Please," I whispered finally. "I'll do anything. Just, please, don't deny yourself this. I'm sure Edward will be there for you, and Nessie, too. C'mon, Bells."

For several minutes she just stood there, staring at me. I was beginning to wonder if she had finally disappeared completely when, suddenly, she spoke.

"Will you be there?"

Hope made my heart leap. "Yes, honey. Don't even ask. Of course I will, Bella." How was it possible for her to think she didn't deserve anything, not even life if she'd figured out a way to get it back?

"You are too good to me."

I shook my head. "Horseshit."

"You always were. I can hardly remember my human life," she said absentmindedly.

"Don't think about that now. Who knows, maybe you'll get it back."

Just the fact that she was considering using the cure, the thought of her becoming human again, was too incredible to imagine. For a century I had gotten used to this shadow of all that she used to be, and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she might be standing in front of me, pink cheeks and all – a week from now? A month? It didn't matter. The faintest chance she would get to live, feel and laugh again was worth absolutely everything.

"Knock, knock." A distantly familiar voice pulled me back to the moment.

I looked past Bella, who turned. "I must be dreaming."

**o~*iii*~o**


	7. Only One

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_The writing's on the wall, those who came before, left pictures frozen still, in time. You say you want it all, but whose side you fighting for? / Alex Band_

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**Only One**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**October 2022 – Several decades ago.**_

_Groan._

Who had the balls to wake me on my day off? I strained my eyes against the bright light coming in through my tattered curtains, my grainy eyes falling to the phone on my nightstand. It vibrated across the surface, the noise grating on my brain.

"Go away," I muttered and flopped onto my stomach, wrapping the pillow around my head. Sunday was my only day off, and I'd be damned if I was going to take any calls. It went silent and I relaxed, stuffing the pillow under my head, cuddling into it. _Heaven._

_Beep-beep._

"Not gonna look at you," I slurred, already falling back asleep. Why had I bought a cell phone? Caused more hassle than they were worth. Now where was I? Who had I been dreaming about? Oh yeah, the cute little brunette from across the street at work. I could see her now in that cute apron, her smooth legs – I grabbed my pillow and swiped the ringing phone right off my nightstand.

"Get a clue!" It bounced off the floor but the piece of crap didn't break. I groaned again and swung my legs over the edge, pulling my hand through my hair. "Okay, okay!" I snatched it off the floor just as it stopped ringing. I stared at it begrudgingly. "Oh, you're really funny, aren't you?" If this was Sam calling me in for pack business then I'd tell him, once and for all, where to stick it. But when I looked at the missed call I didn't recognize the number. I scratched my head, wondering who it could be while dialing voice-mail.

"_You have 1 new message,_" I mimicked the voice while waiting, kicking a pair of dirty socks under the bed. What you don't know can't hurt you. Then my whole body went rigid as a very distinct, crystal-clear voice spoke to me.

"_Hi, Embry. It's Bella... I want to talk to you about something, can you call me back when you get this?_"

I dropped my phone; it didn't break this time either. _Bella?_ Out of all peop – no, not people, _vampire_. What did she want with me? Had something happened? Did someone die? Was the world coming to an end? Only I could sleep through that. Think, Emb, think!

"Shit, shit, shit." I shot out of bed and started pulling on the first pair of jeans I could find, snatching a shirt up, sniffing it suspiciously then shrugging. "You'll do." Since I couldn't find any clean socks I went down on my knees and searched through the stash beneath my bed. "I really need to do some washing."

I came out into the kitchen and wrinkled my nose at the mess in the sink. Mess was putting it mildly, perhaps mayhem was more appropriate? I should just sell the damn house and move into a one room flat. It wasn't like mom left any wishes when she carked it. The house was mine to do with as I pleased, and, really, what I wanted most was to burn it to the ground.

_Again_ the phone rang and I rushed back into my bedroom to snatch it off the floor.

"Yeah?" I breathed.

"Hi, it's Bella... did you get my message?"

Do I hang up or keep talking? That would be rude, even to a vampire, I mean, she was Bella, wasn't she?

"Never mind. I'm sorry-"

"No. I mean, yeah! I got your message." I must sound like a complete idiot. I was an idiot.

"I'm sorry I disturbed you, I've changed my mind-"

"Wait!" I was intrigued. World War III wasn't about to start, and no one had died, so whatever reason she had to call _me_ was getting me more and more curious for each second ticking by. Vampire or not. "What did you want?"

"Can we meet somewhere? Have you eaten yet? I'll buy you lunch." She was speaking so fast I could barely catch what she was saying.

"Slow down," I asked, snorting. "I haven't eaten," I said and eyed the sink again, thinking that this could be negotiable on the simple basis of me not having to battle with dishes. "Sure, you can buy me lunch. Where do I meet you?"

"I'll pick you up," she said then hung up. Huh? Did she even know where I lived? Guess nothing stopped her from coming here, did it? Jake had made sure of that, hadn't he. Crazy guy. 16 years had passed yet it was still pure insanity. Even with the showdown against their deranged royalty. It could have been freaking epic and in the end they just ran off. Cowards. Who would have thought the day would come when we would side with vampires, to save vampires. Guess there was only one answer. Nessie. It still blew my mind that Jake had imprinted on her. Like the rings traveling across the water when you drop a stone into it, the shock was still rippling through the reservation. None of us had made any sense of it yet. Not that Jake had ever made any sense.

Falling in love with Bella Swan had been his downfall, the Achilles's heel of us all. Now we were at the mercy of them. The Cullens.

As much as they had proven that they weren't your usual bloodsucking leeches, they were still vampires, and we were still werwolves, natures own protection against them. Personally, I thought they were the ones responsible for this whole mess. I mean, you've gotta accept what you are. Just like I had to accept morphing into a huge wolf. We all had our place on this earth. Like an eagle diving into the water to grab his prey; since when did the fish actually turn around and start dry-humping the eagle's claws? Not that I'm saying Bella was – ew!

But seriously. Those vamps started fighting against what they were, came here and made Bella fight against who she was, which in turn made Jake, the poor sap, fight right along. He even left the pack for her, for them. And as the story goes, he kept her alive and shattered the treaty, allowing them to turn her. No wonder he imprinted on the damn spawn! It was a disaster waiting to happen. I shouldn't call her a was nice. And she was Jake's imprint. We had no choice but to respect it. Definitely shouldn't be calling her names since mommy was coming to pick me up. Crap.

When I heard a car pull up I knew who it was. My eyes nearly bugged out of my head when I laid eyes on the Ferrari.

"_Whoa!_"

"Just get in, Embry," she called out in her strange voice. I shuddered when I slid onto the seat next to her.

_Phew_. Something reeks. "Hi, Bella." That's the stuff. Be nice, be polite and she won't claw your nasty thoughts out of your brain and bash you to death with them. Besides, there's free food to be had. Can't die on an empty stomach, at least. "Where are we going?"

"Away from here," she said and started reversing. The way she was grinding the gears when we hit the highway made my ears hurt and my heart ache. What the _hell_ was she doing driving this sweet little thing if she couldn't even work the gears!

"New car?" I asked, wanting to break the uncomfortable silence.

"Not really, I just don't drive it often."

"No shit," I said and laughed, but shrunk back in my seat when she shot me a less than sweet stare. "You're doing great. Honestly." I shifted away from her a little, but there wasn't much space for me to move.

Bella sighed. "Embry, stop it. You're acting like I'm gonna pounce on you and rip your head off. Relax."

I shrugged. "You're a vampire. It happens."

She rolled her eyes but kept her mouth closed.

"You could always start talking," I suggested, eying her. At first I thought she wasn't even listening, because she was so still, apart from the fact that she was steering the car.

"First I need you to promise me that you won't tell anyone."

I groaned. "Bella, you know all about the pack and our minds, I can't promise you that. I really suck at keeping things to myself." When I turned to look at her again she was still staring at the road ahead, but her face wasn't as blank, it had taken on an extremely serious nature.

"So don't phase for a while." Did we just enter the twilight-zone here or did she just ask me _not_ to phase? It didn't even occur to me to get angry or to tell her to pull the car over to let me out, I was _that_ shocked. But I did retaliate.

"So, let's just pretend for a minute or two that I didn't hear what you just said, and I'll ask _you_ something, okay?" I turned slightly in my seat so that I was angled in her direction.

"Okay," she said evenly.

"Do I look like Jake to you?" I actually grabbed the dashboard when the car swerved dangerously close to the curb and Bella hissed at me. "What the hell was that?" I exclaimed.

"I know very well who you are, Embry. And it's not like I'm expecting you to agree to this. Even if you agreed to keep it secret, you might very well want to run the moment I ask the actual favor. But it just so happens that you're the only one who doesn't have any family or responsibilities, and you _used to be_ Jake's best friend, so that made me feel I could trust you." Ouch. True or not, she didn't have to be so vicious about it.

"I just find it funny that you show up here and ask me not to phase, and I don't even know what the secret is. You gotta understand that it's _not in my nature_ to trust a vampire. No offense, Bella. But that's just how it goes. Maybe we have to accept everything with Jake and your daughter, but that doesn't mean that you can come here and ask us whatever you want and think that we'll just jump if you say so." If she'd been stiff before, the rigid posture she took on should've snapped her spine, and she was completely silent for the next 20 minutes, while I tried figuring out how not to feel guilty. Her expression made me feel like a total jerk. Was this that thing she had done with Jake? Why he had given up everything for her? If this is what she managed to do as a vampire I felt dumb for ever envying Jake getting to hang out with her all those years ago when the Cullen guy took off. He'd been whipped, and he hadn't even been able to call her his girlfriend. I'd give her this: she was good at making us into suckers.

After 20 minutes I sighed. "I'm sorry for being rude-"

"Don't be," she said quietly. "I agree with you."

"I shouldn't have said – what?"

"I said: _I agree._"

"With what?"

"You shouldn't have to answer to vampires. In fact, La Push _should_ be off limits to us. We shouldn't even be here. Jake shouldn't have imprinted on my daughter, but no matter how much I wish he hadn't, I can't change it. What's done is done." Was this a trick? My eyes narrowed as I studied her profile, and she continued, "What if I make you a deal? Keep my secret, do me this favor, and I'll make sure we never return to this area. And I mean _never_. That should secure the Quileutes a peaceful future." My mouth popped open and I stared at her. She could do that? What about Jake? Did that mean that he'd never come back, either? Of course, he'd be with Nessie, and judging by how things were going with him building a relationship with her, he was still in denial. So we wouldn't be seeing their hybrid kids running around his legs anytime soon. Was that even possible? I shuddered. That's just so wrong.

"What makes you so sure you'll be able to make them all agree to this?"

"That's my problem. All you need to do is promise."

I could get out of phasing, I mean, if they all disappeared it would be even easier. No Cullens would be coming on to the res frequently, no others would come here either; there'd be nothing making them curious. Sooner or later, the gene would settle down and we wouldn't have to phase anymore, none of us would. Life could go back to normal. Except that it wouldn't. What had been set in motion would never be forgotten; this would be passed down from generation to generation. Our people would never forget the Cullens, or Nessie, or Jacob. The little paleface who turned our world upside down.

"Deal."

Bella let out a small gasp. "Wow," she whispered then she started laughing. What now?

"What's so funny?"

"I actually didn't think you'd agree. This is... great," she marveled, like she was seeing something I wasn't. Now I wanted to know the favor, and judging by her suddenly hyper-rigid stance, I could tell that whatever she was about to ask of me was going to be really weird.

"So, um, what's the favor?"

"I'm going to need some of your blood, then I'm going to need you to bite me."

Everything just stopped. My brain stopped, my heart – everything. I must've scared her, because suddenly she slammed on the breaks and the car came to a screeching halt, making me slam back into my seat, which finally brought me out of it.

"_WHAT!_"

"_Holy crow_, Embry, you scared me!"

"I scared _you! _You just asked me for my blood! Then you want me to _bite you!_" Now my head was spinning instead and I was shaking. Heat shot up my spine and I knew I had to get out of the car or she'd end up with fur balls all over her seat. I threw the door open and launched myself at the trees, not even remembering to pull my clothes off; at least I managed to kick my shoes at the last second. I'd just bought those suckers.

She was even crazier than I'd thought. I should have known the moment she called me. Why would Bella ever call me? Yeah, her last resort. I didn't even wanna know what it was for.

"Embry!" Shit! She was following me now. "Stop! Let me explain!" Explain? Was there any explanation under the sun that would justify her insane request? Lunatic! What did Jake ever see in her? Or had her mind snapped from having finally spent a few years living with vampires, being one of them? This was above and beyond. "You promised!" She stopped now and that's when I realized what I'd just done.

_Hello?_ Silence. This is a sign. Phase back you idiot before you ruin it. And I did. Soon I was standing there, showing her my naked ass.

"Close your eyes," I told her gruffly.

"Gladly," she replied, but I could hear her relief. Guess this told her I was back in business with her. What else could I do? They'd all go bananas if they found out about this, even without knowing what her ludicrous request was about. It would get her into as much trouble as it would me for agreeing to go driving with her to begin with. Jake would probably flog me for it. I turned carefully, walking passed her.

"You don't happen to have a spare pair of jeans or anything?"

She huffed. "No. But I've got a blanket and I can buy you a pair of pants."

Half an hour later, while I sat in the car, wrapped up in a blanket, she went into a shop in Port Angeles. Not too many minutes passed before she returned, throwing me a bag with pants, a few shirts and a shitload of socks. I raised an eyebrow.

"You don't wash your clothes often, do you?" she asked, smirking.

I shrugged. "I live alone, and I don't have a girlfriend. What's the use?"

"How old are you, Embry?"

"Forever young," I replied casually, flashing her a wide grin but she just scoffed. "Mind closing your eyes again so I can get dressed?" She did as I asked and even if it took some effort in the crammed space, I finally could roll up the blanket and stuff it down next to my feet. "So, I think I am entitled to know what you're gonna do with my blood, not to mention I need a damn good reason to bite you. And nothing kinky. If you want that, then you best go ask Jake. I'm sure he'd be happy to help you out." I regretted the joke instantly because she looked like I'd just kicked her puppy. I guess in a way I literally had. "Sorry," I mumbled.

"It's fine. And the reason I need your blood is because I think there's something in it that heals," she started and my eyes narrowed.

"Well, it does. Kinda needed for the frequency our bones and bodies rearrange every time we phase." This gave her a pause and she gave me a curious look.

"How do you know that?"

It just made sense? Better question, how did she know anything at all about our blood. Did I even want to know? I shrugged.

"I guess I just feel it," I told her honestly. "Just like I feel life around me, just like I feel that where you're sitting right now there's barely nothing, which is kinda weird. You're different than the others." She stiffened. Crap. I'd just hurt her feelings again, hadn't I? "I'm an idiot," I said, sighing.

"Different?"

I leaned forward, resting an elbow on the dashboard and turned to her. "Okay, I think I'm probably different, too, but I'll try to explain it. If you won't freak out." She only nodded but I took it as a hint to carry on. "Did you ever believe in anything, like, some higher power?" She shook her head. Huh. No wonder she didn't have a problem hanging out with vampires.

"I know there's things that can't be explained, but if you're asking me if I believed in God – not really. I don't know, it never came up. Didn't really think much about it." Well, this was gonna be difficult, but I'd try.

"All around you there's life," I started, keeping my eye on her in case she was going to start laughing at me – I didn't talk about this with anyone – or start twitching. Who knows what vampires did when you started telling them about the birds and the bees. Okay, so this wasn't about the birds and the bees; well, not exactly. She just kept looking at me so I continued. "Even in plants, trees; they all contain life. Nature is shaped to be in tune with all life. Anything that can change has a life force, anything that has some sort of capability to evolve, move forward." She was staring at me now, _really_ staring and I shifted uncomfortably under her odd scrutiny. Her eyes were different than theirs, too. The worst had been those red-eyed bloodsuckers' eyes, they were completely empty. There was absolutely nothing there.

"Who would've known you could be so deep," she said when I didn't continue talking. My cheeks felt a bit hot and I shrugged.

"Yeah, Embry Call: the dork. That's me," I said in a nonchalant tone.

"That's not what I meant... sorry, go on."

I eyed her again, making sure she wasn't gonna make fun of me again. "Then there are certain energies, and it can be contained in matter. Now we're going into physics and stuff, but you see, everything is linked. Like I said, everything on earth is in tune, it is what it is because without one the other doesn't work. Our blood is what it is, because without it we wouldn't be able to be what we are. And because of your kind we are here, the counterpart, to keep the balance, because the earth needs humans to survive, as much as we tear it down." My eyes had dropped to where I fidgeted with a loose thread on my jeans and I didn't dare to look at her. I'd basically just said that her kind was scum. It was true, but I really did believe that she wasn't all that bad. She hadn't tried to kill anyone yet, which counted for a lot.

"So, why is it that I'm different then? This... life force that you're talking about, how come I don't have it? God, to be honest with you Embry, I do feel different, like I'm slipping, it's confusing, like I'm losing _me_." I lifted my eyes, regarding her carefully. She looked upset.

"I don't know if I'm right, I just feel... and I try to rationalize, but I'm not that bright, so I can only tell you what I believe." Her hands flashed to mine and I jumped. The wolf growled deep in my chest and the hairs on my neck stood up.

"Just tell me." Her eyes implored me, like she'd be hanging on my every word. If I didn't know better I'd say she looked terrified. Yeah right, a vampire terrified? And pigs fly. But she didn't withdraw her hands, even if I was trembling now.

"You're a lost soul," I told her carefully.

She blinked. "A-a... what?" she actually stuttered, and trembled. Could a vampire tremble? She was.

I withdrew my hands, but before she could look hurt I covered hers with mine. "You're not all there, Bella. Unlike your family. It's strange at all that you have souls; you shouldn't. You're dead, frozen, you can't hold your own life force, you survive by draining it from things that have it." Bella's eyes were wide and her face was crumpling into a strange grimace, then she started blinking. What was she doing? "Bella? What did I say?"

"He was right," she choked out, which made no more sense than her weird behavior. Was she having a panic attack? I didn't know vampires could have those. There was a lot I didn't know about vampires – obviously.

"Who was right, and about what? What's wrong?" She pulled her hands away from mine and folded her arms over the steering wheel, burying her face while her whole body started shaking. It cut at me, telling me she was actually crying. Well, shit. That's all I needed; a crying vampire.

"E-e-edward... was... r-right!" she wailed. "I-I pushed him... I should have... he tried to... and I j-just didn't l-l-listen!" She was definitely going into hysterics. What do you do when something you're made to kill needs you to comfort it? This was Bella, sure, but she was a vampire. What was I supposed to do?

"Bella, please," I begged, then groaned. "Oh stuff it." I grabbed her and pulled her into my arms, causing us both to flinch, but she let me, actually she kinda shocked me by burying her face in my shirt. This was so wrong, she was so small, like a child almost. Why was this even allowed? This Edward dude, even if he looked to have been pretty young himself when he'd been changed, still came across as rather mature, but Bella on the other hand – I just shook my head. Stuck for eternity in the body of a young woman – barely a young woman. Judging from her lack of emotional control, she was lost. Yeah, a lost soul. They should all be executed for allowing this.

"Poor Jake... poor Nessie... this is all my f-f-fault."

We sat there in the parking lot for at least 10 minutes before she'd finally settled down and I dared to even move my arms. When I let her go and she lifted her face to look at me, smooth and no trace of her bawling-fest left in her expression, I grinned.

"Glad Jake's imprinted, he would've killed me for hugging you back in the days, and here you are, on my lap." I kept it light and joking, trying to steer things into a different direction, not wanting to risk another sobbing episode. Apparently I couldn't do anything right today, though.

"Since we have a pact now, there's something else I want to tell you." Oh boy. At this rate, I'd have to run away and never come back, the amount of crap she was unloading on me would be too much.

"Go for it, although I don't understand why you didn't go to Jake for this, he used to be _your_ best friend." I gave her a pointed look.

"I can't confess things about Jake, to Jake," she said quietly.

"Oh no you don't."

"What?"

"If you're gonna tell me something about Jake then that's where it stops, Bella. I can't—"

"Please," she begged. "It's not what you think. I'm not ratting on him or saying anything bad, there isn't one bad bone in him, why would I badmouth him to you?"

I shrugged, still not sure. "You don't look too happy, that's all."

"I'm not happy, but that's my own fault," she paused, looking around, realizing that she was _still_ sitting on my lap. I chuckled.

"Your vamp senses can't be too good if you forgot where you were," I said, winking.

"Happens a lot these days. I told you: I feel lost."

"Because you _are_, even before you became this," I said and poked her arm, grimacing at the feel of it.

"Even before," she echoed my words. "So, because I was lost then, I'm lost now?"

"Sure. Whatever you do in life affects not only people around you, but you, too, like a memory. Just like your brain stores memories, your spirit and soul store memories; your essence, emotions, everything you are. It's complicated, and I'm not planning on actually trying to prove it so you'll just have to go with my simplified theories." I smiled broadly.

"I think I understand... maybe," she said, seemingly not convinced.

I sighed. "Okay, let me make it simple for you. The soul is what makes the dog wag its tail."

"Like blinking to keep the eye wet?"

"Bingo."

"But I do feel like me... sometimes. We're not empty shells," she defended.

"That's the human spirit. Your conscience, what makes you know that you are you. The spirit communicates who you are, but you _are_ a soul, and while the spirit can exist without either, the soul cannot survive on its own. It's a part of every living organism. Your spirit and your soul work in harmony, without a soul you'd technically be a lifeless lump, but since you were a human, you have a spirit. It just can't function very well without growth; basically it's not only your body that's frozen, your spirit is, too."

"Although mine is fading," she whispered. "Isn't it?"

I sighed. "Bella," I said, growing serious. "These are my beliefs, it's what I feel, and even if I know I feel things that others don't, it doesn't mean that you should take my word for it. Besides, you're a vampire, all this is kinda pointless. Whatever is happening to you can't be reversed. You're not alive." She flinched but she didn't allow it to discourage her.

"What happens when my spirit..." She didn't finish, but I understood why. She answered her own question, if she'd really listened to what I'd told her of my own beliefs, which I think she had. Maybe a bit too much. There was a reason why I kept all this to myself, and not only because I knew that it wasn't the best trick in the book to reel chicks in with, but it was scary sometimes to feel other people's energies. Even worse was feeling the near empty void of Bella. Bottom line: I didn't want anyone to know. It was the one thing I would always be able to keep from the pack, and I don't know why I'd told Bella about it. Maybe because she'd confided in me about something crazy of her own. She was a strange ally.

"What did you want to confess?" I asked. As much as I was okay with it, I wondered why she didn't attempt to remove herself from my lap. She must have noticed me looking at her strangely because she suddenly crawled off me.

"Sorry," she said quickly.

I laughed. "It didn't bother me, Bella."

"I used to be close with Jake like that, I miss it, I miss my best friend, I miss..."

"Warmth?" That would make sense.

"I feel strangely cold sometimes," she mumbled quietly. "Jake made me warm." Something inside me was hurting for her, like I had a feeling where she was going with this. "He made me smile and laugh when I was so sure I couldn't anymore."

"You know, if I can give a piece of advice: don't do this to yourself. You've made a choice that, unfortunately, and I hate to say it but, it's irreversible."

"I know. I made my choice, and as you said, it's irreversible... for now." Now it was my turn to freak out. What was that supposed to mean? "Your blood," she said simply. I blinked, not understanding. "Let's go someplace more private." She just ignored my horrified expression and drove us out of there. Guess my food was going to have to wait. Maybe a good thing, because my stomach felt suddenly uneasy.

We stopped a fair bit outside of Port Angeles. She got out of the car and stepped into the forest while I followed, half wondering if I'd regret what I'd gotten myself into.

"Your teeth are the only thing that can break my skin, so, I need you to bite my wrist or something, to crack it open, but first I'm going to need your blood." Again I started trembling. What was she up to?

"I can't believe I'm agreeing to this. You are – there are no words for what you are."

"I think you said it perfectly; I'm a lost soul."

I guffawed. "Guess that explains a lot, then."

"Blood."

I shook my head then looked around for a stick. "You're not gonna go all '_me needs brains_' on me, right?"

"Embry," she said impatiently.

"Okay, okay." I went over to her. Didn't take much to make a good enough scratch and she held out her palm. This felt wrong on so many levels that I wondered if it would mess up _my_ soul.

"Now, can you do this quickly so the others don't see?"

"Can't do that, but I can sing in my head, so at least they won't see anything before this. I can easily explain why I bit you," I said and winked.

"Whatever you need to do," she said and closed her eyes, holding out her wrist.

"Here goes nothing," I said and stripped, phasing as fast as I could.

_Row, row, row your boat..._

_Hey, Embry, thought this was your day off? _Sam was being suspicious as usual. Shit.

_Gently down the stream..._

_What are you doing! What the hell!_ Quil growled in my head.

_Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily..._

_Embry! _Sam growled.

_Life is but a dream!_

I was actually sweating when I phased back. Damn that was tough. "This had better be worth it. I'll have hell to pay when I get back to La Push," I grumbled and turned to Bella who stood, staring in disbelief at her wrist.

"It's true. I saw it correctly. Your blood heals me. Do you know what this means?" She turned to me now and I glanced at her pale, flawless wrist, wondering what she was on about.

"What?" I asked, not even knowing what she was talking about in the first place.

"I could reverse it. I could be human, we all could..." she trailed off, then her face broke into such an exultant smile that it made me smile too, even if I didn't know what the great news were. "_Rosalie could have a baby_."

Say what? "What are you talking about?"

"Your blood can make Rosalie and Emmett human, she can have babies with him and grow old!" Rosalie? What was I missing. I thought we were talking about Bella. But wait – human?

It just clicked then, and I stared at her. "Just – hang on a sec," I said, holding my hand up. "You want to drain me of my blood so Rosalie can have babies?"

Instantly her face fell and then she smacked her forehead. "No. Of course not. Damn, damn!"

"Calm down," I said and buttoned up my pants, walking closer. "You know, you're all gonna live a pretty long time, so you could always find out how to clone my blood. I can give you some samples, but I'm telling you right now; there is no way I am making myself sick for that blonde. No matter what gratitude you feel toward her. I know what she did for you, and I get you, totally, but no. No way. For you, maybe, but not for her."

"That's not the only thing I need. I doubt she'd allow anyone to bite her. I need something strong enough to break through our skin. It's gonna have to be injected straight into the heart, if the heart can start beating then it can force it through the system. Hopefully, quicker than the venom kills it – wait, what did you just say?"

I blinked. "What?"

"You'd do it for me?" She looked aghast.

I shrugged. "I thought this was about saving _you..._ all the talk about your spirit and your soul. Missing Jake, you know..." I gauged her reaction.

"Jake has Nessie," she said then turned back toward the car. Why did she sound like that? As if she was almost – bitter, hurt? I caught up with her and grabbed her arm, she refused to look at me when I turned her.

"You really did love him, too," I said in awe. We'd all heard it and witnessed it in Jake's mind all those years ago, but to see it now in her reluctance to look at me made it hit home. "You still do, don't you? I mean, not just like your friend-"

"It doesn't change anything," she said stubbornly and snatched her arm away from me.

"I think it does. You only have one spirit and one soul, Bella, and I think I know why you're having such a hard time coping." She was instantly in my face.

"Whatever you have to say, keep it to yourself," she hissed, causing me to step back, looking her up and down, my mind working overtime.

"You know what? Once you break through the dawn of eternity, you'll see the full extent of how badly your supposed true love eclipsed your soul. I'm gonna stick around 'til then. You've just earned yourself an ally in your twisted little drama. I'm not goin' anywhere until you see reason. Nobody is gonna miss me in La Push. I just hope you don't mess Jake up too badly through this, or he might not be around the day you're ready to see the truth. But damn, with the shit he's gone through for you, it's something he deserves to witness, and I'm gonna be there when it happens. I'll even help you find something strong enough to crack through your skin, and I think I know where to start." Blind as she was, she couldn't resist my last offer and she held out her hand, giving me a flat stare.

"It's a deal, then," she said grimly.

I took her hand and shook it. "So it is."

**o~*iii*~o**


	8. When I Look At You

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_When I look at you, I see forgiveness. I see the truth. You love me for who I am, like the stars hold the moon, right there where they belong, and I know I'm not alone. / Miley Cyrus_

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**When I Look At You**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

The events of that day, a lifetime ago, even light-years away it seemed now, were today of all days very stark in my mind. Not that a day had come and gone without it placing its frosted-like divider in front of my eyes, making the world skew, separating me from being able to take part in anything fully. I was stuck behind it, and while I could see everything slipping away, I was here, closed off inside myself. But if there were times where the haze would lift, when I might be able to appreciate what I had, it was when _he_ had been close. My very best friend, the one I had forsaken, yet who still, in spite of all that I was, and the pain I caused him, loved me. So much more than he should, more than I deserved.

I'd hurt him, angered him, frustrated him to no end. He loved me, just me, who I was. Who I had been, I reminded myself. I was not her anymore. What was to say I'd be able to pick up where I left off? Were there really any guarantees that it would even work for me? As Embry had so many times told me, and I knew it myself: my spirit was fading, it was all but gone. That I was still here was all but a mystery, except perhaps it wasn't. Jacob was here. All I needed to do was to look at him and I could remember. When everything around me seemed brittle, ready to crumble, he kept me in one piece. Even now he held me together, and he didn't even realize it; I hadn't realized it. I couldn't tell him that I really _did_ need him. Were he to disappear, I would, too.

To Jacob it was all so simple, no complications. Perhaps that was the key. The answer. I should stop thinking, and feel. But I couldn't anymore. Not the things I used to, and not to the same extent. Not with the same all-consuming power. At least not those things that used to bring me warmth, joy, hope, security. While in the shadow, all I'd need was to meet Jacob's gaze, and in his eyes I saw the things I couldn't accept. Truth. Forgiveness for what I was and who I'd let myself become. He didn't care.

Even now.

Why couldn't I give this up, then? Return to life, to warmth, to change, and to time meaning something, other than the world spinning on its axis. Day slipping into night, then back again. An endless routine.

Nessie.

Edward.

I would have to tell them. I needed to tell them. As soon as I got out of here, I would tell them about this second chance at life. Maybe everything would make sense once I left this hollow existence? Jacob was right. Edward would be there for me. Jacob would be there for me, too. As he used to be? Before everything fell apart and I lost myself? But wait. A hazy memory came to me, of a day where I had rested next to a young man, broken because he was who he was. I had told him I loved him. He had told me how much he wished it was enough. Where had we left off? Would it all return? Being torn between him and Edward the way I had been until I came into this existence?

"I must be dreaming," Jacob said, sounding dazed.

The whirlwind of thoughts that had torn through me in a matter of seconds came to a standstill. I turned and came face to face with Embry's triumphant smile.

"Embry?"

His smile didn't falter and I glanced at Jacob who was frozen, staring at Embry. Jacob's eyes were going to pop out of his head soon.

"_Embry?_"

"Yup. I'd say 'long time no see', but I've seen you from a distance, so-"

"_How?_"

Embry rolled his eyes and laughed. "Hanging out with vampires hasn't done you much good," he turned to me. "He's asking me 'how'... has he forgotten he's a wolf?"

"Maybe a little," I said as a poor attempt at joking, which earned a growl from Jacob.

"Very funny. But seriously – one day you just took off, and we never heard from you again. We all figured you'd given up the wolf-"

"Ha!" Embry cut him off with a guffaw. "Never. I was born to be wild, baby."

Jacob's stance relaxed slightly but he folded his arms over his chest, his eyes narrowing. "Where _have_ you been, then?"

"Around," he answered casually, "Here," he gestured around my office. "But mostly in my own little cabin."

"We've lived here for a while, and we've never come across your scent." Jacob wasn't so easily convinced. I knew, though, that he was pleasantly surprised to see his old friend.

"Because I've avoided civilization as well as your trails." Embry wore an easy smile. "How's Leah? Still bitter?"

Jacob stiffened. "Actually, no." Then his lips stretched into a grin. "Still a bitch though."

Embry's head bobbed. "I knew it. Too bad I didn't have anyone to place a bet with. Bella here isn't into that, although she's been a cool partner in crime. Dense, but cool." Jacob looked at me, his face unreadable. Something was bugging him, and I had a feeling I knew what was coming.

"Just as a question," he started, his voice too controlled. "Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the cure, but I'm just curious, Bella," he paused, holding his hand up because Embry was going to interrupt. He knew where this was going, too. "Why didn't you come to me?"

Embry and I exchanged a glance, and he tried to reassure me with his eyes.

"I didn't want anyone to know. Edward would've read your mind, Jacob."

"Bullshit," he shot back. Although he didn't sound angry, his voice was cold enough to be a bit unsettling.

"Now, Jake," Embry started, but Jacob shook his head.

"You didn't want me to know my blood could cure you," he continued. "Deep down you knew, even then, that I would've-"

"I wouldn't have let you," I told him quickly, while trying to lessen the blow. I know what he was thinking. He would've hounded me until I let him give me his blood so he could save me. He had seen early on that I was slipping. Some part of me, who was still there, trying to protect him, had known his way of thinking. So I had done what I had to do to keep it from him. "Jacob, it doesn't matter anymore. I will do it. I'll use the cure. I give you my word." Embry knew I would cave in. He'd always known.

"Knew you'd come around," Embry said with a wink, just as a pair of blazing arms crushed me. It wasn't Embry, because he was still standing there, beaming. Another thing that gave it away was the fact that Embry wouldn't hug me this way: Jacob had buried his face in my hard neck. I was so taken aback by his lack of restraint, and the pure joy I felt radiating from him when he picked me up and spun me, that a smile broke out on my face. I didn't even have to try.

When he started raining kisses on my cheek, Embry had had enough.

"Okay, that's just wrong, man. Stop it."

"Go away, then," Jacob suggested, but pulled away as he'd noticed I was trying to get away from him.

Finally I was allowed a view to his face. It wasn't so much the half-smile that played on his lips, or how it reached his eyes, but instead it was _in_ his eyes that I saw the full extent of how much this really meant to him.

"Oh crap," Embry muttered suddenly and Jacob stiffened.

"What?" I asked. Then I _heard_. Oh. I had made the decision. Alice had seen something. Someone was here.

"Edward," all three of us said simultaneously, my own voice barely a whisper. I hadn't thought of what to say yet. Darn it. Jacob being here had made me slip, distracted my usual composure. It didn't matter anymore though. I had made the decision. "I'll go. Don't make a mess," I said and swept out of my office.

I was feeling slightly out of character, which I was sure was a mix between decades of hard work coming to fruition, and getting to share it with my best friend. It made me feel... something.

I pushed the door open.

"Bella," he breathed, then I was in his arms.

"Edward?"

His lips found mine, and due to the unusual desperation in him, I was pulled into the kiss before I could protest or escape.

"Love... what's going on?" he asked quietly against my lips. "Why-" he stopped himself, letting out a groan.

"Excuse me." Jacob said flatly. "I'd like to get past, if you don't mind." Edward growled and shifted us to the side. Just as soon as he had, Jacob slipped past us.

"Jacob, wait," I called.

"Stop it, Bella," he snapped.

"Mind how you talk to my wife, mongrel." Edward had me tucked into his side now, and I tried to get loose.

"Don't worry, I won't be doing much talking to her," he informed him in a venomous tone.

"Jacob," I whispered.

"Don't." His dark eyes bore into me. "Bella, I made you a promise and I'll keep it. But don't ask me to stick around right now. I'm still pissed off with your husband."

"You were leaving," Edward reminded Jacob, who shot him a disgusted stare in return.

"Yeah. Tell Embry to come see me when you let him off his leash." He turned and broke into a jog.

Edward raised an eyebrow, giving me a puzzled look. I watched Jacob as he disappeared through the trees.

"Embry is here?"

"Yes, he's been here all this time," I revealed quietly, as I finally managed to slip out of Edward's embrace. If I could help it, I would try not to flaunt his and my relationship in Jacob's face from now on. It was the least I could do.

"Why?"

Wasn't he here because of Alice? Hadn't he seen in her mind – _oh_. Of course. Embry's presence made her visions blurred and unreliable. They would have seen my future suddenly hazy and uncertain.

Edward continued to look at me expectantly, waiting for an explanation. The was no time to think up how to say it, besides, I'd had several decades to prepare what to tell him – what to tell all of them.

"He has been supplying me with blood samples for my tests."

Edward stiffened. "Blood samples? What tests? You'll have to explain this to me, love."

And I did. I started at the very beginning, telling him about my discovery, keeping out the part where I'd nearly taken a bite out of Jacob. Then my day with Embry. Again, leaving out the whole discussion about spirits and souls, which I figured could be reserved for a different day. Perhaps while we were sitting out in the sun getting our first tan. I stopped, gazing at him while my fingers trailed his face.

"I will get to see your eyes." He only chuckled, but he leaned into my touch. I continued explaining everything to Edward, giving him every possible detail I could think of that he'd be interested in knowing. By the time I fell silent he stood there, seeming completely taken, his face reverent.

"Amazing." He placed a lock that had fallen out of my bun behind my ear.

"Don't say anything yet. We still don't know if it will actually work," I told him.

Edward sighed but nodded. "All right. But let's go see Alice. She's beside herself with worry."

I nodded. "Let's go, then."

He paused, just looking at me. "I always knew you were special, love, and while you had me scared for such a long time, I understand now. You are incredible."

I shook my head. "If humans didn't need sleep, I'm sure there would be a cure for many diseases now."

"You never could take a compliment, could you, love?" He held out his hand. "Shall we?"

"Oh – give me just a moment." He nodded and I returned to my office.

After having been given the third degree by Embry, but eventually managing to come to an agreement with him that he should begin to get a supply set up, I left with Edward.

Embry and I had worked together on countless occasions over the years, so whatever I knew, he knew. Soon I'd be able to actually put the rest of my equipment to the test, and I couldn't help but feel a little excited. I would get to see Rosalie become a human. After all that she did for me, and all the years I've watched her dote on Nessie, I couldn't wait to deliver the news.

Alice looked relieved when she spotted us. She stood waiting for me and Edward outside the main house.

"Bella!" she called out. "I got so scared!" When she couldn't contain herself any longer she pounced on me, her arms enveloping me in a tight hug.

"Alice," I said, lowering my voice.

"Oh stop it," she scolded me with a snort. "All of a sudden I saw all these strange images, none of them clear enough to understand, except for one – you in a hospital bed. What's going on, Bella?"

Edward reeled her in, letting her know that everything was fine, then convinced her to wait long enough for us to gather the rest of the family. Nessie was asleep already, but I preferred telling her alone, in our own home.

As expected, when I first told them, the room was enveloped in silence, apart from Carlisle's questions, which came right away, one after the other. The rest of them sat silently, listening to Carlisle and me speaking. Emmett was the first one to interrupt the calm with a loud whooping, then he swept Rosalie into his arms, who seemed to be in a trance. She didn't dare believe it, and refused to say much until she knew it actually worked. After this much time I understood her reluctance to get her hopes up.

It all brought me to the next point: I would undergo the, for lack of a better term, 'clinical trial'. It would be out of the question for any of them going near the cure until I was living proof it had been a success. They were skeptical, but after assuring them that Carlisle would be there, ready with his own expertise, they felt more at ease.

The first light of day broke through the clouds as Edward and I made our way back home to Nessie. I was quiet as I went over the things I had talked about with Carlisle. If the cure would succeed, there were physical aspects to consider, as well as emotional ones. I had considered this already, even if I couldn't say with certainty that I knew what to expect. My body had been frozen for nearly a century; there would be no telling what complications might arise. Whatever they were, I was willing to take the risks. It couldn't be worse than the numbness I was now used to.

When we came inside the door Edward stopped me, his arms wrapping around me as his lips ghosted kisses from my temple to my jawline where he lingered.

"Bella," he whispered. "Mind if we wait to speak with Nessie?" His warm breath washed down my throat, and I waited, furtively, for the spark that never came. I retreated slightly from Edward before even realizing, and when his smoldering gaze met mine, guilt clawed at me.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I can't." I escaped his pained expression, drawing toward Nessie's room. I felt him behind me, the unspoken questions hanging between us. Then he stopped and, at first, I didn't think much of it until I could hear his teeth grind together. I turned and gave him a puzzled look. "What?"

"She is dreaming of _him_," he hissed under his breath and pinched the bridge of his nose. I touched his arm lightly.

"Leave it be, Edward."

"I wish I could. It's so vivid, as if it's happened already." He grabbed my arms, his eyes boring into mine. "How certain are you that he hasn't told her, that they aren't already having a relationship?"

Jacob wouldn't do that, and Nessie would have told us. She didn't lie, or keep secrets. Deep down, something told me that he would never want her that way. After all these years, decades even, of worrying, and _now_ I believed it.

"Jacob wouldn't do that," I told him confidently. "Nessie would have told me." I was sure of it. "She has told me she's had strange dreams that she doesn't understand, but... I've avoided the subject."

Edward's eyes narrowed. "You actually believe he's still in love with you?" The question was mocking me, his eyes incredulous. "Bella," he said, his voice suddenly soft, "Jasper has felt Jacob's emotions for Nessie. Whatever he is saying, he's doing it to hurt you. He is angry, and he blames us all for what has happened. When are you going to learn to see through his mind games?"

Edward's words weren't new to me, I'd heard it so many times before through the years, in endless discussions and arguments. It was enough, something in me told me: enough is enough. I couldn't take him mocking Jacob anymore. No matter what the real truth was, he had no right to speak of him as if he were a clueless child. Regardless of his previous history, and that I knew he could be arrogant or play games, I knew what Jacob thought of imprinting. Especially with Nessie. I understood, and I agreed. Nessie was Edward's and my daughter. That Jacob would build a relationship with her was just plain wrong. She wasn't fully human, and as much as Jacob _did_ love her, he wasn't _in love_ with her. "He does love me," I said carefully. "Even now."

Edward composed himself, then nodded. "All right. I'm sorry. I suppose I don't like the thought of _that_ either." The guarded pain he tried to keep from me shone through anyway, and I reached out, placing my hand carefully on his cheek.

"I love _you_, Edward. What are you worried about?" I tried to make my smile sure, convincing, and if I failed Edward let me get away with it.

"I know," he said, then took my hand in his and brought it to his lips, placing a soft kiss over my knuckles. "And I love you."

"Well, ain't that just sweet." We both turned to see Nessie leaning against the door frame, one leg crossed in front of the other. "You guys!" She came over to put her arms around us, forcing us together. Edward chuckled and folded her into his chest.

"Did we wake you?"

She rolled her eyes then slumped her shoulders. "No. I had another dream. I don't get it, I mean, I love Jacob, he's – Jacob. How can you not? But I don't get this kissing anymore, really. It's starting to bug me. When I'm with him those things pop into my head, and it makes me uncomfortable, you know?" She had talked all the way into the kitchen where she was now rummaging through the fridge. "I'm sorry, but I can't keep it inside anymore. I had to get it out." She turned to us as we sat down by the table while she piled a layer of cold ham onto a breadroll.

"Nessie," I said but paused, wondering how to break the news to her.

Her cheek plopped out, full of ham. "Mom," she mumbled while chewing. "I know it makes you uncomfortable, but I _have_ to talk about it." Her eyes flitted to Edward who was already standing up, pushing the chair back in.

"I'll let you two talk," he said and bent down to kiss the top of my head. "I'll go back to speak with Carlisle." He left quickly and Nessie watched after him while finishing her chewing.

"What was that all about?"

I patted a spot on the table across from me. "Come, join me," I asked.

She grabbed the ham and another roll and came to pull out the chair opposite to me. "You're being very serious," she accused, her eyes suspicious.

"I have some news," I said slowly. When she raised an eyebrow at me I decided to just spill the beans. There really was no other way around it. So, for the third time today, I revealed what I'd been up to all these years, leaving out the same things I left out from Edward. Her eyes didn't leave mine the entire time, and when I rounded up the story with that I needed to test her blood, she made a gagging noise then started coughing.

"Choking," she gasped, and I flashed to her side, pulling her into my arm to perform the Heimlich maneuver, but she started chortling instead. "Mom!" she guffawed. "Stop, you're killing me!" I let go instantly and she dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes, except her shoulders were shaking.

"That's not even funny," I admonished, feeling slightly irritated.

She drew in a few ragged breaths. "Yes – yes it is," she gasped, wiping a tear that escaped her eye. "You should've seen your face," she said between restrained giggles.

I waited for her to come to her senses. This was typical behavior, apart from having a crude mouth at times, she also had a morbid sense of humor.

"Finished?" I asked when she jumped up, settling back onto the chair.

"Yep," she said, eying the remainder of her early morning snack. "So, when are we doing this thing? No time like the present, right?"

While I regarded her expression, she grabbed the roll and took it to the trash.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

She shrugged. "Absolutely. Why wouldn't I be? But I don't think this is going to work on me," she said confidently, and it bothered me that she didn't look too troubled by it.

"If it doesn't work, then I won't to take the cure," I vowed as I followed her to her room. She pulled on a pair of jeans and a green polo but stopped to stare at me.

"Why not? This is great, mom. You'll get to have more kids, I want a sister – two. And a little brother that I can teach about cars," she said and winked.

"I can't leave you, Nessie. In 80 years we'll be gone and you'll be-"

"Alone? Maybe, maybe not. But it's normal, isn't it? A kid's supposed to outlive their parents." She came up to me, placing her palm against my cheek. My mind flooding with a century worth of images. I drew in a sharp breath as it blew me away how much she had caught. "I'll have all that, and almost another century of memories. That's more than most kids can say," she told me before removing her hand, seeing that I wasn't handling the overload of emotion too well.

"But I-"

"Mom, stop being so stubborn. I'm over 90 years old, I think it's time you start giving me a little credit. I'm sorry to say this, but, I _can_ survive without you. Especially knowing you died like you were supposed to." She pressed her lips together. "I mean that in a good way, mom. Not saying I _want_ you to die. Well – you know what I mean, right?"

I nodded. "We'll see," I said, wanting to get to my lab to see that she wouldn't have to spend forever alone.

When we came into my office, Embry was sitting there, his long legs crossed, his bare calves resting on a stack of books on the edge of my oak desk. He looked up with a grin.

"Embry, get your legs off my desk."

He shrugged and got up. "Placed an order. I figured you'll be needing to stack up on a few bucket loads." The grin widened as his eyes flitted to Nessie, who was being uncharacteristically quiet next to me. I shot her a brief glance. Oh. Did she remember him?

As if on cue. "I remember you," she said quietly, then she did the strangest thing. My daughter blushed. I regarded Embry out of the corner of my eye. He looked far too pleased with himself.

"Did you hear that, Bella. She remembers me. I must've made one hell of an impression." He winked at Nessie.

"Don't flatter yourself," I scolded. "Nessie has a very good memory." As true as that was, there was one thing I knew about Nessie: she almost never blushed. She was too confident, too casual, too carefree.

She huffed now. "I'm standing right here."

"So you are – sorry if I offended you," Embry said quickly.

"I'm good," she said, the color on her cheeks fading. Her eyes met mine, no sign of embarrassment. "Can we get this blood test thing done?"

"Right this way, ladies." Embry went ahead to open the door for us. Immaturely, I elbowed him as I passed him.

"Ow?"

I smirked. He mumbled under his breath, but followed either way, and watched while I set up to withdraw a sample from Nessie. She made a face then turned her head as the vial filled.

"Who would've thought," she said, her eyes scanning the room. "I'm feeling kind of proud here, mom. This is really cool. And you did this for Rosalie – wow. She so owes you, now."

"She doesn't owe me anything," I said, and turned to my microscope.

Even after a quick overview, I knew that this wasn't going to be as easy as just mixing. Nessie could very possibly be right, and it did make perfect sense. She wasn't changed, she was created. She had her own DNA, her own bloodtype. Her whole body was in balance with who she was and, at a closer look, I saw that her blood wasn't very different from that of the werewolves. There was nothing wrong with her, just like there was nothing wrong with Jacob or Embry. She must have seen something in my face.

"Told you, mom," she said softly. "I'm healthy as a horse. There's nothing to cure."

I met her warm eyes, and I knew she was right. Of course there was nothing to cure. While I was frozen for eternity, she was created to live a long time after my passing, were I to choose humanity. Could I accept that?

"You can't have everything," Embry said gently, sensing my apprehension. "I think it's time to put your cure to the test, though. There's enough here to create the required amount as we've calculated for one person. Wanna do it?"

"I'm not ready!" I exclaimed suddenly, and Embry laughed.

"Don't worry, we'll get Edward here for you. But I'm just saying, there is nothing to wait for. Unless you're worried about being the only human on a farm full of vampires?"

"With me around, no leech will ever touch her again," came the ever so arrogant yet familiar voice. Jacob.

My gaze locked with his and, while his face was guarded, I found all I needed, right there in his eyes. I had given him my word, hadn't I?

"Okay."

Just as I'd said it, Nessie launched herself at me, her small arms squeezing me tightly.

"I'll be here, too, mom. You'll be fine."

"Great! I already started," Embry said cheerfully and came up to me. "Let's set up shop!" Nessie's hand found mine and she gave it a squeeze.

"Proud of you, mom," she said, then got up and stood in front of Jacob, who wouldn't take his eyes off me. "Hey, grump. What's up with you?"

"Been a long night," he said, his voice softening. "But it's looking like it was all worth it. Can't wait for your dad to stop rummaging through my head." A grin touched his lips and Nessie laughed.

"I'm with you on that one," she drawled. "Think we all are."

As the day progressed, the sun rising and moving across the sky, I started feeling oddly nervous. One reason being that Jacob left sometime around lunch to catch a few hours sleep, but not before promising me that he'd be there before they injected my frozen heart.

Edward brought up a very valid point, which I also hadn't thought about. It was very possible that, after nearly a century, he'd be taken off guard by the scent of my blood; he wanted me to remember that if he took off in the middle of it all not to worry. None of them really wanted to be in the actual room, but there were windows, and they'd be right outside. Carlisle, Nessie, Jacob and Embry would be with me and, as much as I wished Edward would be there, it soothed me to know that at least he'd be close.

Carlisle was preparing by setting up an IV drip, and he stood ready to do whatever he could if it were needed. When I sat down on the bed, looking around at all the machines and wires, tubes and blood, I almost chickened out. None of us knew what state my body would be in after the transformation. It would be whole, yes, but I had died in a state of pain and torment, so Carlisle was predicting all kinds of complications. Physical pain being only one factor. Panic was another. Depression was high on the list.

"Who let the dog out?" I heard Rosalie hiss, and I knew Jacob was here before he stepped into the room.

He ignored her and came to stand in front of me. "Hey."

"Hey," I replied awkwardly.

"Embry's bringing the last bags of goodies," he said, grinning, but the corners of his mouth turned down when and really looked at me. I'm not sure what he saw there, but he was suddenly on his knees, my hands in his. "You're gonna be okay, Bells. Relax. I'll be here."

"Thank you," I told him with as much sincerity I could muster. Then, as I looked into his eyes, the irony of the situation hit me. "You kept me alive that day, even though I was choosing this existence. And... here we are again," I said thoughtfully, "You got your way in the end, didn't you, Jacob?" I saw the sinews and muscles flex beneath his russet skin as his jaw tightened.

"Not entirely. But as Embry says: you can't have everything."

I looked down and remained silent. Once more, I wondered what it would be like if I made it through this. Would the need for him return? I didn't want to be torn again. As much as I knew I still cared for him, and loved him, it wasn't the same as it had been back then.

Enough thinking. I would find out soon enough.

When I finally lifted my eyes to his they were guarded again, but he also looked nervous.

"What is it?"

"It's very possible that I'll get a bit overwhelmed, Bella. I mean – just, forgive me, if I'm being inappropriate, okay?" Not understanding exactly what he meant, I just nodded.

"Of course, Jacob. There's nothing to forgive."

He gave out a nervous chuckle. "Yeah, I'll hold you to that." He grinned, winking at me. "Here he comes." Jacob stood up and, just as he did, Embry came into the room with a few bags of blood.

"I've got some O negative here too, just in case. I mean, we don't know what's gonna happen, right?"

I couldn't speak. Instead I just looked around at all their faces. What if this was the last time I saw them? What if something went terribly wrong?

Edward came through the door then, his eyes on mine as hecame up to me. He pressed his lips to my forehead. "I'll be seeing you soon, love."

"I love you," I told him, hoping that there was enough of me left to communicate how much I truly meant what I said.

"I know," he said and smiled.

Carlisle came up to me then, showing me a large syringe, designed specifically to pierce through my ribcage. I stared at it, and they all laughed. The reality of the situation made me look at it in an entirely different light.

"I bet you a 100 bucks she won't last 5 minutes," I heard Emmett say, and Embry chuckled.

"I'll raise you a 100." Embry was grinning from ear to ear.

"You disgust me," Alice said and gave me a reassuring smile. I wasn't fazed by their bets. It was quite typical. "You'll be fine, Bella."

"Stop fussing over me. Thank you, really, but I'm okay."

I leaned back and put my head on the pillow, making sure to lock my limbs. The procedure wasn't going to be easy. First my skin would need to be breached and the needles secured. After that it would all have to be injected simultaneously. I would be hooked up with needles in my wrists, one in my neck and one in my pelvis. Now I really couldn't look anymore and again my body hummed with nervous energy. My eyes were shut but I felt heat shoot up my arm when Jacob's hand wrapped around mine.

"I'll be right here, Bella."

Carlisle was there now. He would be the one to stab the big one into my heart, once the others were in place. "Ready, Bella?"

"Yes," I confirmed, but opened my eyes and glanced at my best friend. My best man. "Jacob?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't let go."

He gave me one of his rare but warm smiles, one I thought I'd never see again. "Haven't so far."

**o~*iii*~o**


	9. Down

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_Not ready to let go, 'cause then I'd never know what I could be missing. But I'm missing way too much, so when do I give up what I've been wishing for? / Jason Walker_

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**Down**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

Let go? How would I _ever_ be able to let her go?

The way her cold hand felt in mine sent a shiver down my spine, but what was to come made my heart beat anxiously in my chest. After all this, and I was still here fighting.

_Let go?_ I didn't know how to. How do you stop breathing? There is only so long you can be under water before instinct takes over and you kick your way to the surface. The memory of who she was made me tread that water, while _what_ she was pulled me under.

Letting go wasn't an option.

Carlisle moved over to a tray, picking up the first needle while Bella closed her eyes again.

"This will hurt." His voice was clinical but soft. He'd been doing this for so long that to him it flowed as easily as blood through my veins. Not that it flowed now, not exactly, it was more of a rush, and I could feel the nerves strangling my stomach. Bella didn't flinch though. She was motionless. When the second needle went in her lips only twitched slightly. However, when he pierced her neck both Embry and I had to pin her down. The one meant for the pelvis even hurt Carlisle. He winced when Bella gritted her teeth, choking back, what I was sure would have been a cry so loud it could've potentially shattered my eardrums and done permanent damage.

"It's all good. I'm good," she said, as if she were talking to herself. Her eyes were still closed and I couldn't help but reach out and touch her hair, running my hand down the side of her face.

"You're doing great, Bella," I said, forcing a cheerful tone past the strain I felt in my throat. Embry didn't seem fazed at all, his mouth set into an easy grin.

"You're gonna ace this." Whatever they'd been through together over the past 7-plus decades had formed a bond between them. He'd been there for her, and he'd humored her crazy notions.

"You are a hopeless optimist, Embry," she told him, and he laughed.

"True. Don't make me lose, I'm a poor man."

"Of course you are. I'll make sure I 'ace it', if only for the satisfaction of seeing you lose this humble wealth of yours," she joked.

"That's the spirit!"

I saw Carlisle getting the big one out, and both Embry and I positioned ourselves on either side of Bella now, locking her arms and legs down.

"I'm ready," she whispered. Embry and I exchanged a glance and I rolled my eyes. I could hear the unnecessary breaths that had been taken behind me cease. Simultaneously Embry and I gave a nod, letting Carlisle know we were ready.

This time she did scream. A million bells went off inside my head, and my balance was temporarily butchered. But that wasn't all. He may as well have stabbed me too, as my chest protested. That's when I saw that I wasn't the only one. Nessie had dropped to her knees, clutching her chest. If Edward hadn't flashed to her side then, I know I would've been in pure agony trying to hold Bella down while fighting the need to make sure Nessie was all right. She was staring at Bella, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Let me go, dad." She struggled out of his arms. "I'm good. It just took me by surprise." Nessie got to her feet again, letting Edward fuss over her a little; probably more for his benefit than hers. She was so strong it amazed me, and her eyes met mine as I continued gazing at her. She grinned.

"Really, I'm good," she assured me, and I smiled.

"I know."

Carlisle had hooked up the machine now that would inject the blood, while Embry attached the electrodes to monitor the progress. It would let us know when her skin was soft enough for us to switch to phase two: blood transfusion. Right now her intravenous system wasn't exactly functional, but once it was we'd have to withdraw the Wolframite needles to avoid damage, and Carlisle would have to move quickly to insert the IV needles. All of this had been a crash course, but Carlisle was a natural.

"Get ready, I'm going to inject." Again everything went completely silent apart from the beeping and humming from the machines.

I took Bella's hand again. I would be ready to pin her down if it was needed, but the worst part was over. At least I hoped so, as I stroked her fingers, glancing at Carlisle.

"Injecting." His face was a mask of pure concentration. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the blood that moved through the tubes, drawing closer, until it disappeared through the needles. Bella was completely still and my eyes shifted to her face.

A few, painful seconds passed where nothing seemed to be happening, until she sucked in a sharp, strangled breath and the machine picked up on some sort of activity. My heart nearly stopped. Again, the machine that had been humming a low static, gave out a _blip-blip. _And again. I heard it now, a low but distinct beat. It was lazy, but it was there. My eyes fell to her chest. It remained still, but the erratic, yet struggling, sound of her heart seemed to fill the whole room.

Carlisle was there, withdrawing the needle from her chest to avoid damage to the heart as it began holding its own. I drew in a ragged breath and finally I could feel my own heart again, as if it were matching each and every slow beat of hers. I squeezed her hand again, and that's when I noticed it. It didn't strain anymore against my fierce grip, instead it gave way and, by pure knee-jerk reaction, I dropped it, staring. It had a slight ashy pallor, but a faint reddish irritation blossomed where I had clutched it too roughly. I couldn't comprehend what I was seeing, and carefully I grasped her hand; no longer ice. Still cold, but not dead. I brushed my thumb across the surface, her skin feeling softer beneath my rough fingers.

"Jake, man, it's working – I knew it would but... it's _incredible_." Embry's voice broke through my bubble and I lifted my eyes to meet his. His expression was unfathomable, matching what I felt. I couldn't grasp it. If it wasn't enough that the sound of her heart or the feel of her hand in mine could cause such a painful ache in my throat, a very familiar scent broke through the fading reek of death and decay. Warm and sweet.

"Bella, can you hear me?" Carlisle was bent over her now and my gaze shifted back to her face. I had to swallow against the rising lump in my throat. Her face was gaining color, and her lips, slightly parted, had already lost that blushed hue.

I had been so preoccupied by staring at her that I hadn't even realized that Carlisle had come around to nudge me.

"It needs to come out. Now." And I moved while he proceeded to draw the needle from her wrist, only to replace it with an IV and some surgical tape to keep it in place. My mind wasn't functioning yet. I was dazed. I felt as if I were waking up from a bad dream, and only now could I take in what was going on around me.

Embry spoke again and I tore my eyes away from Bella, reluctantly looking at him. His face was serious now.

"Something's wrong," he said. "She's not responding. Her vitals are all stabilized, but – Jake... it's like she's not even there."

I blinked, my eyes returning to her face. "What?" What was wrong? I shook my head, not understanding. Not fully comprehending.

"There's _something_, but it's so weak. Her brainwaves are all but non-existent."

"Brain-what?" My voice felt strange, like it didn't even belong to me. How could she not be there? But then I felt it, or should I say, I noticed what I couldn't feel. Still holding onto her hand, I leaned in; her soft, clean, human scent, was the only thing keeping me together. "Bella?" I reached out with my other hand to touch her face, gently letting my fingers ghost across the surface of her cold skin. What was wrong? Then my ears registered the sound of soft, ragged breaths. My eyes flitted over to Nessie who was limp in Edward's arms. He stood there, staring and unmoving.

"This isn't due to the transformation having gone wrong," Embry said quietly, answering some question Carlisle had asked. "It's her. She was slipping – losing it, before this. The human body is more complex, it needs its soul. Without it we would technically just be a limp mass of flesh and bone."

"But she's not all gone, she _is_ there," he insisted.

"Yes, but now, more than ever, she is reliant on it. I really don't know what to say." Embry's voice was apologetic, guilty, frazzled.

"_Don't you dare let go."_

I wouldn't let go. I'd sit here, until she woke up. Returned. Whatever it was that needed to happen for her to be okay. I'd promised her, and I couldn't break that promise. But I couldn't watch Nessie falling to pieces in Edward's cold embrace.

"Ness," I called out thickly, releasing Bella's hand, and went over to her as she lifted her devastated eyes to mine. Irritation shot through me and I fixed my stare on Edward. "Let her go if you can't get a hold of yourself," I growled and he nodded stiffly. I pulled Nessie to me without hesitation, and took her back to the chair with me, settling her on my lap where she turned her head into my chest. I took Bella's hand again while curling an arm around Nessie.

"Help her," she begged. "Do something, Jacob." It tore at me, the hurt digging into my bones. My mind was still unraveling, trying to regain footing, but I felt like I was floating around in empty space with no direction.

To be completely honest, I felt really strange.

Edward moved around the bed to stand next to Bella. What was he doing? How could he just stand there and do nothing? Was it her blood?

"Touch her, for Christ's sake. What's your problem? Isn't it obvious that you should?" I snapped at him, and he turned his dark, flat eyes on me fleetingly, before turning them back to stare at her. His face was a mask of terror and agony, reminding me of the burning man I'd seen once, when the thing growing inside her had been tearing her apart from the inside out. And, just like then, he seemed more afraid of what his touch would do, than the possibility that she might just _need_ him.

"It's my fault-"

"Who cares!" I snarled. "Goddammit." Nessie flinched and finally turned from me, sliding off my lap and crawling onto the bed. She was on her knees next to Bella, then she leaned down and wrapped her arms around her.

"Come on, mom. You can do this. You owe me another 80 years, remember?" Her head rested on Bella's chest and I could see her listening to the heartbeat, taken by the sound. My eyes quickly left her to return to Edward's stiff form, still just standing there. I wanted to punch him.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I said and leaned forward, gently squeezing Bella's hand. "Your husband is a royal douche and he leaves me no other choice." Then I proceeded to stand and lean over Bella, my face now hovering inches above hers. If he wasn't going to touch her then I would. My gaze dropped to her lips and my heart ached with a forbidden longing. "Sorry, Bells," I told her and leaned closer. A snarl ripped from his chest and an ice-cold hand locked around my shoulder, stopping my advances.

"Don't. Even. Think. About it," he menaced.

I smiled, taking a deep breath. "What are you gonna do about it?" I asked, turning to lock my eyes on his. They were black with fury. That's right, asshole. Grow some balls.

"Get back in your chair, mongrel, before I put you there. I'm not in the mood for your games."

"I don't care what mood you're in. She's your wife, so do something. You were all action when it came to her becoming a vampire, what's changed?"

"Stop it." Nessie sat up, her eyes blood-shot from crying. "Both of you."

The feeble squeeze to my hand changed the whole atmosphere, making my heart leap into my throat. I wanted to pull the frail creature on the bed into my arms and hug her to my chest and never let go.

"I would suggest you rethink that," Edward hissed, his fingers digging into my shoulder, and the wolf protested in my chest. A whisper of heat brushed up my spine. I jerked away from him and sank back onto the chair. At least it had made him do _something_. I knew Bella; I knew she needed to feel wanted and needed, important and significant. This body was used to fighting, passion and struggle. Not a dead shell. Edward stiffened.

"Mom," Nessie whispered as she hopped off the bed, moving around me to stand next to where Bella's head rested on the pillow. I drew closer, watching her face. Her eyes moved, ever so slightly, beneath her lids. Again my heart leaped. Edward had noticed, too, and finally he moved closer, reaching out to stroke her face.

"Mom?" Nessie touched her hair. "We're waiting for you. Stop kidding around."

"Bella, love," Edward spoke softly to her now. "You've given us a scare, and we all want you to come back to us. Can you hear me?"

I closed my eyes, breathing in through my nose. Bella's warm scent was like a soft caress, soothing my insides. There was movement around me, I could hear them speaking, but it was only a distant murmur. Maybe because I didn't really care what they said. I couldn't focus on anything, and the growing unease inside me told me that something was wrong. Off. Again I got the feeling I was drifting, like I was being disconnected from myself, and it made me intensely lethargic. It was impossible to fight, and before I realized what was happening, the room began to spin. The only thing greeting me at the end of the whirl was a solid, black wall.

Glowing swirls cut through the dense darkness, flowing around me. That's all there was. The unending, thick blackness, and the humming streaks of faint light. Some of it touched me, leaving a tingle, just under my skin. I'd never experienced anything like it. I don't know how long it continued, but at some point the fiery haze dimmed, and I slipped into complete unconsciousness.

I heard hushed voices, but there was a sense of urgency in them, like they were arguing. I tried to open my eyes, but they felt too heavy. My whole body seemed anchored, and barely responded. I groaned.

"Jake! Jacob? Man... can you hear me?"

Something icy wrapped around my wrist, then the same chill pressed slightly into my skin.

"He's coming around," spoke the calm voice. That had to be Carlisle.

"About time!" Embry exclaimed. "Jake," he repeated. "Wake up, you lazy ass." He attempted to mask his emotion with mock irritation, but it was a poor effort.

This time I forced my lids open, but closed them instantly when the sharp light cut through my brain. I squeezed my eyes a few times, then pulled my arm up to shield myself enough to squint. Two blurred shapes began to take on the form of Embry and Carlisle, both of which regarded me with concern as well as relief.

"Welcome back to the world of the living," Embry said then he glanced at Carlisle, "Well, you know what I mean."

"Hey," I slurred. "What happened?" I noticed the desk now, where Carlisle and Embry were pouring over a great deal of paperwork. I was in Bella's office? "Why am I here?" I struggled to get up, but my limbs didn't obey as quickly as I wanted them to.

"You just dropped. Like you'd been decked by some invisible force," Embry answered, confusion clear in both his voice and his face.

"The room started spinning and... it felt really freaking strange," I recalled. "Is Bella okay? How long was I out?"

"Nearly 24 hours... haven't you slept much lately?" Embry replied questioningly.

"_What!_ Why didn't you wake me?" 24 hours? Shit. _Shit!_ "Is Bella okay?" I repeated.

"She's awake now, but she's been in and out of it pretty much since you passed out. And I tried to wake you – she did, too, but you wouldn't budge. That's why we moved you here. You and Nessie both have been sleeping like logs-"

"Really?" Nessie too? My eyes narrowed, and only now did I really look at Embry. "What's going on?"

He sat down in the chair, letting out a long, drawn out sigh, scratching his head. "That's what we're trying to figure out—"

"Is Bella _okay_? Dammit, Embry, answer the question," I demanded and pulled myself up with another groan. I felt all wrong. Still off, and I wondered if the displacement I felt was because I could somehow sense that something wasn't as it should be. It was irking me and it pissed me off to no end. I moved awkwardly over to the desk, leaning on it.

"Both yes and no," he hedged, obviously not wanting to upset me, but it was a little bit too late for that. I didn't really need anyone to tell me that something was wrong. What I did need, though, was for someone to tell me _what_ _it was_. He took my silence as a good enough reason to continue. At least I hadn't chewed his head off. Yet. "She's drifting in and out of consciousness. Sure, she's awake and okay _now_, but then all of a sudden she'll drop off, as if someone pulled the plug. Rosalie is completely freaked out and doesn't dare to use the cure, even if I keep telling her that this has nothing to do with that-"

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because Bella's physically in excellent condition," Carlisle replied for him, looking up from the paperwork, then he pulled a hand through his usually neat, but now disheveled, hair. He was going to rake the hair out by their roots at the rate he was going. "I've drawn several blood tests and she's never been healthier-" he cut himself off, shaking his head. "If I didn't know better, I'd say that during the transformation her DNA was rewritten, because the cell regeneration is _too good_. I've never seen anything like it, not in a human."

"Makes sense," Embry mused, "Bella might've stumbled across the fountain of youth," he joked, as an attempt to lighten the mood up, I guessed. But Carlisle stared at him, seeming dazed.

"I wonder if this could benefit cancer patients-"

"Hey, now," Embry leaned forward, tapping the desk with his index finger. "This stays here, and goes nowhere else. The world isn't ready for this kind of revelation. To be honest, I don't think it'll ever be. We're meant to destroy ourselves, slowly, so don't you go messing around with the course of nature. You're a vampire, you're setting it off balance enough as it is – no offense, of course."

Carlisle nodded, smiling. "None taken. And you're right – but it's a fascinating thought, isn't it?"

"Yeah," Embry said with a laugh. "Fascinating that Bella was the one who discovered it. I mean... it's – I have no words. Only she would uncover something like this by pure accident. Punching Jake in the face and busting up her hand... even as a vampire. Classic Bella-style."

I all but growled at him.

He held his hands up. "Hey, I'm just saying. She's attracted so much danger, and now she's come up with a way that could very well annihilate the entire vampire race, think about it-" he reached down, pulled out a drawer and tossed something at me. I caught a lump of cold metal in my hand, looking at it unimpressed. "That's Wolframite, and when alloyed and heated to the right temperature it will become hard enough to break through a vampire's flesh. Imagine a shitload of alloyed Wolframite bombs, dropped on Volterra – _kaboom!_ They would never know what hit them." He guffawed. Both Carlisle and I were staring at him now. That was actually doable? That wouldn't be possible. I mean, there were innocents there, and where would we get a plane from? Let alone get off US soil with bombs in the hangar? Embry's brain must've gotten damaged from spending too much time in the craziness of Bella's experiments.

"Tempting thought," I agreed, humoring him.

"Stefan and Vladimir would be pleased," Carlisle said with a light chuckle.

Where had I heard that before? Ah, right. The ancient leeches with a vendetta against the Volturi.

"Turn them into humans and lock 'em up in jail, I'd like to see someone make that leader into their bitch." Embry laughed.

"Or just feed them to some lions; let them get a feel of not being at the top of the food chain anymore," I offered.

Embry sat back, twirling his invisible mustache. "Ah, the possibilities – alas, no can do."

"That would be messing with nature, huh?"

"Mock me all you want. One of these days you'll thank me for wanting to keep the balance of nature intact."

"I thought the Volturi set it off?"

"They do, but to do something about it would draw attention, and we'd end up with mass riots when this little baby got released on humanity," he said and bounced a vial in his hand. The blood.

"You've watched too many doomsday movies."

Embry scoffed and spread out his arms. "Here? I don't have cable in my cabin, nor satellite. Besides, Bella's been a slave driver. I haven't had time for a movie in... ah-" he was scratching his head again. "At least 20 years. Last time I saw a movie was the last time I had a proper date, and it was a disaster."

Must've been, if he could still remember it after 20 years.

"Hey," came Nessie's soft voice, and both Embry and I jumped. She gave me an odd look and I frowned. Since when has she managed to sneak up on me? I always knew when she was close.

"How long have you been standing there?" I turned to watch her as she leaned against the door frame. She looked exhausted. Kind of how I felt.

"_Kaboom!_" She threw her hands up, puffing her cheeks, imitating the sound of a bomb exploding.

Embry laughed. "Tempting, isn't it?"

When a faint blush appeared on her cheeks, I looked at Embry who had a mischievous twinkle in his eye. What? Nessie blushing? Since when?

"Sure. I don't like them much, but I liked the idea better of Aro becoming a homeboy's bitch." She stepped into the room, drawing toward the desk. Her eyes flitted to meet mine briefly, giving me another strange look. Was something wrong? Now when I thought about it, she didn't feel the same. She was still Nessie, but something about her was different. It wasn't until she cleared her throat that I realized I'd been staring at her.

"Sorry," I mumbled, dropping my gaze to the papers scattered across the desk.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I straightened and gave her a quick smile. "Sure, sure. I think I need some fresh air and some food. But first I'm going to see your mom." I made a quick escape, stopping just outside the door where Bella would be to take a few deep breaths.

From inside the room I could hear a soft voice, and not even a century had erased it from my memory. I'd know that voice from anywhere. My feet moved and I turned the doorhandle, making the voice pause. I heard Edward say my name, as a warning, and I'm sure her fluttering heart was even louder to him, giving her sudden apprehension away.

I paused inside the door, my eyes instantly finding hers; rich and deep chocolate brown. All the years that had passed since the day I'd watched the light go out in them, the insane amount of times I'd wished I could take it all back, to do things differently – not one day in between now and then mattered. My heart broke, and soared at the same time.

"Jacob," she said as her voice cracked.

Instantaneously I moved forward, registering how Edward moved to intercept me, while Bella held her hand up to stop him. I would have shoved him out of the way if he hadn't stayed where he was; I had to be near her.

Before I knew it, I found myself on my knees at her side with her hands in mine. The contact ignited a surge of emotion in me, and I didn't care that Edward was there or that he was her husband. He hissed when I brought her hands to my face, pressing my cheek against the delicate skin.

"Edward," Bella pleaded in a whisper.

I only just managed to hold myself together. "Bella..." Speaking through the lump in my throat wasn't nearly as painful as the ache in my chest; it tore at me, telling me to pull her into my arms. Instead I rubbed my nose across her soft hands.

"This is highly inappropriate," he told her.

"No. It's okay." By the sound of her voice, I got the impression she was struggling just as much as I was. I just couldn't find it in me to pull away or to let go, and if Edward had a problem, he'd have to use all his strength to pry me away.

"Don't think I won't," he warned under his breath.

"You can try," I challenged meaningfully, letting my eyes rise to meet his.

"Are you done?" he asked in a tight voice.

"Nope. You could leave, though, y'know – give us some space," I suggested with a smirk.

Bella sighed. "Please," was all she said, and I turned to look at her.

"Sorry, Bells. Do you want me to go?"

"No," she whispered.

I smiled. "There you go," I said for Edward's benefit.

"Just control yourself, Jacob. Nothing has changed."

"A hundred years hasn't made me senile," I told him, getting irritated with his obsessive superiority. "I know my place, so don't push me." As if I could forget; I was the best friend, and I would always only be just that.

"I am glad we understand each other."

I wasn't listening anymore, distracted by Bella's drawn features. "How are you feeling?" I asked worriedly, stopping myself from reaching out to touch her face. I wasn't ready to leave yet, even if my stomach was churning. But I knew, that if I got too bold, her precious husband would flip.

"Wise," he said quietly, with a trace of humor.

"I'm fine," she said, braving a smile. "How are _you_ feeling? You were asleep for an awfully long time." Trust her to deflect any concern for her by turning it back on me.

I shrugged. "I'm good, Bella. I haven't slept much lately – but don't worry," I added quickly when I saw her frown. "As soon as you let me go, I'll go hunt down some food, and I'll be back, kicking your husband's ass before you know it." I winked, and she rolled her eyes at me, which made me grin broadly.

"Don't flatter yourself," Edward said, and, while his voice was lighter, there was an underlying strain there that he tried to hide for her sake.

When I continued to study her face, I realized how exhausted she really looked. I rose, her hands still in mine. "You look like you could use some rest, Bella. I'm going to get something to eat, then I'll come back."

I resisted the urge to lean in and give her a hug, seeing Edward's watchful eyes on me, and I knew he'd probably launch a discussion. If I could spare her the drama, I should. There would be plenty of opportunities to hold her later, when she felt better.

He went all stiff again. "Don't count on it."

"You're lucky you're dead, or you'd give yourself an aneurysm," I gave Bella's hand a gentle squeeze before leaving the room. "Get some sleep, Bells." I told her as I closed the door.

I was just about to cut through the barn to my small house on the other side, when I saw Alice inside the doors, blocking my passage. Her arms were folded across her chest and her eyes frowned at me in disapproval. What now?

"Alice, I haven't eaten anything in 24 hours-"

"I know. That's why I'm here; Esme has cooked. Nessie just had her share." She didn't even stay to let me argue, or to allow me a chance to talk myself out of it. I groaned and followed. The last thing I wanted now was to pretend that their stench didn't ruin my appetite, but since I was so damn hungry I decided not to care.

I'd shared meals with Nessie in this house many times over the years, and it hadn't always been unpleasant, but most of the time I'd just been _that_ good at pretending. That whole stage was coming to an end, though. I was coming to terms with how tired I was of pretending. Tired of the charades.

"Did you run into Nessie?" Alice yanked me out of my private little debate and I nodded, my mouth full of food. "Notice anything different?" She asked it as if she had noticed it, too. Like there was something specific that had happened. Jasper was watching me intently from the living room where he perched on the armrest of the sofa.

I swallowed and took a big gulp of milk. "Yeah, she looked exhausted, but so does Bella." I was fishing, getting her to maybe give me her own observations. Her eyes were intent on mine, like she was finding answers, picking them off my face.

"Maybe you should go see how she's doing," she said finally. I put down my fork and knife and pushed the plate aside, resting my elbows on the table while leaning forward.

"Spit it out." These half-conversations, the riddles, half-spoken sentences, hidden meanings; I was so sick and tired of their bullshit. What was so difficult about saying what you meant and meaning what you say?

"Go and see her, then maybe you'll understand why I'm not really sure what to say to you right now, Jacob."

With a grunt I pushed away from the table. "Fine," and to Esme, as she came into the dining room, "Thank you for the food, it was great."

"You're welcome, dear. There's more," she said. "If you want later." In her hand she had a bag which she gave me. "Some things for Bella, in case she feels like trying some lasagna."

"I'm sure she wouldn't be able to refuse your food." I winked at her but when I looked at Alice again my smile faded and I ended up leaving the house with half a scowl on my face.

On my way back to the field hospital, which I think I'd call it from now on, I tried to think what was so different about Nessie. But the chances of figuring that out were pretty slim, considering my head was such a mess. _I_ was a mess, and I wasn't even really sure why. I should be completely ecstatic, and I had been, but then Edward had come and ruined it all. As per usual. But that wasn't all. I really felt lost.

Bella was still awake when I got there, and Nessie sat curled up on the chair. Edward was perched on the edge of the bed and I noted smugly that someone had gotten Bella, not one, but _two_ extra blankets. Edward rolled his eyes at me and I couldn't help but flashing him a broad grin.

"Hey, Bells. I thought I told you to get some sleep."

Her eyes moved from Edward's face to my big smile.

"I tried," she said tiredly. I came to stand next to a sleeping Nessie. "She only just fell asleep. Do you think you could put her on the sofa in my office?" Bella's eyes didn't meet mine and I cocked an eyebrow.

"Okay." I reached down to scoop her up but paused, confused, as her usually warmer than normal skin felt cool to my touch. I stared at her.

"Jacob? What's wrong?" Bella asked.

"Nothing." I picked Nessie up and she automatically turned into my chest, then her head snapped up, her eyes locking with mine. Right then and there I knew exactly what was wrong.

What I had grown so used to seeing in her eyes was no longer there. It was as if a fire had been snuffed out and, while I knew that this was Nessie – I felt it was her, the link that had always been such a natural part of our relationship was, for the lack of a better term, severed. The longer I stared at her the more awkward I felt and, when I finally made myself tear my eyes away from hers, I put her down. My first instinctual act was to run, and I wasn't even sure why.

"Give me a moment," I said tightly and left the room. I froze in the hallway, sensing company.

"Jacob." Now _Edward_ was running after me? Could things get worse?

"What?" I turned, fixing my eyes on his. Bring it on, I know you want to take a swing at my ego. Just go ahead, give it your best shot.

"What happened in there?"

I groaned. "Why don't you tell me? You always dig around in my head."

"It's gone," he said simply after a short silence. "The imprint – you lost it, didn't you?" Hard as I tried to stay unaffected, I couldn't, and hearing him say it out loud made me flinch.

How was it possible to lose your imprint? Once the connection was made, it was an unbreakable bond; at least, it was supposed to be. Was this why I'd slept so long, and Nessie, too? But why? Why now? Suddenly the air whooshed out my lungs and Edward had shoved me against the wall, a low, feral snarl ripping from his chest.

"Listen carefully, Jacob. You had better not go into that room again." His words were dripping venom and I was so shocked by his loss of control that I didn't even attempt to move. I could feel the lick of heat up my back though, but my mind was a blank.

"What?" I asked distractedly, trying to pull myself together.

"Just stay away." His dark eyes were menacing and my mind worked against the shock. Stay away from where, from what? Bella?

"Yes," he forced through his teeth, answering my silent question. Was he out of his mind? Why would I stay away from her? Unless she asked me to, of course.

"She's been talking about offering you a long distance friendship," he said, his calm returning.

_Say what? _What did I miss?

"If she asks me, then I will. Until then I'll see her if I want to." I moved to walk passed him but he stepped in front of me again, blocking my path. "Seriously, get out of my way," I warned but he didn't budge. Nessie came out into the hallway then, eying our stances suspiciously.

"What's going on?"

My eyes left Edward's face for a moment and I regarded her. She still looked the same, she was the same. Nothing had changed, yet everything was different.

"Your dad doesn't want me to see your mom, for some reason," I explained, still looking at her. Her eyebrows shot up.

"Dad!" She walked forward and tugged on his arm. "That's ridiculous, of course he can see mom. What's wrong with you?" Her eyes went back to mine. "Just go in there," she said, rolling her eyes. But I wasn't so sure anymore. For some reason, he didn't want me to talk to Bella.

Oh.

If I wasn't imprinted anymore, that meant that I wasn't tied to Nessie, and he thought I was, what? Going to steal Bella away from him? I started laughing.

"You're deluded," I said incredulously. "Who is she married to, huh? As far as I know her last name is Cullen and she is _your_ wife, as you so many times have _loved_ to point out. Are we really back to this, after all this time? Jeez." As much as I wished his fears would come true, I was done with fooling myself. I knew who she wanted, and it wasn't me. Maybe she did feel strongly for me, but it wasn't enough. Nowhere near enough. It hadn't been then, and it certainly wasn't now. I moved around him and his hand shot out, his icy fingers digging into my upper arm.

"Get your hand off of me," I growled and jerked away from him.

"Dad, stop it." Nessie stepped to block his advances while I stalked away from him. Whatever his problem was, if he kept it up, I'd snap. If he thought I had issues with my temper, I'd show him just how bad it could be. I was shaking my head when I got back into the room where Bella was sitting up now, staring right at me when I sank down on the chair.

"Jacob, what just happened?" she hedged and I shrugged.

"Your husband's losing it, Bells. Seriously." I offered her a small smile, meeting her eyes as I placed the bag from Esme on her lap. "Esme sent you some food, have you eaten anything yet?"

She shook her head quickly. "I meant with you and Nessie, what was that?" She was searching my face and I sighed.

"Okay-" I reached out and took her hand, glad that she didn't pull away. It gave me something to hold on to, which I needed right now. Especially with the growing sense of unease I felt in the wake of what I'd just realized. It was even more unsettling that I hadn't been able to tell straight away.

"Out with it, Jacob," she pressed.

I made my voice even, leaning closer. "I lost the imprint." Why beat around the bush? No matter how I worded it it sounded wrong, unnatural. We didn't lose it. But had there ever been anything natural about me imprinting on Nessie in the first place? I guess Bella had corrected more than one wrong. Bella's eyes were wide and she stared at me blankly.

"_Lost it?_"

I nodded. "Yep. Nessie's free from the creepy werewolf stalker, great news, huh?" I sounded bitter. In some way, I guess that I'd been at least a little happy about it. Hadn't it meant that I was tied to Bella, that I'd always be in her life, since Nessie would always be in hers? And honestly, even if there had been no romance on the horizon, at least I'd had a soul mate, someone who was meant for me, in some way. Someone who would always understand me, who I could talk to without having to pretend. Now I didn't even have that. I had nothing. Apparently Bella wanted me to go away, and what would there be after that? I would be back at square one. But this time I really would be alone. My dad wasn't around, or the pack, well, there was Embry now. And I had Leah – but come on, that could be just as much of a curse as it could be a blessing. There was never any way of knowing how the day would turn out when you had Leah around.

"I don't understand," she whispered.

"That makes two of us." I tried to smile but it didn't feel like I was doing a very good job of it, which only made things worse. Why would I try to smile anyway? Habit, maybe. Honestly, I didn't feel like smiling, so I'd stop pretending. Enough was enough.

"Oh, Jake." Her arms around my neck were just as much of a surprise to me as the absence of protest when my own came around her waist by their own accord. I wanted her closer, flush against me. Why couldn't I have that? Who had decided that everything would be so complicated when I knew it didn't have to be? It shouldn't be like this. When I wanted to pull her close I shouldn't be fighting that urge. Still, I did fight it; it would make everything so much more difficult if I didn't. For the both of us. The pull toward her, and the ache I felt while fighting against it, was just too much. I couldn't do this. We were back at square one.

When I released her waist, her arms pulled back and her hands fell down on her lap. I was trembling when I reached up to frame her face with my hands and her eyes lifted to mine, large, sad. I could see that she _did_ love me and it made the pain that much harder to bear. Why was my need for her back? The distinct pull I'd felt and lost as I'd worked over her broken body that day. Now it was _back_, but in her eyes, so full of regret and guilt, love and compassion, still I couldn't see what I wanted. How was it all connected? Why would her becoming human again sever my connection with Nessie? I guess it was as good a question as why would I stop needing her when she died, only to imprint on her daughter. Somewhere between sense and insanity was an answer, just as somewhere between not enough and her was a choice where I would never be its target. I felt the presence of Edward and removed my hands from her face while she continued to just sit there, staring at me through the layer of her tears. I swallowed against the ache again and straightened my back. Bella wiped at her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt then focused on a spot behind me.

"Jasper?" Her voice was as broken as I felt.

I turned around to find him watching me. What was _he_ doing here? Then I noticed the discreet exchange between him and Edward. Instantly it fell into place.

"You've got to be kidding me," I bit out through a bitter laugh. "You thought that I would imprint on Bella, didn't you? That's why you didn't want me to come in here..." Edward stared at me coldly, his jaw tight. "Unbelievable." I rose from the chair, stepping toward him. I felt Jasper pressing against the anger that was building inside me and it only enraged me more. My voice was low, my words slow and purposeful as I stared at Edward.

"When you left her she fell apart _over you_. When you went to kill yourself, like the pathetic worm that you are, she flew around the world to fight _for you_, and when you asked her to marry you, she spent one hundred years _with you_. Do you have _any_ idea what I wouldn't give for just _one _day. _One day._ Yet you scheme to no end to keep me away from her? You should know by now how fully and completely she is _yours_. What the _hell_ is wrong with you?" I stopped, with only one inch between me and him, one heartbeat between control and losing it. "She seems to be under the misconception that she doesn't deserve either of us, but hell, I can't help but wonder how a weasel like you could ever deserve _her_."

"Jacob!"

"I'm entitled to my opinion," I snapped. "I call 'em as I see 'em, Bella."

"Edward," she said carefully. "Is Jacob right? Is this why Jasper is here? To see if his feelings for me match what he felt for Nessie?"

"Love-"

"Answer," she pressed in barely a whisper.

"I was concerned, I'm sorry if I upset you, love, I-"

"_Edward_." She was on the verge of tears, I could hear it. "You've _got_ to stop poking your nose into his thoughts. We have taken enough from him, so please... just stop."

"It's okay, Bella. Don't get yourself worked up – I'll leave you to it." It sure as hell wasn't okay, but my presence here right now was upsetting her. Not my doing directly, but since her beloved vampire had to try and control every single situation, which in turn pissed me off, it was best to leave before Bella was a wreck.

"You don't have to leave, Jacob," she said brokenly. "I'll be fine. Just please stop fighting with each other."

I turned to her, shaking my head, while giving her a wistful smile. "Bella – after one century, shouldn't you have learned by now that he and I will _never_ get along?"

She bit her lip, stopping whatever words had been on their way out. Her nod was reluctant, and, at first, I was floored that she didn't try to tell me differently.

"You're right, of course," she agreed.

"Right." My eyes narrowed, and I wanted so badly to ask her what the whole 'long distance' thing was that Edward had mentioned, but I'd leave it for another time. Now I just needed to get out of there. "You know where to find me," I told her, cold determination seeping into my voice. "Try to eat something," I added.

For the third, and last time today, I left her room; I knew that I was stubborn enough to stay away until she felt better. But was she strong enough to not beg me to come see her? Part of me wished she wasn't, while the other part, the part that was fed up, hoped she'd leave me alone.

Up until now I had lived my own life, alongside them, and, while it hadn't been ideal, it had worked. I had made it work. For me. I had plenty of projects to bury myself in, and, I hoped, it would give me the distraction I needed. All I knew was that I didn't want to get pulled into the hopeless situation, nor the emotional drama that came with it, that we'd had before she became a vampire. It was still there though. I could feel it. Whatever it was that had been stripped from us both, that day when she took her last breath, was back. Undeniable, and just as poisonous to my heart now as it had been back then.

We were definitely back at square one. The question was: what would I do about it, this time around?

**o~*iii*~o**


	10. Like The Sun

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_I tried to hide from you, but I failed. I tried to lie to you, but how I failed. / Whenever you're close to me, you're like the sun—you feel like the sun. / RyanDan_

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**Like The Sun**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

The imprint was gone. _Gone_. How was this even possible? More importantly, how was this really affecting him? After all these years with such a strong connection to Nessie, how would he cope without it? How would it affect Nessie? The frail level of restraint I had on my emotions had cracked as I'd watched the emotions play across his face. It very nearly stole the breath from my lungs to see him so lost. Words had failed me, and all I could do was to throw my arms around him.

And Edward. Was it impossible for him to give Jacob a break? Instead of showing understanding, he starts worrying about Jacob imprinting on _me_? Why, out of all things to stress about, would he entertain such an absurd notion? Had that been fate's intention, then it would have happened a century ago. Infuriating man!

I took a deep breath, peeling off the layers of my blankets.

"Oh, darn it." I wiped at my tears as I swung my legs over the edge of the bed. Here it comes again. The tears, the aching thickness in my throat, the swelling of my sinuses as I sniffled to breathe.

"Bella, love, stay in bed," Edward urged, coming to stop me from getting up.

"Don't," I warned him. "Let me stand on my own legs, for goodness sakes."

"I'm sorry for being such a jealous buffoon, love. I didn't mean to upset you." His voice was so beautiful, so soft, so concerned; I felt horrible for snapping at him. After having been numb for so long, every twinge, every sound and every touch felt like it contained a million emotions. More tears flowed.

"I'm just an emotional wreck, Edward."

His cool fingers brushed my shoulder, sending a shiver through me. "Get back in bed and I'll warm up that food for you. You really should try to eat something, Bella."

Food. I didn't even feel hungry, or, possibly, I just didn't remember what it felt like. My mind was focused on a whole other set of instincts to tell me I needed sustenance. Everything ached, so much I couldn't even tell from where it came. Apart from the throbbing in my head. The worst part, so far, was the fact that I couldn't focus my eyesight. It was all a blur – a memory popped into my head out of nowhere: it was of me, trying Grandma Swan's glasses on. I couldn't see a thing when I looked through them.

"I can't see!" I exclaimed in irritation. I felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on me, forcing the air out of my lungs and squashing my heart, my stomach – all of me. Where did it all come from? What did I possibly have to feel down about? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

"Bella, love, what can I do?"

"Use the cure so I can get a hug already," I choked out, slapping my hand to my mouth instantly. No matter how much I was aching for Edward to hold me, I hadn't let him yet; unlike a century ago, the chill of his skin dug into my very bones. "I'm sorry," I apologized and sighed.

There was one thing that was quickly becoming very clear to me: I had thought that with my increased brain capacity and my heightened senses that, as a human, it would be impossible to feel even remotely what I could as a vampire. However, I'd gotten that all backwards. Being back to my human self, I knew that a sense means nothing without a living body to react to it. My heart would beat frantically, my palms would perspire, my skin would heat up, my cheeks would flush and there was no end to the way my body reacted.

"I have to say that I did miss this," Edward said, and I tore my eyes away from the lasagna he had set down in front of me while I'd been lost in my own thoughts.

"Watching me eat?" I scooped up a piece and studied it, trying to get my eyes to focus.

"...it's not going to jump and bite you, love. But it might get cold."

"What?" I asked, not having paid attention.

"The way you are looking at it," he said, giving a meaningful nod toward my fork, "is as if you're afraid of it," he teased lightly.

"It's blurry," I informed him, then slipped it into my mouth.

I couldn't help the low moan in the back of my throat. Words couldn't do it justice; soft, smooth, sweet and salty, the slight grainy texture on my tongue – my mouth was watering. Edward was staring at me now, which made my whole face flush. "Sorry," I mumbled through my food, quickly closing my mouth to give him an apologetic look.

He reached out and skimmed my cheekbone with his thumb. "This," he finally said in a low murmur. "Is what I missed."

"Bet you didn't mean the appetizing scent of my blood, though, right?" This made him laugh, but then his face became strained and just as suddenly as he had laughed, he stopped. I wondered if I'd imagined it because his face was dark and brooding now, making me swallow loudly. "What?"

"I'm sorry to have to say this, but... you smell like a wet dog."

I was glad that I didn't have any food left in my mouth; I would have choked on it. "_What?_"

He held a hand up. "It's not very strong, but it's enough to be noticeable. So far everyone except Carlisle, Jacob, Embry and I think it's only because of Jacob," he stiffened at the mention of Jacob's name, "he does have problems keeping his hands to himself, after all. But," Edward paused, scrutinizing my face, gauging my reaction to what he was about to reveal to me, "while your blood is your blood, it has changed just slightly. Improved cell renewal isn't the only perk, you'll always smell a little from now on, love."

I smelled like the wolves? How-

"But, it wasn't even _actual_ werewolf blood, it was recreated, cloned..."

"Don't worry, love. Once I'm human I wouldn't know, I won't be able to tell." I couldn't fight the smile, and I set my lasagna aside, moving closer to him.

"And you won't be able to read minds," I pointed out, which gave him a pause. He proceeded to just shrug.

"I can't imagine that it would bother me, per se, although I might be frustrated at a start. In the end, I know that I won't miss it. At least, I hope so." He looked genuinely thoughtful as he continued to sit there in silence.

"When will you do it?" I inquired curiously.

Edward looked toward the clock next to my bed, and my eyes widened.

"I had a talk to Carlisle and Embry earlier," he explained, and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders before he pulled me into his arms. I was too shocked to protest, but the barrier of the blanket helped. The tip of his cool nose skimmed my jaw. "There's no time like the present, is there?" He brushed his smooth lips across my cheek, making me shiver. My heart fluttered lightly in my chest – it filled me with inexplicable joy – and his arms tightened around me, very gently. "That sound is like music to my ears, love." His voice caressed me and my lids fell shut when his lips left my face to travel down the side of my neck.

Someone cleared their throat, and I stiffened.

"It's time to evacuate the room," Embry said, his voice full of excitement. "Come on, chop chop. You can take Bella home while we clean and set things up. Carlisle says she is healthy enough to be discharged, however to watch out for slight mental instability." He winked at me.

"Mental instability? Nonsense. My mind is as sound as it ever was."

"Of course. I wouldn't dream to suggest otherwise," Embry said with playful sarcasm.

When Edward had me bundled up in his arms, I squinted my eyes at Embry.

"You better make sure he comes out of this alive, or I'll be Wolframiting your butt."

"Kinky – I like that." He flashed me a dirty grin and I rolled my eyes while Edward walked me out of the room, chuckling. I turned my gaze on him questioningly.

"He's a good man," he began. "But, it's strange how things go. Had it been Jacob, I probably would have skinned him alive for joking with you like that. However, I know Embry does it just for fun."

"Jacob wouldn't joke about it, he's more of a 'hands-on' kind of man," I replied jokingly, only to realize too late how it might be interpreted. My eyes widened and I gaped at Edward when he froze mid-stride. "I'm sorry, that was a really bad joke." I cringed.

He composed himself and picked up his speed. "The sooner we get you home, the better," he said stiffly and I chewed my lip. I was a complete idiot. Had I no restraint whatsoever? Being insensitive and blurting things out without thinking wasn't really my thing.

"By the way," Edward broke through my reverie as he slowed down to a walk. I could see our house now and the light from the windows streamed out into the dark night, casting its warm glow onto the ground, reflecting off the glistening snow crystals. Maybe my eyes couldn't see with such clarity right now, but the scene was beautiful anyway and it made warmth radiate in my chest. In spite of everything, this was my home, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt happy to return to it. I looked at Edward expectantly as he reached for the handle. "We tried to reign Alice in, but you know how she is." I stiffened. Please, please, _please_, I begged as he turned the handle and opened the door.

A cheer exploded. "Welcome home!"

I stared at them, standing there as we came into the living room. They were all smiling, and Nessie all but threw herself at me, her arms wrapping around my entire body. I hugged her back with all my might.

"Missed you," I whispered, my eyes filling with tears again. She laughed at me when she pulled back, wiping my cheek before placing her full palm against it. The images exploded through my unprepared brain, and it nearly made me collapse from the sheer force of it, but I held myself still. Edward's steady grip around my waist helped. Nessie showed me my transformation and by the time it was over my head was aching. I threw my arms around her again, still happy that she showed me.

"Thank you," I told her thickly.

"I think humanity suits you better," she whispered and gave me another squeeze before letting go, only to pass me off to a very exuberant Alice.

"I know you don't like presents," Alice began in her sing-song voice, and moved over to a pile of boxes on top of our coffee table.

"Alice, you shouldn't have."

"Oh, be quiet. It's winter, and it's freezing outside. You _need_ these things." She picked up a smaller box and handed it to me. "This one is from Esme and Carlisle," she said. I raised an eyebrow but removed the ribbon and opened the box, pulling out a beautiful and oh-so-soft cashmere scarf in a pale beige. Bless Esme, she knew I liked neutral colors. That wasn't all though. Beneath the scarf I found a matching pair of mittens and a beret.

"Thank you, Esme," I said and went up to her to give her a hug.

"You're welcome, dear." Esme hugged me back gently.

By the time all the boxes were unpacked and I'd been passed around to be given hugs, and the occasional jab from Emmett, I had a complete winter wardrobe. That is, by my standards. Alice said we'd go shopping when Edward was in good enough condition to leave home.

It was unreal. At this rate, we'd be looking at spending our first Christmas sitting around Esme's heavy teak dining table eating _ham_ and drinking _eggnog_. Again my head was spinning due to the overload of thoughts that I was used to processing. I slumped on a sofa, Alice fluttering around me, fussing with blankets and questions about this and that.

"Alice," I begged quietly. "Please. I understand that you are excited, but I think I'm going to faint soon. You really don't have to fuss over me. I'm fine."

Rosalie snorted and came to sit down next to me.

"I told her, but her brain is the size of a pea so she forgets, either that or she doesn't _care_," she hissed the last word at Alice, who paused to pursed her lips.

"Rather a pea brain than an empty space," she chirped, making Rosalie get off the sofa with an indignant huff and disappear into the kitchen where Esme was putting food into the fridge and freezer.

"That was mean," I scolded.

"Rose can handle it," Alice said dismissively, then studied me with a skeptical look. "Would you like some aspirin? You look like you're in pain."

I patted my stomach. "It's a bit tender from the lasagna I ate before," I explained. "I'll be fine, Alice. Thank you, but stop worrying." I would need to be careful. My system would need time to readjust. After all, it had been out of business for almost a century. Improved cell renewal or not, I was quickly learning that I'd get easily overwhelmed before I could get used to it all again. Both physically and emotionally.

"Some tea?" she persisted.

I smiled at her. She was too sweet. Pushy, but she only meant well. "That'd be lovely – thank you, Alice!" I called after her, as she'd already left the living room.

Nessie came to curl up next to me. "You're all soft and warm," she complimented contentedly, resting her head on my shoulder. "Not as warm as Jacob..." She fell silent, and the incident with Jacob popped into my mind.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

She shrugged. "Better now. I'm just worried about Jacob, I guess. Something was bothering him; I could see it in his face."

I bit my lip. "Would you mind going down there – to see if he's all right?"

"Why don't you come with me?" Nessie sat up, her face excited. "Try out your new winter clothes, get some fresh air-"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, sweetheart," I cut in, avoiding her eyes.

"Mom," she said in a low voice, drawing my name out. "We'll have to leave soon anyway. It's not like it's out of the way – what's the problem?"

"There is no problem, I just think it's best to wait."

Nessie wasn't convinced, and she poked my ribs. "Such a bad liar."

"One cup of tea coming up!" Alice held the cup out for me, and I accepted it with thanks. "I put some honey in there instead of sugar," she told me before disappearing again.

I sipped it carefully, and the sweetness of the honey felt so good on my tongue, not to mention how it felt on the way down.

"You're enjoying that way too much," Nessie teased, grinning at me.

"Am I not allowed?" I asked, but smiled in return. I took another sip and leaned back.

"You should go to California or something with dad," Nessie suggested thoughtfully, putting her head back on my shoulder. "You both need a holiday, I think."

"And a tan!" Alice called out from the kitchen.

"I used to love the sun," I recalled suddenly. "It's not a bad idea." Not that I hadn't been able to walk in the sun as a vampire, but the mere thought of getting to experience it again, to find out what it felt like as a human – I couldn't remember anymore. "Holy crap." The cup nearly slipped from my hand, but Nessie caught it just in time as I wrapped my arms around my midsection. "_Oh_." I was off the sofa, rushing to the bathroom.

Thirty minutes later I came back into the living room with a scowl on my face. "I'm glad we have a half-human daughter," I told Edward who gave me a concerned look. "Otherwise we wouldn't have installed a toilet in our home."

Nessie burst into laughter.

"Are you all right, love?" Edward asked in a soft voice.

I nodded. "Yes. Fantastic. Thank you," I replied dryly.

"Sorry, mom," Nessie apologized between fits of giggles. "But you really should have seen the look on your face."

Smirking, I sat down, but declined the cup of tea that she wanted to give back to me. "Let's not repeat that just yet. Besides, it'll be cold now, and I'd at least like to enjoy it on the way _in_."

My stomach was beyond tender. Actually, It hurt like hell. No more lasagna, I thought to myself. I wasn't sure if the spices had caused it, or the tomatoes. Perhaps both. As soon as we returned to my shack, I would have a talk to Carlisle about it. If only my mind weren't such a mess, I might figure it out myself. I felt clueless apart from the obvious: my system hadn't expected anything, empty as it had been for almost an entire century.

One by one they began to leave, making their way to my shack. It was time, and in a few hours, Edward would be human. I couldn't even begin to think about everything that it would mean. How would he cope? What would his first desire be? So many things that he'd gone without and now he would have to learn to cope with a whole new set of instincts and needs. Like eating – not lasagna, though – and sleeping. When he dreamed, what would he see? I found myself wondering if he'd remember his family. Would he feel pain from how he left this world? Would the influenza be frozen in his body or would the blood heal it, or... had the venom destroyed it?

"Bella." Edward's low voice in my ear jolted me and I let out a startled cry.

"Edward!"

He chuckled. "I'm sorry, love. I didn't mean to startle you." He gave me my favorite crooked smile and I relaxed, breathing out.

"It's all right."

He plucked my hands from my lap and brought them to his lips. "I'm going to go now," he said quietly and I could hear the nervous edge in his voice. "I love you so much and I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again. I miss you so-"

"Oh, stop it," I choked out and threw my arms around him. Again with the tears! "Leave the speech for afterward, I can't take these emotions, Edward. Please." I clung to him, breathing him in. What would he smell like? What would he _taste_ like? As soon as that thought had flitted through my brain, without warning, I attacked his neck, my lips moving across the cool expanse of his skin. He stiffened and pulled me away while I protested through my blubbering incoherence.

"Bella," he said in a serious tone. He sounded strained. "Be careful."

"I don't want to be careful, and I don't want _you_ to be careful – kiss me," I demanded and his expression was torn. I was being selfish and insensitive. For years he had probably waited for me to show my love for him and now, when he couldn't show his without restraint, I decided to demand it.

"Please," he groaned. "Don't do this now." He took a deep breath.

"Kiss me," I repeated, more desperately this time. This would be the last time I would get to taste him as he was now. I wanted a reminder, and everything inside me was screaming for it. Even if I couldn't exactly remember what he tasted like, my body, and my lips could. "Please." I begged. It was cruel and calculating, but I had to. I needed him to kiss me. With a frustrated hiss, he bowed me to him, lowering his lips carefully to mine. My heart was fluttering wildly in my chest when his cool breath washed over my face; the rush of my blood made my limbs tingle and my head spin. His mouth was so gentle against mine, and he kissed me with such controlled restraint that I groaned impatiently. I pushed against him, making my lips mash into his as I tried to run my tongue past his lips. He stiffened, a low moan vibrating in the back of his throat.

"Bella," he said thickly. "This is too much, and far too dangerous." He pushed me away, gently, and I went limp in defeat.

"I'm sorry," I said and slumped against the backrest of the sofa.

He chuckled. "Patience, love."

"I know, I know. I don't know what came over me. That was very selfish of me. I'm a hormonal teenager again, can you believe it?"

Reluctantly, he rose from the sofa, and he bent over me to kiss my forehead. I sighed, inhaling him one last time. When he turned and walked away, the ache in my chest choked off my ability to say anything back to him when he said he loved me. Once he was gone I felt hollow, empty, and fear gripped my heart. Oh God, I was going to have a panic attack. I could feel it building, the hysteria inside me, my breaths getting sucked in at closer intervals and the tingle in my body as I got the overload of oxygen. I scrambled off the sofa, running into the kitchen. They'd all left, even Nessie, but not before I'd promised to be right behind them. I had wanted some time alone. Not anymore, though. My throat was closing up and my knees were shaking. This wasn't good.

The phone clattered across the tiles when I dropped it. "_Shoot_," I choked out between pants. I was dying, wasn't I? No I wasn't. Snap out of it.

"Love, not even one minute-"

"_Can't breathe!_" I wheezed.

"Calm down, Bella. Deep, slow breaths-" The rest was cut off as the phone slipped out of my trembling hand for the second time, only this time it broke. I still couldn't breathe. Or, I could breathe but I wasn't getting enough oxygen, or was it too much?

What if something went horribly wrong and Edward really had lost his soul completely? No. That couldn't be true. He was too kind, too generous, too sweet. _Too perfect_. He couldn't possibly be without a soul. I knew that he was in touch with it, he had to be. Life wasn't life without Edward. There was no _me_ without Edward. My head was spinning out of control.

I had to go after him. There was no way I could stay here one second longer.

I scrambled off the floor, my knees barely willing to stay still. When I got to the door, I threw it open and launched myself outside into the icy chill. It bit through my tee and my jeans and I tripped, falling to my knees. My hands pushed into the freezing snow as I scrambled along the ground to get back up.

"Christ, Bella! What the hell are you doing?" The ground disappeared and the air whooshed past me. Instead of the chill of the snow, I was surrounded by sweltering heat. I gasped.

"Jacob! Put me back down! I need to go after Edward, I need to stop him – let me go!" I was struggling against him now and I caught a glimpse of his bewildered expression and his gaping mouth.

"You'll get sick," he said unevenly and carried me, kicking and screaming, back inside the house. Rage surged through my veins with such force that it didn't even occur to me that I could breathe again. "Carlisle wasn't kidding," he said quietly to himself, while trying to capture my flailing arms. "Bella, seriously, cut it out. You'll hurt yourself." He lowered me to the sofa, having momentarily given up on capturing my flailing limbs, but the moment my back hit the seats he cocked a leg over me and pinned my thighs beneath it. His rough hands locked around my wrists in a vice grip. "Dammit, Bella. What's gotten into you?" He was half straddled over me, his other foot on the floor while I tried furtively yanking my arms lose. Instead he pinned them to my sides.

"Jacob Black! Get off me or I'll give Alice permission to rip your head off!"

He guffawed. "Alice sent me here to get you," he said, looking down at me with humor.

The chaotic storm inside me dissipated as suddenly as it had appeared; Alice had seen me, and she'd sent Jacob to get me. Everything would be all right.

Only now did it dawn on me how inappropriate our positions were. Jacob's heat seeped through the barriers, and, to my complete surprise, a thrill shot down my spine, through my hips and all the way into my toes.

"Jacob," I said, my voice shaky. "Please let me get up. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. I – it's the hormones, the transformation," I babbled, "it gets the better of me – please?"

When he released my wrists and pushed off the sofa, I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt. I averted my eyes, not wanting to meet his probing gaze.

"I was _sleeping_, and I didn't have time to think about a shirt," he explained, no doubt having picked up on my discomfort about his half naked appearance. "Alice said you couldn't breathe and to get here ASAP. At least I bothered with pants." I found him grinning widely when I peered back at his face. My glance dropped, for a split second, to his pants then to the floor. "Or you'd really have something to complain about."

My head snapped up, and I stared at his arrogant face incredulously. Jacob had always been blunt, but the sexual innuendo in his words was new for him, or new to my ears, rather. It completely stunned me. I had no idea what to say or how to react. I had to remind myself that, while he was much the same, physically, he was mentally no longer a teenage boy. Nor was I a teenage girl; disregarding the current state of hormonal chaos in my body. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he had changed over the years. However it _did_ utterly shock me that my body had reacted to him. I was embarrassed. Not only about my traitorous body, but the way I had acted.

"Well," I said quietly to break the awkward silence. "I'm okay now, and I'm so sorry for losing it." While I still felt lightheaded, at least the panic was gone. Instead nerves tangled my insides as I thought about Edward. I needed to get moving.

"You don't _look _okay." Jacob sat down on the edge of the seat, keeping his distance this time, his elbows resting on his knees as he looked me over. "You could probably use some dry clothes," he suggested and nodded to my shirt which was wet from the snow I'd been crawling around in. My jeans were near soaked, especially over my knees. "Come on, Bells. Go get changed. I'll leave if you want me to."

"No, it's fine. Give me a minute." I didn't want to be alone.

He shook his head with half a smile on his lips. "You're hopeless." He got up and crossed in front of me, steering toward the hallway.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get a shirt while you get changed," he told me casually and my body relaxed. "I'll be back before you get a chance to miss me." He winked and left.

I hurried to get changed, stumbling over my own feet too many times to be counted. The coat and the shoes Alice had bought me protected me against the chill of the evening as I stepped outside the door. I didn't need to wait long before I spotted Jacob coming over the hill in a jog. If I squinted, I could see him better, not that I needed confirmation it was really him. But it would be nice if I was able to see his eyes, as I got the distinct feeling he was staring.

"Hey," he said after a brief pause. "Let's get you to your soon-to-be bloodsucker-no-more husband – y'know," we began to walk toward the forest, side by side, as I tried to keep up with his long strides, "I wanted to ask you before, and this seems like the perfect moment." He took a deep breath. "What's this long distance thing?"

My step faltered, and I nearly tripped, but Jacob's hand shot out to keep me upright. I looked up at him, even more frustrated now, that I couldn't see his eyes very well.

That conversation had risen from Edward's concerns after a minor breakdown of mine, shortly after I had woken up. From long ago I remembered that the Jacob-drawer – as I'd called it – had been firmly shut, but it had swung open again. Needless to say, I had broken down, and Edward had tried to comfort me while I'd told him I deserved to be shot. I had gotten a hold of myself, though, and stopped the ridiculous self-pity. Emotions were great to have again, but not the irrational, melodramatic behavior that some of those emotions triggered.

"It's nothing important," I answered finally. "I don't want you to go anywhere, Jacob. But, if it would be easier for you, then you should. I will understand."

"Since when do I take the easy way out, Bells?"

I sighed. "I was afraid you'd say that."

Jacob started walking, his hand – so warm and familiar – suddenly closing around mine, and I wondered how I, after all this time, after everything we had been through, could still possibly love him as much as I did? The answer came quickly: he was a part of me, and I a part of him. We always would be. Although, not what _he_ wanted us to be. I just hoped that a century had taught me to treat my best friend with better grace and understanding. The Jacob-drawer would not exist anymore, I decided; what a stupid thing to do – try and stuff all conflicts I was too much of a coward to deal with away.

"So, uh... you're not going to suggest some stupid long distance thing, then? I mean, if I could handle living around your vampire self, I'm sure I can handle myself around you-" he gestured up and down my body, "-blushing and tripping over yourself."

I couldn't help the laugh. "Yes. Well. If only for the satisfaction of poking fun at me, right?"

"Of course. What other reason would there be?"

"Beats me." I grinned.

"Plus, there is that deal we made once. You owe me a lifetime of servitude – can't take advantage of that long distance."

My heart ached. "Oh, Jake..."

A warm finger brushed my cheek where a tear made an attempt to escape. "C'mon. That was the cheesiest line I've ever delivered, Bells. Don't go all sappy on me."

"Maybe I like cheesy," I said defensively, hoping to mask the emotion in my voice.

"Hmm. Better talk to Embry, ask him where he's stashed my best friend. _You_ are an imposter."

I huffed. "Guess I'm off the hook then, lifetime of servitude and all."

Jacob's eyes narrowed as I looked up at him. "Nice try," he said finally. "Always trying to find an excuse to get away from me. Typical." The corner of his mouth twitched as he tried to hold back his smile when I frowned.

"Are you deliberately _trying_ to get to me," I asked, attempting to stay serious, which, admittedly, proved to be quite the challenge.

He looked at me with mock indignation. "Pfft. Yeah. Sure, sure. Who do you take me for?"

"A big bully, that's what," I told him, mustering my best serious face. It failed horribly, and Jacob burst out laughing at my, no doubt, ridiculous expression.

He pulled me against him without warning, his arms tightening around me so hard I could barely breathe. "_Dammit_ – I've missed you, Bella," he whispered into my hair.

"Jacob!" I gasped.

He let out a throaty laugh and let me go, only to take my hand again. "Fragile human."

"Yes. Yes I am," I said proudly. "So, go easy on the goods. I have to take care of this body now so I can live long enough to see Rosalie have babies."

Jacob looked thoughtful. "You know... with Emmett as a daddy, and Blondie as a mom – that's something I'm gonna have to stick around for. Those kids are going to be so fucked up."

"Jacob Black! Mind your language."

"Seriously, Bells. Kids need affection and attention, and she's too in love with her own reflection to care about–" my elbow shot into his side, "–okay, okay. Sorry." He smirked.

"Yes. You better be. Rose _loves_ Nessie, and doted on her more than the rest of us put together. Be nice."

"I know. Still don't like her," he said with a shrug, and I think I knew why. "Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Or, in this case, she."

"We're waiting for you," Rosalie said as she came out through the door to my shack. I hadn't even realized we were here already. She eyed Jacob's hand around mine. I'd had no intention of letting go, but, to my surprise, Jacob withdrew his and shoved it into his pocket.

"Go on, Bells. If you need anything, you know where to find me."

I didn't get a chance to even open my mouth before he took off, leaving me staring after him in confusion.

"Smells like a kennel around here," Rosalie said sourly, and I frowned at her in disapproval.

"You two _still_ behave like children," I accused.

"They do say, that when interacting with a child, to get down on their level," she said matter-of-factly.

I rolled my eyes. "I thought you just insinuated he was a dog, and now he's a child?"

Rosalie scoffed, then turned toward the door. "Maybe he's a puppy," she suggested.

"Enough, Rose. Please."

"Yes, yes. Let's get back before Alice drives everyone insane."

"What's up with her?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"She's all jittery and nervous. Jasper is actually having major trouble calming her."

My eyes narrowed. "Has she seen something?"

"She can't see anything, Bella," Rosalie said, sounding irritated. "Do I need to remind you that we are surrounded by the stench of mutts?"

Oh.

I don't know why, but something told me that everything about my life was about to be turned on its head. I could feel it as we walked through the hallway, and as we entered the room where Edward sat waiting on the bed, I made an effort to put my own resurfacing fears aside.

"Edward," I said quietly and went to his side. "I'm sorry for taking so long, I-" I cut off and threw my arms around him.

"Shh. It's all right, love. Don't worry about me. I think Alice could do with some moral support, however," he said meaningfully, just as she came into the room.

"Bella!" she exclaimed. I pulled back and eyed Edward, who gave me a meaningful look, as if to say: I told you so. Alice did look quite stressed, I noticed, when I turned to look at her.

"Can't you see anything?" I asked, unable to keep my own worries at bay.

"It's very difficult with all these wolves around," she admitted in defeat, but there was no ill intent behind her words, like with Rosalie.

"I'm sure it'll be just fine," I told her with poor conviction. I tried, but I couldn't escape the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I prayed that it was mostly just due to the lasagna, even if I knew better.

As if he had known I wanted to speak to him, Carlisle entered the room with Embry in tow.

"Edward told me you had some lasagna. I didn't get a chance to talk to you about it, but you need to be very careful with food for a while. Your digestive system needs to adjust, and in the meantime you should stay away from spices and anything with acids in it. I will give you a list of some things later." He turned to Edward. "The same goes for you, when you wake up."

"Screw that. The first thing I'm going to eat is a family sized pizza with pepperonies, garlic and _tons_ of cheese." Emmett beamed from the doorway. "_All_ by myself."

"I bet you I can eat double that without breaking a sweat," Embry boasted proudly.

Emmett deliberated. "But can you eat it without producing toxic waste?"

Embry laughed. "I'd be more worried about you desecrating the Persian rug under Esme's dining table."

"You know what-" Emmett stepped up to offer Embry his hand. "You're on." And they shook hands. "Now, can we get that dark and gloomy look off my brother's face? He's been wearing it for two centuries, and I think it's time he loosened up."

"Not too much. Or Bella might have to sleep outside while we quarantine her house." Both Embry and Emmett burst out laughing.

"Do you mind?" I asked, shooting Embry a disgusted look. "Some things should be sacred."

"Never once have I heard the word 'sacred' used while discussing shit," he replied with a casual shrug.

I folded my arms, grimacing. "Thank you for spelling it out for me, I did really need the clarification."

"You're welcome, sweetie." Embry grinned. "Anything for my partner in crime."

"Ugh."

Embry put his hands up, and assumed his business face, while going through things with Emmett. He had agreed to help keep Edward in place during the insertion of the needles, at which point I stepped out of the room. Some part of me was still a coward, and I couldn't watch Edward in pain. But as soon as everything was ready, I came back inside with Alice, who had fallen uncharacteristically quiet. What bothered me most was that she couldn't look at me throughout the entire transformation.

As the minutes ticked along, turning into hours, I started feeling immensely tired. It was past three in the morning – Edward still hadn't woken up – when it became an all out battle to fight my closing lids. All the while I sat by him, watching his complexion turn from the pale white I had been so used to, into a fair yet warm color, only slightly darker than my own.

I reached out to touch Edward's hand tentatively, marveling at the unfamiliar warmth. My head was spinning, and I steadied myself as I stood up to lean closer to his face. He looked so peaceful. Across the highest parts of his cheekbones, and his nose, were a light sprinkle of freckles. I grinned.

"Edward," I said in a gentle whisper, before adding teasingly, "You have the most adorable freckles." As I continued to study his face, and battling my fatigue, he suddenly stirred. My soft intake of breath made Carlisle and Alice come quickly to join me at his side. "I think he's coming around," I whispered, feeling both excited and apprehensive at the same time.

Alice stood so still she could really have been a statue, and I got the distinct impression that she was hiding something from me. She still hadn't looked me in the eye, and I scrutinized her strange mask of pure concentration.

While I continued to stroke Edward's hand, I glanced back at Alice's face with regular intervals, wondering when she'd let go of her intense control and talk to me.

"He should be waking up any minute now," Carlisle said, breaking through my thoughts. "Everything seems to be fine. I think there's a good chance, if there are no complications, that he'll be up and running before you know it." He turned to me, smiling his gentle and compassionate smile.

So why did I feel like something was wrong? My head wouldn't stop spinning, and I sat back down in my chair before I would collapse.

I had tried, I _really_ _had_ _tried_ to fight off my exhaustion, so it came as no major surprise when, just like that, my lids closed, leaving it impossible to open them again. I drifted, like I was floating along on some sort of cloud, while I felt a comfortable warmth enveloping me.

When I finally woke, it was to an empty bed, and I jolted upright, spinning to call for Edward. It was then that I locked gaze with his intensely green eyes.

**o~*iii*~o**


	11. Revolution Roulette

_**Disclaimer****: Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_Everybody loves the perfect solution to beat the odds against the poorest possible substitution. What you see is never what you're gonna get. Everybody's playing revolution roulette. / Poets of the Fall_

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**Revolution Roulette**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

My body refused to move, no matter how much everything inside me wanted to. As I stood there frozen, Edward's lips formed that crooked smile I loved so much, and he took a step forward.

"Edward," I managed in a breathy whisper, and it seemed to unhinge my locked limbs, allowing me to all but throw myself at him.

He caught me, faltering a step before wrapping me into his warm embrace. "Bella." His laugh was mixed with surprise and relief. "Easy, love. I'm not as steady of my feet as before."

"Oh, Edward." Tears burned behind my lids as I squeezed my eyes shut, holding him as tightly as I could. "You're warm," I blurted, finding it impossible to control the gush of emotions that engulfed me. It was new, and unfamiliar, yet it was so much the same.

His arms tightened around me. "Amazing," he breathed, then I felt him graze the tip of his nose across my cheek. "Words won't ever do this moment justice," he continued in barely a whisper. It dawned on me that this was the first time he could truly be close to my human self without restraint.

My heart swelled with joy for his sake, and I opened my eyes to look up into his. The brilliance of the green made a memory resurface; Carlisle had told me once about Edward's mother's eyes, and how beautiful they had been.

"Your eyes," was all I could get past the emotion in my throat.

All he did was smile, and then he lowered his face, my heart instantly taking flight as his warm, soft lips brushed my cheek.

"Isabella Marie Cullen, I would like to kiss you, if that would be all right?" The question was spoken softly, but with a burning intensity that made speaking futile. Instead I nodded my head, a bit too vigorously, which made him chuckle. "I love you," he whispered.

When he kissed me I felt like a woman in some really old movie from the 1950's, at the total mercy of the man who was sick and tired of waiting, and crushed his lips against hers. Not only had he possibly always wanted to kiss me this way while I was human, but it had been so long since I responded to him with such passion that his lack of control made my entire body sing.

"Get a room."

"Get out!" I retorted, even if a giddy laugh bubbled up my throat. "We have a room, and you just invaded it."

Embry shrugged with his hands up in surrender, and turned on his heel to walk back out. He paused, covering his eyes for show while half turning. "Just came to tell you that Rosalie wants you."

"Tell her the world does not revolve around her," Edward replied before I could answer, making me smack his shoulder lightly.

"And I suppose it revolves around you, does it?" I asked him, playfully raising an eyebrow.

"As a matter of fact," he said in a low voice, and pressed his lips to mine again.

"I'll get you one of those 'Do Not Disturb' tags for the door." Embry laughed and closed the door behind him.

"You and I are going to move," Edward said in a grave tone, and rested his forehead against mine. "There is always _someone_ interrupting at the most inopportune time."

I felt my eyes widen, and I pulled back to search his face. Was he serious, or just joking? "Are you serious?" I had to ask.

He nodded slowly. "Yes. I want to start living a life with you, Bella, and we can't do that with everyone dropping in whenever they see fit."

"I don't really mind," I told him honestly, and I really didn't. Once, maybe, but it was possible that I had just not really stopped to think about it. I know that we'd had our own house built, since we wanted the privacy, but now I couldn't remember _why_ that was.

"And we can't really have children out here," he said, gesturing around us. "So far from hospitals, schools and society." He spoke with such excitement that it momentarily overthrew the sudden panic that knotted my stomach.

Children?

"I..."

Edward chuckled. "Don't look so shocked, love."

"B-but, I _am_." Where did all _that_ come from? "You just woke up and decided you want to move, and then you tell me you want ch-ch-" Holy crow! "children!"

His smile was heartbreaking. "No, love. _Before_ Nessie I agonized over it, and after, I just wanted more. I spent one century wishing, and then I found the most wonderful woman, and _she_ made it all possible. Time won't change what I want, Bella."

"She?" I asked with fake indignation, pushing out of his embrace. I needed physical distance, and playing coy was better than staying there to watch the fire in his eyes as he spoke about... _children!_

I would be stuck eating pureed baby food for weeks, and here he was, talking about adding another puree-needing individual into the mix. I didn't mind babies. I did want them. But... _now?_ The room was suddenly spinning, and I could feel the early stages of a panic attack sneaking up on me.

"Love, are you all right?" His brows pulled together in concern as I peered at his face, and he took my arm to guide me down on the bed.

"Uh huh." I nodded. "I'm great. A little overwhelmed, but just fine. Don't worry." I am _not_ great! This was too much. Too much, too soon. Not that I couldn't see it, and not that I couldn't imagine it, but I had expected – what?

Of course Edward would want more kids. It made perfect sense, and why would he wait to say it? He was excited, and no doubt, while my mind freaked out about things that were completely natural, his probably filled with all the possibilities this new life had to offer.

I was his _wife_, and he – he was from a time when family was a focal point in society. I was a smart woman, it shouldn't come as a surprise. It shouldn't even shock me. Had he not shown exactly how important these things were to him, when he had insisted on marriage?

"It doesn't have to happen now, or even in a year – Bella," he said softly, taking my hands in his. "We have our whole lives ahead of us, and I am in no hurry. I'm sorry, it probably was a bit too much."

No – yes. It was and it wasn't. He would be experiencing the curse of hormones, just as much as I was. I took a deep breath, reeling in my rampant emotions.

"I understand, Edward. I really do. Yes, it did overwhelm me a little" – a _little_? – "but it's fine. I do want that too, but not yet. Not for a long while yet. There is still so much to deal with-" I paused, placing my palm gently against his cheek. "One thing at a time, okay? How about we start by looking at a nice town, or even houses, or education, or – or... something like that?" This answer seemed more than okay, and he gave me jubilant smile.

A billion nerves tangled in my stomach at the thought of moving away from this place, but at the same time it was an exciting prospect. One I could handle, too. Babies would have to wait until I could actually hold a conversation about it without starting to hyperventilate.

The first chance I got, I needed to get my hands on some contraception. I wasn't sure the pill would be a good idea while my hormones were in chaos, so the least invasive option would have to do for now. It hit me then, that Edward would never have worn a condom. They didn't have them back then, as far as I knew, but if they did, I was sure it was taboo.

As my mind wandered in that direction a blush crept into my cheeks, making Edward eye me curiously.

"What are you thinking?" he asked as my eyes met his.

"Um."

The corner of his mouth pulled his lips into a crooked smile, causing my heart to flutter, and when I didn't continue he looked me up and down, as if he suddenly realized something. At the same time my brain caught up to the fact that he couldn't hear the state of my heart.

"Ah," he breathed, then proceeded to stroke his fingertips across the heat in my cheeks. "I will have to learn this all over again."

I wasn't sure what, exactly, he meant by that, but, as his hand continued down my neck, my breath caught in my throat. "Edward," I managed in an unsteady voice.

"Yes, love?" His eyes held mine, and I didn't need anymore cues to tell what might possibly be on his mind.

"There are-" The rest drowned in the mix of our lips and tongues, and he lowered me on the bed, while his hands sought out skin beneath my shirt.

My mind went completely blank, caught off guard by his uncharacteristic behavior, but I relished in the tingles that shot through my highly sensitive nervous system. All too soon he pulled back though, our breathing ragged, and he stared at me, slightly flushed.

"Perhaps not the best place," he said apologetically, and I noticed also that the tips of his ears were pink. I couldn't help but burst into giggles, making him flush more.

"Oh, Edward," I choked out between fits. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I just-"

"It's all right, love," he said, grinning.

There was a knock on the door, and we turned while Edward called out for the person to enter. It was Carlisle. His eyes wandered between us, then he smiled.

"I want to draw some blood, to make sure everything's in order," he told us, and Edward shifted uncomfortably next to me. I stared at him. Was he scared of needles?

"Not a word, love," he ordered, but the corner of his mouth twitched slightly, telling me he wasn't all that bothered. Or, maybe he just didn't want to let on?

I, myself, wasn't a fan of blood, although I hadn't exactly wanted to find out if my aversion to it had settled permanently after all my years as a vampire. Suffice to say, I wouldn't put it to the test just yet. I gave Edward a quick peck on the cheek, telling him that I would go make us something to eat. Carlisle sent me past my office first to pick up a list with safe ingredients he had put together for me.

Embry kept studying me as I read through the list. I grimaced at some of the suggestions, but was actually looking forward to cooking something for me and Edward.

"How are you feeling?" Embry asked as I got up to leave. The question puzzled me, but, just as I opened my mouth to answer, it dawned on me that I felt incredibly light.

"I feel great," I announced happily. "Much better than early this morning – my head wouldn't stop spinning." My eyes narrowed as I regarded his thoughtful expression. "Why do you ask?"

He deliberated a moment before answering. "There's something different about you, I am getting very clear vibes. I ask because the difference is really big, compared to yesterday."

"Vibes?" I asked, confused.

With his arms folded across his chest he sat down on the edge of my desk. "Yeah. Vibes. Your energy..." he trailed off, gauging my reaction expectantly, as if he waited for me to tell him something.

"Huh." I didn't know what to say. "Well," I hedged, thinking of all the things that had happened that would make me seem different. "Edward is human, and there were no complications whatsoever. That, alone, has lifted a huge weight off my chest. Is that what you mean?"

"I don't know." He shrugged. "I just sense a change, even if I wouldn't have a clue what caused it. It's a _good_ thing though, so don't go all pouty on me." Embry grinned.

"I'm not pouting," I said defensively, a smile working its way onto my lips.

"That's what I'm talking about, right there."

I laughed. "It just happened," I offered, shrugging. "Are you suggesting that smiling isn't my thing?" While asking it, I knew that it wasn't, or it hadn't been. At least, not that I could remember.

"Go make some mashed potatoes before the baby starts crying."

My smile disappeared, as I remembered Edward's talk of starting a family. We already had one. We had Nessie, I justified. What I wanted, really wanted, was to go back to school. Get a degree the proper way, and get a taste of college life. Instantly the smile was back, and I stepped up to Embry, giving his cheek a peck.

"Thank you," I told him earnestly, then left, leaving Embry staring, his eyes all but popping out of his head.

He was right. Something had changed, and I would like to think that it was all Edward, but deep inside I knew that it wasn't. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I decided that I wouldn't analyze it, at least not now. I just felt genuinely good, for no other reason than just that.

That good feeling stayed, all the way home. I was exhausted when I walked in the door, but it didn't deter me, and I started rummaging through the cabinets and pantry as soon as I had slipped out of my shoes, and flung my jacket over a chair.

I found some white fish in the freezer, and got started on peeling potatoes while it defrosted in the microwave. Esme had restocked the entire kitchen after Carlisle had found out about the lasagna, and I made a mental note to thank her when I saw her next.

The fish was in the oven with some freshly cut dill and milk when I started looking through the cabinets for something to mash the potatoes with.

"Bella?" came Jacob's voice from down the hallway.

"In the kitchen!" I called out, pausing in my hunt to peek over the counter as Jacob came into view. I flashed him a big grin before diving back into the cabinet. "I'm trying to find something to mash potatoes with, but-" I let out a grunt, reaching all the way into the back when I spotted what I was looking for. "Got it – ow, oh, shoot!" A large bowl fell out and landed on my toe.

When I finally had gotten the kitchen hand mixer out, I stood up and placed it proudly on the counter. "You, my friend, will be christened today," I said and started scratching off a sticker from the bowl, my eyes lifting finally to look at Jacob who still hadn't said anything. As I watched his incredulous expression I lowered my eyes to the mixer. "Um. Yeah. I'm excited about cooking." Then I grinned, and looked back at him, shrugging. "If I'd known you were coming I would've just asked you to do the mashing by hand..." My eyes narrowed. "Is something wrong?" I asked, suddenly suspicious of his uncharacteristic silence.

"Uh – no," he said, his voice thick and uneven. "I just – it's uh... nice to see you" – silence – "so happy," he finished in a way that gave me the impression he had downplayed it by a mile.

"Aw, Jake." I wiped my hands on the apron I had dug out earlier, while rounding the counter, and walked over to sneak my arms around his waist. He tensed up, if only for a split second, then I felt his breath fan across the top of my head as his arms came around me. "Hey, I missed you," I whispered into his shirt. And I had. More than I had known, I realized now as his arms tightened around me.

I was almost certain he cussed under his breath, but I was too distracted by the sound of his heart: it was racing. There was a brief silence, then I heard him swallow.

"Missed you, too, honey," he said, barely audible.

"What's up?" I asked, still talking into the warmth of his chest.

"Just ah, wanted to come see how you were doing."

Since he made no attempt to let me go, I turned my face so I could look up at him. At first he wouldn't look at me, and whatever invisible spot he'd found sufficed as an anchor for his eyes until I reached up to turn his face. That's when I realized why he had been reluctant to look at me: his eyes held traces of hard fought-against tears.

"Jacob," I whispered, feeling my throat tighten. "What's wrong?"

A wistful smile played on his full lips, and he shook his head, as if in disbelief, as he continued gazing at me. "You know I love you, right?"

I nodded, having forgotten how to swallow. "Yes. And I love you too, Jake. You know I do, just-" He caught my lips between his thumb and forefinger.

"And you know that I want nothing more than for you to be happy, yeah?"

This time I just nodded, as he still had my lips pinched together.

"Whatever that means," he said, swallowing again before continuing in a tight voice, "I'll always support that. You'll always have me, any part, in whichever way. You're my best friend, Bells."

I blinked away the tears that made his face all blurry, and he released my mouth to gently frame my face in his big hands. The intensity in his warm eyes burned right through me, and all I could do was to stand there, waiting for him to find whatever his searching gaze was looking for. Then, ever so carefully, he lowered his face to press his soft lips against my forehead. Of course, I would be lying to myself if some small part of me wasn't just a tinge disappointed, because I did love him more than I should. Sometimes, however, life just isn't that easy. Ultimately, I felt nothing but warmth and a sense of peace in this moment. We didn't need words for the other to know how we felt, and I hoped that, in time, we would find our way back to what we once had.

"You're my best man, Jacob," I said finally, when I was able to speak again, and one of his brows quirked.

"Yeah," he said, smirking now. "I already knew that." With a wink he released me and walked over to the counter. "So uh, want a hand with this?" He didn't look too enthusiastic about it, which made me laugh.

The timer on the oven clicked, then let out a horrible ringing sound, and I dashed to turn it off, grimacing when I turned to grin at Jacob.

"You could always get that out for me," I suggested. "And I'll get these potatoes nice and fluffy."

"Got it." He moved toward the oven while I got the mixer going.

Dinner would have only taken half the time to finish hadn't Jacob been there. We ended up discussing the upcoming cuisine that would be served for a fair few weeks to come. Jacob, on more than one occasion, admitted that he would be all too tempted to slip some curry or paprika into Rosalie's food when she wasn't looking. That was until, by accident, I let it slip that I'd experienced the side effects of spices first hand, at which point he fell silent. Not because he seemed thoroughly grossed out, which I think he should have been. If anything he looked too thoughtful, as if figuring out all the ways he could make Rosalie suffer.

"The blonde jokes got old real fast," came his excuse. "Something's gotta give."

"How about forgiving her?"

I may as well have spoken Chinese; he stared at me incomprehensibly. "What would be the fun in that?"

"Oh. I don't know. I just thought it might be time to let it go, maybe?" I suggested, placing the containers with food in a backpack.

"Nah. And ruin all my fun? Besides" – he leaned toward me over the counter, a cocky smile on his face – "she secretly loves it. We've got this thing going, you see. Plus, to Blondie, any attention is good attention."

"You're delusional."

He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "Yep. Pretty much."

"Are you going to behave?" I asked, swinging the bag over my shoulder, and he gave me a suspicious look.

"Why? Are you going to threaten me?" One corner of his mouth lifted.

"Ugh – no. I was going to ask you to come with me, but if you can't act like a decent member of civilized society, then..." I shrugged and went for the door.

"Why would I? I don't see civilization around here anywhere, Bells. Do you?"

"Definitely not at the moment, no," I said and winked.

"Ha. Smartypants."

"I've learned from the best."

"At least you learned something." I kicked his leg with my heel. "That's my girl." He smiled down at me, and I huffed while sliding my feet into my shoes and pulling my coat on.

Jacob came with me to keep me company, and we continued our banter for the entire trip. A small twinge of sadness came over me as I remembered Edward's and my conversation about finding our own place away from here. I found myself wondering where Jacob would go, and how often I would see him. When I looked at it like that, slight apprehension churned in my stomach. For all this time we had lived so close, yet we hadn't been able to spend time together like this. But, I reminded myself, there would be plenty of time to make up for it.

Just because we wouldn't live so close anymore, wouldn't mean that we couldn't stay in touch. I fought, tooth and nail, to keep it inside, but in the end I couldn't.

"Edward wants to move away from the farm."

I felt his steps falter, but he caught himself quickly. "Understandable. You don't have much privacy here," he allowed matter-of-factly. Then added, "Where will you go?"

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "To tell you the truth, I don't feel we need to move, but, um – this isn't the place to stay if we want to rejoin the world of the living," I finished lamely. For some reason I just couldn't form the words Edward had mentioned earlier in front of Jacob. That wouldn't be fair – to either of us. "And I'd like to go to college," I added quickly, before it became too obvious that I was hiding something. Knowing Jacob, though, he probably knew already. He was good at that. "I want to stay in Alaska. I like it here." Which I did. All I could do was to wait and see; we couldn't go anywhere until I'd seen to it that Rosalie's transformation had been a success.

"Alaska is a pretty big state – how about Anchorage? They've got a good college."

I glanced at Jacob. "How do you know that?"

He shrugged. "I have a business, Bella. It's not like I haven't been around."

My cheeks prickled. "Ah yes, I'm sorry. Of course." I hadn't forgotten about it, but each hour passing, being a human again, reminded me of how truly and completely I hadn't paid much attention to the people around me. "How _is_ the business going?" I asked, genuinely interested. When had I last asked? I couldn't remember. There were too many things I didn't remember, especially things about every day life.

"I'm swamped, but I've gotta make sure you get to the bunker without getting eaten by bears," he said jokingly, offering me a wide grin.

"I doubt any bears would dare approach the property, but, thank you." I smiled. "_Oh_." Jacob stopped as I suddenly froze.

"Bella?" he asked, worry written all over his face.

I stared at him. "You re-built my truck!" I exclaimed and threw my arms around him. When would things stop popping into my head without a cued thought? Jacob wrapped me up in a hug while his chest rumbled with laughter.

"Jeez, Bells. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry," I mumbled, sighing inwardly at the tears that wouldn't be controlled. "Thank you, Jake. I love it. We'll have to take it for a spin some day," I vowed before pulling back.

"I knew you loved it."

"Apparently, I didn't – I'm really, _really_ sorry for everything. I know, I keep saying sorry, and I apologize and half the time I need to just _shut up_ but I mean it, Jake, I really do. I _will_ make it up to you. Hereby," I paused, placing my hand flat over my heart, "I solemnly swear that I will be the best friend a werewolf could _ever_ have!"

"Had to put the werewolf part in there, didn't you, honey?"

"Yes, well. It comes with some added requirements, which, let's face it, not _everyone_ has the skills to handle." I winked at his amused expression. As if to remind me of exactly what that might entail, he scooped me up and started walking. "Jake!" I gasped.

"Better get you back to your husband before they send out a search party." He gave a casual shrug, but his arms around me tightened just that little bit more than they should. And, of course, it _felt_ just that little bit nicer than it should. Like this was where I belonged. Too.

"Jake," I started, having no clue how to word what I wanted to tell him. He was my best friend, though. He deserved to hear what I had to say.

"Yeah?"

My eyes focused on the forest around us. The bark on the trees, the mossy branches on the ground that poked up through the snow. "You know, I never was a firm believer in marriage – because of Charlie and Renée. But it wasn't only that; I think half the time people get married just because it's what they're supposed to do. Like, just another part of society's charade; to hang a pretty portrait on the wall to show the grandkids. The thing is: marriage is a promise, Jake. It's a promise you make, not only in front of God, but in front of your family, to love and honor one another 'til death do you part."

His walk slowed, but he didn't stop.

"You might be angry with me, and frustrated, because you know that I love you, too, just as much as I love Edward, but, Jake – I made a commitment. I made a _promise_. And maybe I was wrong, and maybe I will fail – heck, maybe I was just too damn young in the first place to know what I was doing, but at the end of the day I did walk down that aisle, I spoke those vows and _promised_ to love him and to honor him until death do us part. I _can't_ just walk away. I _have_ to _try_. The sad part about it is that I was with him for a century, but somewhere along the way I got lost, and never actually got to do any of the things I promised I would."

Jacob had stopped now, and I turned my head slowly to look at him. His expression told me that he was fighting himself; the way his jaw clenched told me how he was trying so hard to keep everything from me that he wanted to say. He was always fighting for something, or against something, or someone, and it wasn't fair.

I didn't know what the future held, for either of us, I hardly knew what my past looked like. I couldn't remember half of it, but what I did remember made me cringe inwardly at all the years I'd allowed to slip by. I should have been happy, but I couldn't even remember any feelings to tell me one way or the other.

"Bells," he said thickly, and I wiped furtively at my tears, leaving wet splotches on the sleeves of my coat.

"I really was dead, Jake, but now I'm alive – I'm here, and I feel and love, and it just _hurts_ that you fought so hard for me – so did Edward, while I – I just tagged along. I don't want to be one of those people with a portrait on the wall, Jake, I just don't. I'm better than that, I can do _so much better_ than what I have, and I will."

"Bella, honey – I understand. You don't have to explain, because I get it. I do. Just-" he swallowed "-be happy, 'kay? That's all I want. If it's with him, then so be it. I just – _can't_ see you hurting, Bells, I just can't. It kills me."

I threw my arms around his neck, squeezing with all my might. "It'll get better, Jake. One day it _has_ to get better." Warmth whispered against my neck as he buried his face there. It _had_ to stop hurting. One day. The way we loved each other would make sense. It would. It _had to_. I just didn't know how or when. But it would. "I want you to be happy, too, I really do."

"I love you _so much_, Bella, I – _fuck_-" I felt him bite back the rest, and it was almost too much. Be strong, I told myself sharply, and tried to crane my neck to see him but he wouldn't let me go. "Give me a minute, Bells – just" – a shudder went through him – "_Christ_... okay."

"Jake?" I asked softly.

He took a deep breath. "Yeah. I'm good," he said in a shaky voice but loosened his grip on me.

I pulled back hesitantly, studying his strange expression. "Are you sure?"

"Yep."

My brows rose in question, but he offered me a smile, halfhearted as it was. "And you tell _me_ I'm a terrible liar."

"Because you are," he stated simply.

I rolled my eyes. "Okay. But I know you're lying," I said with disapproval.

"Nope."

"You're stubborn."

"And you're not?"

"Not more than you."

"'Course not."

"Ugh."

He gave me a smirk, then started walking again. "So, is Blondie going next?"

"Rosalie," I corrected.

"Sure, sure. Whatever."

I sighed. "Possibly. Maybe. Why?"

"No reason," he said with a shrug.

"_Sure, sure_," I mimicked, folding my arms like a petulant child.

"C'mon, Bells. You know that pouting is unbecoming of a woman your age."

"I just woke up after a century of being frozen, I have the rampant hormones of a teenager, I'm hungry, and _you_ are holding the longest grudge in history – I'm allowed."

"The terrible two's came to mind just now, but – whatever you say, honey."

I smacked his shoulder. "Says the man who wants to poison someone with spices."

"It's called getting even."

"It's called _bullying_."

He sighed dramatically. "Take away _all_ my fun. Soon all that'll be left is to chase my own tail."

A laugh bubbled up my throat. "Now _that_ would be fun to watch."

"Had a bet with Quil and Embry once. We were running patrol back when-" he cut himself off, shuddered, but continued. "Anyways. So we got bored, and Quil made this bet – don't ask, by the way – that while Embry and I might be better at the whole controlling the wolf thing, _he_ could" – Jacob laughed – "chase his own tail and still run in a straight line afterward.

"Total bullshit, we said, so he had to prove us wrong. Well, okay. So he started running, 'round and 'round, but the thing was" – he laughed again, trying hard to contain the chortling so he could speak – "not only did he make himself dizzy, but it threw me and Embry off our balance too. When it was time for him to actually take off in a straight line, he ended up phasing back instead and puking his guts up."

I stared at him.

"Aw, c'mon, Bells," he said, grinning at me. "I could be telling you a dozen other Quil-induced-idiocy stories. This one's kinda tame, actually."

"Maybe it wouldn't be so much fun to watch, after all," I finally said, which made him laugh again. "Although, the mental image I got of you and Embry stumbling around – _that_ was fun." I returned his grin.

"Well, this is your stop. Let me just check the meter, and I'll-" I leaned in to kiss his cheek lightly "-yeah. That works too."

"Thanks," I told him as he put me down. "It was good to talk, Jake."

"Yep. And whenever you want, really, just – don't think you can't, 'kay?"

I nodded. "Same goes for you," I told him in earnest. "I better get in there."

"Give my best to Blondie, tell her I'll be waiting." He winked.

"I think you've got a secret crush on her, really, it's _obvious_."

"Of course. It's a love-hate thing. I'm glad you're taking it so well, actually. I was expecting at least a _little_ bit of jealousy, but-" he shrugged. "I'd ask you to come to the wedding, but there won't be any space left. Think about it – she and I, her mirror and my ego. Nope. Sorry to say, honey, it just won't work."

It was impossible to keep a straight face. "That was disturbing, Jacob. Really. It was." But I still couldn't hold back my laugh.

"Not as disturbing as the image I just got in my head." The color in his face looked slightly off, and he shivered. "So wrong," was all he said.

"Don't want to know," I told him firmly.

"Yeah," he breathed. "Could've done without that one." After he'd composed himself he gave me a grin. "Go, go. You know where to find me." Then he turned and left.

I was still smiling when I came into the room, only to find it empty. "Edward?" I called out while walking down the hallway toward my office. Carlisle and Edward looked up as I stepped into the office. Rosalie was sitting on the sofa with papers in her hand, reading intently.

"Hey, Rose," I said, letting the bag slip off my shoulder as I sat down on the edge of the seat next to her.

She wrinkled her nose. "The sooner we get this done, the better."

I sighed. "I think I agree." The way they carried on and on about each other's odors was really old. "How about Emmett?" I asked, unzipping the bag to pull out the food, showing Edward who came to take containers off me. "Is he ready for it?"

"He can't stop talking about all the stupid things he wants to do. Who, _really_, would be excited about something that will make you spend hours on the toilet?" Her face screwed up into a grimace worse than when Jacob or Embry was in the room.

"Emmett," Edward stated the obvious.

"But he _knows_ it won't be good for him, so why-"

"Because he's _Emmett_," I reiterated. "Let him do it. He'll regret it after one slice."

"Don't be so certain, love. Emmett has been quite persistent." Edward put the mashed potatoes into the microwave that I had gotten for Embry's sake.

"Where is he?" I asked.

"Hunting with Jasper," Rosalie answered, turning the page of her stack.

"What about Embry?"

"Went to eat," Edward said and came to sit next to me. "He said he will be back within the hour to help with Rosalie." He smiled, putting his hand over mine to give it a gentle squeeze.

"How about you? Are you ready to try some food?"

"He is. His stomach has been growling," Rosalie said, as if it had been greatly irritating.

Edward chuckled. "It has, but I don't feel hungry."

"Of _course_ you don't," she snapped. "You've been living on a completely different diet for almost two-hundred years."

"She's nervous," Carlisle broke in gently, his kind eyes on her when she let out a frustrated noise and rolled her eyes.

"_And_ hungry."

Carlisle gave her a sympathetic smile. "You can't hunt, Rosalie. You will feel sick the moment your stomach starts working. You might even throw up, and that could cause problems if you're not fully awake."

The microwave gave out a _pling_, and I rose to get the potatoes out, replacing it with the fish. I turned to Rosalie with a grin.

"You'll get to eat when you wake up," I told her, holding out the container. "Yummy potatoes." I winked.

"Get that horrid smelling stuff out of here," she sneered, making me laugh.

"Aw. I'm sorry, Rose. It'll be fine. _You'll_ be fine," I promised, trying to reassure her.

"Yes, yes." She got up, walking out of the room. "Let me know when they're back," she called out from the hallway.

I slumped my shoulders. "Poor Rose. I hope Emmett doesn't give her too much of a hard time."

"You say that like there is the possibility of hope. Love, Emmett is like a big kid, and he'll relish in all the new ways he can wind her up. Save your hopes for something worth the effort." Edward got up to place a kiss at my temple.

"I thought that was the whole thing with hope; it's reserved for uncertain situations and outcomes; _hopeless_ being invented for cases such as Rosalie and Jacob, who just _can't_ seem to stop complaining about smells. Now _that_ wouldn't be worth the effort of hope. They hate each other with a passion."

"That's one way of looking at it, I suppose," he said thoughtfully, and I watched him as he walked up to one of the bookshelves to look at all the books I had accumulated over the years. "You should pursue this, love. Even if your mission is accomplished, you seem to have a natural affinity for it."

I joined him, letting my fingertips graze the first medical textbook on cell structure. It had taken me only a few days to read through the entire nine-hundred something pages, but now I could barely remember any of it.

"Maybe." I wanted to study, go to college and get myself a degree, but I hadn't thought about exactly _what_. Yet. "What about you? Do you want to study?" I asked absentmindedly while trying to think about what I might possibly want to do.

"Music," he said almost instantly. "They have a program in Anchorage, as well as a good college if you want to study."

I smiled. "Jacob said that, too." Edward glanced at me, and I met the brilliant green of his questioning eyes. "He kept me company on the way here," I explained. "And I mentioned that I wanted to study. He suggested a college in Anchorage," I continued, while returning to the microwave to take the fish out. "Maybe," I hedged carefully, gauging Edward's reaction, "we should have a look at a place in Anchorage?"

"Because it's what you want, or because he suggested it?" His tone was slightly defensive, and I wondered if I should have kept my big mouth closed.

"Why would I choose something because he suggested it? Sure, it got me thinking, but you mentioned it yourself just now. If it has a music program, too, then... why not?"

The slight tension in his face smoothed and he gave me a smile. "Forgive me, love. Anchorage sounds like a good place to start – now, how about we try some of that fish?"

"It's no masterpiece, but the plumbing will be safe." I bit my lip, trying not to laugh as he raised an eyebrow, looking none too impressed. "Sorry. I blame it on the overload of juvenile jokes lately."

"I'll say," was all he said.

While Edward and I ate – very slowly, and carefully – we researched the city of Anchorage and its surroundings. Not only was it a beautiful city with all those mountains as a backdrop, but it was clean and quiet, which, to Edward, was important. I had never really thought of a city and wondered if it was clean or not, however he didn't mean it quite so literally.

Just as I finished printing out the application forms for the University of Alaska, Embry came back with Rosalie and Emmett in tow. If Rosalie had been nervous before, she was a wreck now, making her nearly impossible to reason with. Emmett, on the other hand, was ecstatic, which only aggravated Rosalie more. I tried my best to soothe her, but when the time came for the needles, while I didn't walk out, I wished I had. Surprisingly, the needles nor the blood bothered me, but Rosalie's shrieks made bells go off in my head. Embry, as usual, wasn't fazed, and he winked at me as she quieted down.

We all stayed, and in the end Esme, Alice and Jasper turned up as well, to wait for Rosalie to wake up. Immortality might perfect the features of a human, but when it came to Rosalie she really just was _that_ beautiful naturally. If anything, once her heart and lungs became strong enough to chase away the ashy complexion, I had to admit that the beauty she'd had as a vampire didn't even come close to the impression her living self made.

Emmett, we thought, felt the same, until Jasper, not one moment too soon, stepped in to help Carlisle and Embry drag our brother out of the room. It was quite fitting that Rosalie would turn out to be his singer.

"He'll appreciate the hardships you went through," Alice said to Edward who couldn't keep the smirk off his face.

"I doubt it, Alice. He'll just use it to come up with inappropriate jokes."

"If he remembers," Carisle said as he came through the door. "He needs the cure more than ever now."

"Is it that bad?" I asked in a whisper, glancing nervously toward the door.

"Restraint isn't one of his qualities, love," Edward said, putting an arm around my shoulders. "And while I can somewhat imagine what he is going through right now, Carlisle has a point. I don't remember the obsession or the compulsion. Honestly, I think it's a part of us that can only be fathomed by a mind thirsting for blood."

"So, you're not obsessed with me anymore," I countered playfully.

"It isn't quite the same," he said, his face smooth and serious. "It's not _painful_ to be near you anymore, love. It is as it should be: _immensely _pleasant."

"I'm glad." I reached up to kiss his jaw, then whispered into his ear, "As I plan to get a _lot_ closer later."

"There are still some of us that have exceptional hearing," Alice reminded me, making me jump.

Heat flooded my face. "Um. Sorry." I bit my lip.

Edward cleared his throat. "Yes, well – actually. I could use a nap. How about you?" He turned to me, the look in his eyes giving me no other option but to nod.

_Shoot._ Where was a twenty-four hour pharmacy when I needed one?

**o~*iii*~o**


	12. Stay

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_**Author's Note: **It's only fair to give due warning. This chapter is long and will provoke your sanity._

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_My whole life, waiting for the right time, to tell you how I feel. And though I tried to tell you that I need you, here I am without you, I feel so lost, but what can I do? And I wonder if you know, how it feels to let you go? / HURTS_

* * *

**Stay**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2103**_

I had been set on keeping to myself. Work on my cars – do my job, because I still had a business to take care of; _responsibilities_. But it never was that easy around here. As much as I tried to just do what I had to to keep my sanity, I _always_ ended up shoving my own peace of mind to the side. Was it because it had become a habit? Or because I loved pain? _Or_ was I just a complete freaking moron? Maybe a combination of all three.

Either way, the end result was the same. They called, and I came running, like the obedient guard dog and servant that I was.

It wasn't that I was bitter, not at all. Ultimately, I was just a sucker for Bella. Any excuse to see her and I'd take it, arms wide open. Even if it hurt me. Even if I was constantly reminded of exactly _why_ I was here, and the chain of events that had set it all in motion – it's not like I forgot _where_ I was, or _who_ I was because of it, or that I was surrounded by vampires, because they never sleep, and suck the poor wildlife dry, and absolutely fucking _stink_, but...

…I really wasn't bitter.

Bella was fixing all that. Not only was she human again, but her control freak of a husband was probably breathing by now too. Actually breathing, because he had reason to do it, instead of pretending. And _boy_ was I sick and tired of all the pretending. Not that it stopped me, even if I'd told myself: enough is enough. I still did it for her, didn't I?

But, yeah. No. I wasn't bitter.

The bolt got away from me and the spring launched itself over my shoulder. "Aw, _crap_." What the hell was wrong with me today? I _had_ made a promise to myself, damn it: to stop it with the charades, for starters – which I was _totally not bitter_ about – but also to give her space, allow her to breathe. _But,_ also, _I_ needed some _peace _and_ quiet_. A deadline was coming up, and the car I was working on at the moment wouldn't get fixed all by itself. So _why_ couldn't I just _focus?_ Where did this – this... _need_ to go find Bella and make sure she was okay come from? It was _a lot_ worse than usual.

Yeah, _I knew_ her husband must have, by now, rejoined the world of the living, and – I had to face it – they were probably all happy and smiles and... _stuff_ that I just couldn't think about without nearly losing it. Nearly. But I didn't. Even if I _wanted_ to just—

I stared at the engine I was hunched over, taking a deep breath.

It should be easy, but it wasn't. After all this time, I should be over it, but I wasn't. She shouldn't make me want her, but she _did_. My heart shouldn't skip a beat at the thought of her smile, her laugh, the way her eyes wandered to the floor whenever she caught herself looking at me the way I wanted her to, and I _wished_ I could just _stop _thinking about her.

But I _couldn't..._

...and it didn't make me bitter.

"Screw it," I cursed under my breath, throwing obscenities around as I started returning tools to their respective places. If I wasn't getting any work done – because my mind was all _go see her, go see her, go see her_ – I may as well give in to the urge and torture myself some more.

So much for my promises – I always managed to keep my promises to everyone else, but when it came to myself I was the most deceitful jackass in the history of... all existence.

As I got closer to their cute little home it got worse. Just like the junkie who knew he was about to get his daily dose – I'd have to make the most of it, because the supply was limited – I all but yanked the door off its hinges, anticipation making my chest tighten.

"Bella?"

"In the kitchen!"

The shoes came off as I strode down the hallway – _jeez_, I had it bad. It was like a compulsion. Actually, now when I really thought about it, it kind of dawned on me what it reminded me of: the intense pull I'd felt that day I – _oh, holy Mary mother of—_

This was _not _happening.

But it was too late.

I couldn't make myself stop.

Or turn.

Bella appeared briefly to flash a huge grin at me over the counter, and I didn't even get a chance to defend myself against it before my body was shocked into complete submission – the whole _world_ came apart as something inside me shifted...and... I just came undone. The blood rushed through my veins, thundering in my ears like waves crashing against cliffs, and through it I heard her talking.

"_I'm trying to find something to mash potatoes with, but—_" a groan, "_Got it—_" a thud, "_ow, oh, shoot!_"

She reappeared, putting something in front of her on the counter.

"_You, my friend, will be christened today_." My gaze was fixated on her face, and I could only stare as her eyes finally met mine – I felt thoroughly_ messed up_ – and she looked down. "_Um. Yeah. I'm excited about cooking_." She grinned and lifted her eyes again. _Snap_ _out of it_, I shouted from somewhere inside my screwed up head. "_If I'd known you were coming I would've just asked you to do the mashing by hand_..." Her warm eyes narrowed, and she was _so beautiful_, and I was going to cry like a baby if I couldn't reel it all in. "_Is something wrong_?" she asked, full of suspicion. _Naturally_. I was staring at her like an idiot, and I needed to _answer_. If I could just find my voice. I was afraid it wouldn't carry through the lump in my throat, though, and I'd instead end up making choking noises.

"Uh – no," I said finally. So much for getting it together. I wasn't actually choking, but it was close, and I had to fight for dominance over the words coming out of my mouth. "I just – it's uh... nice to see you" – and I'm completely in love with you...but you're not mine, so – "so happy."

I was giving myself some _serious_, emotional whiplash.

"Aw, Jake." She started moving and I all but freaked out. _Please don't touch, or hug, or—_

Then her tiny little arms snaked around my waist and I thought I'd lose it. Right then and there. She was so _warm_, and my stupid heart exploded into a frantic race as I wrapped my arms around her_._

"Hey, I missed you." Her soft whisper flowed right through me, and I just wanted her closer. _Goddammit_, I was going to cry. Shit, shit, _shit_. Keep it together, keep it—

—_fuck._

"Missed you, too, honey," I managed to whisper, but I barely heard it myself. Did _she_ hear that? I was a girl. I needed a tutu, leotards and pink ribbons.

"What's up?" She asked, and I had to bite my tongue so hard I could taste blood.

_I just imp_- _shut up, shut up, shuttup!_

"Just ah, wanted to come see how you were doing."

_There's a good boy. See? Not so hard, is it? You can do this. You better do this, or you'll screw it all up._ My inner self was begging for a flogging, but I knew that there was no way I could or _would_ tell her I just imprinted on her. I needed to wrap my head around it, and it just plain sucked because I could feel _everything. _But I _would not_ tell her. It tore me up inside, and I needed to stop thinking and just...be what she needed. _Screw you!_

Then her small hand touched my face and I _had_ to look at her. Even if my eyes were wet and she'd know something was up.

"Jacob," she whispered thickly. "What's wrong?"

Wrong. This was all wrong when it could be so right – _should_ be so right. It _was_ right. Not wrong. _Fuck_. I tried a smile that didn't feel the way I wanted it to, shaking my head as I decided to take control before it was taken from me. _Too late, numbnuts. Christ_.

"You know I love you, right?" I began.

Her large, brown eyes held everything I'd ever wanted, and everything I couldn't have. But she still had me. And, as she kept her sad gaze on me, she nodded and told me what I already knew. "Yes. And I love you too, Jake. You know I do, just—" I pinched her lips together. She always just _had to_, didn't she? But I soldiered on, knowing I had to get through this.

"And you know that I want nothing more than for you to be happy, yeah?" I kept her mouth closed so she couldn't say something that would shatter me. She nodded instead. "Whatever that means," I continued, and it took all I had to swallow back on everything that wanted to come out. "I'll always support that. You'll always have me, any part, in whichever way. You're my best friend, Bells."

There. I'd said it. It was my choice. It had to be. _You're deluded._

Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I had to fight. Just fight, and fight and there was no damn _end_ to the fighting. But I took her face in my hands anyway, and it _sucked_ that I wanted to kiss her but couldn't – she wanted me to, I _knew_ she did, and it made it all so much worse.

Instead I lowered my lips and pressed them against her forehead. I heard the almost undetectable hitch in her breath, but only because I knew her; only because it had always been so obvious to me what was so difficult for her to understand.

"You're my best man, Jacob."

Absolutely _everything_ in me protested. But I was so good at this. I'd had _one goddamn century_ of practice.

"Yeah," I agreed, straightening up with a smirk firmly in place. "I already knew that." I winked and pulled back to walk up the counter. I had to get physical distance before I did something stupid – because I couldn't take wanting and not being _able to_. "So uh, want a hand with this?"

Bella laughed when she caught the expression on my face. I'm sure I hadn't managed to pull myself together as well as I'd hoped. Then a timer went off, almost making me jump out of my own skin, and she moved quickly to the oven, turning to me with a grin on her face.

"You could always get that out for me," she offered as a life-line. "And I'll get these potatoes nice and fluffy."

I wasn't going to say no. "Got it." Saying no to her would probably be a self-induced execution, but I hoped I wouldn't ever have to find out. As she got the mixer started, I grabbed the dish from the oven.

It didn't surprise me that I slipped so easily into the role of her best friend, since that's what she needed most, even if that's not what she wanted. We talked, I made jokes, had a dig at Blondie – it pleases me, because I can't stand her sparkly beauty queen ass – and it almost felt like it used to. Almost. But not completely, because, thanks to the imprint, I was more in tune with her than ever. Like I really needed to _feel_ her confusion when I'd always been able to pick it straight off her open, and beautiful face.

Bella had been in the process of cooking when I came along and slipped straight back into my own personal hell. I hadn't been left hanging for long. Fate, destiny, or whatever thing dictated and ruled my life, obviously felt I needed to be jerked around. If I didn't know better I'd say someone was sitting up on a cloud with a magnifying glass, aiming it straight at me just for the pure fun of it.

And it totally _still_ didn't make me bitter, because it's not like I'm complaining.

So, she had cooked – for her sparkly-no-more husband, and her – and I decided to tag along to keep her company on the way back to the bunker. I told myself that she was still accident prone, and we lived in Alaska, in the wilderness, just about. Knowing her luck – not that she had her own personal torturer, like me, who had absolutely nothing to complain about, by the way – a bear would attack her, or a tree would fall on top of her head. She was fragile again, and it was a _good_ thing.

Then, out of nowhere, she suddenly had a lapse, remembered the truck I had rebuilt for her, and made me break just that little bit more by throwing her arms around me, like I was the greatest thing in her world. I wondered how much more I could take before I'd just start swearing at the irony of it all.

The more time I spent with her, the harder it became to keep it all inside, and when she started declaring her undying _friendly_ feelings for me I had to count to ten and start pulling shit out of thin air to just _keep my mouth shut_.

She was too slow, and the sooner I got her to the bunker, the better. Instead of risking a severe case of word vomit, I scooped her up and started carrying her. Of course, having her in my arms wasn't such a smart move either, considering I could feel how she was so _comfortable_ there. _You belong with me, Bells, why can't you just _see_?_

"Jake?"

The way she said it made something press against my ribs. "Yeah?" And I waited. Waited while my lungs constricted in a very strange and severely discomforting way. Her eyes darted around us, like she was looking for an anchor, or simply because she couldn't look at me while saying what she was about to say.

"You know, I never was a firm believer in marriage – because of Charlie and Renée. But it wasn't only that; I think half the time people get married just because it's what they're supposed to do. Like, just another part of society's charade; to hang a pretty portrait on the wall to show the grandkids. The thing is: marriage is a promise, Jake. It's a promise you make, not only in front of God, but in front of your family, to love and honor one another 'til death do you part."

_Yeah. Well. We wouldn't have a portrait on our wall 'cause I wouldn't've been able to keep my hands off your skin after the wedding so the dress would've gotten ruined while I sneaked you off, but, instead we'd have a hilarious story to explain the pictures of you flushed in a ripped dress... But... you're not mine, even if I feel you want to be... so that just sucks._

_Keep walking, keep walking, keep walking. _

"You might be angry with me, and frustrated, because you know that I love you, too, just as much as I love Edward, but, Jake – I made a commitment. I made a _promise_. And maybe I was wrong, and maybe I will fail – heck, maybe I was just too damn young in the first place to know what I was doing, but at the end of the day I did walk down that aisle, I spoke those vows and _promised_ to love him and to honor him until death do us part. I _can't_ just walk away. I _have_ to _try_. The sad part about it is that I was with him for a century, but somewhere along the way I got lost, and never actually got to do any of the things I promised I would."

_Hell, yes, I am angry with you, but you lost me somewhere between 'just as much as I love Edward' and 'until death do us part', and I **want**_ to_ yell at you, **and** shake you until you see sense. But I can't because I'm supposed to be your friend...so that sucks too._

If it were possible – at _all_ possible – to make her stop I wanted to know how, before I lost my fucking mind. How much longer could I think it and simply not just..._do it_?

"Bells," was all I got passed my closing throat. She wiped her wet face, only to continue, making me pray for patience, sanity and strength to get through it.

"I really was dead, Jake, but now I'm alive – I'm here, and I feel and love, and it just _hurts_ that you fought so hard for me – so did Edward, while I – I just tagged along. I don't want to be one of those people with a portrait on the wall, Jake, I just don't. I'm better than that, I can do _so much better_ than what I have, and I will."

"Bella, honey – I understand. You don't have to explain, because I get it. I do. Just—" _because explaining is a waste of time when the imprint tells me that all you need is just a friend, and I have no __**choice**__ – fucking hell_. I swallowed it all back, "—be happy, okay? That's all I want. If it's with him, then so be it. I just – _can't_ see you hurting, Bells, I just can't. It kills me."

As if I hadn't been teased enough, she threw her arms around me and held on to my neck with everything she was.

"It'll get better, Jake. One day it _has_ to get better."

I just held her, while, in the back of my mind I was going off on the most insane tirade about how fucking unfair it all was, I _couldn't_ fight it, and as I hid my face in the warmth of her skin she twisted the knife.

"I want you to be happy, too, I really do."

"I love you _so much_, Bella, I – _fuck—_" I wanted to start _begging._ My mind was going to crack, it was all _too much_. "Give me a minute, Bells – just" – a shudder shot through me as I, again, fought for control – "_Christ_... okay."

"Jake?" she softly coaxed.

I sucked it up, dragging a breath in to let the show go on. "Yeah, I'm good." And, unwilling to give up, I kept fighting – for _her_, always for her, but also for my own sake – until she disappeared into the bunker to continue her very own little show, the only difference being that she wasn't actually aware of it. Yet.

It wasn't so much that I'd thought she'd believe me, but I'd poured every single last shred of sanity into making sure nothing slipped out that shouldn't. Whatever it took to keep things light, to keep her from accidentally telling me – she couldn't possibly know the power she had over me now – that, not only did she want me to be happy, but she wanted me to meet someone who would love me back the way I deserved.

It was _my_ goddamn choice. Not hers, not the imprint's, not _anyone's_ but _my_ fucking choice. I knew her too well to know the ridiculous crap she could pull to cover up how she felt, and to give herself hope that I'd find someone so she wouldn't have to feel so guilty anymore.

She couldn't find out. I'd be beyond moronic if I told her. It wouldn't be her fault – I would never blame her, I loved her, and I could never be angry with her – but I couldn't tell her! In case it would feed her insanity to take her martyr-act to new levels and _order_ me, knowingly, away from her. If I left, it would be _my_ decision. _My choice_.

I felt something dark and humorless bubble up my throat.

_What. Fucking. Choice. Did. I. **Ever.** Have?_

If I had a choice I wouldn't have fought like a maniac for the past _one-hundred years_ to avoid a romantic relationship with Bella's daughter. If I had so much as a _resemblance_ of a choice I wouldn't even _be_ here. If an option or an opportunity was ever presented to me it was only to remind me of what I will _never, ever have_! Because _God_ forbid that Jacob Black should have a _choice._

"_A whole fucking century, goddammit! A century? Are you __**kidding**_ _me?_" I roared at the top of my lungs as I stood, choking back the heat in my mouth, holding back the flames of fury licking up my spine. If there was one. Goddamn. Thing. I had that was still within my power to control it was the wolf. But _everything_ was just too much. Always _too freaking much_. And I wasn't going to be able to hold it back.

The wolf's feral snarl ripped from my throat at the same time as my clothes exploded into a cloud of tattered shreds. Claws dug into the frozen ground, tearing and scattering anything in my path as I raced through the forest. I went faster, pushed harder; the continuous, loud cracks from the young trees I completely demolished on the way echoed all around me, and, together with the roaring of blood pumping through my veins, it drowned out the inner monologue I was so sick to d_eath_ of...

...but I was _not fucking bitter._

_**Three weeks later...**_

The sun was beating down from a clear sky, its warmth radiating through me, and a brisk breeze ruffled my shaggy fur as I uncurled where I had taken shelter a few hours earlier. I scanned the open tundra, my tongue lolling as I yawned and got up. I was hungry – damn hungry – and I stretched before shaking the sleep off.

I had no idea where I was, not that I could find it in me to really care; it didn't matter. With my keen sense of hearing and smell I easily sniffed out the basics: food and water. In between eating and drinking I let the miles stretch out under my paws. Sometimes I would stop to take it all in: the mountains, the frozen landscape that went further than my eyes could see. The wildlife at this time of the year was limited – tiny little critters, foxes, wolves, bears and a _ton_ of bambies – but they were there, and they were the only company I had. The only company I needed.

A few days ago I had crossed paths with an actual pack of wolves, and at first they'd paused, their leader hunching down in a protective but authoritative manner. It had dawned on me then, that to them, while I was just a freak of nature, really, I was a threat, and it had made me bark out a laugh. If I spoke wolf I would've told them: _yes, yes I am, but I won't hurt ya. _Instead my tongue had lolled out and I'd shrugged my big shoulders, then turned to leave. When I'd glanced back they'd been staring at me, as if to say: _you're supposed to fight us, what the hell are you doing?_

Any other animal – well, a bear, for example – would've probably had a go, so I understood their confusion. In that moment I felt a weird sense of peace. It was all so simple out there, and they all lived by simple rules. Eat or be eaten. Do or die. But mostly they just lived, went about their business until mother nature decided their number was up.

No one really came along and started questioning the way of life, or tried to change it or challenge it – apart from those hippies who tagged animals to keep an eye on them; I'd come across a few of those. As in, the animals with tags. The moment I caught the scent of a _human_ I ran instinctively, as far as I could in the opposite direction. I _really_ was an animal myself, wasn't I?

Not that I cared. Not that it mattered. Not that it screwed up anyone's way of life or their plans. I didn't have anyone who depended on me, or needed me to be around to make sure they were okay. It was just me, myself and I. That, and peace. _Finally_, I had some _peace_.

Apart from the times when Leah decided to invade my head and fill it with images that kicked up things I was trying to put to rest. Come to think on it, I hadn't been bugged by her for – I thought, trying to count sunrises and sunsets – two days? Three? It wouldn't last, though. I knew that. I was done deluding myself.

I'd traveled a few miles before I found what I was looking for, and, as I gave my mind over to the wolf – it came so easily, so naturally – everything that was Jacob Black faded into the background.

Muscles bunched up as I lowered my head, preparing to spring-

_Om nom nom._

-I lunged, descending on my prey, which didn't stand a chance under my massive bulk, and sunk my teeth into it's neck, snapping it without effort.

Discomfort flowed through me but I ignored it – it wasn't mine, it was _hers_ – it was her problem if she wanted to stick around while I ate.

_Oh, yum. How about you come home, and eat something that doesn't require burying afterward?_

_I **am** home,_ I thought without doubt.

_I'd say you're in **hiding**. Have you, you know, considered _solving_ your problems, instead of running from them? _

_There's nothing to solve – in fact, the imprint let me off the hook, and I'm bowing out with grace._

_Oh. I see. And here I thought I was talking to Jacob Black who absolutely **despises** imprinting. I asked him once if he wanted to imprint. Do the words 'Hell, no!' ring a bell? Yes? No? Well, I'm not talking to the same person anymore so how about we sing fucking 'Hallelujah' together instead?_

I felt her gleeful satisfaction as I dropped my lunch and shoved away, my stomach protesting. God. Sarcastic bitch. She was _in my head_ and she _still_ didn't get it?

_Get what, Jacob? What, __**exactly**__, is it that the imprint is telling you?_

_Since you haven't noticed, Leah, I am up to my fucking eyeballs in acceptance and understanding and warm gushy feelings when it comes to Bella and Eddie that I want to __**puke!**__ But __I __**can't!**__ I fucking. Literally. __**Can't!**_

_Yeah?_

Holy shit. She was dense. Like, not just 'I'm tho thtopid I can't thee'-type dense, but actually totally ignorant 'I don't want to see because I haven't had sex lately and I want to take it out on the rest of the world'-type dense. _Can't you feel that? All the love and unquestionable devotion toward Bella and her choices? __**Her**__ choices. Christ. _

_I have a direct goddamn line into her insanity – thanks to this freaking hocus-pocus – and it's __**telling me,**__ for the love of all that is fucking holy, that she __**needs. A. FRIEND!**_ _Do you get it yet? Or do I need to rent a fucking billboard and print it out in all caps for you? Maybe I'll make it extra special; throw in some flashing neon lights, and maybe I'll add the Barney the Dinosaur theme, y'know – _and I sang in my head – _I love you, you love me, we're one happy but __**fucked up**_ _family!_

_Are you done yet?_

_I could make a pop-up book for you, too, with puzzles and everything. Crosswords and some quizzes – to get that brain of yours going._

_No. I think I got it now. _Leah's skin was tougher than Barney's predecessors._ Well, um – actually. One thing is still a bit fuzzy. I'm sort of getting mixed messages here. One moment you're all: 'the imprint let me off the hook, and I'm bowing out with grace,'_ she mimicked. _But then you get all sarcastic and start spewing fucking bile over it. So, I'm still thinking you're not quite dealing with it all so well._

_Okay, Captain-fucking-Obvious, enlighten me with your wisdom._ I didn't care, though. I really didn't care. One. Goddamn bit. This was a waste of time. The sooner I could get back to my lunch, the better.

_This is all working wonders for you, Jacob. Tell me – who's the therapist? The crippled grizzly you named Pete, or the squirrel 'Pooky'? Oh, wait, I know... Pooky died last week, didn't she? I guess all that shit you unloaded while **dealing** was too much for her._

_Actually, she choked on laughter when I told her of Miss I'm-so-fucking-hilarious' mental issues. The least said bitch could do is show some goddamn respect for my dead friend, since she induced the choking-fit._

She ignored my jab. _I know all about you and your issues, Jacob, and I've been thinking-_

_That explains things, _I thought at her with heavy sarcasm.

_Stop being a whiny, snotty brat and shut up._

The humor that echoed through my mind wasdark and bleak, and she retaliated with an image that socked me in the gut: Bella, on her knees, building a _snow castle_ with Nessie and Embry. Where was the husband she was _oh-so-committed_ to?

_In Anchorage, with the Doc and his wife, looking at houses._

_Are they all gonna live together?_ I'd thought Bella and douche bag husband were going to get their own place.

_They already **have** bought a house, in Anchorage, but she refuses to leave. She's waiting for you to come home, Jacob._

My stupid heart skipped a beat. Was it because I missed her, or because the imprint was overjoyed his best buddy wanted us? I didn't know. How would I know what was what? At least I felt a smug sense of satisfaction over the fact that Eddie probably _loved_ that his loyal wife still couldn't stop thinking about me.

_Oh woe-is-me. You know, Jacob – it's our _job_ to stomp on you. The **entire world** is dead set on making you fucking miserable. Never mind that you're a grown man with the ability to move and grow and change your circumstances. Nope. We **want** you to suffer. We fucking **relish** in it. And you let us, so there._

_Fuck you._

Leah didn't even flinch, and went on without pause. _Obviously, fighting **against** the wolf isn't working out so well for you. I mean, you've been out here talking to squirrels, Jacob. A fucking squirrel named Pooky! You've been running for **weeks**! In_ _**wolf form**. He's going to **win**, Jacob, whether your stupid ass sees it, accepts it, or even-fucking-comprehends it or not._

I turned my muzzle toward the deer. _Oh my – look at the time. Did someone order a filet, rare?_

_You know, for someone so obsessed with choices you're completely blind to the fact that you have loads, and, not only that; they're glaring you right in the fucking face._

_Oh yeah? Tell me about them, Yoda._

_Try looking passed what you can't control, Batman – oh wait, I forgot, there's a huge fucking mountain of pride in the way._

_Whatever – you've ruined my appetite. Is it too freaking much to ask to _eat_ without being jerked around? Be so kind and let me get back to my lunch._

_I'm touched you ask so nicely._

_Pooky, whom you hate so much, rest her soul, shared a few secrets on manners with me before she carked it, so, you're welcome._

Her responding snarl told me I was really pissing her off. Good. Maybe she would leave soon so I could eat._ In. Peace._

_Not a chance. You're coming home today, and I'll follow you around until you do. I have a ton of Bella-documentaries to show you. How about-_

-rosy cheeked with her hair in a messy bun, packing ornaments into a box – with rubber gloves three sizes too big in a horrid green color, cleaning _my bathroom_ – sitting on _my_ sofa with Embry, watching crappy re-runs from the 1990's on _my_ TV – sitting on _my_ workbench, watching Nessie and Embry with their heads under the hood of a car I'd never seen before – wait, was that Blondie touching _my damn tools?_

_What the hell is going on?_

_While obsessing over Bella's commitments, and being an emo pansy about it, I guess you forgot about yours. Good thing there are people who can see passed their own pride,_ she thought at me icily, taking aim at my ego.

_Nobody touches my stuff!_ I let the wolf growl at her, but again it rolled off her like water off a goose.

_Like I said: I've been thinking-_

_Oh, here we go again – I'm outta here. _I'd have to sit my naked ass down and wait for her to go away.

_Wait! Fuck me sideways with a sledgehammer – will you get _over_ yourself! For one minute, and hear me out?_

I'd already been stalled, so I guess I could humor her. _One minute, and the clock's ticking._

_This is like dealing with a third-grader._

_Tick-tock, tick-tock..._

_I know you're pissed, Jacob; I get it more than you probably realize. Now, you know I don't like her bony-ass-_

The wolf and I snarled at her.

_Okay, sorry, sorry – I just...I'd just really hate to be her right now._

She knew she had me, and I felt her getting all uppity about it. _Get on with it, or I'll leave._

_Okay, okay – so...you know how I always wondered if Sam had just tried, after he imprinted – _she still thought it with hardened bitterness –_ you know, just fucking **tried**_ _with me, and we all knew _he_ wondered that, too. Well, I think...maybe she's just trying to avoid that? The 'what if'. Ya know? And-_

_I think I've heard enough._

_Wait! And maybe she'll be thinking that about _you _now, and that really fucking sucks! I'd _hate_ to be her right now, Jacob. I really would, but she's trying to do the right thing, and you should really be grateful for that. _

_Yep. I'm oh-so-fucking-grateful._

Leah let a ripping, snarling howl reverberate through me. _You're such a fucking hypocrite, you make me sick! How about you try to be a team player, huh? Just fucking **try** to see past what you can't control and look at all the things you **can!** Would it hurt you to try? At least **try!** You've been fighting the wolf for as long as I've known you, Jacob. And it's all a part of you. Make peace, for fuck's sake. Be a man about it. You have it in you to do it – it's **your goddamn choice!**_

She'd floored me with her anger. Not the usual Leah-bitchiness, but pure, potent fury. And with it she'd stripped everything, all the way down to the cold, hard facts.

_Christ! I made a fucking promise of my own, Leah. I promised I would fight for her, and now...now I fucking **can't.** I can't, and I know it should be killing me, but it's not, and it...I just..._

I _was_ glad the pain was gone, and I really did just want her to be happy. With or without the imprint I knew that that's all I'd ever really wanted for her. But I knew myself – I was over a century old, for fuck's sake, I _knew_ – and I just wanted to have the option. That's all. Couldn't I have-

_Here we go again with the wallowing and self-pity. Look – there are many ways to fight for someone, Jacob. It doesn't have to hurt, and it doesn't have to be a struggle. If you stay out here, then you've given up. Then you really are a hypocritical bastard, because that's equal to doing nothing. You have a choice – you have several – so take them, and fucking do something about it._

I stared at the dead deer.

I felt her desperation. _I'll cook for you, _she bargained – Leah hated anything that made her look like a submissive housewife. _I ruined your dinner, so that's the least I can do, right? I'll get some nice steaks frying, make some mashed potatoes and gravy. I'll even wear a fucking apron and make you dessert. Just...**come back,** Jacob. I fucking hate it that you're reducing me to begging, but I care about you, okay? I fucking care, and you're so much better than this. Come home so I can at least kick the shit out of you. _

My tongue lolled in true wolf-grinning fashion. _You wish._

_I can't stand this mellow, mushy bullshit I'm feeling right now, and I need an outlet since my assfart of a boyfriend won't give me rough sex._

_Jeez. Did you have to?_

_Deal with it. I've watched a pale, bony ass in your dreams for a century. If I want to talk about sex and show you pervy images then it's my fucking prerogative for putting up with your crap._

_Okay, okay! Jeez. _I threw the deer one last regretful glance then turned. _The food better be good, 'cause I just killed bambi for no good reason._

_Yeah – I'll call Greenpeace to come protest outside your door if it makes you feel better, just get a move on, will ya?_

_Shut up, woman, and go cook. _My tongue lolled again when she snarled at me.

**o~*iii*~o**

On the way back I realized that I'd ran a hell of a lot further away than I'd initially thought. Leah had phased back, telling me that Embry had a thing or two to say about imprinting before she faded. Guess I'd find out soon enough. But, yeah. I'd been an idiot. An A-class, total freaking moron. What made it down right embarrassing was that I should have seen it clear as fucking day. I was all kinds of stupid.

As I got closer I could feel it: the literal gravitational pull. It made me push faster; each and every single muscle in my body empowered by the anticipation of seeing her. At the rate I was going I would blow right passed my house and the barn, straight to her house, or wherever she was. The images Leah had shown me popped into my head, and it made me wonder what the hell had been going down in my workshop.

Goddammit. _Stupid, idiotic fucking moron, _I ranted at myself. I'd behaved like a spoiled child, throwing one hell of a temper tantrum. Christ. There'd be some damage control to do.

Leah had predicted that I'd go straight to see Bella, so when I bounded out of the treeline she was there, feet planted firmly with the smuggest look on her face.

"Welcome home, numbnuts," she said as I skidded to a halt, and she held out a pair of jeans and-

I phased back instantly, completely unashamed of showing her my naked body. "Aw, you even brought me undies. Such a good little woman." I let out a laugh when she threw the clothes in my face.

"Holy shit. Not only do you need food, but you need a shower," she snapped, stalking up the porch and into the house, adding in a holler, "You look like hell on a stick."

"Love you, too, sweetheart!" I called after her laughingly and went to follow. I _would_ clean myself up. As she'd so adoringly pointed out: I looked like crap.

After a scorching shower and a thorough brushing of my teeth, I entered the kitchen to find Embry sitting at the table. He paused with the fork hovering in front of his gaping mouth.

"Jee-zus." Was all he said, and I pulled a chair out to sit down. Yeah. I'd gotten a good look in the mirror, and while us werewolves never really lost the bulk, I looked pretty rough.

"The Alaskan wildlife is next to calorie-free – no Twinkies or Big Mac's," I explained. "I should be the new Jenny Craig, and invite a ton of women to live with me on the tundra for three weeks. I'd make a fortune." I flashed him a wide grin then looked up at Leah as she dished up a mountain of mashed potatoes on my plate. "Thank you, darling." When she turned with a snort for the stove I couldn't help myself; I swatted her ass, making her scowl at me.

"Two questions," Embry said, putting his fork down, and I looked at him. "Where's Jacob, and what did you do with him?"

I heard Leah snickering, but shrugged and scooped up some potatoes to taste. "Mm, pretty good" – grinning at Leah – "and I have no idea what you're talking about," I answered Embry, mouth full.

"Yeah. No. Of course not, except you just touched Leah's ass, which is just disturbing-"

"What's wrong with my ass?" she retorted.

"Nothing, sweetchops, but, jeez..." Embry shook his head while I sputtered; he picked up his fork again to pop a piece of steak into his mouth.

I coughed and cleared my throat. "Sweetchops? Really – that's just as wrong. Anyway-" I reached for the gravy. "I'm just busting her balls, since she ruined my appetite earlier, and I know she loves standing in the kitchen, so...I'm just making her feel more at home." I winked at her as she dropped two large pieces of steak on top of the potatoes where I was pouring gravy, making it splatter onto my shirt.

"Would you like anything else to go with that, baby?"

Embry busted out a laugh. "Owned."

"A clean shirt would do it," I replied, unfazed. "And you could tell me what's going on in my workshop."

Leah came to join us with a plate of her own. "It was Rosalie's idea, which, let me tell you, shocked the shit out me."

"So, what's going on?" I asked in between chewing and cutting my steak.

"Well-"

Embry cut Leah off. "She heard from Bella that you'd taken off, who is pretty damn upset, by the way." He gave me an expectant look, and I rolled my eyes.

"First I want to know what's going on."

"Rosalie is impressive with all things cars and engines," Embry continued. "She knows everything, and when she heard from Bella that you'd left, she tried to reassure Bella that you'd be back – that you have a business, and you wouldn't leave your responsibilities behind."

I winced. "Yeah, okay. I'm a douche, but it still doesn't explain..." I trailed off, setting my fork and knife down. "Has she been touching my cars?" I asked in disbelief.

"Touched, tinkered, tuned, polished and, pretty much, saved your ass," Leah cut in.

I gaped at her. "Huh?"

"Between Rosalie, Nessie and myself we've been running your business while you were off playing with the calorie-free wildlife," Embry said, grinning now.

There was absolutely nothing I could say. I simply just stared at them.

"I contacted your clients and took care of the paperwork," Leah added as she disappeared out of the kitchen, only to come back with a folder, slapping it down on the table in front of me. "Invoices, contracts and records – it's all in there, if you want to know what we've been up to."

"I..." I reached up, scratching the back of my neck. "Uh – thanks, but you didn't-"

"No we didn't. But we wanted to. Especially Rosalie. Let's just say she's had a fucking major attitude adjustment." Leah gave me a genuine smile, and the way she was talking about Blondie gave me the impression she held some awed kind of respect for her. I'd just entered some weird alternate reality, or the twilight-zone. Or maybe my mind had finally snapped and I was stuck in some really bizarre and twisted dream. Not that I know what Embry and Leah were doing there, or why I would fantasize about Blondie working on _my_ cars.

Embry snapped me out of my trance. "She told me to tell you to come see her when you got back. But not before you've been to see Bella. You really freaked-"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay. I get it – christ." My chest felt all tight and I looked down at my plate. "Where is she?"

"Probably at the main house, since Edward's in Anchorage with Carlisle and-"

"Leah told me," I interrupted, then I pushed the food to the side. "Emb," I started. "You're all into this-" I waved my hand sporadically. "Stuff. I mean, the spiritual shit and – Leah told me to talk to you about imprinting, or at least, I got the impression you know something about it that I should know."

"Ah." He exchanged a glance with Leah, then looked back at me. "Well, yeah. Once Leah told me you'd imprinted on Bella, it all made sense. Sure, I'd suspected some things, but it all fell into place, and, as I'd figured, you were probably always meant to imprint on Bella – it explains _a lot_."

"Always _meant to_...?"

"Yup. Which is why you imprinted on Nessie. Or, should I say... you imprinted on Bella right before she-" he paused, gauging my reaction, and I had no fucking idea what he saw in my face, apart from my mouth hanging open. "-died," he said finally. "Not sure how the hell it happened, but it did. You kind of screwed up her wish for eternal life and all, 'cause, obviously, a wolf isn't meant to be connected to a vampire."

"But Nessie..."

"Half-human. And possibly because she shares Bella's DNA, so... yeah. Nessie carried either Bella's entire soul or part thereof around all this time. Explains her dreams, too, which I talked to her about – don't worry!" he said quickly. "I haven't told her anything, but Nessie has talked to me about" – he drew quotation marks in the air – "'weird dreams' she had while Bella was still a vampire."

I almost didn't dare to ask, considering I was already so freaking spun out. "So, uh... _why_, though? I mean. Why now? How come I didn't before? Is it to do with the cure, or...?"

Embry shook his head. "Eh, no. It's uh... because of Edward," he finished warily, making my entire body stiffen.

Leah was studying me closely. "It's so fucking creepy, but it makes sense."

I put heavy emphasis on my words, drawing them out slowly. "I... still. Don't. Get it."

"You've heard stories of vampires – we all have. The succubus? The incubus? They lure out humans to have sex with them... well, they compel them..."

_...he's like a drug for you, Bella..._

I shot up, knocking my chair over, my whole body convulsing.

Embry was at my side instantly, grabbing for my arms. "Jake! Fuck, man – it's over, it's done – gone."

"I – _fuck_." The rage suddenly flowing through me with a vengeance choked off my ability to speak. I knew it. I fucking knew it. All those years ago- "I knew it," I bit out through gritted teeth. "All that time – and she – I should've – but I – _goddammit!_"

"I honestly don't think he meant to," Leah pleaded with me, but her words burned like acid.

"_**Like hell he didn't!**_" I bellowed.

"What's done is done, man. C'mon, Jake. Calm down. Bella's alive, she's fine."

_...I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun..._

"I just gave in," I whispered, staring blankly. "Way too easily. I should've gone with what my gut told me – I should've – if only-"

"Stop it, Jacob," Leah snapped. "Snap the _fuck_ out of it – look... how about you see it like this: thanks to you, she went fucking insane – _God_, I don't know – and she came up with this weird cure, right? Because you were there, Jacob. You saved her... sort of.

"And now she's human again. Whereas if you hadn't chased after her like a horny little puppy and given in to her, and been with her, she would've run off to become a vamp with her soul intact-" she looked to Embry for confirmation, and he nodded. "And she would be Mrs Stinky now, all sparkly and shit, right? So you _saved_ her. Okay?"

"_I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds nicely for me."_

"Okay," I repeated in a strained whisper.

_...The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse..._

They released me, and I held my hand up when they went to follow me out of the kitchen.

"Walk it off, Jacob," Leah called after me as I ducked into my room to change my shirt. "Don't you do anything stupid!"

_Too late for that_, I thought bleakly, leaving the house. I'd already been stupid, and in every definition of the word. But that's the thing with hindsight; it's a case of twenty-twenty vision. Worse yet: I'd known. I'd damn well known and still I hadn't done crap about it.

"_You saved her... sort of."_

That was the worst cop-out I'd ever heard. Even if it made sense, and was... _sort of_ true. Bella _was_ alive. I needed to remind myself of that, and the fact that her husband _wasn't_ a rancid, smelly, sparkly douche – he was still a douche bag, I concluded. But... he made her happy, she w-wanted to be with him. _She _thinks_ she wants to be with him_.

_...you have a choice – you have several – so take them, and fucking do something about it..._

It was all I could do. It's what I _would_ do. I _did_ have the choice to count my blessings that I wouldn't feel like I'd been _punched in the freaking gut_ every time I saw her. So really, while I'd been hanging on to my sanity by my fingernails earlier, this gave me _more time_ to just... wait. _More time to fight. _I wasn't giving up.

_...there are many ways to fight for someone, Jacob. It doesn't have to hurt, and it doesn't have to be a struggle..._

She was a bitch, and she was a pain in the ass, but, goddammit, she was right. I would fight. By being her friend, by staying in her life as much as possible, to remind her that she _still_ had options. I would be there for her, in whichever way she wanted – I knew what she wanted, so really, it was only a matter of time.

Time that I wouldn't have to spend in complete, gut-wrenching agony. Leah was right about that part, too. I _would_ have – imprint or no imprint – been Bella's friend. I'd held on for a century, in spite of the knowledge that I would never have her, and that she was cold and hard, and I'd _fought_ still.

I found myself standing outside the front door to the main house, without even thinking – she was in there, I felt her – and the stubborn part of me had a little inner rant, cussing at the imprint for making me do crap, just like that.

_I can be a team player, but if you so much as _try_ to tell her, I swear, I'll drag myself out the back and fucking shoot myself. Got it? _

Not that I was convinced it would work, or that I'd actually do it, but the sentiment was all the same; it just pleased me to vent at the fanatical worshiper in my head.

_Jeez._ I'd lost the plot. I was officially a freaking nutjob.

Knowing I could, I simply pulled the door open and walked inside. I heard voices from the kitchen, and, as I sniffed the air, I could tell that they were cooking something. _Onions, cheese, tomato sauce, pepperonies... flour and yeast_ –they were making pizza!

"_Hands off, Emmett, you can't eat that,"_ Bella admonished, accompanied by the sound of a hand connecting with skin.

"_Ouch! Hey, that hurt!"_

Another female laughter mingled with Bella's. _"You're such a baby, Emmett,"_ said the girl, her voice light but not familiar at all.

"_Get your dirty paws out of the bowl." _Was that Blondie? I didn't fully recognize the voice.

"_Come on, babe, let me taste,"_ begged, I guessed, Emmett.

It hit me then; I could barely distinguish the awful stench of death, and, as I listened closer, I could tell apart...one, two, three_ – five_ sets of heartbeats. If the doctor and his wife were in Anchorage with Eddie, that meant – _holy shit_ – they were _all_ human. No wonder no one had come to investigate my awesome BO; they didn't even know I was here. I felt the smirk on my lips – this would be so much fun.

They were all engrossed in their pizza-making-effort – all of them apart from the tall, blonde one, who seemed out of his depth as he hung back, observing them with a wary curiosity.

"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" he inquired skeptically in a thick southern accent – even more obvious now than before – his eyes on Bella as she scanned a piece of paper with tomato sauce splotches on it.

She offered him a sheepish smile which – _points for team spirit, I'll take the credit for this one, thank you very much _– made my heart jump for joy. Then I _felt_ the sudden change in her demeanor, just as much as I saw it – _fuck you, spoilsport_ – as she paused, her eyes darting my way where I leaned against the doorframe.

"Hey, Bells," I cheerfully greeted her with a huge grin plastered on my face. They all jumped, almost simultaneously, which cracked me up – even if I choked back on the chortle. This was absolutely freaking great. No one said anything, though. Instead their eyes darted between Bella and me, probably waiting for her reaction. She was happy to see me – despite the tears she fought – and I sensed she was going to chew me out a bit for having gone AWOL, which, to be fair, she was entitled to.

"Hey," she finally replied, everything I felt coming off her in waves simmering just beneath surface of her short acknowledgment of my presence. Oh, I got it; she didn't want to make a scene.

I pushed away from the doorway, moving up to the counter where Blondie shifted to the left to give me some space.

"How was the camping trip?" came her casual question, which caught me off guard. There was no bitter sarcasm or hidden scruples. She was genuinely just asking.

"Uh – yeah, great. I forgot to bring some of the local cuisine with me back, but, by the looks of things, maybe I should've, uh – brought a bottle of wine or some shit instead – Embry and Leah filled me on things and-" I paused, totally confused by Blondie's open and _friendly_ expression. "Thanks for keeping my business afloat while I was off bitching and moaning to the squirrels." The lame attempt at humor was down right embarrassing. _Christ._

"Was the least we could do. Right, guys?" She raised an eyebrow encouragingly toward, mainly Emmett, but the others, too.

"Yeah, dude. Anything to watch my baby bent over some wheels." Emmett wiggled his brows at Blondie, earning him an eye-roll.

Okay... And soon Ashton Kutcher should run in and yell: _Punked!_ Although, that's a few decades too late, and it would be a really sucky punking – not that his show was ever much to smile about – but still... _Candid Camera? No? Okay, I'll just remain totally fucking gobsmacked._

"Excuse me for a minute," said Bella and gave me a _you-better-__**know**__-to-follow-because-you're-already-in-deep-enough-shit-as-it-is_ look.

"To be continued," I offered ominously before following. Not that I had much _choice_ in the matter, considering my feet took the liberty of _not_ asking my permission. _Sweet. Even if I had a __pretty good sense of direction before __**you**__ came along, _I bickered with the Bella-fan in my head.

She walked through the dining area and went straight for a door which led to the doctor's office. As soon as I'd stepped into the room she turned on me.

"Close the door, please."

I obeyed. "Look, Bells-"

She cut me off curtly. "Don't talk."

"'Kay." I pretended to lock my lips, tossing the key over my shoulder before shoving my hands into my pockets. I felt like a ten-year old who was about to receive the lecture of the century. Pretty sure I looked like one too, while I watched her battle with herself – not only to keep herself from crying, she hated that, but also to choose her words. Even if I'd been a complete asshole, she fought hard not to be angry with me. _Yeah. Thanks. I think I know Bella without you telling me, now shut up and go play Scrabble or something._

Bella stopped, her hands falling against her sides in defeat, as her eyes raked over me. "_God!_" she exclaimed in a strangled sob, and I _could. Not. Stand and watch_, making me take a step toward her. Instantly she went rigid and shook her head. "_No,_" she choked out. "You can't just" – a hiccup cut her off – "come here and...and..."

"Bells, honey – _please_," I begged. _Let me hug you, you stubborn, silly woman._

"I was _worried about you_," she finally managed before another hiccup, followed by a sob, cut her off completely.

"I'm sorry. I was an idiot. A total poor-excuse-for-a-friend _asshole-_"

"_Why?_" she whispered miserably. "No excuse, no call – nothing. You just upped and left."

It took some effort to not blurt out the whole truth, and it didn't help my case any as I stood there staring at her like an idiot. _I'm trying to be a team player, so work with me here. _"It's not you, honey. I-" Seriously. _Goddammit._ That was really original. _Jeez._ Bella's expression told me I better add something quick or she'd end up blaming herself. "I was a coward, and I didn't know how to deal with everything. So I ran."

It was obvious she was jumping to conclusions now as her face fell. "Oh, Jake – I'm sorry. I'm just trying to-"

"-do the right thing – I know, honey, and I meant every single word I said three weeks ago. Okay?"

She wasn't convinced yet, and, really, could I blame her? "Well, if – what, then...?"

"A lot of things, Bella," I told her honestly, making sure she knew I wasn't finished. "The imprint thing, for one." I was careful not to go into it too much, she'd know what I meant anyway.

"I'm so sorry, Jake."

I shrugged. "Yeah, well, I'm dealing with it now. So..." How true was that. Nice one. "But, seriously, Bella – and I'm not having a dig at you – but...living around vampires sort of sucked a whole lot for me, okay? And when you were suddenly there, blushing and laughing and smiling and just so..._alive_ again, it – I" – deep breath – "didn't know how to deal with it all, and-"

"_Jake-_"

"-things got a bit too much, a bit too crazy, _and_ being the big, stupid, dumbass wolf that I am, well – I just ran, honey. I'm sorry. It wasn't my most brilliant moment." It was sinking in, she was processing it, but her uncertainty was what got me. _Come on, Jake, work with it – team playage and all that. _"Bella?"

She focused those big, brown eyes on me. "I don't know, Jake. I'm sorry. It's a lot."

"Bells-" I took a step toward her again, and when she didn't make an attempt to stop me, I came to stand in front of her – the connection was as undeniable as it was strong. _All right. Focus. She __**needs**__ you to be straight with her. _

"I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry," she spoke the words hopelessly.

"_Stop_ apologizing, Bella." I took her face firmly in my hands, tilting her head so I could look at her – really look at her. "Okay. Look – before I left, you told me you were going to commit to Edward – but, honey...he's in Anchorage, and you're _here_. I understand that you worried, and wanted to know I was okay, but I was a dickhead, so, really, you should've just left and gone with him. My stupidity is not your responsibility. Okay? I'm fine, and I will _be_ fine. You have me, no matter what. So _stop_ agonizing over stuff. _Stop_ rehashing everything in your head – I know you do that, you know? I can see it in the way you frown, honey, so _stop_. But most important of all-" I swallowed, "-there's something _I_ need from _you_."

"Anything, Jake," she vowed quietly, and I pressed my lips against her forehead, closing my eyes. I was going to have to get Leah to beat me over the head with a crowbar for this later, and it surprised the hell out of me that I didn't gag on the words.

"I need you to go to Anchorage. Leah told me that you and Edward have a house there, but you refused to leave, because you were waiting for me. I can't have you do that anymore. You have your commitments, and a life to live. I don't have _any_ of that – apart from my business – honey, and I have to do something about that. I don't know what, but I know that, for as long as I can remember, I've been a part of _something_. I've always been Jake as in 'Where are Jake and Nessie?' or 'Hey, have you seen Jake and Bells?' or 'When are Jake and the pack getting here?' I've always been _part_ of a bigger whole, but I need to be my own. I don't want to be 'Jake _and'_ anymore. I want to be Jake. So, please. Let me have that."

I released her face instantly when she threw her arms around my waist. The muffled words hummed against my shirt. "_I love you_, and...and if that is what you need, then of course, Jake. Of course. But you'll call, though, right? You'll keep in touch? I can't not have you at all. I can't imagine..." I'd gotten through to her. _Wow. _The relief I felt, in that particular moment – was it hers? Or mine? Maybe both, but, either way, a _huge_ weight had been lifted and I hugged her to me as tightly as was humanly safe, resting my cheek against the top of her head.

"Love you, too. I'll keep in touch. I can't not have you either. And, Bells? Thanks."

"You don't have to thank me, Jake, but... you're welcome."

"I do. I'm honoring Pooky's memory for teaching me good manners," I joked, knowing she wouldn't understand, but feeling compelled to put a wrench in the wheel that consisted of Bella's emotions, which, right now, were spinning out of control, and I couldn't keep my resolve with her hurting like this. Another reason why I really _did_ need some form of distance, if I were to make it.

She drew in an unsteady breath. "Pooky?"

"Yep. Pooky the squirrel. She died, though, poor thing. But at least Pete the limping Grizzly showed up for the funeral. He didn't say much, grumbled and snotted all over the place – sort of like you right now." A half strangled noise came from her, which I was sure would've been a laugh if she hadn't been so choked up. "But, yeah. Mostly, he was just a grumpy old bastard."

"It sounds like he loved Pooky very much. I mean, a limping, grumpy old grizzly showing up for a _squirrel's_ funeral. I'd say there's more to this story than he's letting on."

I laughed. "Maybe that's why he's grumpy? It was never meant to be, y'know. A squirrel and a grizzly – nope."

"And – maybe that's why Pooky died. From the heartbreak of it all."

"Have you been reading Romeo and Juliet again, Bells?" I asked, rolling my eyes even if she couldn't see it.

She smacked me. "No. I don't read that stuff anymore."

"How come?"

"It's not important – we were talking about Pooky and Pete now, not me."

"Right. How about we go back to the kitchen instead, before Emmett eats all the ingredients."

"Speaking of eating – you didn't eat much, did you," she accused. Her hands had felt their way up my back, and when she stepped back, her appearance sucker punched me. _Get practicing, _I gloated at the imprint, and to Bella:

"Ate plenty."

"Twigs and berries?" A small smile lifted one corner of her mouth.

I laughed. "That bad, is it?"

"Well," she said, and reached up hesitantly to touch my face. "You look a bit, um – scrawny?"

Scoffing, I took her hand and pulled her toward the door. "Better get working on my bony ass then-" I paused, cocking an eyebrow. "-is it safe for them to eat pizza?" I asked, looking back at Bella, who had a little smirk on her face now. _She does this a lot, so you better get used to it,_ I informed my new buddy who wasn't handling Bella's puffy eyes very well. And _I_ would need a lobotomy, if I kept talking to myself like this.

"Probably not, but that doesn't stop Emmett. He's been bugging us about pizza ever since he woke up from the transformation, just about." She squared her shoulders, wiped her face and pushed her hair back before walking passed me. "He can't say he hasn't been warned," she added simply as I went to follow her back to the kitchen. Can't say I wanted to imagine what that meant, exactly. Even if I had an idea.

As we came into the kitchen, Blondie was struggling with Emmett, who was trying to put a pinch of grated cheese into his mouth.

"Stop being a pig, Emmett," she complained laughingly. It was impressive how she managed to put up a fair fight; Emmett was a big boy, but I guessed the post-transformation was the only thing that weighed in Blondie's favor. She let go then, making the big guy pop himself in the mouth.

"_Shi-it!_"

Emmett held his mouth while stepping around in the cheese that had dropped on the floor, while Blondie stood there staring at him in pure disbelief.

"You _broke _my nail_,_" she told him, but all of a sudden she was little Miss Sunshine, looking at Bella, as she held out her hand. "He broke my nail," she repeated, as if awestruck. Bella barely had time to react before she had arms thrown around her. "He broke my nail," Blondie chanted, over and over, like it was the greatest thing since ice cream. I couldn't help laughing.

"Want some food in your hair to go with that, Blondie?" I grinned widely when she paused to stare at me. At first she looked totally confused, until I could see a light go on behind her dark blue eyes.

"Wow. I had completely forgotten about that," she said quietly, while stepping back from Bella, who looked like she was about to burst into tears again. Christ. I was no longer stuck in the middle of a nightmare, instead I was surrounded by hormonal teenagers. Guess I fitted right in. And, to be fair, they were easier to handle – or not... Blondie suddenly came up to me, and before I understood what she was doing she leaned closer and sniffed my arm.

"Uh...what are you-"

She turned to Bella. "He doesn't smell bad at all."

They all burst out laughing at her.

"I _tried_ to tell you," Bella reminded Blondie who glanced back at me.

"Yeah. Sorry about that," she said apologetically, but I just shrugged.

"You smell great, and I smell great, we all smell damn fantastic, so, can we – get on with the pizzas?" Emmett's easy smile didn't waver when the girls gave him an _oh-will-you-just-be-quiet_ look.

"Did someone say pizza?" Embry poked his head in, then he spotted the state of the counter and quickly came up to join us.

"Man, you just ate." I laughed at him.

"I'm always hungry, plus, I believe we had a wager." He winked at Emmett who beamed.

"That's right!"

Having gone wolf for a few weeks might've made me miss out on a thing or two, and while my reasons for leaving weren't thought through very well, they had ultimately made me open my eyes. In the meantime the largest vampire coven, of their kind, had been completely eradicated. Not wiped out as such, but, in their place now existed a bunch of pretty hilarious teens. That's how I saw them.

They fought, argued, yelled at each other until they were blue in the face or simply burst into tears. Not that the guys cried from pain or emotional drama, but more from watching the girls and pissing themselves laughing. That is, until Bella's warning to Emmett about eating pizza became too real to handle, and he raced to the toilet, leaving Embry with a wad of cash and a stupid, shit eating grin – totally no pun intended – on his face. That's kind of hilarious in a very gross and disturbing way.

"I told him," Bella said to Blondie, sighing, who came back from down the hallway with a scrunched up expression on her face.

"But I feel fine," Blondie argued.

Embry cut in. "You didn't stuff your face with it, sweetiepie. You had – what? One slice?" Blondie held up two fingers. "All right. Two slices – Emmett had one and a half _supremes_," he said comfortingly.

I busted out a laugh, cutting it off just as quickly when Blondie shot me a reproachful scowl. "Yeah. Totally shouldn't laugh." I zipped my mouth, then her lips twitched.

"_Too_ easy! – guess I really was a bitch, huh?"

Bella stifled back a giggle.

"Huh. Yeah. Real funny." But I grinned anyway, throwing my legs up over the armrest on the sofa, which I shared with Bella and Alice. "So – what's up with Jasper?" I dared to ask finally, having noticed he was a bit off.

Alice's lips curved into a frown. "Carlisle says it's some kind of post-traumatic stress syndrome. He had a tumultuous past, and considering the things he went through-" she shook her head, "-it's no surprise. I understand, but it's completely unfair. Not only did he suffer more than us as a vampire, because of Maria and the things she made him do-" her hands came up in exasperation "-but he has to carry it with him still."

"It'll work out, Alice," Bella reassured softly, wrapping an arm around the little pixie's shoulders. She really was a tiny little thing, and now she was even more breakable than Bella. Amazing, really. At least she wasn't accident prone. I smirked.

"It's not funny, Jake," Bella scolded.

"Huh?" I looked at her in confusion, and her eyes narrowed.

"Wipe that smirk off your face, you bully." One brow rose expectantly.

"What? I was just sitting here thinking that Alice is even more fragile than you are, and it's-" I ducked when a cushion came sailing through the air. Well aimed by Blondie. "-just good that she's not accident prone like you, 'cause-" I slipped away just in time before Bella's hand connected with my shoulder. "'Cause she'd totally not survive such misfortune – hey! Ow. Ouch." All three of them were nipping at me now, and I couldn't help it, I started laughing, while avoiding face-assaults from incoming various objects. "Three against one, that's not fair," I managed between chortles.

"Make that four, you ass," came a very familiar voice and I froze.

"Oh, hey – no. Oh no, no, no. _That_ is _so_ not fair." I tried to get away from Bella, Alice and Blondie while Nessie stared at me nonchalantly, arms folded.

"I say it is, for taking off on us like that. I hope you're stronger than you look, Jacob," she menaced. Oh shit. I'd completely forgotten about Nessie. Not that she was anywhere near as strong, but she was still stronger than the three little kittens scratching at me. Well, Blondie actually managed to get a hold of my hair, and she threw her whole weight into it.

"Okay, okay, okay. Mercy. I yield. Time out!"

"_Babe!_"

We all paused, glancing toward the hallway, and simultaneously they all groaned, while Nessie gave us a puzzled look.

"_I need another magazine! C'mon, baby!_"

"Do I even wanna know?" Nessie asked.

Together, we shook our heads. "No, you don't."

Guess it was going to be a long night for Blondie...

...at least she wasn't bitter about it.

**o~*iii*~o**


	13. After The Storm

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_And now I cling to what I knew. I saw exactly what was true. But oh no more. That's why I hold. That's why I hold with all I have. That's why I hold. / Mumford & Sons_

* * *

**After The Storm**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**April 2105**_

"Edward," I repeated. "I'm talking to you."

He looked up from the construction site on his plate, consisting of the peas and baby carrots I'd steamed just to his liking. "Yes?" he replied as if to say: _I-heard-you-the-first-time-but-I-am-bored-out-of-my-mind-with-your-genetic-talk-so-can-we-not? _

Irritation flared up, but I pushed it back, and replaced it with a sweet smile. "Did you know," I began, resting my chin on my folded hands, "that those peas right there, their forefathers, sort of, were studied by this guy – monk actually, which is pretty neat – Gregor Johann Mendel?"

"No. No I did not," he replied, unimpressed, while moving a pea that had shifted slightly out of line with the masterpiece he was working on.

I leaned closer. "Well, this guy Mendel was a pioneer. And the work he did, observing the physical traits of peas-" Edward stiffened slightly, but continued his efforts, "-and how they were passed on from one generation to the next, laid down the groundwork for how we, today, do research in the scientific field of genetics."

Silence settled again as I waited for him to look at me. Something hot and relentless bubbled up inside me when he, finally having managed to stack three peas on top of one another, looked up and flashed me a triumphant smile.

I lost it. "Will you _stop_ playing with your damn peas! _God!_"

"I was listening!" he exclaimed in defense. "I swear, I was just-" he paused, his eyes dropping to the peas then back to my face. I looked at him expectantly, "-I'm a kinesthetic learner!"

"And what the hell is a kinesthetic learner?" I retorted as I pushed my chair out, "You know what – never mind. I'm sorry for disturbing your masterpiece, Edward." I all but stormed out of the kitchen, climbing the stairs faster than my disagreement with gravity usually allowed, and escaped to the sanctity of my study. It was immature, and it was childish, but I couldn't help myself when he didn't even make an effort to listen. And he had the audacity to smile about his pea-masterpiece? What about _my_ pea-guy? Ugh.

_Isabella Marie,_ I scolded. _Enough._

My textbooks lay open on my desk, where I had left them when I took a break to cook. It was Friday, which meant I would spend the evening studying, while Edward spent his at a jazz club in downtown Anchorage. He was the pianist in a band he had come into contact with through his studies – Edward studied music, just like he said he would. I studied science, majoring in genetics at the University of Alaska, just like_ I _said I would.

_Just like Jacob suggested._

After he asked me to go to Anchorage – all those months ago – I had stayed two more days; the time it took me to pack the few things I had kept there, while waiting for him to return. Edward and I had already moved the majority of our things – some of it went into storage, some we gave away to a second hand shop, but very little was used to furnish our new home. We had both agreed that it would be a fresh start, in every definition of the word.

The first few months after I arrived in Anchorage were all jumbled together. Somehow, I'd gone from _'I want to be Jake. So, please. Let me have that.'_ to finding out that he'd explained the entire imprinting mess to Nessie, to being a 19 year old college freshman living with her husband in a house too big for two, with no real idea of how it happened. I'd lost control over my environment, but I was determined to get it back. It was no walk in the park, and I messed up a lot, but I was dead set on making it work.

Since I was frustrated and irritated, I really, really did not feel like reading about Punnett Squares and monohybrid crosses right this moment, but I would, because I knew I wanted to. Once the negative emotions subsided, and I allowed myself to relax, I'd be grateful I persisted, as I always was when I told myself it was just one emotion masking another. Sort of like dominant and recessive traits in genetics. Just because one was stronger than the other didn't mean that the weaker one didn't matter or was less important, or wouldn't pop up when least expected. So, I sat down, opened my laptop and got to work; frustration and irritation be damned, because beneath it waited fascination and genuine want to learn.

While it was a well intended effort, it didn't quite work the way I wanted it to, and when Edward called from downstairs to tell me he was leaving, I jumped up to peek through my curtains. I'd borrowed his car today, since mine had been in for a service and, while I was almost certain I had readjusted the seat and the mirrors, I hoped I was wrong. Petty, yes, but I wanted him to be just as irritated as I was. My hopes were realized when he shot back out of the door, not even having sat down fully yet, rubbing his knee. Edward turned his head, looking directly at my window, and I flashed him a wide smile. In all fairness, I was being immature, again, but when he awarded my petty behavior with that disapproving frown of his, I lifted my hand to give him a finger-fluttering wave, deciding it was justified. _You are too stiff, sweetheart; that'll loosen you up._

My plans to study, in spite of my persistence, weren't turning out so well, so I grabbed my cell and slipped back downstairs to raid the freezer for my new anti-stress fad: frozen blackberry flavored yoghurt. I grabbed the whole container – desperate times call for desperate measures – and settled in on the sofa with a blanket wrapped around me. It was April, but, damn, it was cold. _It's Alaska,_ I reminded myself.

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?"

I rolled my eyes at the cell on the coffee table. "Nuffin," I answered, my mouth full of yoghurt. "Well – mm-" I swallowed "-the usual. How are things on your end?"

"Lasagna is in the oven – damn, hold on-" Rosalie yelled: _"Someone come and get this damn cat before it eats Meg's cake!"_ I heard a reply, but wasn't sure who it was. "-my God, I swear, they _want_ me to suffer a mental breakdown."

"Aw, Rose, they are just showing you their love and appreciation, the only way they know how."

"I _hate_ cats!" She turned away from the phone again to answer someone: _"Yes I do – oh, you are really funny, maybe you're in the wrong business? Yeah, it's a real shame isn't it? Here; fetch!"_ Suddenly the cat let out a loud mewling, and Rosalie started laughing. "Sorry," she chortled, "I threw the cat at Jacob, and it freaked out."

"Whose cat is it?" I asked while grinning at the mental image.

"Meg's niece's cat, and it almost ruined everything. We've spent hours working on this cake and the stupid animal just hopped up and started lapping at the cream – _gross!_" She let out a snort.

"But – cats are cute!"

"Oh, so you're a _cat _person now?"

I huffed. "No. But they're still cute."

"When they're being chased across the street by a dog, yes," she mused distractedly. Something told me she wasn't talking about an actual dog. "So," she said in a let's-get-back-to-business tone. "What's happening in the world of genetics?"

I puffed out a sigh. "Well, there's always a potential to evolve, but not all subjects are willing to comply by the code," I decided after a slight pause.

"Men's brains are, and always will be, stuck in the Stonehenge," she conceded. We snickered at that.

"I miss you, when will you be in town next?"

"Let me check-" I dug deeply into my bucket of stress-relief while she sorted through her schedule. "Lucky!" she exclaimed excitedly. "Wednesday. Leah and I are going to meet with some clients downtown."

Leah? _Joy._ "What time? I've got my study group at six, but, hopefully, I can leave campus around two-ish."

"Damn, the meeting's at one – um... How about lunch? How long do you have?"

"I can stretch it to an hour – max."

"Arnauld's at eleven-thirty? I'll call ahead to make sure we get quick service."

"You're a lifesaver!"

"I try," she said with a smile in her voice. "Look, I've gotta run. It's Meg's birthday, and Leah's going nuts – she has a serious aversion to kitchens, and I still haven't set the table and – no way – _shoo!_" She started cussing at, I guess, the cat, which must have returned. Unless Emmett was trying to put his fingers where they didn't belong.

"Bye, Rose!" I laughingly called out.

"Yeah, bye, babe."

Rosalie and I were closer than ever; she was my sister for all intents and purposes, and I loved her to death. And, boy, did I wish I were there with them. All of them. I missed their banter, listening to Rosalie getting stuck into Emmett, since he, as he always had, behaved like a big kid ninety-nine percent of the time. But, damn, I missed Embry, too, and his endless philosophizing, however confusing and insane it could be.

And Jacob. _My Jacob,_ a small voice whispered, but I quickly suppressed it. _Not mine, not Nessie's, not anyone's but his own, and whomever he chooses to belong to._ And, yes, I did wish he were mine, but that was neither here nor there. I was married, and not to him.

The rest of the family, apart from Rosalie and Emmet who lived in a small town called Hope, had spread out in the Anchorage area. Alice and Jasper – he still suffered from his past, but he was getting better – both studied at the University of Alaska, so I saw them almost every day, and often I stopped by their flat down town before going home. Carlisle and Esme decided two months ago to renew their wedding vows; it was a small ceremony, but we had all been there. Even Jacob, Embry and Leah had showed up.

Embry lived just outside Hope, close to Jacob and Leah who, together with Sam Uley and Rosalie, ran an auto repair shop. I'd been shell shocked when I found out that Sam was still around. He had refused to risk Emily's or their kids' safety by giving up the wolf. Part of me wondered if it was the bond of the imprint, or simply the "damage" the Cullen's and my actions inflicted on the Quileute community. Judging from Sam's wariness of us, I guessed a mix between the two.

Nine years ago, though, he decided to give up the wolf, and it took him a full three years of hell to work through it. Jacob broached the subject with me once, and, according to Sam, becoming a wolf had been kids play compared to giving it up. Possibly it might have had something to do with his deeply rooted distrust for the Cullens, as Seth, who found himself a nice girl, years and years ago, didn't have quite as much trouble giving up his wolf. Or, it was an Alpha-thing. Jacob didn't say much more about it, and I'd wondered if he was considering it himself. My heart ached, and I hoped and prayed that no vampire would ever set foot near Forks or La Push again.

Maybe I'd have to launch an all out assault on Volterra, and the Volturi, to ensure they were permanently eradicated. I doubted any of the other vampires we had invited to Forks would ever return, but the Volturi still haunted my mind. One 'what if' I knew I could never really do much about, no matter how much I wished it. Some things were out of my hands, and I needed to learn to deal with that.

Like I was learning, every day, to deal with this growing emptiness inside. Nothing so far seemed to help, but I wasn't giving up. As I'd said to Jacob that day, so many, many months ago: I could do so much better than I had, and I was. For each day, each week passing, my resolve strengthened. I was alive and, as I'd come to realize – better late than never, I suppose – it wasn't only Rosalie I had wanted to save, but also myself.

It's funny how we so easily lie to ourselves, yet we never feel guilty about it the way we do when lying to others. Why was that? I didn't know, and maybe I'd never find out, but at least I would try to be honest with myself from now on. That included admitting to one very big lie I had always, somehow, managed to tell myself: I know what I'm doing.

How can an 18 year old girl with no life experience write it off completely? Worse yet, what on earth was I thinking? Did I think at all? Hard as I tried to remember my time in Forks and with Charlie, it was fuzzy at best. The clearest memories I had were of the ghost of a girl I recognized as myself. And those of a boy with a sunny smile and a warm embrace. Sometimes I would see a beach or a garage, and with it came the faint, tangy, rusty smell of seaweed, damp wood and oil, then, lastly, the taste of flat soda . . .

My eyes lowered to look at the bucket of not-so-frozen-anymore yoghurt in my lap. It was all a blur. I sighed, and rose from the sofa to return it to the freezer before it melted completely. As usual, Edward had left his plate on the counter. How difficult was it to rinse it and put it into the dishwasher? Why did I care? _Because he always does it. Just as he forgets to put the milk back into the fridge after breakfast in the morning,_ I pointed out. _Or, how he puts all his clothes in the hamper the way he stepped out of them. Inside out. Ugh. Get over it!_ I shrugged it off and puttered around the kitchen, cleaning it up, before I finally felt ready to sit down with my books.

I was all wrapped up in genotypes when a soft knock on the door only just registered and, reluctantly, I looked up as Edward appeared in the doorway.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

I leaned on one elbow. "Sure. How was the turn up?"

Instantly his face lit up, and he stepped up to the desk. "Very good," he happily shared with me. "Thomas' solo was brilliant, he stunned them all into silence." Thomas was the saxophonist, and not at all what you'd expect. Not only was he short, but also very slim, and the times I'd been to listen I was always left to wonder how such big sounds could come out of such a small person.

"Maybe I should come with you next time, it's been a while," I suggested lightly, earning a surprisingly neutral response.

"I know you don't like jazz, Bella, you don't have to on my account."

I raised an eyebrow. "Maybe I need a second opinion before I give up hope," I offered in a playful tone that felt way too forced.

His brows rose ever so slightly, and then he leaned back against the edge of my desk, crossing his ankles. "All right. If that's what you want." It wasn't, not really, but I was curious about his lack of enthusiasm. Since I didn't answer, he looked down at my books. "Did you manage to get any studying done, or did you talk to Rose all evening?"

A little smile crept onto my lips. "I did talk to Rose, but not for very long. They were in the middle of arranging some sort of a birthday celebration. Do you remember Meg?" We had been down to Hope twice, and it was the loveliest place I'd ever seen, apart from... La Push. Actually, it might very well be even more beautiful, disregarding First Beach – what little I remembered still filled me with a sense of longing.

"Ah, yes. The rowdy one with colorful language," he recalled, not bothering to hide his dislike. Here we went again. I needed a diversion.

"Well, it's not important, I suppose-" I bit my lip, cussing silently. Why did I always feel like I had to just agree with him? God. _Old habits die hard_, I thought bitterly. _Bella – calm down,_ I added. Edward had picked up one of my pencils and was twisting it in his hands while looking at me expectantly. I took it from him. "What's with you and playing with everything?" I asked, genuinely curious, as I realized, now when I thought about it, that he did it quite a lot.

"I told you," he said simply, as if I was supposed to know what he was talking about. Seeing my confused expression he let out a laugh, making me jump.

"What?"

"Now who hasn't been listening?"

Oh. "You're a kinesthetic learner," I remembered now. "But what's that got to do with playing with peas and pencils?" I prompted, wiggling the pencil at him.

"In simple terms: learning by doing."

"Ah," I said, feeling my keen sense of curiosity take me over. "So you were listening, then?" I concluded.

"Well, yes and no. I know you were talking about peas," he said with a sheepish grin.

"No surprise there. You were playing with them," I replied with a smile. "So, um, is this something you studied while you were a vampire?"

Edward chuckled. "No. Actually, I learned it off a girl in my English class. She's studying Elementary Education," he informed me, and something in his eyes changed as he continued. "We had lunch together one day, and she told me about this class she's taking, where they study the various types of learning styles and how to incorporate them in a classroom to reach the most number of students. I'll explain it to you-" I pursed my lips as his hand automatically went for my marker.

"-there are three categories; visual learners, auditory learners, the ones leaning toward reading or writing as a preference, and then, lastly, the kinesthetic learners, or – what did she also call them-" he paused, pinching the bridge of his nose. "-ah! Tactile learners. They're called do-ers, too. And the object you're handling doesn't even have to relate to the subject. The act, alone, tricks the brain into thinking that you're 'doing', and in turn helps the tactile learners retain information." His smile was jubilant.

_Lovely_. "Well, it's nice to know you can listen to someone," I replied dryly, making him stiffen, and he gave me an incredulous look.

"Oh no. No you don't. Bella? Our problems have nothing to do with Lauren!"

That name on his lips was like a slap in the face, and I retaliated instantly. "Oh _Lauren_, is it? Of course it _has_ to be a Lauren!" I rose from my chair, snatching the marker from his hands. "And what do you mean, Edward? You think we have problems? What the hell?"

_Breathe, Bella, breathe!_

"In fact, I think we do," he told me with an air of calm and superiority which only fed my irritation. "Look at us, always fighting about these absurd things. And look at you-"

"Me?" I almost squeaked. "I'm not the one having lunch with _Lauren!_" I stared at him, my face hot while humiliation surged through me.

"Oh, Bella," he said in a condescending tone, standing up to give me a hard look. "And I am the only one who spends time with someone of the opposite sex in this marriage? Your study group is full of men, and how many times have I heard 'Jonas told me this' and 'Guess what Steven did today?' and let's not forget the endless texting and hours you spend weekly talking to Jacob – do not imply that I am cheating, Bella. Do _not._" He exhaled, shaking his head, then sank back down to sit on the edge of the desk, suddenly all forlorn. "I – we barely talk these days," he conclusively finished.

"God, Edward, I _try!_ All the time, but you just...just won't _listen!_ And that's why..." -that's why I spend so much time talking to others, too. I felt the tears stinging behind my lids. "I'm sorry," I whispered, covering my face with my hands and slumped into my chair. What was happening to us?

"Please, stop saying sorry all the time," he ordered gently, and I know it wasn't meant to be a jab, but everything about today was one big fat fail.

"But I _am_ sorry!" I exploded as I shot out of my chair. "_God!_" And with that I left the room. If I stayed, we would just continue and continue, and there would be no end to it.

I passed one of the many rooms we had, while on my way downstairs. Why did we have a guest room? People rarely came to stay. And what good was the patio we'd spent an obscene amount of money on building when we didn't invite anyone for a barbeque? Or the big TV, and movies, that still would have been in their wrapping if I hadn't spent so many nights watching them without him while he played the piano, or the guitar, or composed music on his super computer!

We did plenty of things, just not together. Rarely together. _Try harder,_ Bella, the inner voice pressed. _Call Alice, invite them over for dinner tomorrow, or why not a trip to the lake? You all enjoyed it last time._ I had to hold on to everything just to stop myself from screaming out loud.

It was late, and it was cold and I was tired, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep. Instead I steered for the laundry to pull on my sweats and hoodie; they could withstand one more use. After that I went to grab my phone, adding the hands free, as I went for the door to pull on my trainers. Some music and a walk would hopefully do it. A brisk walk.

By the time I got back and had gone through my nightly routine, I found Edward asleep with an open book on his chest. I picked it up carefully and returned the bookmark before putting it down on his nightstand, finally switching the light off.

"Good night, Edward," I whispered and slipped into bed, bundling up in my comforter.

He answered with incoherent mumbling. "Mm – take it down a notch – A-7 – strum it-" And then broke off with a snore.

I buried my face in my pillow, not knowing whether to laugh or cry.

**o~*iii*~o**

The next morning, Edward surprised me by bringing me breakfast in bed. While eating the toast and drinking my coffee, I suggested that we invite Alice and Jasper for dinner. He gave me a crooked smile and said it was a great idea, at which I promptly threw my arms around him before skipping out of bed to call Alice.

As usual, she was ecstatic and they showed up early, Jasper and Edward disappearing to the basement to talk about who-knows-what, while Alice and I got started on dinner.

"You're in a good mood today," Alice complimented, and I flashed her a grin.

"I am," I said happily. "I get to spend some time with you. Not that I don't see you almost every day," I rambled, trying not to peel my skin instead of the potatoes. "But you rarely come to visit. It's just nice to have some life in the house-" I stopped myself. _God, Bella. Did you have to?_ I bit my lip and glanced guiltily at Alice. She raised an eyebrow, and I sighed. "I'm sorry, Alice – Rose will be in town on Wednesday! You should join us at Arnauld's."

Alice and I used to be close. Much closer than we were now. We saw each other every day, and talked a lot – and, Alice being Alice, was bubbly and happy most of the time – but it constantly felt like we were beating around an invisible bush, and I had no idea why.

Now, however, she was beaming at me. "What time?"

"Eleven-thirty – I have study group later, as you know, so we had to squeeze it-"

"Count me in," she quipped.

"Great!"

"It used to be a struggle getting you to go anywhere," she reminded me teasingly.

I gave her a huge smile. "People change."

"Circumstances change," she countered.

"Maybe it's a case of both?"

Her tiny shoulders rose and fell casually. "Maybe."

I let go of the peeler and wiped my hands on the towel before leaning over the counter to peer up at her face. "Alice?" I prompted in a low voice.

"Yes, Bella?" If I didn't know better I'd say she was slightly irritated, at which I raised an eyebrow.

"What's up?"

She shook her head, and then focused her steel gray eyes on me. "Did you know that the band Edward plays in has been offered an audition at the _Blue Note_ in New York?" The way she emphasized the name of it – I guessed it was a jazz club – gave me the impression I should know the place. What more, it sounded like she was accusing me of – what? Not letting him go?

"Um – no, I didn't know." I sighed when she rolled her eyes at me, as if to say: _you're-so-stupid._

"He refuses to go!" she exclaimed, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "He says it wouldn't feel right to leave you here, like you're a child that needs babysitting!"

I stiffened, then leveled her with a stern look. "Once upon a time, you both thought I did." They did. Alice had kidnapped me to make sure I didn't do anything to attract the apocalypse. God forbid I'd fall and bruise myself. I stilled in awe at the sudden memory, and then made my face relax. "Never mind. I can tell you right now that I had no idea, but I'll talk to him. Of course he should go."

He couldn't listen or talk to me, but he insisted on not leaving my side. Was it just duty, or because I was a walking disaster? I'd probably stumble through the rest of my life, in one way or another, so that was irrelevant, not to mention a ridiculous excuse. Either way, I wouldn't let him miss out on an opportunity like this because of me. New York? That could possibly lead to Broadway, for crying out loud. Infuriating man!

I waited to confront him until after Alice and Jasper left. Once the dining table was cleared and the dishwasher started, I made my way downstairs to find him leaning over the piano, scribbling notes to, no doubt, a new song. He looked up, surprise raising his brows.

"Hey," I said, smiling, and went to sit down on the piano bench, touching the keys gently. I felt his curious gaze as I tried to formulate what to say to him. "This is what you want to do, isn't it? I mean, you're studying it, you're in a band and play at a club every weekend..." I looked up and met the assertiveness in his face.

"Yes, Bella. You know it is."

I nodded, happy with his answer. "Then why are you holding yourself back?"

At first, he looked confused, and then, as I saw him connect the dots, he let out a groan. "Alice," was all he said, and I grinned. "I told her – gah. Bella, I-"

"Edward," I interrupted gently. "It's fine – nuh uh-" I held my finger up to stop him, "-it is. And I want you to go. It's a great opportunity for you. Don't worry about me. I'll have Alice and, in worst case, Rose will come up and keep me company – you know I'll be fine, Edward."

"But it's my resp-"

"No, Edward," I said firmly. "It's not. Your responsibility is to make the most out of each and every opportunity you get; you don't have forever anymore, and you can't spread yourself thin on my account. I won't let you. I'll go with you-" I took a deep breath. "-if that's what it takes. You _are_ going."

He chuckled. "You're quite adorable when you're determined."

"And you're infuriating when it comes to your principles. I can't believe you'd even consider missing out on something like this." I'd said it as lightly as I could.

"What can I say? You know me, Bella."

I sighed. "Yeah, I do. And you're hopeless, Edward. Please tell me you're going, or I'll-" I paused, looking around for something blunt. "-beat you over the head with something until you see sense."

"That won't be necessary," he said, his eyes laughing at me. "Truthfully, though, Bella, I don't doubt you'd be fine on your own." He came to sit down next to me. "I know you're not helpless."

"What, then?" I eyed him as he pulled a hand through his hair, then he gave me a wistful smile.

"We barely spend time together as it is," he said finally. "And I'm afraid that, if I go, it will only separate us even more."

I smacked my forehead. "Honestly..."

"Easy, love. Don't hurt yourself." He grinned when I gave him an unimpressed look.

"Ha ha."

"I'm sorry," he apologized. "Now, Bella, I do want to go, I really do, but there are sacrifices that one must sometimes make, and this is why I didn't want to say anything. I knew you would push for me to go. You sacrifice a lot for me, love, so I have to, as well."

"Oh, Edward," I whispered, shaking my head. "Not this, you don't." As I watched his face, I knew; I understood that he truly was just scared of what the distance would do to us. What could I say to reassure him when I, now that I got it, felt the same way? I had absolutely no idea.

"It's in two weeks, Bella, and I know you have exams coming up. I did consider talking to you about it, but I knew it wouldn't be possible."

My eyes lit up. "Exactly," I exclaimed. "Because that isn't a sacrifice I make. It's for my future career, it's my education. And music is yours. That isn't a sacrifice you make, Edward. If it's anyone's, it's mine. I have to let you go so that you can pursue your dreams. And it's only for – how long is it for?" I wondered suddenly.

"Only a few days," he confessed with a boyish smile.

"Jeez, Edward! We'll survive! Don't be silly."

He chuckled and leaned in to kiss my forehead. "Very well," he said. "I'll go." I resisted the urge to jump up and sing 'hallelujah, he has seen the light.'

"_Good._" I smiled. "And next time, please, talk to me, Edward."

"Yes, yes," he said dismissively, but his face was exultant, and I touched his cheek lightly.

"No sacrifice is worth your own happiness," I told him, and as I said it, something inside me gave a slight tug, but only just. "Okay." I rose from the bench. "I really have to go work on my Punnett Squares," I declared.

His brows pulled together in confusion. "Punnett Squares?"

"Yep. It's a diagram," I offered, not wanting to go into it, since I knew he wasn't interested in genetics. But instead he surprised me.

"What does it do?" he asked with a sheepish grin.

"Um." I deliberated. "I can show you if you want," I offered warily.

He gestured toward the stairs. "After you."

I grinned. "Okay."

Once we were in my study I flipped my notepad to a clean sheet and started scribbling an example, explaining as I went along. He stood, leaning over my shoulder, and I kept an eye on him, making sure I didn't bore him to death. Even though he seemed to be listening, he appeared to be rather thoughtful.

"So, Nessie got her brown eyes, because that's the dominant trait, but if you look here," I said, pointing toward the diagram I'd drawn out, "you can see that there's a possibility of our other kids getting your green eyes."

"Ah, yes," he said in a strange tone, letting out a chuckle. "But that's not for a while yet."

"Huh?" I glanced up at his awkward expression, and I swore he looked almost... uncomfortable? "What?"

"Children," he hedged, and now I could definitely tell that he wasn't completely at ease. "We agreed on waiting, didn't we? I mean. You're studying, and I'm studying, and..." He reached up, ruffling his hair.

I blinked stupidly. "What are you talking about?" I continued staring at his face. "It was just an example, Edward. _God_." I shook my head. "Obviously I didn't mean _now_." When he didn't say anything, I turned to face him fully. "Why are you being so weird about it?"

He shrugged. "I..."

My eyes narrowed. "Did you think I meant now?"

"No."

"O-kay..."

"I'm going to make some coffee, would you like some?"

"Um – sure, but-" I stared after him in disbelief as he turned and left the room. What the hell was that all about? I wondered, still gazing dumbly into the dim hallway outside my study. Just as I was about to get up to follow, my cell started vibrating across my desk. I glanced at the caller ID.

_'Jake calling...'_

**o~*iii*~o**

My lips tugged into a smile and I picked it up.

"Hello there, stranger," I said, faking a low voice, and Jacob snorted at me on the other end before answering.

"Yeah, yeah. I see – so this is how it is now, huh? No 'Hi, Jake!' or 'I missed you!' Just-" and he cleared his throat demonstratively, then lowered his voice, making him sound far more appealing than my own attempt. "'_Hey there, str_'-" he cussed, and there was a shuffle.

"Jake?"

"Yep. All good, I'm good. I was going to call last night, but yeah."

"It's fine, Jake. Rose told me you were celebrating Meg's birthday – damn, wish her happy birthday from me, okay? I forgot to tell Rose."

"Sure, sure."

"How's the cat?"

"Huh?"

I laughed. "Did Rose manage not to kill it?"

"Oh – right. Tiddles?"

"T-tiddles?" I barely managed to suppress a giggle. "She never mentioned it's name. Seriously... _Tiddles_?" I could almost see him shrugging.

"Yeah, well, that's Jamie for you. She gives everything and everyone weird names."

Jamie, Jamie... where had I – oh! "Meg's niece, right?"

"Yep. And she can't hold her liqueur, but she's totally oblivious to it, which makes it so damn funny. I had to carry her home last night, and just as I thought I was home free she vomited all over me." Jacob chuckled when I made a gross noise in the back of my throat. "I've yet to see you drunk, Bells," he said suggestively. "I think you'd be hilarious."

"Ha ha. Don't count on it, hell will freeze over before that happens," I vowed, which made him snort a laugh.

When he replied, his voice was full of promise. "You say that now... Just you wait. Haven't you been to any parties yet? You are in college, right? Or wait, did you ever graduate from high school?"

I sniffed. "Actually, no – I'm still in preschool, and Daddy says alcohol is bad for you and makes nice little girls do naughty things."

A beat, and then, "Oh, yeah?"

"Mm-hm."

"Like what?"

"Oh, I don't know, like-" I shrugged. "-deciding it would be interesting to climb a tree naked?"

A strange noise came from the other side of the line, and then a scratchy thud followed by a "Shit," and suddenly Jacob's voice was very far away. "_We're good, just a temporary loss of fine motor skills._"

"Huh? Jake?"

"_Give me a sec, Bells – oh, crap – fucking hell..._"

I frowned at my cell and his voice still being so distant. "Did you drop your phone, or something?"

"_Uh...yeah. Sucker got away from me,_" he confessed in a rush. "_And the cover, sort of, I don't know, I can't find the back panel – goddammit_ – ah, got it." I held the cell away from me, waiting for the scuffing and clicking noises to stop- "Bells?" -and brought the phone back to my ear.

"Yeah?" I drawled. "Situation under control?"

"Uh huh. Nothing I can't handle," he said, and I smirked.

"Sounds to me like you can't, Jake."

There was a slight pause, followed by a laugh. "Since when did you get a sense of humor, honey?"

I sucked my breath in, then puffed it out indignantly. "So mean."

"Nah. Plus, it's not like I'm saying it was great either."

"You laughed," I pointed out.

"'Cause it was so bad?"

My mouth fell open. "Wow."

"I know, I know – I'm that good, right?"

I groaned in disgust. "Ugh – how do you all fit there together with your ego?"

"Alaska's pretty big..."

"Of course." I rolled my eyes. "Soon you'll have to learn Russian."

Jacob chuckled. "I'm kinda liking this sarcasm thing you've got going there."

I grinned. "Thanks. I _think_... Anyway, the business must be pretty good, right? Rose said she and Leah are coming into town to meet with some clients?"

"Yeah, that was kind of random, actually. As you know, we do general repairs and all that, and I mean, that's like, at least fifty percent of the revenue-"

"Fifty? Are you doing less restorations now?"

There was a slight pause. "Well, sort of, yeah. I just don't have time for it anymore, what with all the new customers constantly dropping in and stuff. Who would've thought, in a small place like this?" He was grinning, I heard it clearly in his voice.

"So what about the random thing, then?"

"Oh, yeah. You're not gonna believe this," he said, sounding ready to burst. "You know India, right?"

"Of course I do, it's your baby."

"Yeah, well – I got her off a client. So anyways, his son found my details, and contacted me – thinks I'm Jake Jr. by the way-" Jacob chuckled. "-so he calls me, and apparently he's taken over his Daddy's firm, and is going to turn it into some fancy museum type shit, and asks me if I'm doing restorations like my Daddy. _Sure, sure,_ I say, and he had a fine piece of vintage sent up – naturally, wanting to see what I can do – and when he comes to check it out he nearly shits a brick... and... tells me he wants me to handle the restorations for his little car museum."

"_Holy_ crow, that's great, Jake!"

He groaned. "We've gotta get you a better vocab, honey – seriously, holy crow?" Then he whispered, "You're over one-hundred years old."

"Who cares about my vocab," I said dismissively. "You should-"

"Say 'fuck'."

"What?"

"Say it."

I sputtered. "No."

"Yes."

"No!"

"Go on."

"Jake." I laughed. "Absolutely not!"

"I'll let you drive India..."

"No, Ja – what? Are you serious?"

Silence.

"Thought so."

"Aw, c'mon, Bells! It's just a word."

I snorted. "If it's just a word, then why so pushy, huh?"

"I don't know. I'm a guy, and I'm juvenile. I just like the word 'fuck'." I couldn't help it. I burst into a fit. "What?" he asked defensively, but I couldn't talk, instead I held my stomach, gasping. "Jeez, Bella. Get a grip."

"_God!_ Can't – _breathe!_"

"Not my fault," he said, but he was smiling. Big. "Christ, honey. Have you been smoking? First the sarcasm, now this?"

"Stop!"

He chortled. "No. You stop first. Fuck, you're making me laugh here at nothing, you're bad influence."

I wiped at my eyes. "Me? You're the one asking me to say _fuck!_"

Jacob lost it, and somehow I could see him doubling over. The occasional whimper, in between all the snorts and laughs, made it all the harder for me to reel it in. "Okay – shit."

"Holy crap, Jake." I drew in a shaky breath. "I've gotta go, seriously, I need the toilet. Badly."

"Oh, jeez, thanks."

"You're welcome," I quipped.

"At least you said it."

I blinked. "Huh?"

"Fuck, Bella, not that you gotta pee. Christ, you're dense sometimes."

"Oh." More laughter bubbled up my throat. "Well, you tricked me into it."

"Sure, sure. Whatever you say, honey. Go, go. Your turn next."

"Yup. Bye, Jake."

We always took turns calling, and even if we'd been doing it for over a year now, it had just become a habit to say it. I hurried out of my study and rushed to the toilet. I'd been so sure I was going to pee my pants, which could have been embarrassing to say the least.

Edward sat by the dining table with two cups when I came downstairs, and I gave him a smile, thanking him for the coffee.

"I'm sorry for running out on you like that," he began, and I shook my head.

"It's fine, Edward. Don't worry about it."

He gave me a smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, and wasn't much of anything compared to what it once had been. In fact, as I looked at him, a memory popped into my head. One of him, but so very different to who and what he was now, and then, just as quickly, it was gone. I'd expected to be stunned – hadn't I once? Come to think on it, when was the last time my heart had fluttered crazily? No weakness in the knees, no shortness of breath or the floor shifting under my feet. It was all... gone.

"Are you all right, Bella?" he asked in concern.

"Yeah," I replied softly. "I'm good." I turned and walked back upstairs to my study, deciding to give it one more hour before bedtime. It ended up being two, but I had a bad habit of becoming slightly obsessive. Something I also tried to learn how to control, and not always with as much success as I would have liked but, as with everything else, I was getting there.

Sunday wasn't very eventful, and before I knew it, it was Monday again. I settled back into my weekly routine, which consisted of my studies, a visit to the gym afterward – unless I was absolutely drained. I would stop by to have a chat to Alice before going home to study, cook, clean, more studying, sometimes a walk and, finally, bed. Only to rise the next morning and do it all over again. It was no wonder I did so well, considering the amount of time I spent studying; apart from my study group, I didn't have much of a social life.

I hadn't decided yet whether this bothered me or not, but the temporary conclusion was simple: if I was undecided, that meant that I had doubts, which told me something was changing. _I_ was changing, because solitude had never bothered me before, at least, not that I could remember.

Alice was waiting for me outside Arnauld's at 11:25 as I arrived. She still did that characteristic little bounce which told me she was all excited, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her. Rather a bouncing Alice than a pouting one, I decided.

"Bella!"

I laughed. "God, Alice, we saw each other yesterday," I reminded her as she wrapped her arms around me. "Are you that excited?"

"Yes! I haven't seen Rose for-" she paused, thinking, while I opened the door for us. "-a very long time," she finally decided, as we walked inside.

Arnauld's was a very nice, but family friendly, restaurant – extremely popular all the same – and it wasn't difficult to spot Rosalie as she stood up at a table, just about center stage. Now I couldn't hold back, and I rolled my eyes. Of course Rosalie wanted to be seen, and she was. Heads always turned when she walked in the room, even now. I wondered what they would all say if they knew she spent most of her time buried in engines, oil and soot. Not that there were any telltale signs.

"Bella, baby!"

I groaned inwardly, but flashed her a big smile. "Rose!" I loved her, but I didn't have to like it that she called me baby, or babe. She grabbed my face and kissed my cheeks.

"Aw, look at you! You're filling out – turn," she ordered, "let me see." I obeyed with, what I hoped was a _must-I-really-live-through-this-humiliation_ expression on my face. She gave me a low and discreet whistle.

"Stop it, already," I begged, even if I knew she was right. I had noticed myself that I wasn't skin and bones anymore. But that wasn't really a surprise, was it? How thin had I been when I transformed into a vampire? I'd been all but sucked dry from the inside out, and while all my bones and tissues were instantly healed, the venom couldn't bring back what was lost. Really, I could have been stuck a twig for eternity, and not even realized.

"I'm not going to stop," she informed me with firm finality. "You look fabulous."

"Shh!" I hushed her. "Can we sit down now?" I added in a whisper, leaning closer to Rosalie. "People are looking at us, if you hadn't noticed."

She had, and she flashed me a wicked smile. "That's the point, you idiot. God, Bella. Soak it up a little, will you?"

"I've soaked up quite a bit," I told her dryly. "As you've just pointed out to the entire restaurant."

Alice shoo-ed me away, giving Rosalie a hug, who didn't seem as enthusiastic anymore. They had never really been close, but Alice insisted on being friends with everyone, even if they didn't like her.

I ordered a seafood salad and a bruschetta with sundried tomatoes, while Rosalie surprised me with a large chicken salad; not one, and not two, but three bruschettas topped with black olives and avocado. And a large banana milkshake.

"You're not pregnant are you?" I jokingly asked, and Rosalie froze, staring at me.

"What?"

Automatically, by old habit, we turned to Alice who stifled back a fit of giggles. "Well, well – don't look at me! It's all in the hands of the future now, isn't it?"

"But you still see things, right?" Rosalie asked, sounding nervous.

Alice's shoulders slumped. "Sometimes, but... not the way I used to! Half of it doesn't even make any sense – besides-" she straightened while pursing her lips. "-I wouldn't be able to see anything, since you live surrounded by were-"

"Alice!" Rosalie and I hissed in unison.

"Fine." She pouted.

It was so nice to see Rosalie again and, as always, it made me wish that she didn't live so far away. She was thriving, it really was the best way to explain her state of being, and working with cars wasn't her only pastime. When she didn't tune up an engine, she took turns with Jacob to give the kids in the area something to do. Their arrival in Hope, and the opening of their business, hadn't only brought more activity to the town, but being a remote, smaller community, there hadn't been much for the kids to do. They had a community center, which now, thanks to Rosalie and Leah, always flurried with activity. I still couldn't believe those two actually got along, but they both loved kids, so I guessed that was what brought them together.

On top of it all, Rosalie ran a yoga group for the women of Hope. She had an inner drive that never ceased to amaze me and, possibly, this was one of the many explanations to why she had been – in all honesty – one hell of a bitch as a vampire. Rosalie was meant to be around people, she was meant to be something greater than what she had been. And, when it all boils down, being a vampire really isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"God. I think I ate too much." Rosalie leaned back and puffed her cheeks. "But, damn, it was good." She winked at me when I stared at her empty plates.

"Maybe living with Jacob and Company has just rubbed off on you," I suggested, and her eyes widened.

"Have you seen how much they eat?" she asked incredulously, and I nodded as I took a sip of my coffee.

"You're catching up," I teased.

Rosalie patted her stomach, shaking her head. "Ugh. I don't think so – Embry's definitely the worst, and he has no table manners. He's just as much of a pig as Emmett." At that we both laughed.

"Give me minute," I said, rising from the chair. "I need the ladies room." On the way to the bathroom I wondered what was up with Alice. She always talked incessantly, but now she was being almost disconcertingly quiet.

I hurried to get my business done, checking my cell – I had fifteen minutes before I had to be back on campus. Luckily it wasn't far away, but I had a feeling I would run late. When I came back to the table, Rosalie and Alice were locked in an intense argument.

"Knock it off, already, Alice. It's none of your damn business!" Rosalie snapped, and I stared at them both in bewilderment.

"Hey, what's going on?" I pulled the chair out and sat down, looking between Rosalie's flushed face to Alice's irritated frown. "Maybe, um, take it outside or something?" I glanced around, noticing a puffy faced businessman at the table next to us, watching them with an unimpressed look on his face.

"I'm not taking this anywhere," Rosalie nearly growled under her breath, and got up stiffly. "And you'd better keep it to yourself, Alice, or I swear-" she cut off, her lips pursed as she bit back on whatever else she was going to say. She squinted her eyes. "Mind your own goddamn business, okay?"

Alice gave an indignant sniff. "I'm just trying to help," she said sourly, and Rosalie exhaled sharply, as if someone had slapped her.

"_God!_" She leaned over the table. "But you're not. We are real people, Alice, and our lives are not your private playground!" With that she straightened, and shoved a few bills at me. "I'm sorry, babe, but if I don't leave now, I won't be held accountable for my actions, and I'd like to be able to come back here. Their bruschettas are fucking fantastic!" A faint gasp could be heard from the small company of elderly ladies sitting two tables away, and I thought I heard something along the lines of 'good heavens.'

I stared after Rosalie, gaping, as she stormed out of the restaurant, then turned slowly to Alice, not able to get words past my lips. Not only hadn't I heard Rosalie use 'fuck,' or any version thereof, before, but I hadn't seen her furious like this either.

Alice shifted in her chair. "Maybe she is pregnant," she said lightly, waving her hand toward my cup. "Oh come on, sit down and finish your coffee, Bella."

Slowly, I sat down and reached for the cup. "What was that all about?" I looked at Alice expectantly, who slightly hitched one shoulder. "Alice," I warned her, "I hate secrets, and you know it. Spit it out," I demanded, my voice calm and even.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, but you asked for it." As if she'd have bad news. Still, my stomach did a nervous flip. "Did you know that Jacob and Jamie went on a date?" It took me a second, or two, to swallow, before I managed to kick myself in the butt. Why wouldn't Jacob date? Perfectly normal. _It's what people do,_ I told myself. _They date. They meet people- _

"No I didn't," I told her in a neutral tone. _-and, really, Jamie was a nice girl – not that it __mattered what__** I**__ thought of her, because, well... It was none of my business-_ "Well, it's a good thing," I continued distractedly, half noticing Alice scrutinizing my face. _-it was __**his**__ business, and, of course I wanted him to be happy. If this was what he wanted, then I wanted that for him, too. He deserved that. At least __**one**__ of us would be happy..._ Something twisted in my stomach, but I ignored it. "I don't understand why that would upset Rose, though," I finally said, puzzled.

Alice's expression brightened, like someone had flipped a switch. "I know! I suppose she just thought that Jacob should be the one to tell you, which I'm sure he will – you two being such good friends and all-" she paused, taking a sip of her own coffee. "-even after all this time."

Why hadn't he told me? _He doesn't have to tell you all the ins and outs of his life,_ I reminded myself. _He's under no obligation to tell you anything. But...we're best friends,_ I argued. _Yes, and best friends are happy for each other, and support each other in whatever the other chooses to do with his or her life. Because it __**is**__ his life, and you have __**no**__ claim on it._

_Shut up!_ I was past this inner debate about Jacob, and I hadn't indulged in it for – God knows how long. I could see why Rosalie hadn't wanted Alice to tell me; she knew I had a tendency for going introverted and wallowing. I was over it. I really _was_ over it.

"I'm sure he'll tell me when there's something to tell," I rationally told her, and forced a smile, before I stood up. "I really have to get back to campus, or I'll get in trouble."

"It's probably nothing. She's close, and it's comfortable, and it's easy to take her out. They're probably just friends," Alice said sympathetically, which made me pause, and I watched her pixie features, studying her closely. Something ugly simmered beneath all my hard work, and if I didn't know better, it felt like she was deliberately trying to push me over the edge.

"Alice." My voice betrayed me, in spite of my efforts, and I could feel the angry tears burning my eyes. "Edward is my _husband_... and this? This conversation is _over_." I grabbed my bag and went to pay, handing them my credit card. "It's my treat, so put it all on there," I said, fighting hard to stay composed.

The lady, looking to be in her forties, glanced discreetly toward the table where Alice still sat, then gave me a small smile. "Did you enjoy the meal, Miss?" She swiped my card and handed me the receipt.

"Yes. You have great bruschettas," I told her, cursing like a sailor in my head as I felt a stupid tear escape, but scribbled my signature, and then waited for her to give me the card and carbon copy back.

"Next time, try one of our Focaccias, they're to _die_ for." She winked, and I told her thanks, before leaving as fast as was proper without seeming rude.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw myself on the ground and kick my legs and arms like a two-year old. I really, really, _really wanted to!_ Instead I yanked the door open to my car and tossed my bag into the backseat, wincing when I remembered my laptop was in there.

"_Fuck!_" I hissed and slammed the door shut after sitting down in my seat. I grabbed the steering wheel tightly. Jacob would have loved to hear that – and that was it; I slumped over as the sobs shook my body. Why? Why would she say things like that? I was married to Edward, and – it was irrelevant whether Jacob dated or not, let alone for what reasons or how much or little it meant to him. It had nothing to do with me. _It's his life, damn it!_ _Not for me to judge, not for Alice to __meddle in._ _Jacob's, damn it. Jacob's!_

I all but slaughtered the gearbox on the way back to campus, but it gave me an outlet, and if the damn car broke down due to my immature behavior I had several lifetimes worth of savings, so, really, who the hell gave a damn! _For once,_ I told myself, _I'll be appreciative of being filthy rich. I'll not care, I'll not whine. I'll just be so damn grateful for the prerogative to not care!_

By the time I stepped into the classroom I was fully composed, and my mental lapse was all but forgotten. So was Alice's hurtful behavior – for now.

The next two weeks passed as if nothing had happened. I still went to see Alice before going home every day, and I didn't mention anything about the incident at Arnauld's. Edward and I invited them again for dinner the following weekend, finally making use of the patio; we enjoyed a thoroughly nice barbeque. It was a bit cold outside, but when you're bundled up in warm, fluffy jackets, it's sort of cozy.

Edward left for New York on that Thursday, and wouldn't be back until Monday night, but we promised to call, and talk. The strange thing about that was that neither of us even made an attempt to call until Saturday. We didn't even say anything about having forgotten. When Sunday drew to an end, I found myself sitting on the sofa, watching a romantic comedy with Rosalie, who had come up to tell me, face to face, that she was, in fact, pregnant. She ended up in tears, as I hugged her tightly, telling me she was scared to death, but that it was great.

I, myself, felt guilty. Yes, I was happy for her sake, and about the fact that she insisted I become the baby's Godmother. But. Edward wasn't here for me to argue with, to play with his peas when I tried to talk to him, or to throw his socks in the hamper, inside out – which was so childish to care about, but now I didn't have to worry about that. Basically, it was just me and, as horrible as I felt to admit it, it just felt... really _good_.

**o~*iii*~o**


	14. White Blank Page

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

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_And can you kneel before the king and say I'm clean, I'm clean. / Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life. / Mumford & Sons._

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**White Blank Page**

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**o~*iii*~o**

_**June 2105**_

About two weeks after Bella left the farm, Leah, Embry and I decided it was time to revisit the past. I put my business on ice, and we flew down to Seattle, and then drove all the way to La Push in a rental car. Over the years I'd kept in touch with Sam, and I'd promised to come visit, but there had always been some excuse to postpone it. So when we rocked up at his house he'd been all smiles – at first. But then Leah stepped out of the car. They'd made a temporary truce, though, so we could get through a decent reunion—those few weeks in La Push had been pretty hairy after that first evening. Not in the literal sense, but a century of unresolved issues don't fix themselves overnight.

During the stay in La Push, I found out Sam had known all along about Embry leaving, and why he'd left. To top it off, and it explained a thing or two, Embry came clean about how he'd managed to go off on his own – leaving Sam's pack should've put him with me, but if you answer the Alpha's call in your blood, you're free to go your own way. And that's exactly what Embry had done.

It was all water under the bridge now, but Embry had made a promise to Bella to keep things secret, since her mind was the only one that had been protected from Edward's awesome meddling skills. Sam had been the exception, and it was just as well. Not only did they figure out the Alpha-thing together, but it also explained why Embry had phased before me, _and... _that he and Sam were half-brothers.

We'd always wondered who his Dad was, but somehow I'd suspected it was Sam's, since he had taken off. Shows a man's guilty of _something_ if he just ups and leaves without a word. Leah speculated if it could have been an imprinting fiasco, and, let's face it, they happen. The theory she came up with, earned her a stern look from Sam: maybe he turned wolf, imprinted on Embry's mom, got caught up in the moment and – voila, one little Embry created. Maybe he was still out there, running. He just lacked a Leah to make his life hell until he returned.

"Weirder things have happened," she'd conclusively rationalized.

Coming back to La Push after a century had been both a blessing and a curse, though. So soon after Bella leaving – yeah, I'd told her to – I was still raw on the inside, and revisiting the 'scene of a crime' was – well, it was hard. I'd steered clear of the beach. I just knew, if I'd gone, it would've been pretty damn ugly . . .

Emily passed away back in 2063, at the age of 76, and Sam had kept phasing a few more years after his youngest daughter – born in 2019 – was buried. When we arrived he'd been wolf-free for five years – not counting the three years it took him to fully get rid of it – which explained the messy ponytail and scraggy beard. He looked like a fucking hippie – still did, but he seemed happy enough. Maybe content was the better word. He'd fulfilled his duty – his words – and made sure his wife and kids had a good and safe life, right to the moment they took their last breath.

That first night, we sat up until sunrise, going through the albums Emily had put together over the years, and they were _full_ of stuff. Not only of Sam's family, but of everyone.

Weddings, births, first day at school, birthday parties, graduations... Getting caught sucking on a beer bottle at the age of ten – trust it to be Quil's son. Seth, proud as cheese, holding the first born kid of his seventeen year old daughter. Christ. If I ever had a girl, I'd lock her up until she'd turned at _least_ thirty.

Basically, those albums had absolutely everything in them. Apparently Sam's and Emily's oldest kid had loved photography, and while I found Leah glancing uncomfortably at some of the framed enlargements on the walls, she never said anything.

We also, while in the area, caught glimpses of Quil's great-grandkids. Seth's, too. Not only that, I saw Rachel's great-granddaughter – my great-niece. She was a cute kid, so Paul's genes couldn't have interfered too much. Shit, was I happy about that.

My Dad's house was still there, too – sort of, considering it was thoroughly fixed up. Not much of the _original_ house was actually left. All in all it was a good thing that I went back. I hadn't realized how much I needed to know that the reservation was okay – to see it with my own eyes – and that they were safe. Much thanks to Sam, no doubt. A couple of vamps had passed through the area over the years, but it had been far enough outside the perimeters to not trigger anything, and Sam had been careful to not draw their attention.

Teens turning into mutant wolves were a thing of the past, or so help me God . . .

Before leaving, Embry and I managed to convince Sam to come to Alaska. We'd all done a lot of talking about the future while there, and came to the conclusion that it was about damn time we made peace with the past. Or gave it our best shot, at least. Having said that, though, I told them I needed to be on my own for a bit, and, after almost four weeks in La Push, I left and took to the road.

That's how I ended up in Hope, drinking coffee one day, on the terrace outside Seaview Cafe. Meg answered my questions about the old, run down auto repair shop on the opposite side of the street. I just couldn't take my eyes off of it. As I sat there, an idea started bouncing around in my numb brain, and, next thing I knew, I found myself calling Blondie with a business proposition.

I hadn't forgotten what she'd done those few weeks I'd gone wolf. Neither had it escaped me how damn good she was at it, and the idea in my head required more than one person.

Originally it was supposed to be strictly restorations, but after tossing a few numbers around, Blondie had me convinced that general repairs and bodywork would guarantee a steady workload. True enough, people wrecked their cars more than ever. Piece of shit modern alloys. Light and cheap, sure, but weak as crap in an accident.

Then there was Emmett, and what he'd meant as a jab for Blondie, turned into the name of our business, _Wreck & Roll._ And the slogan, '_We Meet by Accident_', was just our way of stating the obvious.

Only a few months down the track we were up to our eyeballs in work, and within a matter of weeks, Sam, Leah and Embry had moved to Hope, too. Blondie and I offered Sam partnership, which he gladly accepted, and the rest is pretty much history.

**o~*iii*~o**

"I hate burgers," Jamie said, and I heard paper rustle. "I love the taste, but hate the composition of them, like, it's just not practical. I always end up with half of it on my lap."

All I could see, from where I was, were tennis shoes, knee-high socks – one hiking down as she scratched her leg with her other foot – and a splatter of mayo and lettuce on her knee.

"Jamie, you've got mayo on your knee." And the scratching stopped, her fingers appearing to wipe up the spill.

"Yeah. I was trying to ignore it." I heard her sucking her fingers. "Shit. Tip: don't eat your fingers when you've got lotion on them." She fell silent while chewing, and her feet connected with the concrete as she hopped off the bench; she ducked under the car hoisted above me, coming to hunch down next to me. "Hey," she said. "Need a hand with anything?"

"Nope, not yet, at least."

Jamie was 19, and Meg's niece. Meg was a solid woman with a mouth louder and fouler than a weathered sailor, but with a heart of pure gold. Her parents died when she was a baby, and Meg, not able to have kids herself, took her only sister's kid in with open arms. Together they ran Seaview Cafe, which was more like a small restaurant, but either way, the food was great.

"Hungry?" she asked, holding the burger out to me, and I shook my head, making her shrug before taking another bite. She paused then, the burger hovering in front of her mouth. "Rose puked outside the cafe again today, and when I tried to help her, 'cause she looked like she was gonna ass-plant, she started laughing and said" – she drew quotation marks – "'I've never felt so horrid in my life but I love it.'" Jamie took a bite and gave me a look that said _she's-a-lunatic,_ and pushed the hair out of her face.

"She's just enthusiastic to a fault," I offered. Not really; I knew being human again, and all that went with it, excited Blondie just as much now as it had when she broke her first nail. Jamie let out a laugh; she snorted sometimes when she laughed. Badly.

"Uh, yeah. That's an understatement. I've never seen someone so ecstatic when stuff goes wrong – speaking of things going tit up-" she crawled out from under the car and started rummaging though her bag that sat on the bench, then she came back, holding up something-

"What's that?" I asked, eying what looked like... something knitted. Jamie sighed, rolling her blue eyes.

"Exactly. What is it?"

"A rag or something?"

"I suck at knitting – it was supposed to be a sweater for Rosalie's baby, but – yeah. You said it perfectly; what's that?" She dropped the baby sweater on my chest. "Use it as a rag, I'm not gonna embarrass myself."

"She could use it to wipe the baby's ass," I suggested, and Jamie quirked a brow.

"Rethink that," she prompted, and nodded toward it. I picked it up, stretching it a bit. Yeah. She had a point. "See what I mean?"

"Uh huh. Maybe not." I chuckled. "Shit's probably gonna excite her, though, y'know?" And Jamie crinkled her nose, and took it from me.

"Ew. I can't believe you said that – actually, no. I can. You're disturbed." She scrunched up what was left of her burger and was just about to turn, when I stopped her.

"Jamie."

"Yeah?"

"Can you hold that in place while I tighten it?" Pointing to the clamp behind the exhaust.

"Sure." She dropped the rubbish, and reached up, following my instructions. "I know I keep saying this, and I'm sorry, but your skin burns, Jake." She glanced down at me, as if trying to figure it out. Of course, she didn't know. I was as comfortable with her as with Nessie, and I trusted her, but not with that. No one usually got close enough to tell, but Jamie touched everybody, not just me. It was her thing. I just grinned. "Don't be shy," she said once the clamp was firmly attached, and she sat back and grabbed a hold of my hand, feeling along my wrist while her eyes were on mine. "Do you have some disorder or something?"

Sometimes when she touched me, I couldn't help tensing up. It was reflexive, and I guess she thought I was shy, but the things I could never tell her were the real reasons. _Like being a wolf, and having imprinted on someone. Totally normal stuff for me, but I can't tell you... _"It's something...so difficult I can't even pronounce it," I told her finally, and, technically, I couldn't. It was a version of the truth. Sort of.

She shrugged. "It's practical. You'd be handy in a snowstorm."

"Yeah, thanks. I've been referred to as a space heater, so I guess it's nothing new." I smirked at her, and she laughed.

"Space heater? Good one." As she sat there, she studied my hand intently, like something was written on my skin. "I know that there are things you don't tell me, and I get it." She turned, her smile softer, but serious at the same time. "Just so you know, though, I would never judge you. I'll be the wind, and you can talk, and it'll blow away." She shrugged. "Or something."

"More philosophical stuff?" I teased. I wasn't sure of where, exactly, she was going with her words. Sometimes she'd just talk about things, and I knew she had a point with it, but often it just went right over my head. She dropped my hand, smacking me, but then dimples appeared in her freckled cheeks as her smile grew.

"Sure. Why not?" she agreed. "If it'll help." Then she sank down and folded her arms over my chest, studying my face. I tensed up. _Uh, what's going on?_

"Uh, Jamie?"

"Yeah?" She was still smiling, which made my confusion even worse. "I'm not coming on to you or anything," she said easily, and I swallowed. _Yeah. No. Weird._ "The curiosity is killing me, though."

"Uh – what curiosity?" Then she scooted closer, her short hair still long enough to tickle my face as she leaned in, her eyes on mine.

"When was the last time you kissed someone?" she asked matter-of-factly.

I sputtered, in spite of myself. _No. This isn't freaking me out. Not one bit._ I shrugged. "Who knows," I said hesitantly. "I don't exactly keep count of those things, but uh, a while probably..." _Jeez. What's wrong with you? It's just Jamie. She's not gonna try anything._

"Relax, Jake," she coaxed. "We're just talking."

"Sure, sure. Of course." I offered her a sheepish grin, and a crease appeared between her brows.

"I haven't kissed a guy for...eight months." Her eyes dropped to my mouth, and I'm pretty sure there was a freak-out around the corner. _Move then, dickhead, hello?_ _Yeah, I would, only, I'm sort of in shock and all...yeah, okay – moving._

"I should get back to work and-" Her lips touched mine lightly, and I stilled. _Uh... Hello? Brain? Anyone home?_ Then she placed her hands on the sides of my face and pressed her mouth fully onto mine. _Dear brain: can you give me a call when you get this?_ Before I had any idea of what was happening, I'd buried my hand in her hair and responded to her kiss.

"_Shit._" She laughed when she banged her knee on the toolbox next to me, trying to climb on top of me. I didn't know what was going on really, even if my hands seemed to...and my mouth.

"Crap, sorry," I mumbled, shoving the toolbox away. _Eh, what are you doing? How the hell should I know? Brain took off on a holiday, or some shit._

"It's all good." Then her mouth was on my neck, and _shit that felt sort of nice._ Previously mentioned vacationing brain wasn't helping me, so I'd have to improvise. I grabbed Jamie's hips, flipping her-

"_Oh,_" she gasped, and next thing I knew we were twisting tongues while one of my hands traveled up her side—_boob boob boob—huh? Shut up and go back to work. Okay. Wow... _It had been one hundred years. Literally—_boob boob boob—_but wait. One hundred years ago Jamie wasn't even born. One hundred freaking years ago—my hand crept beneath Jamie's shirt—her great-granny was a teen... like my great-niece... _No no no. Time out. __**Holy hell!**_ _Stop stop stop._ I'd nearly grabbed my great-niece—a _teen's_ boob!

"Jake?"

"Huh?" I should be limping and shriveled and smell like old cheese and I'd nearly touched a child! What the hell was wrong with me? Christ! _Take your hands off the kid!_

"What's wrong?"

"Uh – it's just..." _Really, the boobs I __**should**__ be touching, I mean, women my age, they're like... battling with gravity and shit, fighting the good fight in a nursing home and all. We're talking major shrinkage and stuff. You know what I'm saying, right?_ I cringed, and stared at Jamie's amused expression.

"It's like you've never done this before," she teased.

"Yeah, well, as I said: it's been a while..." _A very, very long while. Probably sometime around the same era as your great-granny's first – ew! Oh my God! _That's gonna leave a scar. Slowly and carefully I withdrew my hand—_hands off hands off hands off—_and pulled her shirt down. _There's a good boy—man! __**Old **__man! _

"Well," Jamie said, placing a gentle kiss on my lips. _Grannies and old cheese, Jake! Grannies and cheese! _"I've gotta get back to the cafe, or Meg'll chew me out."

"Uh, yeah." I let out a nervous sound – a laugh, probably, but it sounded really weird. "Can't have that, can we." Jamie smirked and wriggled away, scrambling along the dirty floor on her knees, snatching up the wrapped leftover burger.

"I'll make you some lunch." She grabbed her bag and walked out of the garage- "It'll be ready in thirty!" -leaving me staring after her. _So wrong. So very, very wrong._

"Yep. And I totally handled it like a man. Uh huh – _Christ._" I shoved out from beneath the car and wiped my hands on my thighs, a shudder running down my spine. "You're a bad man. A bad, _old_ man," I muttered under my breath while grabbing a handful of paper towels to wipe up part of Jamie's lunch that had missed her lap. "Grannies, Jake, and fine, aged cheddar... That's all you gotta worry about."

"_Temptation, frustration_," Emmett sang as he strode passed me with a box on his shoulder. "_So bad it makes him cry._" I turned to cock an eyebrow at him- "_Wet bus stop, she's waiting. His car is warm and dry._" -as he put the box at the end of the bench, then he turned, winking, and continued, "_Don't stand – don't stand so – don't stand so close to-_"

"Okay, I get it. You can stop now," I interrupted with a scowl, and Emmett chuckled while I checked the box. "I ordered these brake-pads _two_ weeks ago – about damn time. Thanks for bringing them in, Em." He shrugged, then focused his eyes on the floor.

"Yeah, no problem..." Stepping forward, he hunched down and picked up – _Jeez. Knitted baby clothes on the floor. This just kept getting better and better. _"So, I passed Jamie-" he prompted. "Gotta tell ya-" He stopped himself, examining and twisting. "-this is one weird looking – what is it?"

"A shirt." I grabbed it and shoved it into my pocket. "And what about Jamie?"

"Well, it's like this-" and the idiot started singing again, "_Inside her, there's longing. This girl's an open page._" I rolled my eyes."_Book marking – she's so close now. This girl is half his age._" He busted out laughing when my jaw slacked. _Oh, fantastic. I'm a cradle snatcher_.

"It's not what you're thinking." I started unpacking the brake-pads, shaking my head.

"She's cute, I get it – _also,_ while older women are _hot_, the whole 'Granny' scenario is stretching it a bit too far." Emmett wasn't the most brilliant mechanic, but he was damn sharp, and often helped me out, catching on fast to my instructions. Not now, though, since he was dead set on giving me shit for the Jamie thing.

"_No._ Really?" I replied with heavy sarcasm.

"Okay. Honestly now, there are a ton of women here in Hope, I mean, have you not seen them?" He went over to the car, grabbing the impact wrench. "Like in Rose's yoga class, for example – damn." And I came to grab the tire while he loosened the nuts. "Mia's a looker-"

"She's got a kid," I reminded him.

"Don't knock the moms. They're sexy – what? The kid's a problem?"

"Jeez. No. Never mind." I shifted the tire to the side as we moved around the car. Mia was a nice woman – sure, she was pretty, too, but... I just couldn't see her like that. Not that I really looked at _anyone_ like that. Especially not Jamie. She was a friend. A really _good_ friend; she'd pulled me out of dark places more times than I could remember. "Okay, look – honestly? I haven't really thought about it."

"Haven't thought about Mia? Or women in general?" he asked in disbelief. I shrugged and lifted the tire off, grabbing the other one as well to move out of the way so I could get started on changing the brake-pads. "_I don't want – anybody else – when I think _about_ you, I touch myself – whoa, I don't want anybody else – oh no, oh no, oh no, oh yeah._"

"Seriously, man, shut up."

"_O-oh I touch myself, whoa-_"

"Christ." The singing was driving me insane, and I was thoroughly tempted to push off early. _Shit_. I was supposed to go eat something, and that meant seeing Jamie, which I wasn't sure I was ready for yet. I didn't even know what I was supposed to say. Would she expect something now? _Fuck sake._

"Jokes aside, dude. You're single, and the ladies obviously like you – try having a chat with someone – hey, I know! Lets go up to Anchorage and hit a bar. No pressure in case it fails, you won't have to meet those women again. It's the perfect solution to get you back into the game." He was watching me expectantly, and I felt a smirk on my lips as I started removing the first brake-pad from the disk. _How you like this, wiseass?_And I started singing.

"_Everybody's talking – all this stuff about me, why don't they just let me live? Tell me why-y – I don't need permission – to make my own decisions – it's my prerogative._"

"Smartass."

"Hey, you started it with the singing."

"It's expressive," Emmett simply stated. "Rose always has the stereo going – even way back – so my head's like a damn jukebox. I was taking a leak the other day, and all of a sudden I've got Grease Lightning in my head." I couldn't help it, but he looked so freaking confused about it that I busted out laughing. "Well, this car is automatic-"

"It's systematic," I filled in while chuckling. Goddammit. Becca and Rach used to watch Grease all the time, and I _still_ remembered this crap.

"It's hy-dromatic!"

"Why it's greased lightnin'!" Both of us sang in unison, then we stared at each other, and I shook my head.

"Man, that's fucked up."

"Yeah, dude. Totally." Emmett flashed me an idiotic grin. "_We'll get some overhead lifters, and four barrel quads, oh yeah._"

"_Keep talkin', whoa keep talkin'._"

"_Fuel injection cut off, and chrome plated rods, oh yeah._"

"_I'll get the money, I'll see you get the money._"

"_With a four-speed on the floor, they'll be waitin' at the door. You know that ain't shit, when we'll be gettin' lots of tit – in greased lightnin'-_" Emmett stopped, letting out a laugh."We're definitely doing a bar-crawl, _and_ karaoke. The chicks will _love_ you, man. I shit you not." His excited expression made me laugh, and I glanced toward the door.

"Hey, Vera," I said, sensing her in the opening to the garage. Emmett ducked to peer toward the entrance.

"Hey, Jake – Gramps' boat won't start, and Jason and I were gonna go fishing-" She came around the car. "-what's with the singing, anyway?" Emmett grinned widely when she glanced at us, and I gave a shrug, digging into my pocket to wipe my hands. Vera busted out a husky laugh. "Um... Dude. What you carrying doll clothes around for?" Emmett guffawed and I shoved it back quickly. _Goddammit._

"So people can ask, of course – why else?"

"You guys are nuts." Vera hurried to follow when I went for the exit.

"I'm taking a look at the boat, then I'm off to lunch," I tossed over my shoulder.

"_And here's to you Mrs. Robinson,_" Emmett broke into fucking song again."_Jesus loves you more than you will know – oh oh oh – God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson – heaven holds a place for those who pray – hey hey hey-_" I shook my head, and Vera watched me with a raised eyebrow.

"Rose's boyfriend is a weirdo," she said. "What _is_ that anyway? Church-music?"

"Nah. It's a classic."

"Classic shit," she corrected, and I rolled my eyes.

"You haven't been around long enough to appreciate it, kid."

"Yeah – whatever." She shoved her hands into her pockets.

Vera and Jason were Mack – short for Maxwell – Buchanan's grandkids. He'd moved to Hope with his parents when he was a teenager, but that was many, many years ago. They came out here from Scotland, opened up a fishing slash tackle and the occasional Fish 'n Chip shop, and hadn't budged since.

The grandkids' folks lived down in San Francisco, but apparently they couldn't handle their kids anymore, so they sent them to live here with their Pop. They were real brats, but – out of control? No. It was probably for the best, though, according to Leah, to whom Vera came into the community center to talk to from time to time. I didn't know exactly what was going on – confidentiality thing – but if _I_ had to choose between a big city and Hope for my own kids... well, it was a no-brain-er.

Leah seemed to have found her calling, and while I knew she'd studied to become a nurse, way way back – and had worked in a hospital on a few occasions – after our visit to La Push, she'd had a change of heart. Helping messed up kids – when she wasn't handling Wreck & Roll's paperwork – was cathartic for her.

Vera and I were on our way out on the jetty when I heard a car approaching behind us, and I glanced back, a smile tugging at my mouth.

"Jacob!" Nessie was out of the car, coming toward us in a restrained pace, but when I opened my arms to pull her in for a hug she punched me in the stomach.

"Ouch! What the he-"

"Sucker," she said with a giggle and threw her arms around my waist. I rolled my eyes and hugged her warily.

"Jeez, nice to see you, too, you freak." It wouldn't leave a mark, she wasn't _that_ strong, but yeah – she still had her weird ways.

"Thanks." She smiled with her whole face.

After ignoring her entire family for two months, once I'd finally told her about the imprinting disaster, she came to the conclusion that we were all idiots. Not telling her, in her mind, had removed just as many choices from her as it had given her other ones; who were we to tell which choices should be hers, and which ones shouldn't?

"You're just looking better and better," she complimented, peering up at me, and I grinned, tucking her into my side while continuing out on the jetty. Vera walked quietly next to us, glancing at Nessie from time to time.

"Yeah...I'm-" I sorted through my brain for the proper word. "-okay." Nessies brows pulled together, but I smiled down at her. "Don't do that, you know what I mean. Okay, for me, is good." I chuckled when she sighed and rolled her eyes.

"You're still hung up on her, aren't you? " It came out of left field, and it pulled me up short, making me pause.

"I don't know about _hung up_," I told her honestly. True enough, though, months and months ago I _had_ been. I'd nearly chained myself in my own basement, to stop myself from going to see Bella every damn second of the day. In spite of Leah's advice, and regardless of thinking I had it all under control – that I was a team player – I had deluded myself. Again. After a century of always fighting something, it'd been hard to break the habit. In the end, Embry had stepped in and backed me up against a wall.

-oiOio-

_"Jake, man. Imprinting isn't about shackling you to a person – fuck, nobody needs that – it's not a sentence for a crime or about pain and the suffering you're letting yourself go through. It's about insight. Bringing two individuals together who need each other's qualities _and_ faults to wake the hell up and smell the bacon. This pain... is all you. You're doing it to yourself, man. Let it go; stop obsessing about lost causes, and focus on _you_. Quit fighting _yourself_. _

"_Jeez, some people are born blind, but they don't sit around in a dark room, saying 'Oh, I'm blind, may as well hide, then.' Not saying you're disabled, man, but what I _am_ saying is that you're wasting a lot of damn energy on holding on to what was, instead of seeing that, really, nothing has changed. _

"_Yeah, it's hard to be away from her, but it always was, even way way back, before all this shit ever happened. You worked with it then, so why are you making it so much harder than it has to be? Make the best of it, dude. You'd have been her _friend_ regardless. And now the wolf is all set to be what she needs, because damn, that's it's **job**, you're **still** fighting it. And who the hell knows? What she needs might change. It might not. But in the meantime, quit focusing on the 'mights' and start focusing on the 'definites'. You have the chance to start over, you have the chance to build your shop, you're surrounded by good people. Take it and run with it, Jake."_

-oiOio-

Those damn 'mights' and 'what ifs' had been like poison, messing with my resolve. My pride and goddamn stubbornness made me blind to one out of two simple facts. One: no amount of loyalty, persistence and love could make Bella see me the way I wanted her to if she wasn't ready for it. A century of experience should have taught me that. But yeah. No. I didn't _want_ to see it, because that meant going back on my word. Which was _the_ stupidest thing of all, and brought me to fact number two: between a promise and keeping it lies two choices. Those being yours, and that of the other person involved.

There was such a fucking beautiful simplicity to it all. It had been _my_ _choice_ to _not_ stop fighting – really, I'd had choices my whole damn life, but I digress. It was also _Bella's_ choice to stay true to _her _word, _her _promise. And who was I to argue with that? We'd both been stubborn, and, bottom line: my promise didn't fall short if _she_ chose to be with Edward.

So now I took what I had, and I ran with it. And in regards to Bella, well – I wasn't hung up, I just accepted that I was in love with a married woman. For now, there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it. The ball was in her court, it always had been. Maybe things would change, and maybe they wouldn't. And yeah, damn right it hurt, but I didn't let it cripple me, and partially that was due to finally accepting the imprint.

It wasn't so much a separate entity as it was part of me, just as the wolf was. As far as I was concerned, it was a sixth sense, letting me see and feel things that the average person couldn't, only it was focused on Bella. Embry had been right on the money; it gave me insight, and helped me make the _right_ choices, for both her and myself.

A married woman doesn't need a third wheel, and I didn't need, nor want, to be that. What we did need was distance to find out what we really want, because sometimes you just can't see the forest for all the trees.

I studied Nessie's open face when she tugged my shirt to pull me out of my thoughts. Back when I told her about the reasons behind keeping the imprinting from her, she'd told me we had trust issues, and needed to look at simple maths, which, according to her, meant we'd been hypocrites. _'Lies removes choices,'_ she'd said.

No amount of insight was helping me, and as much as I knew I _did_ have trust issues, I couldn't make myself tell Bella I'd imprinted on her. Or...was that it? It just wasn't the right time.

"But you love her still," she quietly concluded with a soft smile, and I started walking again.

"Yeah. Still," I agreed and dropped my arm as we came up next to the boat, where Jason struggled with the sputtering motor. He stepped back in defeat, glaring at it grudgingly. "Need some help, sport?"

"Fucking asswipe piece of crap."

"Dude, it's a _thing. _Stupid. How can you call an engine an _asswipe_?" Vera was given a death stare by her brother as she climbed into the boat.

"Because it is," he defiantly protested, and folded his arms. Jason was two years younger than his sister, who was sixteen. Both of them had this ginger blond hair – Jason's was a mop of dreadlocks – and pale blue eyes, and they looked like mini vikings the way they glowered at each other.

Nessie watched me as I checked the fuel, ignoring the kids bickering. "So – it's Embry's birthday next month," she began – crap. That's right. I looked at her, grinning.

"_Moronic idiot."_

"_That's kinda redundant. Why don't you just call me _idiotic_ idiot, you twat."_

"Got something planned?" I asked, and she leaped into the boat, putting her head next to mine to help me scour the engine.

"_Because you're so freaking thick you need to be told twice, dipshit."_

"_Nice try, but you're just as stupid."_

"Yeah – uh, looks like I found the problem," she cut off, and pulled the string. "It's clogged – anyway. I want to throw him a party, and I want to have it here..._and _– I want to invite Mo-my cousin and her husband," she corrected quickly, stifling a laugh at my tensing jaw.

"_Takes one to know one, I guess."_

"_Oh – oh. Fucking hilarious, you are!"_

"Christ, kids!" I snapped, turning to stare at them incredulously. "Are you going fishing or to kill each other?"

"The thought crossed my mind," Vera sneered, fixing her squinting eyes on Jason who feigned a shudder.

"_Oh no_," he squeaked sarcastically. "I'm _so_ scared."

I shook my head and straightened. "You know what – go do something else. See it as karma, and me saving you from drowning, or something – whatever, I don't care." It was an effort for Nessie to keep herself from laughing; I could tell by the way she turned and looked out over the water, her mouth twitching.

"No!" Vera exclaimed. "We'll be fine-" I cut her off with a snort.

"Yeah, right – look, I'll fix it later. Mack'll flog me if I let you out on the water like this."

"Jesus. Aren't you overreacting a little?" She was pouting, but I ignored her and climbed back onto the jetty.

"Nope." I watched as they turned to Nessie.

"Ness?" Vera pleaded. Her eyes widened and she turned to me, her mouth working but no words coming out.

"Your call, Ness," I said, chuckling, then started back toward shore.

"_Aw, come _on!_ Ness!"_

Nessie appeared next to me, bumping her shoulder into my arm. "So – about the party..." She did her thing, where she looked up, pleading with those eyes, and I hated how it got to me. "You know she misses all of us, but it'd mean a lot to Embry, too," she continued, breaking through the excuses I made up in my head. Bella was fine, but it was..._him_ I didn't want near me. He still pissed me off. Or maybe it was _them,_ together, I didn't want to have to deal with.

"Yeah, yeah – don't expect me to be anything else but civil to your _lovely_ father, though." My sarcasm earned me a shove, and I snickered.

"I'll get back to you, once I've talked to Rose. Now-" she reached up and gave me a sloppy kiss on the cheek. "-I'm going to find Embry." She went back to her car, giving me a wave before driving off.

Embry lived a five minute drive outside Hope, and Nessie lived not far from here, either. Over the past eighteen months they'd developed a relationship that couldn't really be defined. They liked spending time together, and I think Embry was falling for her – hard. But he was a bit iffy still about the half of her that was vampire. _Just run with it, Emb, _I'd told him, using his own words against him, which he'd not been too happy about, but he was trying. Guess we all tried to make the most out of the life that we'd been dealt.

The bell gave me away as I stepped into the cafe, and Meg poked her head out from the kitchen, flashing me a broad grin. Her eyes crinkled at the corners.

"There you are, boy-" she turned. "Get it back out, he's here," she said to Jamie. I bet she'd just been about to put my plate into the fridge. Meg came out to pour me my customary cup of coffee. "Oh, go have a seat already," she fussed, bustling passed me to push the doors open to the terrace. "Summer's just around the corner, you can smell it – and soon we'll have tourists crawling all over the place."

"And drunk jocks racing their paper-wagons, giving me more work than I have hands for." I pulled a chair out and sat down, taking the cup from her with a 'thanks'.

"Who wouldn't come here for your services?" It wasn't a question, but a fact. "No one in their right mind will pay in the city, when you provide the same for pebbles. You're a dimwit, Jacob. You could make a fortune." She huffed at that, then went back inside.

"I love it when you talk dirty, Meg!"

"_Shush up, you cheeky shit, and drink your coffee!_" she hollered from inside, leaving me with a huge smile on my face. Then Jamie came outside with my lunch, setting it down in front of me.

"She's officially driving me nuts," she said with a breathy sigh. "So I keep dropping stuff, but – _cracks and balls_!" She slumped down on the chair next to me, pushing the plate closer. "Try it before I go. There's a chance it tastes weird." An apologetic grin crept onto her lips while she waited. _Stop looking at her fucking mouth. Okay._

"Jamie," I started, sensing a severe case of word vomit wanting to come out. _Wow. Since when was it so hard to say a few simple words?_ She hunched forward over the table, grabbing my fork and stabbing one of the chicken pieces.

"Jeez, Jake, it won't kill ya – open up," she ordered, and I shook my head, taking the fork off her and setting it down.

"No, uh – it's not about the food. I'll eat anything, you know that."

"Okay, so what's up?"

"About the kiss," I blurted. _Smooth. _

"Uh huh?"

"Uh – here's the thing: You and I, well...we're friends, Jamie, and that's all I can ever offer, okay?" I studied her face. At least she didn't look hurt. She did seem thoughtful, though, and then she tilted her head and cupped her neck.

"It's another girl, right? 'Cause you never date. And you're not gay – I mean, the way you touched me was-" The coffee lodged in my throat, and I started coughing. "Shitfuck. Jake – are you okay?" I nodded, my eyes watering. "I'm sorry. Forget what I said."

"Christ, don't apologize," I managed between coughs and splutters. "I don't wanna hurt you, I just-"

"I know," she interrupted, but smiled. "I mean...it's probably for the best, yeah?" She got up and ruffled my hair, like I was a kid. "Anyway. I've gotta get back in there and clean up." I looked up at her, wanting to make sure she was okay. "We're cool. Honestly. Don't worry." She bent down and kissed my forehead- "_That _will be my spot though." -then winked, before walking back inside.

"Thanks for the lunch, Jamie," I called after her.

"Anytime, Jake!"

_See? You're doing good. Just keep your hands off the kids in the future, and you'll be fine._ I'd be keeping my hands to myself. Period. That should prevent any further fuck-ups. _Planning on staying a virgin forever are you?_ Shut up. _You know how sad that movie was, right? The 40-year Old Virgin, remember? You laughed at it. _I said: shut up_. Add another sixty years, or why not another hundred at the rate you're going. _Fuck _off! Just saying. _I was going to schedule for a lobotomy. _Won't work, you'll heal right through it. _Dammit.

I finished up my lunch, trying to ignore the pain in the ass voice in my head. People got locked up in mental institutions for these kind of problems. Actually, for less. They were prescribed some pretty neat medication, too. The whole shebang. Not that I was constantly plagued by some twisted, inner voice, but it happened. If it would go away permanently, that'd be great. _Don't count on it._

Blondie and Leah were in the garage when I got back, talking to Emmett. All three of them were bent over a few sheets of paper spread out on the bench.

"Do it yourself, then, if you think it's that easy," Leah snapped at Emmett.

"_Ice ice baby, dun-dun-dun-dun-de-de-dun-dun._" The three of them turned to look at me, Emmett's mouth curving a little. Leah was giving me a look of pure disgust.

"Seriously? I'll forget you just sang that, but I swear: if you do it again, I'll sing _Mmmbop_ until your balls shrivel and die. Fuck, I _hate_ that song."

"Oh, hell no!" Emmett groaned in protest. "It's enough that I couldn't listen to the radio for a year after that came out."

"Fine. Jeez." You could always tell when Leah was having a bad day; she'd get touchy about the smallest things. Not that I disagreed; it _was_ a pretty bad song. "So...what's happening?" I glanced at the papers.

"I fucked up the invoices," Leah almost growled, glaring at me. "The program kept freezing on me, and the file got corrupted and – gah!" She grabbed the papers and balled them up.

"_God_, Leah, it's okay. Let Emmett have a look at the computer – he'll fix it." Blondie tried to calm her down. Yep. Leah was _definitely_ having a bad day. Instead of getting caught in the middle of it I went back to the car and the brake-pads. "I need your help hoisting the Buick," Blondie called out to me, and I looked around.

"What Buick?"

"The one that's coming in soon."

"Uh – do you really want to, I don't know, crawl around here when you're – you know?" I finished, motioning to her body, and she quirked an eyebrow, bracing her hands on her hips.

"I'm _pregnant_, not _crippled_." She fixed her eyes on me, and I gave her an apprehensive smile.

"Yeah, well – I don't know about those things," I offered apologetically. Sometimes she could be a bit scary, even if she wouldn't be able to hurt me...much. It was the shrieking that got me, and Blondie knew how to put her lungs to good use when she wanted.

"_Na na na na na nana – na na na na nana – gettin' jiggy with it – _what?" Emmett held his hands up in surrender, no doubt getting a death stare from Blondie. "Just singing, babe – you know I love you."

"Oh yeah? _Gettin' jiggy with it?_" she mimicked questioningly.

"Hey, I'm on your side here, baby. Just showing a little support is all." He glanced at me hopefully, and I gave him a _you're-on-your-own-buddy_ look. I wasn't getting on Blondie's bad side when she was high on hormones.

"Why don't you go help Leah fix the computer so we can get the invoices done? Okay, babe?" Her voice was dripping sweet poison, and I cringed on his behalf, since the idiot didn't seem to be affected. Maybe that's why they were so well suited. Any other man would run for the hills.

"Yep. No problem..." He followed Leah through the backdoor. There were stairs outside, which lead to the second story where we had our offices and some storage.

When the Buick arrived I got it hoisted up for Blondie before returning to my own car. Usually she'd talk, but I guessed she was being moody so I kept quiet, until she appeared out of nowhere, leaning against the metal frame of the vehicle lift.

"Emmett told me about Jamie," she said matter-of-factly. "Now – I don't like when people interfere, but I just hope you don't let anyone tell you what to do with your life. When you're ready, you're ready." Her face was dead serious, and I stared at her dumbly. Blondie was right, she didn't interfere – feeding a young girl's insanity excluded, of course, but that was a thing of the past – so this was very weird. Not that she was interfering . . .

"It's sorted," was all I could get out, feeling confused as to what she was really saying.

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Uh – okay?"

"Women, Jacob. Don't rush anything," Blondie simply stated, then she walked off. A half-choked laugh came out in disbelief. _Me? Rushing with women? Yeah. No. What?_

One hour later I was washing my hands when Emmett walked back in. "Okay, dude. It's Saturday, and we're going to Anchorage."

"Huh?" I turned the tap off and wiped my hands, watching him suspiciously. "What for?" I asked and tossed the paper towel in the trashcan.

"I know you can't get drunk, but I can! So you're the designated driver." He flashed me a big grin. Was this what Blondie had been all doom and gloom about? I threw a curious glance in her direction, but she didn't seem to be listening.

"Bars aren't really my thing-"

"Aw. Come on, man – look, I'll make you a deal. If you don't like it, I'll never hound you about it again." I narrowed my eyes at his cocky expression.

"I'm pretty sure I won't like it," I countered assuredly.

"_Gonna give you all my love, boy – my fear is fadin' fa-ast – been savin' it all for you, 'cause only love can la-ast._" Emmett and I stood like nailed to the spot, staring at Leah who came _dancing_ into the garage. "_You're so _fine_, and you're _mine_ – make me strong, yeah you make me bo-old – oh, your love thawed o-out – yeah, your lo-ove thawed o-out – what was sca-ared and co-old._"

"Right." I'd fried my brain – Leah was _not_ shaking her shit in my garage; I was _not_ this disturbed.

"No?" Leah sauntered up to me, and jabbed her finger at my chest. "_Like a virgin – ow!_ – _touched for the very first time! Like a vi-i-hi-irgin! With your heartbeat – next to mi-i-ine – who-o-ho-oa._" My jaw tensed; I wanted to punch her in the mouth, but I held back and ground my teeth together. Blondie was watching us now, her face expressionless.

"Get out of my face," I warned Leah evenly.

"A bit tense, are we? It's just a song, Jacob."

"Shit. She's coming, too," Emmett said, sounding all excited, and a growl rumbled in my chest.

"Not a chance." I gave Emmett a hard slap on the back, making him take an involuntary step forward, then left the garage, ignoring Leah's smug smile. "Be ready in thirty," I called over my shoulder.

Leah just knew how to push my buttons, and the jab was obvious. What did she expect me to do? Go out and fuck the first woman I saw, just because she mocked me? Sure, it was a bit of an issue, but it was what it was. Besides, what you don't know can't hurt you. I didn't crave sex – I'd never had it, therefor I didn't care. _You only fantasize about it half the time –_ _I'm a guy. Okay?_

Though I didn't want to give her the satisfaction, and going to a bar with Emmett didn't rank high on my list of 'fun things to do' – if it meant getting away from this crap, I'd gladly do it. So I dug through my drawers for some clean clothes before jumping in the shower. _You might see someone you know – shut the hell up. Yep. Shutting._

Emmett had made some calls, and the place we went for was called Al's Alaskan Inn. It'd been handed down to kids within the family, since it had, apparently, way back, been one of the more popular places to go in Anchorage. Especially for karaoke, which was Emmett's main goal, apart from getting drunk.

Before we entered, I laid down a few simple rules, the main one being: I didn't want to be fixed up with anyone. Emmett had laughed, and told me that I didn't need any help. Whatever I'd expected was _not_ what it turned out to be. Firstly, the place wasn't some modern looking place with shiny counters and drunk college students – although, there were a few. Secondly, most of the _people_ in there were in their thirties and above. It suited me just fine.

When Emmett got up to do his first round on-stage I nearly choked on my beer. Not only was he getting drunk, but he attempted to sing Kiss by Prince. At first I wanted to hide, but reconsidered when the embarrassment of trying that, as opposed to enduring the humiliation of Emmett's high-pitch voice would be greater. There were no places for someone my size to hide without making a complete idiot out of myself. He tried to drag me up there, too, but – obviously he didn't have much luck with that.

I just relaxed and drank my beer while we – in between his stage visits – talked about random stuff. Emmett becoming a Dad being one subject. It was a bit difficult knowing what to say, but he wasn't too bothered, since he said he had no idea, whatsoever, what to think about it himself. Having a kid wasn't easy to imagine, but picturing Emmett, who, really, was just a big kid, too, was kind of funny. Blondie was different these days though, so there was still hope for them.

"Man, all this singing is making me thirsty!" Emmett placed two beers on the table, swaying slightly. "Oh – oh – _there_ we go!" I raised an eyebrow.

"Take it easy, Em. It's not even midnight."

"But – one of those is yours," he assured me, pushing a glass toward me while fishing his cell out of his pocket. "Whoa!" He held it at a distance, then hunched over it, squinting his eyes. "I can't see shit."

"Trust me, it ain't twelve yet." I took a mouthful of beer, then turned to a guy standing by our table with a tray. On it were two shots of some pretty bad smelling stuff, and two large beers. I gave the guy a questioning look. "Can I help you?" He turned and pointed toward a table with three women smiling in our direction.

"They wanted me to bring you and your friend this," he said, eying me warily while putting the drinks down.

"Uh..."

"Sweet! Thanks, dude." Emmett turned and flashed them a stupid grin, then he started waving for them to come join us. The waiter, bartender – whatever he was – left the table, and I kicked Emmett under the table. "Ouch!"

"Hello?"

"What?"

"Did you have to?"

"But they bought us drinks! Look!" He grabbed one of the shots and took an experimental whiff, before downing it. His face screwed up. "Ho-_holy Mary, mother of Jesus!_" I rolled my eyes toward the ceiling. _Yeah. Give me patience while you're at it._

"Hi there," came a woman's voice. Emmett and I looked up at the three women now standing there, their smiles an easy match for Emmett's.

"Hey, ladies," Emmett gestured for them sit down. "Please, have a seat. And thanks for the drinks, aren't you sweet!"

"Hi – I'm Kathy," one of them said, thrusting her hand at me. _Don't be rude. You have a disorder, remember? Christ._ I'm pretty sure my smile was a poor attempt, but the moment I took her hand, her eyes dropped to stare, so it didn't really matter what my expression was.

"Jake," I offered politely. "Yeah, I'm hot – hereditary disorder, so nothing contagious – you're safe," I added reassuringly. Emmett cracked up, and the woman – _Kathy_ – looked up and blinked at me.

"Well," She hedged. "Can't say I've heard that one before."

"Oh, I'm sure you haven't – it's rare," Emmett factually informed her. "I'm Emmett, by the way." Then he looked at the other two women who'd sat down, but were studying me with obvious curiosity. _Great. I'm a zoo-attraction now._

"I'm Lyn," the tallest one with blond hair said, keeping her hands folded in her lap. I couldn't help smirking.

"And I'm Vic." A short woman reached across the table, shaking hands with Emmett first, then, laughingly saying, "I'm hot, too – but it does _not_ run in _my _family." Her eyes were dark and her smile cheeky, as she held her hand out toward me. I took it, and her brows shot up in surprise. "Oh." Her reaction made me laugh.

"Yeah. Not what you expected, huh?"

"Eh. No," she agreed, then laughed, too. "Running a constant fever can't be good for your brain, though," she added speculatively, and I grinned.

"Nope. I'm severely challenged," I joked, which made her smile stretch wider.

"Welcome to the club-" Vic was pulled back down on the chair by Lyn, releasing my hand. Kathy was shaking her head next to me.

"Stop making a fool out of yourself, Vic," she chastised.

"So, are you from around here, or vacationing?" Vic asked, sipping her drink through a straw.

"A couple of hours drive from here," Emmett answered. "Right across the bay, if you have a boat." Talking made him go easier on the drinks, so I wasn't going to complain. The less karaoke he did, the better. But after some more in-depth introductions, it turned out Vic was a big lover of karaoke, so she joined Emmett on stage, and this time I shrank back a bit when they did a duet from some movie.

Vic and Kathy were single moms, so they called it a night after another hour, having to get back to relieve their baby-sitters. I was surprised when Lyn, the quieter one of the three, came back to the table after they'd left, only to – cheeks flushed – scribble something down on a piece of paper that she then slid across the table toward me.

"It was _really_ nice to meet you," she said in a rushed voice, a small smile on her lips, then she turned and hurried outside again. _Huh. Cute._

Emmett drummed the table- "Hah!" -making me jump.

"Jeez, man. What the hell?"

"Told ya told ya told ya, didn't I?" He emptied the contents of his glass, then glanced longingly toward the bar. "One more!" On his way up, he stopped suddenly. "_Hit me baby, one more time!_"

"Christ, man. You've got a twisted taste in music." I watched as he turned, and as he tried to focus his eyes on me, he tapped his temple.

"_That one_," he said, exaggerating the syllables. "Popped out of nowhere!"

"Right – want me to get you a drink?" I offered, feeling skeptic about his sense of balance.

"Dude. I. _Love _you." He sat back down, pointing at me as he winked and clicked his tongue. I shook my head, chuckling. _Oh boy. He was going to have one hell of a hangover . . ._

They probably wouldn't have served him anyway, so I made my way over to the bar. This would have to be the last one, or Blondie would tear into me for letting the kid drink himself into a stupor.

When I finally returned to the table he had his cell out. "Not so sure your wife-"

"Shh!" He held a finger to his lips, his brows pulled down in a serious expression, so I just gave him the beer and sat down with my soda. _Poor Blondie_, I thought, until, with my exceptional hearing, I recognized the voice on the other side of the line. _Not poor Blondie._

"_Emmett?"_

"Bella!" he exclaimed, beaming. "Bella Bella Bella... _Bella button!_" She started giggling, and Emmett continued. "Bella _belly button!_ Guess _what!_"

"_Um-" _More giggling. _"You're drunk?"_

"No no no _no_. C'_mon,_ Bella button! Guess!" I couldn't help laughing as she kept chortling on the other side. Then the guy handling the karaoke called out Emmett's name. "Jake _kissed a girl!_" I didn't catch her reply, but Emmett shot up. "I know! I was starting to think – hey!" I'd grabbed the phone off him, chuckling.

"They called your name." I pointed toward the stage.

"That's right! Because _you kissed a girl and you liked it!_" he sang along to the music that had already started, and suddenly it clicked. _He was _not_ going to sing Katy Perry._

"_Hello? Jake, is that you? What's happening?"_

"Yeah – he saw Jamie kiss me in the garage," I explained quickly, then- "_Emmett! Don't get up there!_" I shouted after him, but he was already getting stuck into it.

"_He kissed a girl, just to try it!_"

"Christ-" I laughed. He was an idiot. "_Emmett, you're an ass! Get down from there!_" I put the phone back to my ear. "Bells?"

"Hi – sounds like Emmett's having fun." She sounded both tired and distracted, and I looked at the time. 11:48 pm. _Crap._

"I'm sorry, honey. Were you asleep?"

"No. No, I – I was just reading. It's fine."

"Terrible," I accused, chuckling. "You're still a bad liar, and I can tell you're tired, Bells. Go get some sleep, okay? I'll call you tomorrow. I've gotta go get this idiot off the stage, before he falls off it."

"Oh, of course – have fun... Night, Jake."

"Night, Bells."

"-_hard to resist, so touchable!_" _Jeez! _I shoved his cell into my pocket and walked up to the stage. "-_ain't no big deal, it's innoce-e-e-ent!_"

"Damn right, it's _not_ a big deal. Now get down, moron." I grabbed the mic and handed it to the DJ, who was laughing.

"All you gotta do is kiss a _woman_ and you'll _love it!_"

"Uh huh – time to go, buddy."

"Better hang on to that number!" I ignored him, making sure he didn't trip on our way out.

Once we were back in the car, and after explaining to him why people wear seatbelts and convincing him that he was human, I was _finally_ confident I could drive without him trying to fly... or something.

On the way down to Hope, he kept mumbling random crap, until he started going on about 'Bella belly button' again, which made me smile.I shook my head. _Time, _I told myself. _Time and distance._ I pulled Emmett's cell out, to give it back to him, and a piece of paper came out with it. _The woman from the bar. Lyn._ Her number taunted me. _Time, distance and... what? Would it kill you to try? I suppose it wouldn't. But you don't want to? Not really. But you could? Yep. Okay._

I wound the window back up, catching the movement of something white being carried by the wind out into the bay. _Time and distance. _

**o~*iii*~o**


	15. Broken Strings

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_Oh, what are we doing? We are turning into dust, playing house in the ruins of us. / You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel. I can't tell you something that ain't real. / James Morrison_

* * *

**Broken Strings**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**June 2105**_

"_Your grades are slipping, Ms. Cullen_."

It was the very first thought in my head as I opened my eyes, and the very last as I drifted off to sleep at night. In spite of all my hard work, the countless hours I'd spent studying – in the library, in study group, at my desk – still, somehow, my grades had started slipping. _How?_ I even did things for extra credit, _for goodness sake_. I always made deadlines, I did fabulously in labs. Then came the Math exams and I'd been left dumbfounded.

I _barely_ made it.

_Unacceptable_. After receiving the humiliating results back from the exams, I'd marched my butt straight to my professor's office to request a tutor. Of course I was assigned the academic genius Tobias Rask: an arrogant, and too intelligent for his own good, Swedish snob. He always had this knowing smirk on his face, as if to say 'yes, I know, I'm just _that_ good'. I rolled my eyes _a lot_ more than usual those last couple of months before summer break.

I tried to rationalize that it was just getting more difficult, the formulas harder to solve. But I knew that my focus was slipping. On numerous occasions I'd found myself simply staring into empty space, my mind wandering off to all places that took me away from where I was. There was no denying it anymore. Things weren't what they used to be, and I was out of ideas_._

It was now Friday, and Edward and I had barely spoken a dozen sentences to each other for the entire week. That's not counting the billion and one ridiculous little arguments and disagreements we'd had. Those weren't real sentences, though; they were chopped up accusations and complaints, where one tried to outdo the other.

"_Can you _stop_ doing that!"_

"_But you do that, too!"_

"_I do not!"_

"_No. You don't do anything, do you?"_

"_You're one to talk."_

"_At least I _do_ talk!"_

"_If you can call _that_ talking."_

"_And what's _that_ supposed to mean?"_

"_Nothing."_

"_Fine."_

One day. That's all we needed. One day, to actually get to spend some time together, to do something that didn't end up in a discussion about who did what, and whose fault it was. Since when did it matter that I, for example, was the one to always take the trash outside? It was just garbage! Or that Edward read the newspaper at the breakfast table? _It's just another way of getting out of talking to you_, a small voice whined. But it wasn't. He'd started doing it not long after we moved here. It was his thing: he _liked_ knowing what went on out in the world. None the less, it irritated me, as he'd always look up and go 'what?', making me have to repeat everything I said _twice, three times, four times – stop!_

I watched him as he sipped his coffee, where he sat opposite me at the table. He made this contended noise in the back of his throat as the hot liquid went down, then reached out and grabbed his toast to take a bite, licking a persistent crumb off his upper lip before chewing with his mouth closed. All the while his eyes were glued to the newspaper.

_Crunch, crunch, rustle – _he turned the page – _crunch, crunch – swallow._

"Do we have any marmalade?"

"I'll check," I replied and got up to have a look in the fridge. "Yeah, we do." I threw him a glance and waited, but his eyes were on the newspaper. _Honestly!_ _One, two – _I took the marmalade out and got a small fork from the top drawer – _three, four –_ where we kept the cutlery, then returned to the table – _five, six –_ and placed the jar in front of him.

"Thank you," he said, still not looking at me – _seven, eight _– and dropped a small blob of marmalade on his toast, spreading it evenly – _nine, ten _– all the way to the edges.

"Missed a spot."

"What?" He lifted his gaze in question, then followed mine to his toast. His brows pulled together in confusion. "I'm sorry – what?" _Eleven, twelve-_

"Do you want another one?" I asked instead.

"Oh." A little grin worked its way onto his lips. "Yes, please." And I got up again – _thirteen, fourteen _– to pull out a slice of bread from the bag, and popped it into the toaster – _fifteen, sixteen-_ "I'll be damned. We are joining forces with Japan against China." _Keep counting! Seventeen, eighteen-_

"Maybe they'll destroy all the paper factories in the world, while they're at it," I added conspiratorially, and took a seat. I dumped a large amount of marmalade on my own toast, then spread it unevenly, making sure some of it dribbled over the edge.

"Bella," he said, reaching for the roll of paper towels, tearing off a piece then handing it to me. I raised an eyebrow, pretending to be clueless.

"What?"

"You are making a mess." He pointed to it.

"Oh, shoot." I sighed dramatically- "Will you look at that." -and took the paper and swabbed at it haphazardly, only spreading it out more. "There," I announced proudly, flashing him a wide grin. The muscle in his jaw twitched as he clenched his teeth, and, reluctantly, he tore his eyes away from the sticky mess on the table, back to his newspaper.

Marmalade wasn't my favorite. I preferred cheese, or maybe even a slice of ham, but I took a large bite anyway, and made a low moan in the back of my throat. "Mm – so good," I said in a muffled voice, not having bothered to swallow before talking. "You've been holding out on me." Edward closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Please," was all he said, in that usual _must-I-deal-with-this-child_ tone of his.

"Hmm?" I hummed in question, my mouth full of icky sweet goo and toast. Edward's head snapped up and he gave me a stern look, his ears going pink. I forced my lips into a thin line, trying not to laugh.

"Will you _stop_ behaving like a child, Bella." His hands moved stiffly to fold up the paper, and he threw back the rest of his coffee while I finished chewing.

"Maybe if you stopped treating me like one," I suggested casually, giving a shrug as I sipped my own coffee – slowly – making slurping noises. Edward stiffened and one of his brows arched in a condescending manner as I watched him over my cup.

"You don't give me much choice in the matter," he finally said and got up, shoving the newspaper under his arm. "I'll be downstairs." With that he turned and left.

"Don't want more toast?" I called after him, and he paused. It was easy to tell, by the way his shoulders twitched, that he fought the urge to come back. He didn't, though. Instead he continued and disappeared out of sight. _Are you happy now?_ the little voice asked, and I slumped my shoulders, shoving the disgusting toast away from me. _Why, yes. Why wouldn't I be?_

I had hoped, once school let out, that Edward and I would get to spend some quality time together, and actually _do_ something. With that in mind, I had deliberately not taken a summer job – not that I needed it – though now, I wished I had. There weren't enough things to do to fill the hours of my day, since none of them were spent with Edward. Not in the way I had intended, at least.

Tired of myself, and the constant whirl in my brain, I got started on the housework. To prevent any unwanted internal debating, I turned the radio on as I began to move through the house, tidying up so I could vacuum. Half way through, Edward came to tell me he was leaving – being Friday, he had a show on tonight, a big one, so they had a lot of preparing to do. I, myself, had something to do at eleven am.

Jacob had called me yesterday to ask if I'd mind giving Jamie a tour of my college, as she was considering applying. I'd already known for a week that Rosalie and Emmett were coming to stay this weekend, which I was excited about. Of course, I was looking forward to seeing Jacob, too, but I was nervous about meeting Jamie. Quickly I pushed it to the side, and focused on getting my house cleaned.

By the time I was done, my hair was sticking to my forehead and I felt thoroughly gross. Panic set in when I glanced at the time, realizing I only had thirty minutes until I had to be on campus to meet Jacob and Jamie. Not having specific times to keep made me slack off, and I rushed upstairs to rummage through my closet for clothes. Alaskan summers weren't exactly hot, so I settled for jeans and a tee, as always, then jumped into the shower, nearly burning myself on the water. "You've got to be kidding me!" I hissed. He'd done it on purpose!

**o~*iii*~o**

Ten minutes late, and with nerves tangling in my stomach, I pulled into the parking lot at the college, while my eyes scanned the masses of cars. Today was Open House at the University of Alaska, so it was no surprise that there were so many cars and people here. I got out while fishing for my cell, and continued to try and spot India...or a freakishly tall man. A horn honked and I nearly jumped out of my skin, turning to find the front of a vintage Aston Martin, mere inches from my legs.

"God!" I laughingly exclaimed, as the driver stuck his head out the window.

"Move your ass! People are trying to drive here, y'know?" And I rolled my eyes, moving to the side, grinning, as Jacob maneuvered India into a free parking space. When he got out of the car and turned to me with that sunny smile of his, my heart skipped a beat, and I found myself smiling back.

"Hey," I said. Then a girl with messy, wheat colored hair and baby blue eyes came out of the passenger side, an equally bright smile creating dimples in her freckled cheeks.

"Hey there!" And next thing I knew she'd come up to me to give me a surprisingly powerful squeeze. She let out a funny sounding laugh when she took in my, no doubt, shocked expression. "Yeah, sorry. I can't help myself."

"At least you didn't get tackled," Jacob told me, chuckling.

"Hey, I don't tackle people on the first date, come _on._" Her eyes came to rest on mine, and she winked. "You're safe...for now" – she looked past me – "whoa," she gasped, then really started looking around. "Shit, this is major." I took what I hoped was a discreet deep breath.

"Welcome to the University of Alaska," I offered graciously, and, when Jamie grabbed Jacob, who'd come to stand next to us, by the hand, a tiny part of me protested – _who _are _you, grabbing his hand like that?_

"Come on. My brain's like a sponge right now, and it's crying out for academic sustenance." She started pulling him along, and he threw me a glance.

"Let the fun begin," he announced ominously.

"Oh, yeah..." Jamie trailed off, and paused, when her exploratory gaze returned to where I stood. She let go of Jacob, and came to grab _my_ hand instead. "I know I'm scary, but you'll get used to it." I hadn't even realized I was immobilized until she started walking, and it took a few mental kicks in the butt to follow. _You need to get with the program. Shake it off!_

"Oh, no, you're not scary," I finally managed reassuringly, when I found my voice, and my eyes flickered to Jacob, who gave me strange look. "I know scary when I see it." Which made his mouth curve into a knowing smirk.

"Sweet. Then you won't mind showing me where you mad scientists hang out." I turned my head, questioningly, toward Jacob. He shrugged.

"Yeah. I told her that you're majoring in genetics," he explained.

"Which is _the_ coolest thing. Maybe you'll visit Stockholm in, like, twenty or thirty years from now, to take home the Nobel Price for curing cancer. I'll be up there, first row, with a box of Kleenex, shouting _I know her!_" Jamie linked her arm with mine, then did the same with Jacob. "Now, come on you slowpokes." Something pricked my stomach, sort of like the feeling you get when you're about to take a big test, and I wracked my brain, trying to figure out what it was, as we made our way toward the main building.

"So," I began as we stepped inside the doors. "What would you like to do first?" Jamie sucked half her bottom lip into her mouth, scanning our surroundings, while she considered my question. "Hold that thought-" I dodged a few bodies on my way over to one of the many information booths set up. "Hey – have you got a spare copy of the Open House program?" The girl gave me a bored look, but grabbed a flier from a pile right in front of my eyes and thrust it at me. "Oh-" _Duh._ "-thanks." I gave her an apologetic smile. _Focus, Bella. Goodness._

Jamie excitedly accepted the paper, when I got back to them- "Oh yeah. Now we're talking – thanks!" -and swiped at her unruly hair while reading. _She's likeable. Admit it._ It was difficult not to, and the more she talked, as we toured campus, the harder it became to resist her infectious enthusiasm. I found myself easily answering all her questions, even throwing in a few voluntary pieces of information. The dull clench in my stomach, however, didn't let up, and finally I suggested we go grab some lunch.

"My treat," I insisted. When I thought about it, I had barely eaten today. That would explain the ache.

There was a nice little cafe close to campus, and I'd gone there many times over the past ten months or so. They also had delicious muffins, which I'd sometimes indulge in for dessert.

"Izzy," called an undesirably familiar voice, as we entered the cafe, and childishly I wanted to duck right back out again. Out of all places... Only one person called me Izzy, and I _hated_ it.

"You know that guy?" Jamie leaned in to quietly ask me, and I found myself leaning away slightly. I wasn't used to strangers disregarding personal space the way Jamie did; all throughout the day she'd managed to hug me, throw an arm around my shoulders _and..._she'd even taken my hand at some points to drag me along. She was like a female version of Jacob. I bit my lip, trying to keep the emotion off my face, as the images hit me out of nowhere. Like a ghost from the past had suddenly brushed against me, I reflexively curled my fingers around the memory that tingled in my palm. I swallowed, and gave her a nod.

"He's my tutor," I explained, thanking whatever higher power that let me keep my voice steady. "I was struggling with maths-" Jacob's throaty laugh cut me off, nearly making me jump. _You're not going to cry, Bella. You're not!_ Instead, I held on with all I had.

"Slacking off so soon, Bells?" The humor in his eyes tugged at my heart, and I forced a grin when I noticed something in his eyes changing. _Shoot. _He was catching onto me. _Snap out of it!_

"It's..._challenging_," I decided after a short pause, and his eyes narrowed. _You have to do better than that, Bella._ "_'I love a challenge'_, someone once told me," I continued, sheer determination surging through me. "And I think I see now what he meant by that."

Jacob flashed me a wide grin. "Damn. Sounds like a smart guy."

"Smart, but full of himself," I allowed.

"Sure, sure." He was grinning with his whole face now.

"Who are your friends?" I stiffened – _oh, come _on! – then cringed, not able to stop myself, and tried to offer Tobias, who was suddenly standing next to us, a polite smile.

"I'm Jamie," she intercepted before I could even open my mouth, and held her hand out, which Tobias happily took. "And this is Jake," she added. "You are?"

"Tobias," he said with that smug quirk of his mouth, and I imagined I had a pie to add to it, the visual making him much much easier to look at.

"Well – nice to meet you," she said distractedly, then she turned to me. "No offense, but... I'm kind of not liking this place. Would it be too much trouble if we went elsewhere?" I thought I saw her wink at me, and stared at her dumbly for a second.

"It _is_ a bit crowded," Jacob confessed thoughtfully, then his hand wrapped around my shoulder and he pulled me out of the cafe, Jamie following shortly thereafter.

"It really _was_ nice to meet you. Honest!" I heard her call out behind us, then she appeared in front of me, a huge grin on her face, making those dimples appear again. "Typical Swedish guy," she stated, like it tasted bad. "_Douche-bag_ Swedish guy," she corrected. "I actually hung out with one who came backpacking through Hope like – two years ago, and he was all tanned and _hot_, but shit, what a _royal_ douche."

"Arrogant snobs," I agreed. They'd just saved me – had it really been that obvious? _God._ "Thanks," I said, thoroughly grateful. "You know, there's a Pizza Hut only two blocks from here, how's that sound?"

"Yummy," Jamie confirmed.

"Ah, the memories," Jacob mused as he gave me a meaningful look. It took me a beat to catch on, then I burst out laughing. Jamie's confused expression quickly changed into curiosity, so Jacob and I took turns telling her about Emmett's unfortunate experience with pizza while we walked. Of course we glossed over the actual reason behind it.

"Wow. I'll never look at a pizza in the same light again," Jamie said once we were done. "Oh, and give me ample notice in the future if you ever plan on making some, so I can bring my own food."

"That you've wiped the floor with?" Jacob earned a smack on the arm from Jamie and laughed. "I'm just kidding, your food tastes great. No joke." She grinned up at him, but shook her head, poking him in the side.

"Such a bad liar," she accused playfully. "It was a good try though." Which made him shrug. The sooner we got to eat, the better; my stomach just wasn't in a good place. It didn't help that something tugged at my insides every time I witnessed Jacob's and Jamie's obvious connection. They seemed so comfortable with each other – perfect, just about – and he looked happy. Genuinely happy. _And that's a _good_ thing, because he _really_ deserves that. _I paused at the door, holding it open as they passed me. _It could have been me..._ It hit me out of nowhere, and I gripped the handle firmly, taking a deep breath. _Could have – what if . . ._

"Bells?" came Jacob's concerned voice. _No! Don't you dare ruin this, Bella. Don't you dare! _I flexed my fingers away from the door handle, only now realizing how hard I'd held on to it.

"Huh. I _really_ need to eat something," I said, letting out a small laugh, then rolled my eyes at myself and forced another smile onto my lips and hoped it would do. _It will have to._ "Just a bit woozy – go on. I just need to get my sugar levels back up." Jacob cocked an eyebrow, then his eyes widened, and his eyes dropped down my body, only to – guarded – return to meet mine.

"Are you-" Whatever else he was going to say seemed to get stuck in his throat.

"What?" Momentarily confused, I studied the strange expression on his face. "Am I, what?"

"Nothing," he mumbled and grabbed the door, gesturing for me to walk inside, which I did, but the swift change in his behavior puzzled me – _holy crap_ – I froze.

"No!" I exclaimed, horrified, at first, then I looked away, embarrassment making my face hot. "That would mean – which doesn't – oh, _God_, I – I'm sorry." I shook myself mentally, and unglued my feet, moving into the restaurant. I couldn't even remember the last time Edward and I had – _please!_

Jamie was already waiting. "Are we ready to order?" She looked me over. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah...thanks."

While we waited for the pizzas, I came to the conclusion that I wasn't really hungry at all, and the churning in my stomach had nothing to do with lack of food. The salad I'd grabbed from the buffet only served the purpose of keeping up appearances. After all, I'd excused my strange behavior as being due to lack of food. I did eat it though, even if it didn't go down easily. I rationalized that it was my body's way of sympathizing with me for the bitter pill I had to swallow. _You had your chance_, the small voice echoed inside my head. _Plenty, actually._

"Bella?" Jamie's question pulled me out of my melancholic abstraction, and I stopped chasing the olive around my plate. _What's next? Peas? _the voice mocked me. _Go away! _

"I'm sorry," I apologized sincerely, but Jamie grinned, then she reached out and stabbed my olive-

"Check this out," she said with a mischievous twinkle in her eye, then flipped the olive into the air, and caught it in her mouth. "I don't make a mess in Meg's kitchen for nothing," she laughingly told me. "When you're stuck with food several hours a day, you have to compensate, yeah? So I learn all sorts of useless tricks." She stabbed another olive on my plate, and did the same. "This took me several weeks to perfect, though – we don't have too much stuff on the menu that contains olives."

"Just stick to small things – pancakes are out of your league." Jacob arched away from her hand as it whipped out to hit him, then turned his eyes on me. "Seriously, you should've-"

"No! Quiet!" Jamie cut in, and he started laughing when she reached up to try and cover his mouth. "Shit. This is unfair, you're a freaking giant and I can't reach!" But she was laughing now, too.

"She was making pancakes, and wanted to do that flip-" he cut off when the waitress turned up with our pizzas, and Jamie flashed him a triumphant smile.

"Enjoy your meal," the short girl said after handing out our plates.

"That's some skill," Jamie marveled. "I've tried stacking plates, but, yeah-" she laughed once, and Jacob took a bite, smirking as he chewed. It _did_ smell pretty good, and I looked away from them, grudgingly eying my pizza.

"So anyway," Jacob said, and Jamie groaned. "'You're not doing it right', I tell her, and show her to put a bit more effort behind it-"

"So I did," she interrupted, then picked up a slice and shifted forward, while Jacob chuckled. "But it was too much, and next thing I know, I'm decorating the ceiling with pancakes, which Jake picked off and ate." She grimaced. "Imagine all the crap up there." Her hair fell into her eyes as she shook her head. "Gross."

"Food's food," he defended with a shrug, and bit off a huge piece of pizza, beaming at her. "'Sides-" he swallowed, then winked. "-pancakes are one of the few things you ace." And Jamie's mouth popped open as she expelled a gush of air.

"Wow," I breathed. "That was kind of mean."

"He's right," Jamie admitted. "But, yeah. Harsh."

"Christ...it was a compliment!" His eyes went from Jamie to me – I raised an eyebrow – then back again, and he rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I get it – gang up on me. That's cool." Jamie's mouth twitched, and so did mine. Jacob's eyes narrowed.

"You're slacking off, Jake," Jamie accused, then let out a giggle-snort. "Your face," she managed, chortling, while I tried to keep a straight face.

"So _weak_," I agreed, pretending to be appalled, and Jacob looked at me, his dark brows lifting slightly.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yup." And I bit into my pizza, chewing while eying him from across the table. He deliberated for a moment, then his face smoothed into a casual expression.

"Uh huh. We'll see about that."

**o~*iii*~o**

By the time we had finished lunch it was almost three pm, and while making our way back to the cars, Jamie started asking about where I lived. Before I really thought about what I was doing, I'd invited them over to my house for coffee, which I almost instantly regretted, as soon as I took in Jacob's expression. He still didn't like Edward, and I didn't know how to tell him he wasn't there, to ease his discomfort. I didn't want to wave Jacob's dislike for my husband like a red flag.

"A shame Edward isn't home," I said, looking at Jamie instead. "He's got a mean collection of music, and I'm sure he would've loved to show it to you."

After the pancake story, Jamie had told me that she always had music blaring in the kitchen, since she couldn't work without it, so I figured it was a safe card to play. Discreetly I glanced at Jacob, and one corner of his mouth had lifted, making me let out an inward sigh of relief.

Finally back home, Jamie stepped through the door to my house, and let out a sharp whistle. "Holy fuck." Jacob rolled his eyes at her, and I quickly toed my shoes off and tossed my jacket over a chair.

"I'll get the coffee going," I told them, and slipped away to the kitchen, feeling strangely embarrassed. Edward wasn't like Alice, who wanted to surround herself with extravagance, but he still had a specific taste. Our home wasn't exactly what I would've picked, had the choice been mine, but I'd been quite happy to go along with whatever he'd decided. Come to think on it, there were a lot of things I just agreed to, and I had no real grasp on _why._

"This place is heavy," Jamie said, as she came into the kitchen to lean against the counter next to me. "And dark – it's so stylish and sleek and stuff. I've never seen so much – _dark_ wood everywhere..." Her words trailed off as she stroked the bench top.

"Impressive, Bella." Jacob came into the kitchen. There was a hard edge in his voice, barely noticeable, but since I knew him so well, I could tell. I winced. _Stupid, Bella. This was a very bad idea._ He looked way out of place, and not comfortable at all. Would they notice if I sabotaged my coffee machine and told them we had to go drink coffee elsewhere?

"Mind if I go sightseeing?" Jamie asked. "I need to find the bathroom." And I pointed toward the hallway across from the dining area.

"Not at all, make yourself at home." The moment she disappeared down the hallway, I turned fully to look at Jacob. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I wasn't thinking, you don't have to – I'll make up an excuse, say I had to run an errand, and-"

"Bella," he interrupted, and I took a deep breath, biting my lip to keep myself quiet. "It's _my_ problem. Not yours, and not Jamie's – she likes you, _and_ the damn house, so we're staying."

"I – I like her, too. She's...different," I offered, which made him chuckle.

"Yeah, she is. But a good different, huh?" I simply nodded, and he stepped further into the kitchen. "Want a hand with anything?" he asked, and I shook my head.

"I've got it," I replied, and returned to focus on the task at hand: operating the coffee machine. Jacob passed behind me- "Well, if you want you could get some cups out-" -and I turned, bumping into him. "-oh, sorry." Quickly, I stepped to the side. "Here," I said, and opened one of the overhead cabinets, meeting his curious eyes fleetingly, before going back to measure up the coffee beans.

"So, where's – Edward?"

"Oh, he had to leave early today for practice and to set up." _Stupid beans._ I could never remember the right amount. _You'll have to make a wild guess._

"Right – he plays in a...jazz band, was it?" There was humor in his voice now, which made me pause to glance over to where he stood, looking slightly overwhelmed. "Uh, Bells?" He turned to me with a boyish grin. "There's a billion cups and mugs and shit here – is it, like, the same idea as with those days-of-the-week underwear, or what?" I stifled back a giggle, then shook my head.

"No, Jake. It's a case of Alice."

"Huh, well – I still don't know which ones to pick," he thoughtfully said, then pulled out a cup with hand painted roses and scalloped rim. "Either these, I mean, seriously-" he examined it. "-if cups could be sexy, these would be it." I covered my mouth – _Esme_ had bought us those – and Jacob's eyes went back to the cabinet. "Hey-" He pulled out a trumpet shaped cup with a geometric pattern on it. "These are kind of cool." Suddenly a huge smile broke out on his face and he reached into the back of the cabinet. He'd found a large, pink mug with a spaghetti-armed princess on it, wearing a three toothed crown, and kissing a frog. Our eyes met. "You _still_ have this?"

"Renée bought it for me on my 16th birthday – of course I still have it," I said defensively, my throat suddenly closing up, and I snatched it from his hand and hugged it in a protective manner. "And Charlie used to bring me chicken soup in it, when I was..." I trailed off, the memory hitting me like a sucker-punch. I blinked against the burn, stunned at the image in my head.

"Aw, honey – shit. I'm sorry-"

"I'm fine," I interrupted quickly in a cracked whisper. _It's just a cup, and it's just a memory. __All kids outgrow their parents. You're a grown up, now, _I told myself sternly.

"I didn't mean-"

"I know." I reached up to shove the mug back into the corner, rearranging the other cups before returning to the coffee machine. "Let's go with the cool ones," I offered thickly, as I wiped the heel of my palm at my eyes, while starting the grinder. Warm hands wrapped around my shoulders and it took just about all of me to not lean into him. "Please, don't," I choked out, not sure whether I was talking to him or myself._ If only I didn't want – it wouldn't be so hard, and – stop! Just stop!_

"Bells, let me-"

"_Please_," I begged. If he came any closer, if he held me – if he did _anything,_ I knew – I _knew_ I wouldn't be able to keep it together. _Breathe. In. Out. You can do this._ I stared at nothing through the blur, and when his hands slipped down my arms, my breath stopped in my throat. I closed my eyes and finally he let me go.

"'Kay," he said quietly. Something twisted my insides, and I released the breath I'd held.

"Thank you," I whispered and opened my eyes again, then went over to the tap to get some water. _You _need_ to get it together. You _have_ to. _Jacob moved back to the cabinet and started pulling the cups out, while I finally got the stupid machine started. The silence was deafening, but just as I was about to open my mouth, I heard the door open-

"_I _love_ rock 'n roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby!_" -followed by a groan behind me, making me turn to look at Jacob. He shook his head, but gave me a somewhat small, but still soft smile.

"Shut up, Emmett, or I'll kick your ass." Nessie?

"Looks like we're getting reinforcements," Jacob said meaningfully, then Emmett came walking into the kitchen, and behind him was Rosalie, Embry and-

"Nessie!" As soon as she saw my face her eyes flickered to Jacob, then back to me, then back to Jacob again.

"Dammit, I'm gonna kick _your_ ass, too," she warned him, which made him breathe out in disbelief.

"Jeez, what did I do now?"

"You're just on the wrong side of the human race, man," Embry said with humor as he, also, came into the kitchen to give Jacob a firm slap on the back.

"I heard that," Nessie said.

I sighed and pulled her into my arms. "Leave them alone, Nessie, I'm fine. You know me; always blubbering about something." And she squeezed me back, before pulling away, and I waved my hand dismissively at her scrutiny.

"Shit, your bathroom is like the Taj Mahal, I should've asked for a map-" Jamie stopped in her tracks, blinking at the suddenly crowded kitchen. "Wow – what'd I miss?"

"We're going to watch Edward play tonight," Rosalie informed her, and came to grab my hand. "Hey, babe – _you_ look like you need to help me with something." And before I could protest she was dragging me away from the cacophony that broke out behind us.

Once in the bathroom she let her bag slip off her shoulder and she closed the door behind us. "Right," she began, all business. "Clothes off, and get in the shower."

"I already-"

"Shower. Now." She folded her arms over her chest, watching me expectantly, and I gave her a suspicious look but started unbuttoning my jeans.

"What's going on?"

"Besides stopping four times to puke my guts up, having to put up with Emmett's I-wanna-be-the-next-American-Idol repertoire, for two damn hours, _and_ craving sardines-" she cut off, not even seeming out of breath, and shrugged. "-everything's peachy cream, Bella baby – but _why_ are you all puffy-eyed?"

"Jacob found my princess mug," I told her while wriggling out of my jeans, then turned to pull my shirt off.

"This is so much better. You actually have an ass now." And I paused, glancing at her over my shoulder. Rosalie smirked when heat prickled my cheeks.

"Stop it, Rose," I pleaded, and she gave out a snort.

"Get in the shower – I'll be back in a minute." With that she left, and I stood there, staring at the door for a long while before even making an attempt to get in the shower.

I'd had no idea Nessie and Embry were going to show up, but I was glad they were here. My daughter had, fully within her right, ignored me and Edward for a couple of months, after Jacob told her about the imprinting drama. Which, in turn, had caused a small rift between her and her Dad. It wasn't so much Nessie that was upset with Edward, but he who hadn't liked that she'd ignored us for as long as she had. I'd tried to tell him that he needed to be more understanding, but he wouldn't have it.

I was lathering up my sponge when Rosalie came back, and I heard her rummaging through her bag as I quickly washed myself. There was no way I would use shampoo on my hair again, or I'd look like a poodle. Not too long after we came out here, to Anchorage, I'd noticed some changes; such as my hair being slightly thicker, and my natural waves had started curling here and there. Moreover, since I _was_ prone to accidents, whenever I got a nick or a bruise it didn't take weeks to fade, but days. It was the blood, of course it was. At one point I had wondered if this would affect our lifespan, too. I hoped it wasn't a big shift, which was strange for me to say, who had once wanted to live forever. The case now, however, was that I didn't want to draw suspicion.

"Jamie wants to come with us to listen to Edward," Rosalie announced when I stepped out of the shower. I grabbed the towel she held out to me, and wrapped it around myself. "Jacob is going to some bar with Emmett and Embry, and she didn't want them to be stuck in any underage-ones, so – _and_...apparently, she _loves_ jazz."

"Sure, she can come along," I replied, not knowing what else to say. "She did mention she loves listening to music, so..." Then I grinned. "Jacob's and Embry's ID's might _say_ twenty-three – if they only knew, though, they wouldn't worry too much about Jamie's age," I said with a smirk, and Rosalie let out a huff.

"Emmett's ID should say five instead of twenty-two." She pulled me up to the counter, and grabbed my chin, turning my head back and forth. "That invention of yours seems to have cured zits, too" – a sigh – "And here I was, actually looking forward to covering them up with makeup." I grinned at her disappointed expression, then pinched a few strands of her hair.

"You have split ends. Is that good enough?"

"I – I do?" And she captured my hand, studying the ends of her hair. "Do too!" she exclaimed, her face suddenly joyous. Rosalie had the strangest blue eyes I'd ever seen: not that usual pale and washed out color, but more like the ocean.

"The chances of your kid getting your eyes aren't that big," I thought out loud. "And Emmett's got brown, which is dominant, so-"

"Just as long as the kid doesn't get David Bowie eyes I'm happy – I _do_ hope it gets Emmett's dark hair, though, but – I'm having a baby!"

"Yup." My cheeks started hurting, my own lips mirroring her smile as I watched her. _And I'm going to be a Godmother. Maybe I should start speaking with an Italian accent?_ Jacob would _love_ that one. Actually, he'd groan at my bad joke. _Again with the stomach pains. Go. Away._

"All right – back to business." She picked up a brush and wielded a hairdryer, making my eyes widen.

"Um, what are you-"

"No complaining," she curtly interrupted, then got started on my hair.

"Usually it's Alice fussing over my appearance," I said, watching Rosalie's focused face. "What's the occasion?"

"You need girly time," was her only comment, so I let it go. It was quite nice though, once I allowed myself to relax. I didn't have a sensitive scalp – if anything, I _liked_ it when someone did something to my hair. _Renée used to brush your hair._ Where did all these memories come from? It was impossible to hold the words back that tumbled out of me.

"I – I can't remember when they died...I can't – when did they...how-" My throat closed around the rest, and I swallowed against the lump. _Honestly? Get a grip!_ Rosalie paused, and switched off the hairdryer.

"Oh – I can't remember either, Bella. I'm sorry." Her eyes were on mine, and I swallowed once more. With difficulty.

"Don't be sorry," I said quietly. "I'll – maybe Embry remembers," I suggested. Not a topic I wanted to bring up around Jacob. As much as I knew he'd gladly tell me anything I wanted to know, it would be too much. Something was missing, some part – I just didn't feel..._right_._ Stop it. Just stop stop stop it!_

"Why don't you ask Jacob?" Rosalie turned on the hairdryer again, and I let my eyes drop to the counter as she continued with my hair. _Jacob. Is not yours. You have no right. No claim. He's _Jamie's _now. _I gripped the edge of the marble, grinding my teeth together. _You _love_ him. Did you really think it would just go away? Delusional. You. Much._

_Shut up shut up shut up._

"Babe?"

_Breathe._

"Yeah." _Good! That's it._ "I don't know," I hedged, angry tears obscuring my vision when my voice wouldn't _stay even!_ "I wouldn't want to bug him with my shit-" I bit my lip. Hard. _Um. What the hell was that? _"So, what do you think I should wear?" I hurriedly asked. "Slacks or a skirt? Maybe I should try on that nice pencil skirt Alice got me, she would love to know that I'm finally taking advantage of her fashion sense." _You're babbling. Stop babbling. _"I mean...I don't know – what do you think?" When I looked up to meet Rosalie's eyes I shrank a little. She wasn't impressed. _Well – duh! Maybe _you_ are blind, but others aren't._

"I think you should wear whatever _you_ are comfortable wearing," she said in an even tone, if perhaps a bit strained. _Great. Now you're pissing _everyone _off! Regressing much? _"Screw the rest." Rosalie didn't say anything else after that, and I spent another ten minutes trying to convince myself I wasn't going insane, until she finally broke the silence. "If you can't think of something to wear, I'll help you. But try finding something yourself – that _you _like." With that she left the bathroom, and I glared at my reflection.

"You had _better _keep it together at the club tonight. Don't be an idiot."

Jacob left with Embry and Emmett an hour before we did, and as the minutes ticked forward, I tried to be friendly – the perfect hostess. All this trying, _and trying and trying and damn trying_ made me sick. I wanted to puke on it all. I felt fake, and I spent all my time fighting the chaos that threatened to bubble up inside me. Somewhere, someone was dragging their nails across a blackboard; the sound was absent, but my insides twisted and my skin crawled all the same. For once, I was _really_ looking forward to going out. The sooner I got out of the house, the better. A constant, oppressive cloud hung in the air, and I was suffocating in it.

Rosalie had found me perched on the edge of Edward's and my bed, aimlessly digging through the pile of clothes I had ripped out of the closet, and dumped on top of the too-embarrassingly-expensive-to-even-mention satin throw. It had been my intention to pick something out to wear, but nothing suited. None of it was _me_. I wanted my sweats, and my hoodie and an extra large – _two_ extra large tubs of frozen blackberry yoghurt, and I wanted to sit in front of a flickering screen and feed my face! _Or just curl up in a very warm and comforting embrace – but that's not __possible, because _Jamie_ has taken that place now. And it could have been you, but it's not. Of course, that doesn't mean somebody _else_ should deal with _your_ problems. So you better deal with it. Yourself._

_I _am_ trying. _

_Then try _harder.

I bit my lip, and squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force back the tears. That's when Rosalie walked in and handed me an ensemble she'd picked out of her own suitcase, then left the room again, without so much as a word. "Thank you," I whispered after her. There was something eerily familiar about it all: this house, the way I spent my days, and it was right on the tip of my tongue, but I still couldn't _spit it out._ _How_ was it that I could only remember a fraction of the years I knew I had lived? And why – please, God, _why_ did I only remember times of darkness and sunny smiles? Where were my memories of falling in love with my husband? _Where?_ I barely remembered coming to Forks, let alone what took place thereafter. Those memories never popped into my awareness like all others. It's as if I had been completely blanked out. _Why?_

There _were_ a few memories I had that were clear enough to hold on to: a cafeteria, a table, talking – a name – Lauren. _Lauren._ Of _course._ But then I saw another table; it's occupants sat frozen, like some strange plaster collage. A somewhat fascinating one. The Cullens. Only, in this memory, they didn't feel like the people I had come to love as my own family. Alice wasn't her exuberant self, and Rosalie didn't scowl at Emmett for being a kid. Jasper – was Jasper, only stiffer and paler. But Edward...it wasn't _my_ Edward. Not the one I was about to watch play the piano. Sure, he did look bored, bored out of his mind. They all did, actually.

"Time to go. Chop chop." The door slid ajar and Nessie poked her head in; I could see her from the reflection in the full length mirror I stood in front of.

"I'll be down in a minute," I promised, giving her a smile, which made her grimace. I sighed. Yeah, so I was a fraud, but still. "Go on, I'll meet you in the car."

"Rose and Jamie left already." She stepped fully into the room, and I looked away, pushing at the ugliness I knew was right _there_. It had to be nasty, since it stabbed viciously at me every time I steeled myself against it.

"Okay." It was all I dared to allow myself say. _More counting, perhaps?_ I took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly. "Let's get this party started, eh?" Nessie wasn't so easily convinced when I turned to her with the semblance of a grin.

"You look ecstatic," she teasingly said, and I rolled my eyes.

"Because I am." I tiny little smirk tugged at my lips. "_Immensely_ so." _Sarcasm is better than a verbal string of mental nonsense_, I told myself. Again, it would just have to do.

**o~*iii*~o**

Corner 5 – the name of the club Edward played at – was a fairly new and modern establishment, not that you'd be able to tell once you walked inside. But, I guess, that was the whole point. It had the 1940's written all over it, even with the 'in' twist. To be fair, it wasn't half bad, as in, I didn't mind it terribly. After all, I _had_ been there on countless occasions, before we started slipping . . .

Rosalie and Jamie already sat by one of the small, rounded tables, and I could tell Rosalie was relieved when she spotted us. Jamie was sipping a large soda, while glancing around eagerly. I followed her gaze as it stopped, and found myself looking at one of the large paintings – photograph, more correctly. It was a blow-up copy, in black and white, of some large jazz event in New York, from way way back. Edward had told me about it once, but I could no longer remember. _You weren't all that interested,_ my persistent, inner stalker reminded me.

As I let my eyes wander toward the stage area, I caught one of Edward's band members waving at me, and I lifted my hand in a friendly gesture, smiling.

"This is the coolest place... Honest." Jamie's grin, as I'd come to notice, was always wide and open, and it, more often than not, created those little dimples in her cheek_._ It wasn't hard to see how Jacob would like her, of course he would. _Does he...love her?_ I tried to swallow, but failed. _Jealous, are we?_ This time I swallowed _hard_.

Thoughts and images bounced around in my brain, and I could feel something begin to crack along the edges of my sanity. I tried to reject it, and instead of letting it get the better of me, I somehow managed to pull out one of the unoccupied chairs and sit down. _I am going to ignore it now, _I firmly told myself. _I am going to sit here, listen to music and have a cappuccino...and _you_ are going to be quiet. As you have been, for the past God-knows-how-many-months. _This was _my_ life – Edward's and my life. And I was _trying_ to make it work. Nobody – _nothing_ could get to me if I didn't let it. _I can do this_, I stubbornly insisted.

Unless I was losing it, I swore the club had been invaded by evil leprechauns, scurrying around under the tables and cackling maniacally at me.

"Nessie, I thought you were Bella's cousin, or did I get that wrong?" Jamie's question pulled me back to reality.

"She is," I answered at the same time as Nessie said 'I am'. Jamie looked slightly puzzled as she studied my daughter. _Oh boy._ Then she turned to look at the stage and Edward.

"But your hair-"

"Cool, isn't it?" Nessie cut in. She didn't even seem one bit worried about the question. "First time I met Edward, I instantly thought: damn, I've _got_ to have that hair-" She elbowed me lightly, winking. "-remember?" A tiny, weird, but humorous, giggle came out through my nose.

"Yeah. How could I forget?" _What? _My eyes shifted from Jamie's curious face to Nessie's half amused expression.

"So I dragged him down to the salon with me one day," Nessie continued. "Bella had to help – he's a bit funny like that – and made them match it. They did a perfect job, huh?"

_Bizarre._ But Jamie couldn't possibly know, or even in her wildest dreams imagine, what the truth was. At times, it would hit me that I had a daughter who's ID said twenty-one, yet was, in reality, around ninety years old. Or that everyone at my college thought I was twenty, when my real age was that plus almost a century. Also, I had no real way of relating to _becoming_ a Mom, and a lot of memories from my life as a vampire were probably gone for good. All I had were photographs, but not even those helped me remember everything. It was...heartbreaking. _Keep it together._

**o~*iii*~o**

"Who's that?" Rosalie was looking toward the stage – the show was over – where Edward was talking to a young woman and, at a guess, a friend of hers.

"Oh that – that's Lauren," I replied. It wasn't the first time I'd seen them talking, and I knew they had lunch from time to time.

"Oh, so _that's_ her-" Rosalie pressed her lips together, and shot me a guilty look, which was completely out of character for her.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked.

"Eh." She seemed thoroughly uncomfortable, and turned back to watch Edward. She wasn't the only one. All of us observed as he laughed at something, Lauren and her friend laughing with him. He appeared to be happy. Relaxed, too. I smirked as he pulled his hand through his hair; obviously something had made him nervous, and he had that sheepish look on his face. "Remember when we had lunch at Arnauld's?" Rosalie studied my face, a skeptic glint in her eyes.

"Sure I do. Why?"

"Well," she hedged. Uncertainty wasn't Rosalie's thing, nor did she fidget. Now, however, she engaged in both. Something was up. "Alice was talking about a Lauren, and – well, you know the rest. I told her to mind her own damn business." I watched her profile as she turned back to Edward, who was now coming toward us. I guess we weren't as funny as Lauren and her friend, since he was his stiff self again, looking all tired and _oh-gee-I-wish-I-didn't-have-to_. Typical.

"That was an epic show!" Jamie excitedly said, and stood up, holding her hand out. Edward, slightly taken aback, shook it and offered her a halfhearted, but polite, smile.

"Thank you," he offered graciously, then his eyes came to rest on me. I thought he was going to say something, but he must have decided against it, and turned to Nessie, instead. "I see you managed to make it up here. We haven't seen you for a while, Renesmee." I wanted to sink through the seat of my chair at the way he was speaking to her. She didn't flinch, though. If anything, the playful smile she wore made me arch a brow.

"Jeez, one would think you're my Dad or something, Edward," she teased, and both Rosalie and I had to bite back on a laugh. Edward, however, wasn't one bit impressed, but Nessie ignored him and turned to Jamie. "Funny, isn't he? He likes bossing me around-" And she turned back to Edward. "Don't you, Daddy." She winked.

"You remember Jamie, don't you, Edward?" I waited for him to look at me – _please, for the love of heaven _– then gestured toward Jamie who, no doubt, didn't know what to think. He looked down at her, and forced a smile.

"Yes. Meg's niece, if my memory serves me – how are things in Hope?" he asked in an attempt at being social.

Jamie hesitated, but grinned. "Uh – pretty good. I came up with Jake to have a look at Bella's college. She's a great tour guide...when she's not falling behind, that is," she joked, her smile playful as she looked at me. My lips curved, then I felt Edward's eyes on me, and his expression smoothed.

"Oh. Jacob is in town, is he?"

"Embry and Emmett, too," I added, sensing the tension.

"Well, what do you know. It's like a mini-reunion-" He paused, and looked around. "How come they're not here?"

"Oh, they wanted to go out to some bars," Jamie explained.

"What a shame," Edward said, his face stoic. "A soulful man like Jacob, you'd think would appreciate a good dose of jazz." I stiffened, but Nessie reached out and grabbed my hand, squeezing it, which Edward noticed. "You know, Jamie," he began conversationally, and she looked up at him with curiosity. "For a long time, Jacob thought Renesmee was his soul mate."

I blinked. _What was he doing?_

Nessie, on the other hand, wasn't fazed at all by the jab. "Edward," she said lightly. "You know Jacob and I are just close. I mean, he doesn't even buy into this whole soul mate thing." She had an easy smile on her face as she turned to Jamie. "We had a debate about souls and stuff once, and it was pretty fascinating, but – Edward here, doesn't believe in spiritual things. He just likes teasing me." Nessie offered her Dad a challenging smile.

"Oh, right," he allowed, his lips forming a thin line. "Yes, of course-"

_This is absurd. What's going on?_

Jamie looked from Edward to Nessie, and I could tell she was sensing the tension now, whereas Rosalie simply gazed at her brother in disbelief.

"-because he's into self-denial and torturing himself. Forgive me," Edward finished.

"Edward!" I protested. "What's _wrong _with you?" Incredulously, I stared at him, as he finally turned to face me.

"I beg your pardon?" His eyes hardened. "Wrong with _me_?" He scoffed. "Tell me, Bella, how is he these days?"

"What?"

"It's a simple question," he pointedly said. "Is he over you yet?"

Heat rushed into my face. "Edward, this is so not the place-"

The laugh that cut me off was without humor, cold and harsh. "Well, that answers my question," he said dryly.

"Knock it off," I snapped.

"Ah, yes. There you go, defending him again-" His green eyes flashed with something I couldn't decipher. "-always taking his side."

"Don't be ridiculous," I said with a snort, and Edward's eyes intensified as they pierced into me.

"Hardly... Actually, I think you are _both_ in denial – you are still in love with him, aren't you?" The words hit me like a sharp, blistering slap across my face. Someone gasped, and I was on my feet in an instant. The room was suddenly very small; getting smaller still by the second. Edward was staring at me, his face falling, as I stared back – stunned.

"I can't believe you said that," I managed in a voice barely holding together. "_Here?_" I threw my arms out hopelessly, not daring to account for how many were actually staring by now. The humiliation was too much. "What the hell has gotten into you?" I blinked against the tears, biting down on my tongue until it stung. "I have to leave," I mumbled, blindly reaching for my bag. "I have to go." My eyes shifted quickly to Jamie- "I'm _so_ sorry." -and I nearly tripped over the chair as I turned. "I'm leaving," I continued to babble incoherently, dodging people on my way through the sea of blurred faces, apologies tumbling out of me in a rush. I heard my name being called, but had no idea who it was, nor did I care. All I wanted was to get out.

The cool breeze hit me as I stepped out into the Alaskan summer night, and I gazed up and down the street, trying to remember where I'd left the car. _Don't lose it. Keep it together. _

"Watch it," said an annoyed voice as I accidentally bumped into someone, hurrying down the esplanade. My 'sorry' lodged in my throat, so I just continued, desperate to make it to my car before the storm inside me broke the surface._ I can't do it. I can't take it anymore. No more. _

"Bella!" I whirled at the voice, and Nessie held her hand out as she crossed the street, horns angrily honking at her. "Wait-" She stopped in front of me, her eyes searching my face. I don't know what she found, but her brows pulled together in sympathy. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that...I had no idea he'd react that way-"

"It's not your fault, Nessie," I interruped. "He's a grown man, he shouldn't have – I don't know what happened...I don't understand..." I had no words to speak; no way to voice what I couldn't even wrap my head around. How could he stand there, and say all that he had? It was all too much. Just far too much.

"What's going on, Mom? Are you and Dad okay?" Nessie tried to get me to look at her, but all I could do was to stare blankly.

"Yes – no...I don't know. No, we're not okay, Nessie...I don't know, I just don't _know._" _But you do know, _the inner voice persisted. _That's why it hurts so much, because he's right. _I shook my head. I loved Edward, I always had and I always would. _Yes. But you're not _in_ love with him._ My heart beat unevenly in my chest, the tears pushing to overwhelm me, but I held on, shaking my head again – back and forth.

"Mom, come on, talk to me, I want to he-"

"Bella button!" Nessie and I turned toward the voice, and Emmett came swaggering across the semi-empty parking lot. I choked back on a sob like giggle. _Get a hold on yourself._ Behind him were Embry and Jacob, but their wide grins quickly died as they took in the sight of me. _Damn damn damn! Get a grip, will you?_ The smile I tried felt all wrong, but I kept it in place all the same.

"Hey – _oh_-" The air whooshed out of my lungs as I was swooped up in a hug, Emmett's strong grip nearly crushing me. My feet dangled in the air.

"My little Bella belly button-" He set me back down again, and I gasped when the cold wind hit my skin, as Emmett fumbled with my blouse. My eyes widened and I laughed.

"What are you-"

"Where's my little Bella button?" I struggled against him. "_There' she is!_" And suddenly his head dove down, and his mouth vibrated against my stomach as he blew sloppy raspberries, the sound and tickling sensation making me nearly lose my balance as I burst into a fit of giggles.

"Emmett!" I choked out in shock, looking at Nessie helplessly, who was trying to control her own laughter. "God, Emmett, stop!" I shrieked and chortled. He came back up, grinning with his whole face.

"Bella button is ticklish!" He turned proudly to Jacob and Embry, who both seemed amused.

"Been drinking again, huh?" I laughingly said, and Emmett scoffed.

"No no no – what? Pfft." And he squinted his eyes at Jacob and Embry. "They wouldn't take me to Al's!" His bottom lip shot out in a childish manner. "I had all these awesome songs in my head-"

"There's only so much singing a guy can take, all right?" Embry interrupted, and gave a shrug. "So...what's going on?" He looked around. "Where is everyone?"

"They're still at the Corner," Nessie quickly said. "Jamie's pretty observant," she continued. "She made me cook up a cover story."

"Yeah," I filled in. "Nessie here, apparently, dragged Edward to the salon" – I pointed at Nessie's hair – "to make them match the color." We exchanged a glance, and I mouthed 'thank you'.

"That's my girl – quick-witted." Embry winked at Nessie, then pulled her into his arms, making her giggle. Which was something she never, in a million years, would have done from what I remembered of her. At least not in the way she did now, but we all knew why. As long as she was happy, so was I.

Emmett was laughing, and threw his arm around my shoulders. "Edward in a girly salon – nice. Maybe we should hold him down and dye his hair black? He's emo enough."

"Obviously, it didn't happen," Nessie told him.

"Jeez, I know. I'm not _that_ drunk. Can't I make fun of my stuffy brother?" He dropped his arm suddenly, moving past Embry and Nessie. "Look, there's my baby! How're my babies doing?" He broke into a jog.

"Don't trip!" I called after him, and he laughed.

"Speak for yourself!" he shouted back and I huffed. Rosalie, who'd just crossed the street with Jamie in tow, stopped as Emmett tried to put his arms around her. A wave of nausea hit me out of nowhere, when I saw Jamie coming toward us, and suddenly my skin felt all clammy. _Calm down. It'll work out just fine. _I couldn't look at her face, nor was I able to look at Jacob, whose eyes were now burning holes into my skull.

"Bella?" Nessie inquired worriedly.

_Breathe. One, two, three – _"Uh huh?" – _four, five, six-_

"Bells?" Jacob was next to me, and I flinched back when his hand grazed my arm – _seven, eight, nine- _"Jeez, Bella, what's up with you?" -_ten, eleven, twelve-_

"Nothing, I'm fine," I said in a quiet mumble – _thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...it's not working! Try harder! One, two, three-_

"Hey," I heard Jamie say – _four, five, six _– and I raised my gaze apprehensively to meet hers. "How're you doing?" _Seven, eight, nine-_

"I'm okay – I'm so sorry, I-"

"It's cool, don't worry about it," she insisted quickly – _ten, eleven, twelve-_

"What's going on?" Jacob jumped into it quickly and glanced between us, his eyes narrowing.

"Uh – well-" Jamie hesitated, eying me then looking up at Jacob who was getting more and more suspicious by the second. _Thirteen! Fourteen! Fifteen! Dammit!_

"Edward was in a bit of a mood," Nessie confessed as as casually as possible, and Jacob's head snapped up, glancing across the parking lot. Edward was there with Rosalie and Emmett, his face strained. He'd spotted Jacob, and it looked like they were having the stand-off of the century by glares alone. _No no no. Please. No._

"He's just tired – he shouldn't have – just let it go," I stuttered in a rush, and Jacob tore his eyes away, and I cringed inwardly, my heart leaping into my throat, as the intensity in them held me in place.

"Shouldn't have...what, exactly? What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

"Jake, man, you heard her. Let it go," Embry said calmly. Jacob's eyes flickered with an emotion I couldn't place, and Jamie stuck her hands in her pockets, looking awkward as she glanced at our faces.

"Goddammit – how fucking hard is it to say it straight?" He waited, but no one said anything, so he straightened- "Right. If you can't talk, then he will." And he jerked his chin in the direction of Edward, and started toward him.

_This has to stop. Now._

"_Jacob_," I almost shouted after him, and he paused, his eyes guarded as they came back to meet mine. "Just _let it go_," I begged. "It's not worth it." His mouth opened, as if he was about to say something, but he snapped it shut, his jaw tensing. _I hate this. I hate it I hate it I hate it!_ My throat was closing up as I forced the words out of my mouth. "Go home, okay? Don't do this..." I swallowed. "_Please..._just_...go_."

"Come on, Jacob," Nessie said, slipping out of Embry's arms. "It's between Edward and Bella, okay? So-"

"Ness," he warned. "I'm not going anywhere until I get a fucking answer..." He trailed off, and we followed his gaze that was now locked on Edward, who was coming toward us.

_This is not happening._

"Bella," Edward said, stopping a few feet away, and I pressed my lips together. "I am so very, very sorry." His face was drawn and hopeless, and his eyes showed nothing but regret. "There is no excuse, but still, I should not have said what I did." Then he turned to Nessie and Jamie. "It was very nice of you both to come to the club tonight, and I truly regret how it ended-"

"And how _did_ it end?" Jacob asked, and Edward reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose, while Nessie stepped forward.

"It doesn't matter anymore." She glanced at her dad. "I'm gonna go home," she said, then came to put her arms around me, squeezing lightly. "I'll try to come up again soon – love you," she finished in a whisper, then let go.

"You too." I gave her half a smile, and she paused in front of Jacob.

"Hey, you," she said sternly, and reluctantly he took his eyes off Edward. "Go home, okay?" it was obvious that he had no intention of letting it go, and Nessie slumped her shoulders, rolling her eyes at him. "Jesus," was all she said, then turned to Embry. "Let's go."

"I'll meet you at the car," he said, his eyes drifting from Jacob to Edward, then finally to me. Nessie shrugged and walked to Embry's car. "I don't know what's going on here, but, by the looks of things, debating it in the middle of the night ain't the way to go."

"No shit," Jacob said, his irritation with the whole situation evident. "It's not like bullshit stops to think about a convenient time though, is it?"

Embry held his hands up in surrender. "All right...your call, man. I'm leaving though – and, Bella," he said and came up to me, and next thing I knew I was struggling for air as his arms squeezed me close. "Come visit soon, before I drag you down there." I nodded into his chest.

"Yes – if I – _survive_."

"Wuss," he accused, but let me go. "Behave yourself." And he walked off. Nessie was watching us from the car, a soft smile on her face, and I tried to smile back.

"Jacob." Edward's condescending tone pulled me back to the reality of the situation. They were _still _arguing?

"Get off your fucking high horse – whenever she's upset" – Jacob jerked his thumb at me – "you're the one responsible. It's always been like that, so excuse me your highness, if I'm not gonna just stand here and take your 'I truly regret' psycho babble bullshit. I don't buy it."

"Jacob," I pleaded.

"Bells-" his voice softened. "You can't lie for shit, okay?"

"Don't speak to my wife that way," Edward warned him, and without thinking about what was appropriate or not, I whirled on Edward.

"Stop it, Edward," I bit out. "You don't decide who speaks to me and how they do it!" Instantly my hand covered my mouth, and I stared at him, shaking my head. Both Jacob and Edward turned to look at me. "Sorry," I whispered. "I – this has gone too far...can we drop it? Please, can we all just go home?"

"Uh." Jamie cleared her throat. "I uh...this isn't my business and all, but...I think I'm gonna have to say that I agree with Bella...and, Jake," she looked at him. "Maybe it's better – for now, at least...yeah?"

Jacob threw me a glance, and I nodded, trying to convey with my eyes that I was sorry, but that he should go. _Please, Jake,_ I begged silently. He puffed out a breath and raked his fingers through his hair, fisting it, before letting his arm drop to his side. "Right. Yeah...okay...sure, sure – whatever." _It wasn't fair. It just wasn't fair._ "Gotta be honest, though," he spoke evenly, returning his eyes to Edward. "You're doing a piss poor job at making her happy, and that's what gets me" – he gave me a brief and clouded look, then turned back – "'cause it was your number one priority – once," he emphasized the last word in a strained voice.

"Oh, believe me, it _still_ _is_ – but things do not always work out the way we want, do they? No matter how hard we try or wish it so – _you_, of all, should know that, Jacob." Edward's eyes were hard and his jaw set in a tense line.

"Oh, yeah? You know all about biting bullets, huh?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," Edward said with an unaffected calm. "There are a lot of things you don't know these days, Jacob, but...frankly, it is none of your business."

"Stop!" I yelled. "Stop_..._just stop!" I was between them before I could hold back, pushing my hands out, my palms pressing into their chests to uselessly try and shove them apart. My eyes settled on Edward's. "Drop it, Edward. Just drop it, and you-" I looked up at Jacob, waiting for him to stop aiming daggers at Edward. "-I don't know what you're doing, Jacob, but – take Jamie home..._God_, the past is done, Jake...it's" – my voice was cracking and I hated it – "_done_ and this...this is _pointless_. Go _home_. Now!" My heart broke when he pulled back, as if I'd just slapped him.

I wanted to break down, I wanted to tell him I didn't mean it, that I wanted him to stay, but everything was different now. He was with _Jamie_, and I was with Edward, and I didn't understand why he looked so _hurt_ and it was all so very _complicated._ No matter what had happened, I'd done what I thought was right – it _had_ been right, but I just didn't know anymore. Everything hurt, and I couldn't deal. I couldn't stand them fighting, so I kept grasping, desperately, at whatever I could to just _stay together._

"You too, Edward. Just leave!" I choked out. _You're going to lose it, right here, if you don't calm down._ My hands dropped and I stepped back – _one, two, three- _"_Please,_" I begged, my head spinning – _four, five, six-_

"Bella-" Edward stopped when I shook my head almost violently – _seven, eight, nine – how difficult was it for them to just _listen?

"I'm leaving, too," I forced out in a shaky voice – _ten, eleven, twelve-_ "I'll see you at home."

"Very well, then." Edward gave Jacob a stiff nod, then turned to walk back. Rosalie and Emmett were still there, and I could see Rosalie eying me in concern. I tried to give her a reassuring smile, but it withered into a grimace. Nothing was working anymore; something inside me was coming apart, and not a damn thing helped.

I quickly turned for my car, fumbling as I dug through my bag for the key, tears building up fast. Way too fast. _Please. Just, please, _I begged in desperation.

"_Can you give me a minute, Jamie?"_

_No no no. Go home!_ I screamed at him in my head, as my fingers finally curled around my key, and I pressed the button, making the lights flash as the car unlocked.

"_Sure, Jake." _I heard a shuffle._ "And uh, thanks for today, Bella – you should come down to Hope more often."_

"Sure," I squeaked, not daring to look at her, then sucked in a breath as I felt something wet trail down my face. _No! Not yet! _It wasn't until I reached out to open the door that I realized how badly I was trembling. Unexpectedly, a big hand wrapped around mine, and I didn't stand a chance against his strength as he turned me into him and secured his arms around me.

"Shh, stop fighting, honey," he spoke quietly, and I stilled – the hurricane inside stopped abruptly, as if someone had pressed pause. All I could feel or hear were the steady beats of Jacob's heart, where the side of my face came into contact with the rise and fall of his chest. "Christ," he said in a breathy whisper. "I'm your best friend, Bells – you've gotta talk to me."

My hands tingled, my arms ached, and if I had ever wanted anything badly it was to hold on to him, but instead I steeled myself, and more tears broke free. _You're with Edward, and Jacob's not yours. Jamie's. Not yours!_

"If you're my best friend, Jacob...then..._please_..._go home._" I flinched when a string of curses slipped through his lips, and then his hands captured my face. Again he swore.

"Shit." A jumble of my hands and his fingers wiped at my tears. "I wanna shake you – really fucking shake you, honey, because you're so damn stubborn. Why won't you let me be there for you?"

"But you are," I told him brokenly. "You _are_ there for me, Jake." As hard as it was, I gave him the best smile I could offer, and meant every word. "You know...I'm glad, I really am-" his eyes searched mine, confusion and bewilderment alive in his face as I continued. "And...you deserve it, if anyone does – but I...this here...tonight – you can't do anything about this. I'm sorry, but I need to go now. Please...okay?" I bit down on my lip when he dropped his hands to straighten up and rake at his hair again, his eyes searching our surroundings, as if trying to find a solution to the problem. He was frustrated, I knew he was.

"There's only so much you can help someone," I began. "Before they have to help themselves, Jake, and you've done your part. You can't do any more than you already have...you've done _so much-_" I swallowed back on the sob that wanted to break the barrier, then he was back, his hands wrapping around my arms. I winced.

"I'm not trying to _fix things_ for you, Bella. I never have, I'm just trying to...fuck – I don't know..._goddammit_." He let me go, but stood his ground, still staring at me. I watched the struggle in his changing expressions, and I wondered what was so difficult for him to say.

"You don't have to explain," I said quickly, sensing his rising agitation, and reached out to touch his arm gently. "You don't owe me anything, but whatever you give, I'm grateful for...and you help more than you know, just by letting me be a part of your life."

"I-" His snapped his mouth shut, his jaw flexing.

"I have to go," I said in barely a whisper. "I'll call you, okay?"

"Yeah," he breathed. "Yeah, okay..." Our eyes met, then his face fell. "Jeez, come here." He grabbed me and held me close, while his fingers moved against my scalp and tangled with my hair. "Just...you _can_ talk to me," he whispered as he pressed his cheek against the side of my face. "About anything. 'Kay? So stop being an idiot."

I blinked, staring through the blur, as he released me and walked over to where Jamie was waiting by India. She touched his arm and said something to him, and he nodded, giving her a smile before moving around the car to get in.

The confinement was failing; I was breaking.

There was no way I could have told him how hard it was to _not_ ask him to stay. But, really, as the car pulled out of the car park, and crept out on the street, I wished I could have just gone _with him_ instead. _What if I had chosen differently – it could have been me-_

_-could have, but you made your bed, now you lie in it._

I clamped my hand over my mouth as my stomach twisted painfully, and fumbled for the door, throwing my bag onto the passenger seat before getting in. As soon as I was safely locked in, I took a few deep gulps of air, as if it would stop me from coming apart. _I can't do it. I can't do this, I can't be like this...how? Why didn't I see? How did we end up like this? Where did it all go wrong? What could I have done differently? Why isn't it enough?_

"_Why the hell isn't it working?"_ I cried.

_Because sometimes it just doesn't._

My entire body was shaking, and the tears wouldn't have been held back even if I'd tried. I dropped my face into my hands, able to feel some small sense of gratitude for my hair shielding me off from prying eyes as I sat there, bawling my eyes out . . .

**o~*iii*~o**

The house was dark when I came through the door, but I could see the flickering of the TV. Emmett was fast asleep on the sofa, face down, with his mouth half open, and a damp spot was forming on the pillow under his head. I stifled back a giggle. Carefully, I tiptoed into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. My head was aching, my throat was raw and my eyes felt like I'd been stuck in a sandstorm. I couldn't remember a time when I'd cried so much. But I felt incredibly light now, and was in a surprisingly good mood, all things considered.

As I made my way down the hallway, toward the laundry, I noticed that Edward's door stood slightly ajar. I took a step closer, tilting my head as voices drifted up the stairs.

"_You haven't done anything wrong, Edward. You haven't cheated, or lied to her, or lead Lauren on from what you're telling me, but you haven't been totally honest either. You need to talk to her. Tell her what you feel." _A pause followed.

"_Also, the way you are dancing around these issues isn't right, it isn't fair to either of you," _Rosalie continued evenly. _"You're both trying too hard to fix it, when, really, neither of you are stopping to face what's really going on. And tonight is a perfect example of what you have to look forward to, if you don't do something about it."_

There was a brief silence, and I wondered if it was right of me to eavesdrop, though somehow I couldn't find it in me to tear myself away.

"_You know I love her, Rose,"_ Edward finally said, sounding exhausted.

"_Of course you do, and she loves you, too." _There was movement, and I shrunk back, until I realized someone had only dragged something across the floor. _Relax,_ I told myself sternly, trying to slow my heart down.

"_But sometimes, Edward – sometimes it just isn't enough. And, I think, what you threw in her face tonight...part of you wants it to be true, so you won't feel so bad – if she's in love with him, then she won't see that you're not as madly in love with her anymore...maybe?" _It went quiet, the silence deafening, and I waited for Edward's answer while my heart beat unevenly. Then Rosalie let out a frustrated sigh. _"Seriously, Edward. I can see it in your face – and you accuse Jacob of self-denial? And don't give me that 'I'm a man, it's my duty' crap. It doesn't really fly in this day and age; it didn't back then, either, I'll have you know...Are you really such a chauvinistic pig?"_

"_I'm a man of my word, Rose," _he corrected matter-of-factly, ignoring her jab._ "And I may not remember all things, but I _do_ remember promising I wouldn't leave her again, and we _aremarried-_"_

What? Again? He had left me before? As I thought hard on it, I remembered that Jacob had accused Edward of leaving me once, too. For the life of me, I couldn't find the memory.

I started moving down the stairs.

"I'm not telling you to leave her, Edward! But I _am_ telling you to face your problems...to talk about them...sort it out." A snort. "I'm not Ali-" Rosalie stopped as I came down the bottom step.

"You left me?" I asked without prejudice, looking directly at Edward, who was sitting on his piano bench, twisting an empty glass between his palms. At my question, he stopped, then slowly looked up at me in what could only be explained as pure shock.

"You don't remember." It wasn't a question, it was a verbal recognition of facts, but I nodded all the same, and glanced at Rosalie's apologetic face.

"I'll give you two some privacy – are you okay, though, babe?" When I gave her a reassuring smile she told us good night and started up the stairs.

I felt Edward's eyes on me as I moved around the room. Though I was in a much better place emotionally, than I had been, I could still feel the hurt and the anger from earlier. Having admitted as much, I felt no animosity however. Rosalie had told him some things that had made my own mind start turning in an entirely different direction, to make me think about things I'd never even dared to consider.

Edward came to stand next to me, as I studied the endless rows of music: CD's, DVD's, BlueRay's, ZemaDisks – the latest multimedia storage units. There were even ancient cassettes and LP's in his collection.

His hand grazed my back then, and I turned to him.

"Can you forgive me, Bella?" The words came out low and fast, and his green eyes, full of remorse, pleaded with me. I let out a heavy sigh, then reached up to circle his neck, resting my head against the side of his face, as I hugged him tightly.

"Yes, Edward, I forgive you...of course, I do." My heart ached as, hesitantly, his arms came around me to hold me against him. A few minutes passed as we stood there, during which a heavy weight settled in my stomach as my convictions became stronger. My head, on the other hand, was clear when I released Edward's neck, and stepped back to sweep my hair behind my ears.

"Edw-"

"Bella," he said at the same time, then flashed me a sheepish grin. "Go on," he urged, appearing nervous, and I shook my head, a grin spreading.

"No, you go first," I said, then slipped over to the piano bench. It was a good place to sit for the conversation I felt we were about to have. Any place, really, that allowed me to stay grounded. As certain as I was about what I wanted – and didn't want – saying it out loud was a daunting prospect.

As Edward sat down next to me, he took my hand in his, and I swallowed. _This is really happening, isn't it? I don't think I c – yes you can. Just breathe._ _No more hiding. No more pretending._ This was it, and as good as we had become at covering up the truth with unsuccessful ignorance, putting a band aid on the issues just wasn't cutting it anymore.

"I suppose you overheard Rosalie and I talking," he began, and I felt my cheeks prickle as the blush crept into my face, making his mouth curve in response. "I'm not mad, Bella, I – perhaps it was just as well. I'm not sure I would have found the courage to talk about this otherwise." His eyes sought mine.

"Yes." I nodded. "I heard." My entire midsection was stinging in a discomforting way, when his fingers stopped over the ring he had given me. Again, another memory I no longer had. What kind of a wife doesn't remember the day her husband proposed? I _did_ remember walking down the aisle, and the vows...sort of. 'I do' rang in my head, loud and clear, and nausea settled in my stomach.

How do you tell someone it's over? That, regardless of how much you love the person, this is as far as you can go? What more, how do you explain going back on a word you've given, that you can't fully remember the reasoning behind? All the good lines I'd prepped for, while aimlessly scanning his music, flew out the window as I watched my uncertainty reflect in Edward's eyes. The assertiveness I was so used to seeing on his face was all but gone, and as much as he'd hurt me tonight, I couldn't ignore the little voice that told me _he's probably just as scared as you are._

"This certainly isn't easy," he said quietly and withdrew a hand from mine, to pull through the tousled mess of his hair, seemingly at a loss.

"No...it's not," I breathed in agreement. "But...it's – we can't keep going like this, Edward. We do need to talk about it...right?" I searched his face, and he closed his eyes and gave a small nod.

"Yes. We do." His head turned from side to side as he shook it slowly. "I just-" He sighed, frustrated. "-don't know where to start, or what to say."

I chewed my lip, wishing I could tell him something that made sense, something that would help. "Not that it's any consolation, but...I don't have a damn clue, either," I said instead, and he shook his head more, but his mouth twitched with humor.

"No, you are correct, that doesn't help." But he was looking at me now, appearing a fraction less tense.

"Maybe," I hedged. "Maybe..." I puffed out a breath. "I think...really, that there should be handbooks for these things-" I cut off, frowning. _Handbooks for breaking up with someone? Yes. How profound. Maybe you should just keep your mouth shut and let him do the talking. _"Um-" My mouth opened, then closed again, and I hitched a shoulder, settling for a who-knows? type grin.

"All right," he said, straightening. "Jokes aside..." He trailed off and dropped his forehead into his palm, and began to shake his head again.

"Too young," I blurted, then took a leap of total cluelessness. "We were too young-"

"Too inexperienced, perhaps?" he quickly jumped in to suggest, and I nodded eagerly.

"_Yes_. And the _idea_ of us was nice...so _very_ nice," I added, my eyes now intent on his. "High school sweethearts," I continued, feeling myself slowly connect with the ground.

"To stand the test of time," he hurried to fill in, then he shook his head. "No, to conquer it," he amended. "To prove that _love_ can conquer it-"

"-and that _true love_ will last forever...and ever," I said as a wave of sadness hit me, and my voice dropped to a whisper. "But-" I paused, looking back to Edward's suddenly wistful expression. "-was it really true?" My already tender eyes stung. "Did we really give it an honest chance to prove if it were true or not?"

"Oh, Bella." Edward's stroked the back of his fingers across my cheek. "I don't know – I just don't know," he said softly. "But...I _do_ know that I love you-"

"And I love you, too," I replied quickly before my throat closed off my ability to talk. "I do, Edward, I _do_-"

"I know, Bella...and-" He paused briefly to pick a few strands of hair out of my face to tuck it behind my ear. "-I also know that I want you to be happy. Not only in yourself, but with your _life_, too. And _I_ want to be happy with mine." Suddenly that confidence was back in his eyes, and he spoke with such conviction that all I could do was nod, agreeing with him wholeheartedly.

"And...right now, we aren't, are we?"

Edward shook his head sadly. "No, we're not."

"But...we deserve to be." Tears welled up, and I blinked against them stubbornly. "We deserve to figure out what's best for us."

"Yes, Bella, and what's best is _very rarely_ the easiest." A sorrowful expression came over him, and his eyes roamed my face, as if to find an answer to the unspoken question I felt hanging between us. "The hardest part is that I promised you forever, Bella – I promised you, and I vowed to never leave you-"

"Edward," I said brokenly, losing the fight against tears that were insistent on falling and falling. "I know you did, and-" The words stuck in my throat. "-you...you meant it, I know you did, and so did I, but – that was then, and this...well, this is now. And it isn't fair...I – I don't know what happened; what went wrong?"

He looked so _sad, _but he took both my hands in his, and stared down at them through his own tears. "I don't know that anything went wrong, Bella...but – perhaps, sometimes, it really just" – his shoulders rose and fell hopelessly – "is not enough?" And he looked up at me, the emotion in his eyes unfathomable, and stealing the breath from my lungs. "Maybe that is all we can settle for...for now?"

My heart was breaking all over again, and I scooted closer. "No." I shook my head determinately. "Not all," I whispered. "Just because we can't be happy together doesn't mean we can't be happy at all...right?" I swallowed against the obstruction in my throat. "Just because it wasn't enough doesn't mean we didn't do the best we knew how...because we did. I _know_ we did...and...that's all we can ever really do, isn't it?"

"Yes," he agreed after a moments silence, and he gave me that heartbreaking crooked smile of his. "Yes. You are right." And before I knew it, he had me crushed against him, his lips moving against my hair. "You _are_ quite a woman, Bella."

I meant to scoff but it came out all wrong. "Apart from the whole disagreement with gravity, you mean?"

"You'll get there," he said softly as his arms tightened around me.

"Yes. Repeatedly, as a matter of fact. That's the thing with gravity, isn't it?"

Edward groaned at my bad joke. "I didn't mean it quite so literally, Bella."

A small smile crept onto my lips, and I wiped at my face. "I know." I picked at a loose thread on one of his shirt buttons, then tilted my head toward him. "What are you thinking?"

"About you, actually," he confessed, absentmindedly twirling a lock of my hair. "Which, admittedly, I do quite a lot..." His hand stilled, then he pulled back and I straightened. "Bella," he began hesitantly. "This..._thing_ keeps playing on my mind and, frankly, I can't-" Again his hand was buried in his hair while he seemed to search for a way to express himself. He let out a frustrated noise then turned his eyes on mine. "I haven't the faintest idea on how to say it, so I am just going to go with it...

"Now...when I look at you, I see what a truly amazing person you are, Bella...and...it really is no wonder that I fell in love with you – I have no doubt that I _did..._and I have tried _so hard_ to remember, but...the more I tried, and the memories they...they just would _not_ _come_, well...the more frustrated I got.

"And the more frustrated I got, the more blocked I felt. I can't for the _life_ of me think why I would _not_ be in love with you, and that-" He broke off, sighing heavily. "-well, that in itself is just as damn frustrating, because that doesn't necessarily mean that I _would be_, either.

"It bothers me, and it makes me angry, because-" And his hands reached up to frame my face. I blinked, not able to see him at all through the blur. "-_believe me_, Bella...I _want to. _I want to so _badly, _and I – I think I just took that out on you, and for that I am so very, very sorry."

I sucked in a ragged breath. "_Oh, Edward._" My cracked whisper barely carried to be heard. "_I understand, I really do, I...I feel exactly the same-_" Sobs broke free from my throat and I threw my arms around him, clutching at him with all that I had. "_I'm sorry, too,_" I blubbered into his neck. "_I love you I love you and I'm sorry I'm so sorry._"

"I love you, too, I _truly do_."

_It wasn't fair it wasn't fair it just wasn't fair._

"I don't want to lose you completely," I cried.

"Oh, you won't, you won't, I promise, Bella. I wouldn't want to lose you completely, either."

Edward seemed to hold on just as tightly as I did, we _both_ had held on with all that we had, and in the end, as much as I couldn't regret any of it, we had held on _far_ too hard.

The weight in my stomach was no longer heavy, but instead all of me hurt. I combed my fingers through Edward's hair as his muffled apologies and _I love you I love you_'s mixed with his tears and soaked into my skin, burning me. All the while his hands clutched at my back, and I wondered how much was possible for one person to withstand.

As we sat there, holding on, still, with the little we had left, the pain settled into a dull ache, making my limbs feel heavy, and when our tears had ebbed out, I laid my cheek against his.

"I love you, Edward," I said in a hoarse whisper. "But... this is... Is it... It's really... _over_?" I squeezed my eyes closed, my chest feeling awfully tight.

"_Yes_."

**o~*iii*~o**


	16. Overboard

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_When the deal that you made with love is just a one way street, and you feel you'll go overboard 'cause you're incomplete. Have a little more of not enough, more of what is less but isn't love. Little of the same you're dreaming of. That's enough. _**/ **_Poets of the Fall_

* * *

**Overboard**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**June 2105**_

Apart from the soft tapping of Jamie's hand against her leg matching the low beat from the radio, and the protests on repeat in my brain, deadly silence wrapped around us.

It wasn't a consented gesture, but I kept glancing in the rear view mirror, my chest tight with discomfort.

_Go back._ _Turn around. She needs you._

Hardly. She had told me to go. The message had been pretty damn clear in regards to her wants and needs, and I was not a part of that equation. Not in any way, shape or form.

_You are. Turn the car around. _

_Shut up._

What _really_ pissed me off was her _husband_. I wanted to take his priorities, shove them down his throat, and watch him choke to death. Though it didn't stop the want to rip and tear when I laid eyes on him, I doubt Bella would've appreciated me turning him into a human Enchilada. The self righteous little weasel, with his cultured bullshit, could use a fucking thorough reality check. But. It wasn't really my place to stick my nose in, so he was right about that. In a way.

_No. It is your business. Turn around. _

_You are seriously starting to piss me off, too. Shut up._

I kept repeating it to myself, that it wasn't my business, even if – _yeah, okay... partially... are you happy now?_ – it was. Even if a delusional part of me had chanted, over and over, _ignore her, stay anyway, she needs you._

Bella's turbulent emotions had told me she was one beat away from her breaking point, and when she wouldn't let me comfort her, I wanted so badly to pick her up and shake the stupid out of her. But as much as I wanted to be there – _yeah, I wanted to, okay? But shit, you're supposed to give me insight, what the fuck, buddy?_ – I also knew her so damn well; she wanted to deal with it herself. _Stupid stubborn woman._

_Go back go back go back._

_Shut. The fuck. Up._

"Jake – are you okay?" Jamie's concern broke me out of my inner spat, and I noticed that not only was I trying to kill the steering wheel by strangulation, but all of me trembled.

"I want to go back – she needs me," I replied instantly. _Thought I told you to shut up, what the hell?_

"Bella?" she asked, justifiably confused.

I gritted my teeth, but confirmed with a reluctant nod and, "Yeah."

"Aw, Jake." Jamie put her hand on mine, rubbing soothing circles with her thumb. "I'm sure she's okay. Emmett and Rosalie are there – they're gonna stay the weekend... and... she asked you to go, yeah? She'll be okay... And uh... she'd ask you to stay if she needed you, wouldn't she?"

A humorless noise sounded in the back of my throat. "Doubt it." Bella asking me to stay? Yeah. No. How many times had she asked me to stay? Not many; I bet I could count them on one hand. But telling me to go, on the other hand – how fucking often had I been told to go? – to leave? – that it wasn't my business or up to me? She fucking _always_ pushed me away, didn't she?

We'd just passed the last set of lights, and we were well on our way out of Anchorage when I made a sharp one-eighty turn, making India fishtail and whine before I slammed on the brakes, bringing us to a full stop just on the shoulder.

"What the _fuck _was that?" Jamie's eyes were the size of saucers as she stared at me. I didn't tremble anymore. Each pulse of fury suddenly shooting up my spine literally _shook_ me, and I directed Jamie's question at the mental case in my head. _She needs you,_ was all I got back. _Fucking seriously? I could've rolled the goddamn car, you fucking maniac! _

"Holy shit – Jake? What's happening?" Jamie was on her knees, leaning across the center console, rubbing my arms and shoulders _– everywhere_ she could reach – while I tried to calm the fuck _down_. "_Gosh_, you need to, like – shit – easy, take it easy... Calm down, Jake. What's wrong? What can I do?"

I fumbled for the key to kill the engine before the lunatic could push the accelerator for me. But Jamie beat me to it, and she grabbed my face in an attempt to make me look at her.

"Come on, Jake, look at me... _Look at me._" The request turned into a urgent demand, but instead I squeezed my eyes shut to focus on keeping myself together. I just realized how damn peaceful my life was lately – current affairs and imprint-hocus-pocus excluded, _of-fucking-course_. The anger had hit me like an anvil, and my entire body thrummed with anticipation as the blood rushed through my veins, the hot haze lapping at me.

"_Stay_... _back_," I managed to choke out. I'd have to explain later. Right now she needed to back off. I could feel all the muscles in my body bunching up; it was not _one damn bit_ pleasant, and for the first time since the distant memory of my first phase, I was absolutely fucking petrified. "Jamie_... back... up._" _Fuck off you piece of shit, there's a fucking human being in the car with me! _One that was determined to ignore my warnings and my shaking body.

"Shit, Jake, shit... uh... don't freak out," she said in a rushed warning. "Just-" One knee suddenly wedged between my legs, and I jerked back as the thigh of her other leg pressed up against my side, but she hooked her arms firmly around my neck. "I read this article a while ago," she started. "Pretty good read surprisingly, coming from a floozy-mag – that's what I call those girly ones, like Cosmo and shit." Then she hugged me with astonishing force, shaping her entire body along mine. "Anyway. So it said – and I kid you not – the best treatment against anger is body contact. Not like this-" She let go to stroke her hand down my back. "-but complete, like, full on head to toe, right? Obviously, this whore-mag said the best bet was skin on skin, but-" She laughed once. "-I'm not gonna suggest that – fuck – I'd probably burn myself, wouldn't I?"

A tremor rocked through me, but the the boiling in my veins was already slowing to a simmer. With care, I lifted my trembling hands to Jamie's arms, "You have _no idea_... what you just – you should have listened to me, Jamie," I told her in a strained, serious voice.

She pulled her head back to look at me, and then flinched when she banged her head.

"Oh fuck." One arm released me to dive behind her head. "Damn visor." Then she burst into giggles and collapsed onto the wheel, only to jump straight back up, half turning to look, as the horn gave out a blaring honk; even I twitched at the sound.

"Fucking hell, Jamie," I managed in a cracked laugh, the tension rolling off me in waves.

She smacked her forehead- "Go me." -and rolled her eyes, but the smile was wide and excited. "It frickin' worked, didn't it?"

I stared at her. This was so fucked up. "Cosmo, huh?" I quirked a brow in an attempt to mask my shock over what had just happened with playfulness, and her mouth shifted into a lopsided grimace.

"Well... actually, I was bullshitting through my teeth, but, uh, yeah... they're still whore-mags. Did you know they annually make a revolting fortune, telling girls – as an example – ten ways to give a good blowjob? It's such a trip... ridiculous though, really."

"Really? And did you learn any-" I cut off with a humorous sound and caught the hand she was going to smack my head with.

"Hell no..." A wicked expression came over her, and my stomach dropped when she, in a low and suggestive tone, said, "You can't learn what you already know." She giggle-snorted at my dumb expression.

_Jamie wants you. _

_What?_

I wasn't stupid or ignorant, but I hadn't been paying attention. Now though, I was fully alert, and when _Jamie wants you,_ repeated in my head, I studied Jamie's face.

_Don't go there._

_Seriously? I go where I want, do what I fucking want, don't piss me off again._

Before I could think about what I was doing_,_ I grabbed Jamie's legs and yanked her down on me, a surprised huff rushing past her lips before I covered them with mine.

_Wrong. It's wrong. All wrong._

_Screw you. If I want to kiss a girl, I fucking do so._ And Jamie was all too happy to encourage the rebel in me.

_You don't. You want Bella. Not Jamie. Not this. Not her._

_Fuck off. I decide. I'm controlling this. Me._

Her tee followed as my hands roamed up her back, clutching her closer until my fingers curled around her shoulders. Then she paused, and pulled her mouth free of mine. I groaned when the fuckwit in my head rejoiced.

"_Wait wait wait_ – are you sure?" She shuddered against me when I latched onto her neck instead, then mumbled against her soft skin,

"I want her."

_What the fuck, buddy? _

"Huh?"

"You – I want _you_." My heart thudded unevenly, pissing me off, so I grabbed Jamie's hips and pushed her down against my growing erection, making a low moan vibrate in the back of her throat.

_Not her. Not right. All wrong._

Jamie's breaths came out in erratic patterns, matching my frustrated ones, as I dragged my teeth down her throat to end with a nip at the base."_Feel that?_" I whispered, clutching her closer for emphasis.

"Uh huh," she replied, but the one it was meant for merely snarled at me, and a stabbing sensation cut straight through my heart as I stroked the smooth skin of her back. I swallowed hard, but pressed open mouthed kisses in a trail to her ear, and then paused, the constriction in my chest making it hard to breath.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I sucked her lobe in between my lips, making her breath hitch and then, in a hoarse whisper, I forced out, "Do you want me?"

"Yeah, Jake – yes, I want you," she admitted breathlessly, and even if my eyes burned it didn't match the fire in my heart – _she wants me! Jamie fucking wants me. Not Bella. Let me have it, for fuck sake! _She raked her hands down my chest to slip them beneath my shirt. A shudder of discomfort ran through me from head to toe when her cool fingers explored my stomach. "Holy Joseph... Shit you're on fire."

In my chest, my heart pounded in protest against my ribs, and my fingers dug into her hips when she moved against me.

_Get the fuck out of my head, out of my body and out of my fucking life! Jesus fucking Christ. Why do you torture me with this shit? It's my goddamn life. Mine!_

The raw and primal essence that suddenly flooded my veins had nothing and everything to do with what I was doing, and before I could even deflect or fight against it, I pushed Jame firmly away from my body.

"Jake?" She blinked at me, but she didn't look nearly as hurt as she seemed concerned, and the pain that pierced my gut in response was pure shame.

_I hate you. I fucking hate you. You're ruining my fucking life._

"I'm sorry." My heart ached. "I can't... I can't do it—_fuck_, I'm sorry..."

There was part of me that, until now, had learned to live without Bella. Not just surviving, but actually freaking _living_. And that particular part, however small – _or fucking insignificant to you!_ – wanted to slip into Jamie's world and let the shit I couldn't do anything about fade into the background. She was _here_. I trusted her and she was _real,_ and she had been there for me more times than I could count. There was no second guessing, she didn't mess with my head. _But thanks for the regression. I needed that. I was just dying to be reminded of how fucking impossible it is to move on. Happy now?_

He was silent now. He'd gotten what he fucking wanted.

"Aw shit, Jake-" The rest got lost in the hard embrace I returned when she threw her arms around me, and I buried my face in her shoulder. I wished I could tell her, really fucking wished it, so I could explain – tell her it wasn't her, but all me – but it just wasn't possible.

Instead I tried in a broken voice to reveal at least part of the truth- "There's a lot of stuff you don't know about me, Jamie." -while tasting the salt as my lips moved against her moist skin. _Fuck. I was crying now?_ _Christ._

"Shh, Jake," she soothed. "I meant what I said... I'm the wind whenever you need it. Seriously. Sometimes you just gotta let it all out... Sort of like dumping trash, you know? Or it builds and builds, until there's a major ugly mess to clean up. Okay? Shh – it's all right."

It sure as shit was _not_ all right. Like a low life scumbag, I'd used her to try and prove a point when, really, I fucking _knew_ already. There was a reason why I didn't look at other women. And as the psychopath insisted, I wanted _Bella._ But, what _he_ didn't seem to get, was that she didn't want _me._ So much for fucking insight. Sometimes I wondered who the delusional one really was.

Jamie didn't hold it against me though; she wasn't even mad, which is what I would have expected. We'd already talked about it before, and I'd told her I could only be her friend, then I go and pull a number like this? I needed to get my shit together.

_I'm taking Jamie home now, and you—well, you just stay the fuck silent._

And he did, even if the heavy weight in my stomach told me that he wasn't happy about it. The silence in the car was worse than when we'd started the drive, too, adding guilt into the equation, even if Jamie had assured me, with both words and smiles, that it was all 'cool.' Although I believed her, it didn't erase what an idiot I'd been.

"Oh shit," Jamie said so quietly I bet it wasn't meant for my ears, but bless the super hearing, and I cocked an eyebrow while throwing her a quick glance. Then she continued, looking directly at me. "He was right, wasn't he? Jesus... and I thought he was just kicking her while she was down, but... he really was right."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I asked.

She shook her head and sighed. "I'm sorry...shit...I'm so dense – how did I not put it together sooner?" There was a short pause, then, "You love her, don't you? Bella, I mean," she added quickly when my brows pulled together in confusion, and instantly I stiffened.

"Did _he_ say that? Is that what the fuckup was all about tonight?" I didn't mean for it to lash out so sharply, but I was never in a good place to react in any other way in regards to the douche.

"Uh, no. He didn't say that... That part, I kind of, you know, figured out myself?" Jamie gave me gentle smile.

"Right." _So obvious even a normal girl can pick it up, _the voice said gleefully. _Which Bella never will be, 'cause she's too fucking dense, _I snapped back. To Jamie, I gave a stiff nod. "I suppose I do." Then exhaled in defeat. "Yeah – I love her." Just saying it out loud made warmth burst in my chest, and I didn't have the energy to bite back. I did love her. I always would. What was the point in trying to gloss it over?

_You don't want to. You love love love her. _

_Just . . . whatever. Freak._

"So, what did he say? I'm assuming you were talking about Edward."

"That she's in love with you," she said, but rushed on to add, "Like, first he was all 'Jamie, did you know Jacob thought Nessie was his soul mate?' then he went on to accuse Bella of being in love with you, and I was like... Jeez, dude, don't kick a dog while it's down, yeah? But... I guess he really wasn't."

The car slowed to a crawl as I turned to stare at Jamie, searching her expression in complete disbelief. "He" – I swallowed – "_what_?"

_You. She loves you she loves you she lo- _

_Shut the fuck up. _

There was no denying the hope that made my heart leap, no matter how much I tried to squash it.

"I know it's none of my business, really... but... when I thought about it, and how she reacted, like... Fuck, he shouldn't have outed her like that – it was a total jerk thing to do – but... it's like it hit her, you know? And then in the parking lot... I think, maybe, I don't know – she was trying to do the right thing... or something?"

_...I spoke those vows and promised to love him and to honor him until death do us part. I can't just walk away. I have to try..._

A strangled noise sounded in my throat as I anchored myself to the wheel. "Fucking_ stupid..._"

_What the hell, buddy? Why the fuck didn't you tell me? You're supposed to know these things. Seriously, what the fuck?_

_I try. All the time. Not my fault you refuse to listen. Dickhead. I even turned the car for you, but this is why your soul mate is a dense tool, or you'd get bored if you had no one to butt your thick head against. Lost causes are irresistible, after all._

"Aw shit, Jake, I'm so sorry," Jamie said quietly. "I shouldn't have said that...fuck...I'm an idiot."

I groaned. "No, no... Christ, it's okay – you're fine... Don't worry about it. Actually-" Then I turned and gave her a wistful smile. "Look, it's..." How the hell did I explain something I, myself, didn't understand ninety-fucking-nine percent of the time? "...it's just too bad, right? Bella and I, we... we've been doing this shit forever." How goddamn true was that? "And I – well, I knew all along... it just hurts less if I don't think about it... I mean, she picked him, didn't she? And I gotta live with that."

It couldn't get much simpler than that, really. And it felt damn good to tell Jamie, to finally have her know what, sort of, went on in my screwed up head. Even if she would only see it as love gone messy.

Her hand covered mine. "Yeah. You are living with it, aren't you," she observed, and then a playful grin split her frown. "A bit dangerously... Throwing fucking doughies on the highway in the middle of the night... And shit like that."

"Gotta have some excitement," I agreed, smirking. _That's not a fucking invitation._

Jamie gave out a laugh. "Uh, yeah. Just give me fair warning next time, so I can leave my stomach at home – shit, I thought I was gonna hurl." The grimace made me chuckle, and once again I found myself so goddamn lucky I had her as my friend. And promised myself I'd let Leah beat me to death with a crowbar if I acted like a jerk again.

When we arrived in Hope it was after midnight, and Jamie gave me a tight hug good night, while struggling to talk as she kept getting interrupted by yawning.

"Pancakes at nine tomorrow morning," she reminded me and covered her mouth, yawning loudly, before turning to walk up the stairs to the apartment on top of Seaview Cafe.

"Night, Jamie," I called after her, then turned the car and drove it behind Wreck & Roll to my own garage.

There was a huge field, running all the way to the shore behind the repair shop, and my house bordered on that, as did my garage. It was an old, weathered Colonial, which Sam had helped me do up a bit, before he'd saved up enough money to buy his own house – he didn't take charity in any way, shape or form. He wanted to do it all himself, just like with his house, which was situated about a five to seven minute trek down along the shoreline; he spent all his spare time working on it.

Until it was finished he stayed at my place, which wasn't a problem for either of us, since neither brought girls home, at least not in _that_ sense. With two guys living in a house one would think the place was a mess, but between Jamie and Nessie, my house was always clean. Guess they thought Sam and I were helpless, but after several months of trying to tell them it wasn't needed, I gave up. If they wanted to come help clean, and it made them happy – whatever rocked their socks.

As I came in the door, I only had one thing on my mind though, and my cell was already displaying _calling Bella _when I slumped back on the sofa in my living room. It was too late, and I should wait, but I had to know she was okay. I almost gave up after the umpteenth ring, when finally she answered.

"_Jake..._"

My heart leaped... and broke.

"Bella, honey," I whispered, my own voice instantly thick with emotion. She sounded terrible, like she'd been in a chain-smoker's marathon. _I told you she needed you. I told you. _"Crap. Talk to me," I begged.

"This isn't a good time – I-I'm sorry, it's just... not a good time," she repeated tiredly, and I leaned forward to drop my head in my free hand.

"Seriously, Bells... you gotta stop this, stop pushing me away." I blew out a breath. "Unless you're just _that_ exhausted and I woke you, well, you better hang up on me, I guess. 'Cause I'm not going anywhere." I waited, my heart beating its way into my throat, and then heard an unintelligible rasp of words. "What? Sorry, honey, I didn't hear you."

She cleared her throat and tried again. "It's... _over_." And then she burst into tears. My chest tightenened in response.

"Over," I echoed. "What do you...?" _It's over... Does she mean...? Yes, _that insightful part of me confirmed. I swallowed, and suddenly it felt like my lungs had collapsed. "When?" I heard myself ask in a weak voice, only just audible.

"_Tonight, _after... after I got home, I_... _It's_... over, Jake... _I don't know – I don't know what happened. What did I do _wrong?_"

"Shh, honey, you didn't do anything wrong-"

"I'm so sorry_,_" she hurried to interrupt."I can't... We shouldn't talk... I mean, we can't talk about this, it's... it's not right... I... I have to go_._" It was a struggle to catch what she was saying in between the sobs, but it was enough to set my stomach churning.

She'd been hurting, and I'd been fooling around, trying to – _fuck fuck fuck, what the hell?_

_Tried to tell you. _

"Don't go honey," I managed. "I'm sorry – shit, I'm so sorry you're hurting, I should have stayed with you, I shouldn't have walked away... I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's not your fault!" she cried. "_God,_ Jake... it's... it's not _your_ problem-"

"Like hell it isn't, Bella. I fucking_ love you_ and I want to be there for you, can't you get that?" _Fuck. Bad move. _Her crying got even worse, and I bit my knuckles before I said something else stupid.

"I... I love you _too_, Jake, but" – always a but. _Restore my heart, then snatch it away, just like you always do, honey..._ – "I can't help but think that maybe it's part of what caused this? How is me loving you right if it did? Please, try and understand-" I swallowed. _Yeah. I get it._ "I was married, Jake. _Married,_ and I was _constantly _thinking about someone else, and I don't know why or what that means, I just don't know..." More hurt and more fucking pain cut through me and _goddammit. __I'm an idiot. Such a freaking idiot. And you're just oblivious, Bella. _

But I couldn't say that.

"Bells. Honey, I don't know what to tell you about that," I confessed in defeat. I had no idea, and even though she hauled my heart across hot coals, I couldn't form words to tell her what I'd always been so sure of.

"Oh, Jake," she cried miserably. "What did I _do_? I loved you, and I walked_ away_... I walked away to work on my marriage and it was right... it _was _right... I _thought_ I was doing the right thing, but what _good_ did it all do in the end? What _difference_ did it make? It was all for _nothing_. I tried _so hard... Every damn day,_ and it wasn't good enough – I'm just not _good enough_..." The rest got lost in the middle of all the gulping and hiccuping, and _Christ_ I just wanted to take it all away.

"Shh. Don't talk stupid. You're more than good enough – you _are_... Please, don't say shit like that, honey. This isn't your fault – Christ... sometimes things happen, and you can turn yourself inside out to try and figure it out, but it won't work, no matter how much you blame yourself, or others. Trust me, honey, I know. With time and distance..." _What the fuck am I saying? _"...you'll figure it out."

And she started bawling all over again, making me want to jump in my car and go up there and hold her and dry her face, which I was sure was pretty snotty by now, knowing Bella.

"I have_ nothing,_" she sobbed."_No one._"

I nearly fell off the edge of sofa. "Bullshit!"

"_No!_" she wailed. "It's _not_ bullshit, Jacob. Edward's gone – _gone._ And Rose is having a _baby_... and... and... Nessie has Embry, and you... you have _Jamie_ and... Oh my _God, you're with Jamie now_... we shouldn't be – I shouldn't... I'm _so sorry –_ I gotta go."

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe. "_What?_" I choked out.

"I'm_ so sorry, _I shouldn't have_... God, I'm so sorry, _Jake."

"Jamie and I are... _just friends_, Bella, what...?" The guilt from earlier dragged my stomach into my feet. "_What_ makes you think that I...?" I was so fucking_ confused._

A deadly silence followed, and I looked to the ceiling for answers to this insanity.

"I'm gonna come up there and duct-tape your mouth shut," I finally vowed. "Before you say something else totally freaking insane."

"I..." It sounded like she was trying to talk, but only a wheezing sound came out.

"Honey?" No answer, just more raspy breaths. "C'mon, Bells... Dammit, I'm sorry, it's just – I can't believe how dense you are sometimes, okay? Which part of 'I'll always love you' don't you understand?"

"Edward said forever, too, Jake-" She sounded down right miserable.

"I'm not fucking Edward, Bella!"

"-and I said it, and... It doesn't last. Nothing lasts. Everybody says that, but they can't keep it... it's all... it just doesn't work like that."

"It does last, Bella," I tried in a softer tone. "Trust me, okay? It does, honey. And you'll always have me. I can't _not_ love you. I can't _not _be in your life. It wouldn't work." I sighed heavily. "You're not alone, Bells. Never as long as I'm around, okay?"

"I miss you," she said in a cracked whisper, and then rushed to add, "But I shouldn't. I shouldn't even have wanted – Jake, this isn't right. We can't talk about this... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but... I'm going to need... some space, okay?" Her voice cracked on the last words.

_If space is what you need, then why am I aching to have you in my arms? _Of course I didn't say that, either. But fuck, I wanted to, and I wanted to tell her how badly I hurt when she hurt, and why that was. _Why is it hurting so much now, and not before, huh? Wiseass and Mister Know-it-all. Got an answer?_

"Okay. Anything you need," he answered for me and I wanted to punch myself in the mouth.

_Will you fucking stop that?_

_She told you what she needed._

_Oh you're a goddamn loon – now I should take her word for it? Holy hell you're useless._

"Thanks, Jake." She sniffled, and I could see her wiping her nose on her sleeve. Could I love her any more than I already did? Was that even possible? And how could my heart feel so_ full_ and break _so hard_ at the same time? "I'll talk to you later, okay? I have to go."

I didn't even get a chance to say anything before the line went dead, and in the next beat my phone sailed across the room and shattered on impact with the wall.

_That was the last time you put words in my mouth. You fucking got me?_

The pain cut right down to my bones, and I was _so pissed_. It was all I could do to keep myself together, but I was _not_ going to let it have me. I was sick of this shit. The bastard was going to piss off, and if he wouldn't do it by my command, I'd quit phasing. Full stop. I'd had it. I was so fucking done with this bullshit.

"M'wha's goin' on?" Sam stood in the doorway, his ponytail off to one side, hair sticking up every-which-way, scratching his beard while giving me a drowsy look.

My breaths came and went, hard and fast, so I just pointed my finger toward where he'd come from.

"Th'hell?" Then his eyes focused, and his lids seemed to forget he was supposed to be sleeping as he looked around while moving forward. "Wha' happened?"

"Go back to bed," I snapped.

"Your phone," he said.

"Yeah," I acknowledged in a pant. "Fucked, ain't it? So what?"

Sam eyed me in suspicion. "Everythin' okay?"

"Yeah. I break phones for fun... Do I _look_ okay?"

"You look like shit, to be honest." He was waking up, and I was calming down, so I guess he could stay where he was without risking me tearing him up, since I didn't think I would lose it anymore. "When was the last time you phased," he asked then, and I thought about it for a moment.

"A few months," I replied, not remembering exactly.

Sam rubbed his face and sank down onto the edge of an armchair. "Think it's worse for imprinted," he said thoughtfully. "And you're alpha... Are you quitting?"

"What makes you say that, why's it worse for imprinted?" I ignored his other question for now, and lowered myself onto the sofa.

"You won't be able to protect your imprint... the wolf won't have that," he explained simply, then repeated. "Are you quitting, Jake?"

"It nearly rolled my car today, Sam – Jamie was with me. _I_ am not having _that_."

His brows pulled down into a frown. "Quitting the wolf won't remove the imprint, Jake. The bond is irreversible, just so you know."

"What?" I shot up, staring down at him, and he gestured for me to calm down.

"Damn, Jacob. Easy – sit down."

"The hell you mean, it's irreversible? Seriously, I can't take this shit."

"Too bad Embry thought we'd laugh at his theories," he mumbled as if to himself, and then focused his eyes on me. "Quil never fully lost his connection to Claire, even when he quit... and they weren't even together." I started to get up again. "Now now, wait a minute and hear me out, Jacob." He shook his head. "You're still a damn hothead."

"Not as bad as Paul was," I retorted, irritated. _And don't you be so freaking smug about it. I'm sick of you fucking with me._

"True, true. But as I was saying – you'll still have the connection, I don't doubt that. And I wouldn't recommend you having that as a motivation. You're damn good at control and discipline, Jacob, but you'd be doing it for the wrong reasons. You'd be setting yourself up to fail."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I muttered.

Sam gave me a tired smile. "That _is_ me being confident in you – you and your pride," he corrected. "It won't let you back down. You'll make life hell, not only for yourself but anyone around you."

"I'll fuck off. Go live in a hut like a hermit and talk to myself, I do it fucking often enough as it is-" I snapped my mouth shut when Sam started chuckling. "What?"

"Makes you a bit insane, doesn't it?" The humor in his eyes was a rare sight.

"You had schizophrenic tendencies, too, huh?"

"Why do you think I'm up here with you lunatics?" he stated as a mere fact more than a question. "And as a side note... The only way you'll lose the connection is if the imprint dies, but-" he patted my knee like he was my dad, and got up. "-let's hope not, eh?"

I flinched.

"How come you survived it," I called after him before he could disappear. I hadn't asked, out of respect, but I wanted to know. I was morbidly curious. Sam stopped in the doorway, and leaned his arm against the frame.

"Well, Jacob-" And he turned half to look at me, his face weary. "When you've held your first kid, come back and ask... if you still think you need to."

"Sorry, man."

One corner lifted in a sad smile. "I'm not." And with that he walked back to his room.

Kids. Yeah, right. If I nearly gave myself massive heart failure just by kissing and touching Jamie, how the fuck was I _ever_ going to get _that_ part of my anatomy near a woman? Let alone inside . . .

Unbidden, Bella popped into my head, and it was just the way to end the evening, being sucker punched by the fact – _yes, a goddamn fact, as far as I'm concerned, since she can barely fucking talk to me_ – that I'd never get to kiss her, let alone do anything else with her. That wasn't as bad as the image I'd always have to carry around, thanks to her fuckturd husband – _ex-husband, _a voice reminded. Yeah. No. I'd had enough for one day, without adding to it with _that_ thought.

Of course, when I went to bed, and finally passed out after several hours of tossing and turning, I dreamed of babies. Beautiful kids with my hair and _her_ lips – which made the dream shift into something completely different. I was back in my car, but it wasn't Jamie there with me, not her under my hands, and it didn't hurt because this woman kept repeating _Jacob, Jacob, my Jacob. _

_Kill me now._

**o~*iii*~o**


	17. Heal My Wounds

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_I burn to make you understand. One wrong word and it all may come crashing down. For the fates are devious by heart. They envy you your dreams, so they'll let you drown. I'm done with questions, I have no answers, the choice is yours, 'cause the show is on... Right here and now... / Poets of the Fall_

* * *

**Heal My Wounds**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**July 2105**_

"What in the name of hell are you doing up there, girl – get down before you fall and break your backside!"

I threw a glance in the direction of Meg's voice, finding her staring upward in incredulous shock. Nessie was perched up on the wooden beams of the pergola we were building for Seaview Cafe's terrace.

Meg had been meaning to have one built for years, but she'd never gotten around to actually hiring a crew for it. Having a bunch of werewolves, and a half-vampire, moving into town was her lucky draw, I guess. Not that Meg knew Nessie wouldn't hurt herself, even if she fell down.

That this pergola building coincided with Embry's birthday party was for all of us to know, and him to find out.

Nessie flashed Meg a confident smile. "I have pro balance, Meg, don't worry yourself," she assured, making Meg snort, unconvinced.

"You're such a tiny thing, Nessie, do be careful." The tray she'd brought out with lemonade was swept up by Embry, at a surprised start by Meg, then she huffed. "For such big men, you sure poof out of thin air," she scolded, when he gave her a wicked grin.

"It's called skill," Embry boasted.

"Skill my ass; just a cheeky bugger like the rest of ya." Meg gave another huff, then disappeared back inside, leaving Embry chuckling.

"I love that woman – ow!" Rubbing his head, he turned grudgingly to Nessie, who appeared engrossed in painting. "Jeez."

I chuckled under my breath. "Someone's on the couch tonight."

"What was that?"

With a slight shake of my head, and a shrug, I corrected, "Hand me a drink, my throat's kinda dry." Then smirked when Embry grunted and thrust a glass into my waiting hand. "Thanks, Miss."

"Oh, you're askin' for it."

"Nah, you're not my type, Emb."

Nessie appeared next to us, grabbing the tray from Embry and pecking his cheek. "A grump is nobody's type." I flashed Embry a broad grin. "Neither are bullies," she added with a withering look, and I coughed, pulling my brows together in concentration as the task at hand suddenly became very interesting.

When Nessie was back up on the wooden beams with a glass, Embry leaned in. "You got so owned," he gloatingly whispered.

"Uh huh," I agreed, and hoisted a couple of the wooden planks over my shoulder, then started toward Sam and the circular saw, adding, "At least I'm not whipped." _That's a matter of opinion, though. _

Four weeks had passed since I found out Bella and Edward were through. In that time I'd not only noticed a major shift – imprinting was a whole different ballgame now – but also, Bella never called like she said she would. Not once. Nor did she answer any of my calls; she didn't answer _anyone_, though, so I couldn't be too put out by it. At least, not consciously.

We all knew she was okay – or as okay as she could be, considering the circumstances – but going for four weeks without hearing her voice, when I was so used to talking to her every other day, was tough. More difficult than before, since I knew she was in love with me – _it_ knew, and that just sucked on so many levels.

_You'll see her tomorrow . . ._

By nightfall, we finally had the pergola finished – all in all, it had taken us four days to build it – just in time, too, since Embry's surprise birthday bash was the next day. He and Nessie were going to Anchorage during the day to drag Bella down to Hope. For two weeks flat he'd threatened her via texts, and voicemail – even before that – that he'd go get her if she didn't break the silence. Nessie had held him back, but since this worked well as an excuse to get Embry away, so we could prepare for the party, she'd given the okay.

The guy was a big supporter of Bella, and I probably would've gone too, if it weren't for the fact that I didn't trust myself not to go off my head at her. As much as I loved her and her happiness ranked high on my list of priorities, I knew I'd be ripping into her about how she always pushed me away. Which I was so sick to death of. I was relatively sure it wouldn't be in her best interest to go off on a tirade about the shit slowly piling up on me . . .

**o~*iii*~o**

"I still don't get it," I breathed in frustration and snapped the oven shut. I dropped the pan on the counter with a loud clatter.

Sam looked up all of two seconds before returning to his drawings. "What's that?" he asked distractedly, his mind more focused on the restorations of his house than hearing my answer, which I gave anyway, laced with heavy disgust.

"_Imprinting_."

"Uh..." He finished some more scribbling then shoved the pencil behind his ear. "Yeah, what? Imprinting?" That goddamn knitted beanie he wore slipped to the side as he scratched beneath it.

"No, I'm talking about Teletubbies and wondering why they haven't been eradicated yet – _yes_, fucking imprinting, Sam. Jeez. You're off with the fairies."

Sam palmed at his beanie to correct it, then swung his arm over the chair as he glanced at me from the kitchen table. "I disagree with Embry; you weren't supposed to imprint – you're too proud, just like your dad. You know what's right, and what you should do about it, but out of sheer principle of-" He flung his hand in a _whatever-the-hell_ gesture. "-you dig your heels in, and refuse to budge. You're a donkey, Jacob. An ass."

"That makes us two. But for someone who shouldn't imprint, it's happened twice – _twice_, and the first time around I was hard pressed to be away from Nessie for more than a few hours without frothing at the fucking mouth. What the hell was that all about, huh?"

Sam opened his mouth-

"Don't talk, I'm not finished," I snapped, then took a deep breath. _You need to phase, or this tension is going to make you snap._

"Billy knew he'd die a painful death if he didn't go to the hospital, but, proud as he was, he let it have him, just like you're letting this have-"

"_Don't_ drag my dad into this," I interrupted sharply. "I just want a freaking answer to _why_ I was so glued to Nessie, and she was just a fucking child! Christ. Do you know how often I wanted to vomit after looking at myself in the mirror, but couldn't?" Again he opened his mouth to talk but I leveled him with a warning glare. "But then there's Bella...I'm _in love_ with the woman, for fuck sake, and I've only seen her a handful of times in eighteen months, but I'm functioning, and living and fuck – I'm _constantly_ holding myself at a distance. It makes _no goddamn sense_, Sam."

"Once upon a time there was an epic battle looming between the forces of good and evil..."

Sam and I turned to look at Embry who waltzed past me to pull a chair out and slump down at the table. I groaned and nearly yanked my hair out when I raked through it roughly.

"More stories?" Sam gave Embry an expectant look, like he was waiting for another one of his theories, which he always listened to with great enthusiasm.

Embry gave one half-shake, then eyed me. "You really can't figure it out?"

"Nope," I simply stated, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. "I can't. Yeah, I'm dense, but...jeez. And with Quil? Why the hell did he imprint on Claire?" I paused. "No purpose – they didn't even go on a date, not _one date together – _not that that wouldn't have been _fucking sick_...think about it," I prompted, then assumed a girly voice. "So, Claire, when did you decide Quil was _the one_?" Then changed the pitch a little. "Oh, I don't know, maybe the first time he talcum-powdered my ass? Or when we played with my Barbie dolls – no wait, _I have it!_ The first time my period started, I freaked out, like, really bad, you know? And since he was always so _sweet_ and _there _for me, like_ all the time,_ he went and bought tampons for me so I wouldn't feel so embarrassed."

Embry choked back a laugh, then cleared his throat. "Yeah, you're good with the sarcasm, Jake, I'll give you that."

"Thank you," I squeaked bashfully and batted my lashes at him, before snorting in disgust, which made him turn to Sam.

"Is he always this" – with his finger, he stirred the air in a circle at his temple – "crazed?"

"The kid's goin' through a rough time," Sam allowed in sympathy.

"I'm right here," I reminded them, and folded my arms. "But yeah, I _am_. I'm over one hundred years old, and I'm protecting my freaking virtue more passionately than a nun. But that's not all – I do it for someone who can't even tell me she wants me, let alone _do_ anything about it. So, as it stands – which it frequently fucking does – my dick's gonna shrivel and die before _I _do."

Sam's mouth twitched, and Embry cocked a brow. "Is this about imprinting or getting laid?"

"They're both linked in my case, Emb, so don't be a smartass." It wasn't a secret with these guys about my lack of experience, so there was no point in hiding the obvious. And, yeah, I was sexually frustrated, but that wasn't really because of a hundred something years of celibacy; I'd done fine up until a few days ago.

Things had shifted; I knew it, the wolf knew it, and with that came wants and needs that couldn't be met. Again. It just plain sucked, but I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Not that it was about scratching an itch, though that's probably what I'd just made it sound like.

"Jesus Christ," I said with a heavy sigh and sat down at the table with them, having lost interest in the pizza I'd just heated.

Embry was watching me. "Do you remember how hard it was for Quil before he phased?"

I nodded, not sure what it had to do with anything. "Yeah?"

"And when he finally phased, he was just so damn happy we could hang out again, he didn't even mind the supernatural aspect of it all." Embry stretched his legs and settled in, as if he were about to enter into one of his storytelling sessions after all. Sam leaned forward in response, all alert and full of interest. "Neither did I, but – anyway. Quil was a cocky little shit even before the fever hit the rez."

And we all agreed on that.

"I've already told you that imprinting isn't about chaining you to someone, Jake," Embry continued. _Fucking feels like it, _but of course I didn't say that. "And that it's about insight, right?" He didn't wait for confirmation. "Quil didn't imprint on Claire for _her_ sake. He wasn't taking things serious enough, and _he_ needed to be pulled into line. I guess you could say the worst thing that could happen to a guy like Quil would be to have to hang around a toddler all day, but it taught him some goddamn humility, and stopped him from taking stupid risks."

Sam and I stared at him like owls.

"That's not all, though – you know, it's not a coincidence that Emily and Leah are related, and you might not want to hear this Sam, but – remember how Leah had those emo moments about being a genetic dead end?"

"If we could keep Leah out of this discussion, that would be appreciated, Embry," Sam said with a fairly level tone, although the undercurrent spoke volumes more.

"I've already told Leah about it," Embry informed him, then waited for Sam's reaction. We both did.

_This should be interesting._

"If you think it's relevant, go ahead," he finally answered, his face stoic.

"After all these years with Bella, and the genetic studies we went through to clone that blood, I can say, with almost absolute certainty, that, while imprinting _is_ about matching us up with our soul mates, there's also a biological side to it. The soul could be compared to DNA, really, so...having said that – Leah was a pretty perfect match for you, but wolves don't imprint on other wolves, so she deflected it. Emily caught it simply on terms of genetics."

Sam had stilled during the speech, but now his face looked thunderous. "Embry-"

"Wait, Sam. I'm not done...I'm not saying here that you were cheated, neither of you were. But, come on, we can't hurt our true mates, Sam, you know that – you _know _how torn up about it you were, and how you questioned yourself about it; we were all there, we all heard and saw, so you know I'm right."

Ice trickled down my spine.

"Leah carried the gene, and there wasn't a damn thing you could have done differently, but you fell in love with Emily, Sam, which made it just as true – yeah, Jake," Embry replied to my silent question. "I'm getting to that."

_That must've made Leah happy. Not. _

"He's right – I only felt compelled to be close to Emily, at first, I couldn't stay away, and I didn't understand why or how... I told her what'd happened, and I tried to keep as far from her as I could, but then we had that argument and-" He stopped talking; I could tell it was just as raw now as if it had happened yesterday.

"It's similar to what happened to you and Nessie." Embry leaned toward me, giving Sam space and rested his elbows on the table. "The intense bond you had wasn't only due to it being Bella's soul though, but Nessie was just a little kid, no matter how you look at it. A helpless kid, stuck in the middle of a clusterfuck – the pack was gonna come after her, the Volturi assholes were a threat...and her mom was a newborn. With or without her freakish control, she was a threat, too, so the wolf was sick with worry at any time you were away, in case she wasn't safe. That's all. Nothing more. Just as Quil was never destined to have babies with someone whose diaper he'd changed. Come on, Jake. Fucking use that brain of yours...you see what I see. I _know _it."

"Are you telling me that the strength of the initial bond I had with Emily was a default?" Sam's eyes were guarded, but I could tell he was seriously considering it. Fuck. _I_ was ready to bite: hook, line and sinker.

"Well, yeah," he confirmed. "Imprinting isn't a divine intervention, it's just a compass pointing you north, but it always flips and flops, it's never fully set." He swiped at his hair, which was growing out. "You had an intense connection with Emily 'cause you really just _fell in love_, Sam," Embry said to him with a lopsided smile. "Is that so hard to believe? And you-" He turned back to me. "You were sold on Bella before the wolf came along; he didn't stand a chance, but we've already been through that. So, again, you would never have done anything differently, and neither would the wolf. He's just...amplifying your obsession."

My eyes narrowed. "Speaking of amplifying...could that explain why something that was supposed to be rare, spread like wildfire – simply because impending doom loomed over our heads?"

"Yeah, Jake. That's my guess too, I'm still not sure, though."

Suddenly Sam busted out a hard laugh. "Only someone with the Black Proud-to-be-Stubborn-gene could match Paul's temper – I think I'm getting the hang of this."

Embry gave him a drumroll, then slapped the table so hard it jumped. "_That's_ what I'm talking about." A wide grin split his face, then he glanced at me. "If this tree-hugger" – he held his hand out, pointing at Sam – "can figure shit out, then you should be able to, as well."

"I was enrolled to go to college," he said glumly. "Are you insinuating I'm unintelligent?"

"You wear a fucking knitted table cloth on your head, Sam," I pointed out as the only reason needed. "Jeez."

On cue, he reached up and palmed at it protectively. "It keeps my head warm," he said in defense, then with a wry smile added, "And stops warmth from leaking out. One of these days you'll learn – when you have your own kids."

"Kids are not for me," Embry said with firm absolution.

They turned their eyes on me.

Silence.

I threw my hands up. "Aw, come _on._" If they were seriously looking at me, waiting for an answer, they were dumber than I thought. _Thanks to you, I'll have no kids to bury me, but centuries from now, a bunch of archeologists will dig up my fossilized corpse and do studies on my fucking dick. It will be the mystery of the ages, and they will wonder: 'How did it survive as long as it did?' More importantly: 'We need to find his family to send them a medal for his Herculean persistence – oops, wait, he didn't have one! Ha ha ha!'_

_Maybe another dream about her? _

_It doesn't fucking help!_

_A little happy-time?_

_What the fuck – happy-time? Jesus you need help. I need help. God-_

"Jake?"

"Huh – what?"

Embry had this sympathetic expression, then only said, "Sorry, man." But Sam was still looking at me, too damn closely.

"Jeez, Sam – got some insight for me?" _That doesn't involve touching myself, that is. Freak._

He nodded and got up, pulling the granny-beret off his head. "One thing tells you apart from the rest of us who imprinted, Jacob," he said almost softly, which made me raise a brow at him. "Look, kid, I know you're proud, and positively scared as hell, but-" And he dropped the beanie on top of my head, patting it down. "-it's about time you come clean, and tell your imprint – if you both love each other, sooner or later she's bound to start feeling things that she can't explain."

"Feeling things," I echoed, my throat closing a little.

"Oh, yeah," Embry said like he'd just remembered something. He had a dumb, almost apologetic expression, then looked at Sam as he stood. "He's all yours, I'm not going _there_ – I'm going to_ bed_...eh, maybe the couch. We'll see if Nessie forgives me for my unhealthy adoration for Meg."

"That's..." I shook my head, and Embry laughed as he slipped out the door. Sam was on his way toward his bedroom. "Sam?" I called after him, like he was a naughty kid – well, he was; he was trying to escape like one. "Feel what, exactly?" I persisted, hearing him pause with his hand on the doorhandle.

"I'd bet my new roof that whatever you're feeling lately, is not all you."

I swallowed. "Uh..." _What?_

_Yeah. Sucks even more now, doesn't it?_

Sam chuckled, and I heard him open the door and say good night, not loudly, but he knew I'd catch it with my sharp senses.

Later, in bed, with my hands clasped behind my head, I stared at the ceiling. Just stared. _Explain it to me, buddy, '_cause_ I can't... _I waited – waited, and tried to make sense of...what, I didn't know. Sam suggested what I felt wasn't all me, which meant some would be – _her_.

_She needs you._

I flinched, but didn't break focus on the water damage stains above me. Some lines of the puddle prints were sharper, others not so much. There were trails where moisture had gathered to form droplets at some point. I tried to visualize them fighting gravity, holding on to the material that bound them; keeping them from fully letting go, until they became too heavy and finally gave in to the pull.

_How does she need me?_

The warmth that startled my heart spread through and outward, possessing every single vein in my body and I closed my eyes.

_How, _I repeated. _Where do I end and she begin? _

I didn't have to wait for a direct answer. Instead I just knew; suddenly I was just aware. In some screwed up way, by the shift from friend to – no, I couldn't fucking _think _that. She didn't want me, no matter how much she needed me. _Stop putting crap in my head. She doesn't want me._

_She does._

Of course I had to feel it. That's why my blood flowed hot instead of just circulating.

_You're right. She does, but she's too blind to act. Too stubborn to-_

Heat pooled in my stomach and the air lodged in my throat on its way down as I blinked dumbly. Trying to get my body under control, I thought that this was above and beyond anything I could comprehend. I reached to anchor my hands beneath my pillow instead – as if that would help – and was almost afraid to close my eyes again.

My pounding heartbeat kept resounding in my ears, and I was _so hard_ it hurt, but I squeezed my lids shut anyway, and tried not to think about what Bella might be doing right now. This wasn't me..._couldn't_ be me. I hadn't even thought – _fuck. _I just wanted to be with her, have her in my arms, with me, and _goddammit, _I _needed_ to touch her so _badly. _

I'd reached down and came _hard_ before I even realized what I was doing.

_My heart wasn't enough, she had to control my body too?_

I had _just_ learned to accept that she wasn't mine, that she could never _be_ mine, and that she'd be with _him_. I was moving on with my life; I'd had peace and I'd been _somewhat _happy. But no, the dude with a magnifying glass got bored, and now he was jumping out and playing his sickest joke on me yet.

_Let her go, let her work on her marriage, that's what she asked. Remain somewhat in her life because she can't not have you, and you can't not have her, even if you really don't have her. Be her best friend as you always have been, that's what the imprint said. She needs you to let her go; she needs to figure this out on her own. _

_But wait_ – _sucked in!_ _It was all a joke. It was just one big fat lie. We just wanted to see if you could really move on with your life, and when we realized you could, we decided to pull the plug on this little drama. So there. Deal's off. You may proceed as you were, chasing after a girl who will always pick Tom, Dick and Harry in front of you, since anything else is worth the benefit of the doubt, but not you. Never you._

I couldn't take the hurt, it was _so fucking much, _and ended up crying my-fucking-self to sleep.

**o~*iii*~o**

Saturday arrived with clear skies, and the heat beating down was highly unusual for a late July summer's day in Alaska. As bright as the sun was, and with all the preparations well underway, it didn't lighten the mood much. I was uncharacteristically indifferent; not even Jamie's humor made me pull my head out of my ass.

It sort of felt like I was shutting down, preparing for whatever I'd get tossed my way as soon as Bella turned up. Or maybe it was just the calm before the storm. Either way, I sure as hell didn't feel right.

As always, though, I pitched in and helped wherever I could; arranging the tables and chairs, setting up the damn stage with Emmett and Leah – we'd become karaoke junkies.

Then there was the food. Loads of it.

Jamie spent the entire morning in the kitchen with Meg and Blondie, while Emmett and I frequently sneaked in to steal a bite here and a bite there. Though, when Blondie advised Meg to hit me with a frying pan, I steered clear; I knew if anyone was good for it, Meg was. She'd instantly wonder why it didn't do as much damage as desired.

Leah and Jamie were attaching the last of the rice lanterns to the pergola when I heard Nessie's car approaching, just outside of town. Leah and I exchanged a look, and she leaned toward Jamie. "Jacob will give me a hand with these. Go see if Meg needs some last minute help; I'll just fuck something up if I have to step into that kitchen again."

"Like I'll do any better," Jamie said, rolling her eyes, then to me, "Make sure she doesn't fuck _those_ up." And grabbed my shoulder for support to swing herself down.

We watched her disappearing through the doors, then I met Leah's stare.

"What now?"

She didn't even blink.

"Jeez, Leah, what?"

"The truth, Jacob," she said in a low and dangerous tone.

The truth? Oh. "That's none of your business."

"What are you trying to prove?"

I shrugged and fumbled with a lantern. "Not talking about it."

"That's your fucking problem," she exploded, and I blinked once, before composing myself. _Something crawled up her ass and died_, I thought, then stepped back.

"There – done. Pretty cool looking. I bet Ness got it from Alice – all these" – I waved my hand around – "going overboard tendencies." Deliberately, I turned my back to Leah whose expression was furious. She hated being ignored. "She sure as hell doesn't get it from Bella," I added with a quiet chuckle.

"Yeah, laugh it off. It's gonna blow up in your face, Jacob. Mark my fucking words." Leah grabbed the ladder and stalked off.

"Noted," I threw after her. All I got in return was a choked off sound of disgust.

**o~*iii*~o**

We'd all gathered on the terrace when the car came down the street, and even if I couldn't see Bella straight away, I felt her. It was impossible not to sense how each fiber in my body tingled with anticipation. This was going to be one hell of a night, and I groaned inwardly at the pure joy that emanated from my very bones. _Trust you to ruin the fucking moment._

_She's nervous._

_She she she – well _I _decide not to care. How you like them apples, huh?_

A fierce snarl echoed in my head and I chuckled darkly.

Embry was the first one out of the car, his eyes going from Nessie who came second, then back to us.

All in unison. "SURPRISE!"

"Jesus!" Embry exclaimed, a dumb grin stretching across his face. Nessie came around the car to sneak beneath his waiting arm, his eyes returning to her. "Dammit, woman, you're just all kinds of awesome." He locked her in the crook of his arm and silenced her excited laugh with a firm kiss.

Emmett whipped out a sharp whistle, then cut off with, "Bella button!" before jumping off the deck to pull a startled and _so beautiful and so fucking perfect – enough! –_ Bella in for a bear hug. "Damn, we've missed you, sis – don't you ever do that again!"

I felt myself shift in her direction, and locked myself down, growling quietly in my head, _don't even fucking _think_ about thinking about it_.

"That's right," Embry concurred. "And I'm not sure we'll be able to take you home after this, either – we'll all be smashed."

"Shit, yeah!" Jamie took a step toward Bella, as Emmett brought her reluctant form up the few steps. "It's really cool that you made it, Bella – here-" She thrust a beer bottle – _oh shit, _I hadn't told Jamie that Bella doesn't drink – into her hand.

"Thanks," Bella said, accepting it while adding, "It's nice to get out of the city."

"You'll need that to put up with this bunch," Jamie continued, then giggle-snorted at the scoff coming from Embry and Emmett simultaneously.

"You'll be on guard detail," Bella said, glancing at Embry. "Make sure I don't overdo it, okay?" Then, still tucked into Emmett's side, winked and held the bottle out to touch it to Jamie's. "Here's to Embry," she warned with a quirk of her brow, and tipped the bottle, taking a long swig. Her face screwed up and she shuddered. "Oh, _God_, that's awful!" she breathed. I was as helpless as the rest, and busted out laughing.

"'Atta girl!" Embry beamed at her, but she was looking right at me now.

"Hey," she said quietly. It was enough to kick my heart into gear, and my mouth twitched as I gave her a smile-

"Hey, Bella." -even if it was a bit strained, considering the massive effort it took to not walk on over to pull her into my arms. _I'll cross the Canadian border, run non-stop right through the country, and swim the fucking sea to Greenland if you so much as make me fucking breathe in her direction. _

Easier said than done, of course, since things were different now. _Again_. And they didn't get any better as Leah, always on my case, steered Bella to the chair next to mine and shoved her into it when it was time to eat. I spent more time debating with the wolf than I did talking with people. It was obvious I was losing it, but I just _didn't know_ what else to do.

_Tuck that stubborn lock out of her face._

_Nice try... No._

As the day went on, and the sun moved across the sky and began to dip when afternoon turned into evening, I kept myself moving. I continued to help with stuff, anything to keep busy and not be tempted to go sit down with Embry, Nessie and...the rest. They all knew something was up; I wasn't a freaking hostess, but I acted like one. Even Meg gave me a few quirky expressions and suspicious scrutinies.

Those rice lanterns, dotting the roof of the pergola, cast everything into a warm glow, and I found myself slacking off more and more with running around and catering. Finally, defeated and fucking exhausted, I went to pull out the only chair available, which, of course, was next to Bella, and sat down.

"Hey, man, where's your apron?" Embry's chuckle was cut off when Nessie elbowed him, but she quickly made up for it by rubbing soothing circles.

"Aw, poor baby, did I hurt you?"

He huffed. "Yeah, you better kiss it better." Then smirked when she rolled her eyes.

I ignored it.

Emmett was up on the stage, prepping for the sing-off we'd planned, and he waved his hand for Bella to come up; her eyes widened and she knocked it back with a firm shake of her head.

"I don't do karaoke so well," she laughingly called to him, but by the looks of things he wasn't going to back down, which made me remember that night at Al's Alaskan Inn.

"He's not gonna let you off the hook so easily," I told her, to which she tilted her head, then a playful expression crossed her face.

"How about _you_ go up there."

I laughed. "Don't even try – he asked _you_, I've got plenty of time."

"You should both go up and give it a whirl," Embry suggested, but I saw right through it. As much as I appreciated him looking out for us, I wasn't in the right place for pretending we were good old Jake and Bells. Maybe that ship had sailed a long long time ago.

"If you don't come up here, I'm coming to get you," Emmett threatened, and stepped off the stage.

Bella was adamant in refusing, and I didn't blame her; who knew what he'd make her sing. I don't think I wanted to find out, and I wasn't so sure I wanted Bella up there anyway, all nerves and chewing her lip. The emotional cocktail she put off just by _sitting_ there was enough to test my control.

"No, Emmett," she protested as he came toward her, the glint in his eye telling me he was up to no good. He grabbed her hand and tugged lightly making an embarrassed blush creep into her face – _she told you no, so don't push it – _as we all looked on. "No no no, I'm serious" – stifling back a laugh as he pulled her up to stand – "I'm tone deaf – I can't sing!"

"Come on, baby sis, just one song – _please._" Shit. He looked like a big puppy, which tickled my urge to laugh at his begging, while the other part wanted to remove his hands from her. _It's just Emmett, for fuck's sake_. "Bella button, c'mon! Just one – promise. Just the one."

Bella snorted a giggle through her nose. "Um..." She peered at me and the rest of us who sat at the table, while still tugging against Emmett, wanting to sit back down. "_Rose_ can sing with you," she blurted. "I can't – oh my _God – _what are you-" Bella laughed when he pulled her arm around his neck, then- "Emmett, no!" -the chortling cut off as she gulped air, and he scooped her up.

The need to take Bella from his arms hit me like a punch in the gut, as everything, from the hairs on my head to the soles of my feet, told me only _I_ could touch her like that.

_Holy Jesus...what's your problem?_

_Mine._

_Is not._

_Is too._

_If anything you're _hers, _just as _I_ am._

All _hers._

_Oh, yay, _I thought sarcastically.

"Put me down!" When her feet hit the stage, she tugged her tee down that had ridden up to expose a section of smooth, creamy skin – a flash of yearning cut through me, making my palms tingle and _you're pushing me over the fucking limit. _Bella shot Emmett a squint-eyed stare. While pulling my shit together, I watched her, half expecting she would poke her tongue out at him, too, but she didn't. Instead, she swept the hair out of her face as she leaned over the song selection folder. We'd rented a downright beast of a karaoke setup, so it should have one hell of a collection to choose from.

"I'm not kidding," Bella said, flicking through the pages. "I'm not doing this, Emmett. I'm not – I can't."

"You're such a wuss," Embry called to her, and this time she poked her tongue out, making him chuckle in response and warn, "Put it back or I'll make you blush even worse, Swan."

I choked on my drink. _Swan...that meant... _And suddenly everyone was watching me with mixed emotions and expressions on their faces.

"Jake, are you okay?" I heard Bella ask, then she was coming down the stage. After that everything happened so fast. True to form, she tripped over absolutely nothing, and instinct took over. Before I could think, 'hey, as far as they know, you're just human, right?' I'd knocked my chair over and caught Bella, and now we were locked in an intense stare; shock on her part and disbelief on mine.

"Um, Jake, you're trembling," she informed me, lowering her voice to a whisper. All I could do in acknowledgment was to nod, since I'd forgotten how to talk, floored by what I'd just done, and struck dumb by the jolt I'd received the moment I'd grabbed her arms. "I'm fine," she assured quietly. "I'm okay. I just had a bit to drink, is all."

_Give me my fucking hands back, asswolf._

_Mine._

_Hers, you dense piece of shit. Hers! And if she _was_ anyone's she's fucking _mine_. Got it?_

"You can let go. I'm not going to fall over standing still." She looked around, biting her lip, then her eyes came back to mine, and she whispered, "Come on, Jake – let go, okay?" Something in her voice made my hands drop instantly, and I straightened while shoving them into my pockets. _And fucking stay there._

"Right, uh... sorry."

"That was – shit, that was impressive," Jamie said in awe, and I noticed her standing in the open doorway to the actual cafe.

Leah stood up at the table, and with an arched brow agreed, "I'll fucking say." Then left, but not before giving me a pointed look, as if to say _get your fucking shit sorted and tell her already._

Bella gave me a strange look before turning back to the table, and when I reached out to stop her I wanted so _badly _to chain myself in my basement again. _You see this? This is a problem, and I'm so close to fucking off. _

But then she flinched away, ever so slightly from my touch, and that brought me up short. "Oh – yeah, I get it."

Her eyebrows knitted in confusion. "What?" she wondered, sounding so nonplussed that I had no idea what to say in return.

Instead I repeated, "What?" then, "No, you _know_ what-" but changed my mind, and all but snapped, "Never mind." I wasn't doing this, and especially not here, in front of witnesses, and...just not now. Not fucking now. All I could do was to turn and walk away. _And keep walking, goddammit._

"Jacob," she called after me, making me shake my head when I heard her footsteps behind me. _You've got to be kidding me. This isn't happening again. _

"Let it go, Bella." Oh my _God,_ I swear I ate carbon paper like it was going out of fucking fashion. Maybe if I just wrote it all down and tossed a manuscript at her, she wouldn't feel the need to keep making me repeat this. I knew how it ended; it was the story of my fucking life.

"Wait," she persisted, following me out on the jetty until I ran out of places to go, unless I planned on a late night swim, that is. _If push comes to shove, _I thought bitterly. "Jake, just wait a minute-" And I turned to her with a not-so-happy expression on my face. I winced when she stopped abruptly, her lip suffering again as she chewed on it before asking, "What's wrong? Did I do something?"

My brows shot up. "Did you – what?" I couldn't help snorting. "Give me a break, Bella... are you asking me that seriously?"

For a few seconds she deliberated; she really thought about it, and I could tell she was totally at a loss, and why wouldn't she be? This was all me, but somehow I couldn't find it in me to stop.

"I... um. I'm sorry? Jake, I don't know what I did..." Her words trailed off and she reached up to rub her arm self-consciously.

I just lost it. Completely lost it. "_Four weeks!_" I threw at her."_Four goddamn weeks_, Bella, and you come here and you _stand there_ and tell me you _don't know_ _what you did?_"

Her face fell instantly – _shut up, don't you fucking sympathize, don't you fucking dare make this about her, goddamn you! –_ as did her eyes which zeroed in on the ground at her feet. "Oh."

"Oh, she says – Jesus Christ." I half turned and fisted my hair with both hands, just staring upward.

_You're hurting her. Stop it._

_Oh boo-fucking-hoo. Shut it._

"You—I—_fuck_, Bella... You... What the hell?" And I turned back, the look on her face stabbing my gut, but also fueling the anger. "One message, or a quick call—_something!_ Was it too much to fucking ask? After one goddamn century and I'm not even worth a fucking piece of shit message? Was that wrong, too? Would it somehow smear the Goddamned sanctity of your broken marriage by typing out a few letters? Holy fucking shit I'm so pissed right now, just... _go_ before I don't know what I'll fucking do. _Go!_" The last word came out as a strangled whisper rather than with the force I wanted_._

_Stop hurting her. _

_Her her her and she she she – fuck off!_

My entire body was shaking, and scared to_ death_ didn't even begin to explain how I felt in regards to my own sanity and her safety.

"I told you I needed space!" she exploded, disregarding me, and I was reeling, far beyond any rational thought.

"_**You**_ needed!" I snapped, incredulous. "You need this, and you need fucking that—Bella—holy shit-" I cut off, sucking in a breath between my gritted teeth. "You need a hell of a lot, don't you? And you _want_ a shitload more, and you know what? I've given it, for as long as I can remember, and what the _fuck_ about what _I_ need? Or what _I want?_ Anything?" I looked around, throwing my hands out. "Anybody?" One second, two seconds. "Nope. Didn't fucking think so. I give, and you take. That's how it's always been."

Her mouth opened-

"Don't you fucking talk." I nearly choked on it. _Nearly _but not quite, but holy shit it hurt. It fucking hurt because it hurt _her_ and I wondered if I could hate what I was any _more_ than I already did. "This is _ridiculous_," I breathed, just staring.

"I'm sorry," she managed in a broken voice while I tried to calm down, and that just made me shake my head. Back and forth, from side to side.

"Really? You're sorry? Well, let me tell you something... sorry just doesn't cut it anymore, Bella. It just _doesn't_."

Again her mouth opened but it closed just as quickly, and in the next beat I was building up the steam again that just seemed to keep coming out of fucking nowhere, and it was relentless.

"Sorry doesn't change the fact that I left _everything_ I knew behind... for _you._ I spent the better part of a century tied to _your_ daughter because you had to have it all. You wanted me, but you wanted him _more_, you loved me, but you still fucking loved _him more—_no, you _needed _him more than youneeded me_, _but still you clung to me like a fucking kid with a blanket when you should have just let me the_ fuck go._" I wasn't even sure she caught the last part, since I barely felt it leaving my mouth, although the truth of it seared through me like acid.

_You're hurting her too much. She can't handle this. Stop it. Stop it now._

_I fucking know! I can feel it with each and every goddamn breath I struggle to take, you motherfucking lunatic. Thanks to you, I feel her heart breaking like it was my fucking own!_

_So stop!_

"Get the _fuck_ out of my goddamn _life!_" I exploded, and not even a second passed before pure agony punched the air out of my lungs. "Oh _fuck_," was all I could get out with whatever nonexistent air left.

Like a statue, she stared back at me, wide-eyed with tears coming down her face. Instantly I'd somehow shifted from where I was to having her face in a gentle grasp.

"Bella? Jesus fucking Christ—honey? Bells?" I wiped across her eyes and cheeks with my fingers. "That wasn't for you. _Shit_, that wasn't meant for you, never you. I didn't mean that—I don't want that—come on, honey, look at me."

_Oh, who's the genius now? Brilliant. _

_Just . . . Can you . . ._

Desperately, I stroked her face to get her to look at me, but she kept staring at nothing, and it was all I could fucking do not to lose it and start crying myself. _Jeez, don't you fucking lose it now. _

"You're right," she conclusively said in a dull monotone. "I've been selfish—I _am _selfish-"

"No no no, Bells." And I rested my forehead against hers, closing my eyes and gripping her head firmly, pushing my fingers into her hair and against her scalp to somehow communicate through touches what my stupid words weren't able to. _Fuck fuck fuck, I'm so completely messed up and holy God I'm such a dick!_ "I didn't mean that," I repeated in a cracked voice. "I wasn't talking to you, I'd never want you to fuck off. Never never ever, honey, you've gotta believe me—_please_ believe me, I always want you, always... I can't... You've gotta... _Please_, honey," I begged with everything I could manage. And freaking _finally_ she stirred and I pulled back quickly as her eyes focused, but the moment they did she collapsed against me, her hands wringing my shirt and I released her as she buried her face there. Her tiny shoulders shook as she lost it.

I could literally feel it, piece by piece fracturing, and it tore me up inside.

_Shit shit shit fucking shit. _"Oh, Bells... Fuck. I'm so stupid and so very fucking sorry, I didn't... I wasn't..." Wasn't what? Thinking clearly? Because all my waking moments lately were occupied by her, and all that she was that I loved and couldn't have?

_Me. My fault. Tell her. Now. _

"Don't-" Hiccup. "-you dare-" A sob. "-say-" Another hiccup. "-_sorry!_"

Not knowing what to say anymore, I just wound my arms as tightly around her as I dared, finding myself sliding down her body until my knees hit the hard ground. The more I let go, the harder the reality of it all hit. As if it had somehow been unclear before. But as much as she had hurt me, and pushed me away, I'd been all too quick to let her. In all honesty, I was scared as all hell that I'd push her too far, and she'd give in, and not mean it.

Just like I was resigned to accept I'd never have her, since that would be easier to live with, than letting her in and then losing her. But the fact of the matter was that she'd been there all this time; she already fit in my heart and my life, and no matter what, she'd stay. It was like the moment I'd fallen in love with her she'd locked herself into my very soul and the key was nowhere in sight.

_There **is** no key._

It wasn't enough, it just wasn't enough and I had to; I just fucking _had to _touch her, so I pushed my hands under her shirt to wrap as much of her up into my arms as I could, causing her a startled intake of breath. I brought her closer, and just pressed the side of my face over her heart.

She stiffened. "_Jake, _what_-_"

"Shh, Bells, I've gotta tell you something, so... don't freak and hear me out, okay?" I curled my fingers against the incredible warmth of her skin, clutched her more firmly against me _still_, and then turned my face into her and mumbled, "Christ, honey, do you know how fucking _warm_ you are to me now? _So _warm_._" A moment passed when I just listened to the pained stutters of her heart. _**I** did that. I fucking did that. Goddammit..._ "I'm so sorry," I forced past the ache in my throat, "You've gotta forgive me, honey, okay? I _have _to be close to you and if I can't I'm going to lose my fucking mind, and hell, if I _don't _see you I'd still _feel _you, and miss you _so fucking much_...

"This drives me absolutely fucking insane because I have to... I just... You have to know..." I couldn't take it."I imprinted on you," I told her in a broken voice. "That day in the kitchen, Bells? I imprinted on you and I should've told you right _then_, I shouldn't have waited, but I was so fucking afraid you'd tell me to go away and there was _no way_ I would've been able _not _to and I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I couldn't, I just _couldn't_... _Fuck_, I _can't _lose you."

I opened my eyes when she sank down until her blurred face was level with mine, and her hands were now stroking back the hair that stuck to my wet skin, before pressing her palms flush against the sides of my face, and in a quiet voice demanding, "What did you just say?" Her eyes darted between mine, irrefutably in doubt, not daring to believe me, and I swallowed against the hurt still clinging to her and in turn wheedling through me.

"I imprinted," I replied, wondering when I'd stop breaking and just crumble to fucking pieces instead.

She shook her head. "No," she argued, barely audibly, but I nodded in response, wary of her calm.

"Yes, Bells... You're my _imprint_."

"Impossible." Eyes wide and so damn beautiful, she was still so incredibly fucking dense.

"_You _are impossible." Again I felt the need to shake her. Instead, I stroked my unsteady hands so gently and so carefully over her skin, wherever I could safely touch—the slope of her back, the dip of her waist, the swell of her hip and _shit_ she was so damn _soft_ and _warm_ and I couldn't _stop_. "Honey," I almost begged, desperate for her to believe me. "Surely you _feel _that_._" I could hear her swallow, and a flicker of understanding passed in the depths of her eyes.

"But... It can't be... I can't—_how?_" While she continued to just silently push against the truth, I circled her waist, folding her into me as closely as I could.

"Because I fell in love with you, honey. I loved you then, and I've loved you all this time and you _know_ it's the damn truth – you _fucking know._"

"But I-" She closed her mouth when I brought my face so close to hers our noses touched, and closed my eyes.

"I _tried_ to get over you," I whispered. "In every way fucking humanly and _in_humanly possible, but I couldn't and I just can't, and I'll _always_ only ever see _you_. No one else. _Never_ anyone else. Only you – you _are_ mine-" _Oh Jesus, here we go again. _"-I'm _yours_," I corrected. "Only yours. Always. You're _not_ alone. Never." And the more I gave in to it, the warmer I felt – the warmer _she_ felt.

The smallest hitch of her breath, and suddenly her eyes filled with fresh tears as one hand clamped over her mouth. She was _still_ shaking her damn head, her nose rubbing against mine with each turn.

I blew out a frustrated breath. "Jeez, honey, you're freaking _hopeless_." Reluctant to remove my hands from her skin, I tilted my head to lean in and gently touched my cheek to the side of her face. When I quietly reassured, "I'm yours, Bella," I felt her hands, until now having rested limply against my neck, dive into my hair to anchor herself, as if she were afraid I would disappear, which made me feel so fucking full I didn't know what to do.

Several attempts to talk stuck on their way out before she could manage to tell me "I don't know what to say," and instead just clung to me.

"Say you forgive me, honey."

"Oh, Jacob..." Impossibly, she held me tighter. "Of course—of _course _I forgive you."

The words meant everything, the relief that flooded me was indescribable, and for a long moment the only thing I knew was Bella. She was in my arms, and for the first time in I didn't know _how _long I felt completely at peace. Better still: she didn't try to break free, she didn't even shift. Instead she held herself close, while her hands moved down my neck from time to time, only to return to tangle in my hair.

After what felt like not long enough, Bella quietly noted, "My head is all woozy."

"Thought hell would freeze over before you got drunk, Bells," I replied in a light, teasing tone, even though my voice was all messed up still.

Her soft snort tickled my ear. "I'm not drunk_,_" she insisted, and when she shifted I thought she was going to pull away, making my arms tighten around her. "Jake, I need to switch. I think my foot's fallen asleep." And I released her, not realizing until now that she was fully on my lap, but in an awkward position, one foot wedged between her ass and my leg.

"How'd you end up there?" I wanted to know, and she looked down at herself and then back at me, a small smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"Good question," she said. "I, um, don't remember?"

I smirked. "Yeah, no, of course not."

"It's _true_," she began to protest and I cut her off, chuckling.

"Hey, hey, it's all okay by me, honey. I don't mind." While I'd be okay with her rearranging her limbs, I wasn't taking my hands away from her. I wasn't sure if it'd dawned on her yet that they were still under her tee; my fingertips still tracing lazy designs across her lower back, occasionally straying to her hip and following the curve above before returning to do the circuit all over again.

Not that I'd ever been able to do this before, but I wasn't blind to the changes she'd gone through, and she definitely didn't have a wiry teenage girl's body anymore.

_Oh, look, there's a bird. _

_Want me to fetch you a stick?_

_Not a good idea when she's on your lap._

_Ha ha. Oh, you're hilarious._

"Jake?" She'd scooted closer, her legs bent at the knee as she sat on my thigh and leaned her head against my shoulder, her back pressing into my front.

"M'yeah?" With the slight change, my hand was now resting on her stomach, and I thought about that for a bit, wondering what it meant that she wasn't pushing it away.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Huh?" Then I understood. "Oh, that. Uh... I was talking to the wolf," I admitted, almost flinching away from the memory of her stricken face. "He's a bit of a pain in the ass, lately."

"Oh." Bella traced along my fingers through her tee, then asked, "What's he doing?"

"Mostly? Just telling me things, but trying to make me do stuff, too."

She turned her head to peer up at my face. "Like what?" And now I could tell that she'd probably had a few beers, not that she seemed drunk in the least, but her eyes were a bit glazed and there was a permanent rosy flush to her cheeks and _God you're beautiful, honey._

"Are you sure you don't want to try out the karaoke?" I asked in an attempt to redirect, knowing it was a lost cause, but it didn't stop me from trying. Lost causes were my thing.

With one hand she grabbed my chin, and then, as her brows pulled together, said in a low voice, "Jake, don't change the subject. What things?"

"Uh, I don't think-"

"Come on," she persisted. "I want to know." Her bottom lip protruded just the tiniest bit, and my mouth twitched with humor.

"I think you're a _little_ drunk, Bells."

"Ugh." Then she released my chin and turned to gaze out over the water. I heard her sniff a little before bargaining, "Just one thing, and I won't ask anything else."

This was totally not a conversation I wanted to have right now, and the wolf gloating didn't make me any more happy about it. But I gave in anyway, muttering, "It's mostly about you, honey, so...yeah. Figure the rest out yourself."

Bella's hand on mine paused. _Oh, that was fast._

_All hers. Only hers. Yes, I am._

_Fuck off, goddamn fanatic._

"Oh. Um. I see..."

"Yeah."

Her hand started moving again, but slower and a bit distractedly. "So, does it tell you things all the time, or just sometimes, or...?" She stretched her legs out, tipping her feet apart and together, back and forth, back and forth... _I'm so not thinking about anything but her feet. The color, the __shape, the stain on her right one – is that ketchup or salsa?_

_Chili sauce, perhaps?_

_I wasn't talking to you, piss off, I'm trying to focus._

"Pretty much constantly," I finally confessed, grudgingly, and in the same beat, her voice having dropped to almost a whisper, she asked,

"How about now?"

"All yours," I immediately replied into her hair, and pressed my lips against the soft strands, adding, "_Only_ yours." A sudden rush of warmth seemed to set everything blazing, even her skin beneath my palm.

"_Oh_," she breathed. And for a very freaking long minute we sat there in complete silence, apart from her heartbeats picking up in pace and strength. Until, as if to herself, she wondered, "I guess this explains why my best friend was in that shower fantasy."

I choked on nothing. "_What!_"

_I told you so. Dickhead._

**o~*iii*~o**


	18. The Colors That I Wear

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_More than you know it I'm aware of this connection that we share. I know it seems like sometimes I don't care, but you are the colors that I wear. / "3 AM," by Poets of the Fall_

* * *

**The Colors That I Wear**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**July 2105**_

_Too hot, _far too hot. And with that I peeled the covers back, sucking in a startled breath as the cool air washed over my flushed, damp skin. I stared down in disbelief, sunlight spilling through the window and across my body, to which my nightshirt clung stubbornly. I pulled myself up, instantly lifting my hands to hold my head, as if to steady myself.

"Oh, _God_," I moaned. Why had I continued drinking last night? Oh. That's right. And then it all came rushing back.

Yesterday, in its entirety, literally flashed before my eyes until I paused, blinking, the words _you're my imprint_ lingering in my mind. I could feel that skeptical part that had fought against it still protesting in the back of my conscience, refusing to believe it. It was undeniable, though; each and every part of me knew it with unquestionable certainty.

_My Jacob._

I stilled, not sure what to make of the bold thought, but impossibly unable to deny it. I wanted to; how could he be mine just like that? What had I done to deserve him? A wave of guilt hit me, but it was so small in comparison to the memory of his fingertips drawing intricate designs on my skin. And for the remainder of the evening he had barely left my side, just as his arms had let me go with such reluctance when we said good night and... _oh – _a flash of warmth washed over me and spread through my limbs in outward waves.

Was he close by?

As I swung my legs over the edge of the bed, I wondered what the time was, and reached down to dig through my bag at the foot of the bed. Pulling out my cell and a bottle of aspirin, I noted: almost ten am. The hangover made a horde of pestering mini elephants stampede through my brain.

"No more beer for me," I resolved.

A knock on the door gave me a start, and instinctively I snatched the comforter to cover myself, just as Rosalie poked her head inside.

"Morning, babe. Want some coffee?"

_Oh_ _yes._ I nodded. "Yes, _please_," I breathed as if she'd just saved my life.

Rosalie left me a towel before closing the door, letting me know the bathroom was free if I wanted a shower. Giving my nightshirt another glance, I decided that that might be the first course of action before showing up in the kitchen.

The moment I entered the shower, the slip from last night popped into my head. "_Oh no._" I covered my face with my hands. Had I really said that? I let out a deep sigh, shaking my head. Yes, I _had._ What had I been thinking? What did _he_ think? Absolutely great, Bella. Fabulous. He'd only just poured his heart and soul out, and what do I do? Blurt out that I fantasize about my best friend? How very considerate of me._ I'm so sorry, Jacob, that I pushed you away, but I still fantasize about you. That counts for something, right? Ugh._

Twenty minutes later, with the towel wrapped around my hair, I walked into the bright and open kitchen. The cabinets were painted white, the wood still visible through the thin layer, and the counters pale granite. The floor was incredibly light – polished birch or ash wood I decided; I always mixed the two.

Emmett was sprawled across the sofa, watching TV in the living room, which bordered to the kitchen. Their house was an older wooden building – without a doubt built before the turn of the century – but so cozy and comfortable.

It wasn't the first time I'd been here, but it still hit me, as much as last time, how truly _Rosalie_ this was. "I can almost hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet across these floors," I mused. I smiled at Rosalie when she put a cup of coffee down in front of me, where I'd stopped at the counter. "How's the morning sickness?"

"Getting better," she replied, and then sighed in the direction of the living room. I craned my neck just in time to see Emmett pick up a sandwich from the floor, flashing a wide grin when he spotted me.

"Morning!"

"Morning, Emmett – how's _your_ head?" I asked, smirking. He'd had far more to drink than I could even _imagine_ consuming, but didn't look one bit affected by it. "Ugh. You don't feel a thing, do you?" I conclusively added before he could answer me.

"Naw, all's well here – not so hot for you though, I guess?" I just rolled my eyes at his accurate observation, making him laugh. "Aw. Poor sis."

I sniffed. "Yeah, poor me." But I was grinning, until a muscle in my face decided to interfere with something in my head and a prickling pain cut through it, making me flinch. "First and last," I muttered under my breath.

"You've gotta adapt a strategy, Bella,you can't just expect to drink like a pro your first time – that goes for many firsts," he added teasingly.

That made my face hot, and I looked down to the swirl I created when stirring my coffee. "Thanks for the coffee, Rose," I said quietly and took it with me to sit by the table.

"Don't be shy!" he called out with a laugh.

All I rewarded him with was a snort.

"Hush up, babe, and eat your sandwich before I feed it to you."

"Is that a promise?"

Rosalie and I exchanged a glance that only said one thing: men.

While I drank my coffee and had some scrambled eggs Rosalie insisted on making for me, we talked about the past few weeks. Or rather, she asked me questions and chastised me for having disappeared under the radar, to which I apologized.

Mostly I had just been so embarrassed about what had happened at the club that night, but moving out of the home I'd thought I'd grow old in hadn't been easy. As much as I knew I didn't want to stay, it was still difficult to picture myself elsewhere.

Then, one week ago, while I'd been in downtown Anchorage to run a few quick errands, I'd spotted Edward and Lauren at a cafe. At first I'd mistaken the strange feeling that cut through me for jealousy, until I walked in the door of my barren apartment, and realized that I'd simply felt lonely. Also it had dawned on me what I was doing: I was feeling sorry for myself. I had barely done anything in three weeks but run the past eighteen months through my head. Over and over.

What had I done wrong? Could I have done anything differently? Would it even have mattered if I had? Most importantly of all: would I want to do it all over again? The answer to that had startled me, or perhaps it was how quickly I'd reached the conclusion that, no, I wouldn't want to. But I didn't regret it either. After three weeks I concluded that I _had_ done the right thing.

For the past week I had made significant changes, and my flat no longer echoed. I'd invited a couple of girls from my study group; we'd spent a whole day in shops and warehouses, looking for furniture that suited my apartment. In the end I'd even visited a few second hand shops, not having been happy with the modern selections.

My apartment wasn't very big: only one bedroom and a large living area with a kitchen combined. It _did_ have a balcony, though – which I loved – facing the mountains. I would sit there now, in the mornings and the evenings, having coffee and just... _being._

After all the trouble of getting forged paperwork for Edward's and my marriage to be recognized by the authorities, in comparison it hadn't taken long for it to be dissolved. I was, once again, Isabella Marie _Swan_.

I swallowed against the slight ache in my throat, as so often occurred when I thought of Charlie. Which, in turn, made me think of Renée. Also it reminded me of my great niece and nephew: Ellie and Will, the grandkids of my half sister, Annabell. I had no idea if she was still alive. The last time I'd seen her had been almost two years ago, that afternoon in the park, and she'd been so very old already. I somehow still remembered that day.

"You okay, Bella baby?"

Quickly I wiped at my eyes, and confirmed assertively, if quietly, "Yes. I'm fine." I gave her a smile. "It still hits me, though, you know? They're all gone, and I can't remember. It's... hard to wrap my head around sometimes."

"Maybe you should go there," Rosalie suggested gently. "It might help."

Going back to Forks? Everything quickly got very blurry and Rosalie came around the table to hug me around the shoulders, then she tugged at my towel-wrap, making a small laugh escape me. "Better go get my hair sorted, huh?" I whisper-giggled.

"Unless you want Jacob staring at you for all the wrong reasons," she meaningfully added, making my cheeks flame hotly.

"Um. Probably not."

_Jacob. **My**_ _Jacob. _

That was going to take some getting used to, and not so much that I hadn't once thought of him as my Jacob, but the way it felt was... overwhelming. Part of me still wanted to fight it, not feeling I deserved it. But the moment my thoughts wandered in that direction they scattered, as if the bigger part had swatted the other away. Were I to be completely honest with myself, it made me feel just a tiny bit crazy.

Maybe I always had been . . .

**o~*iii*~o**

Yesterday had hit a new record: the temperature had skyrocketed, and today was no different. Luckily, jeans and a tee still wasn't too hot, and, as I now stood in the direct sunlight, I peered out into the bay longingly. I should have brought my swimsuit. At least I could shed my shoes and socks, and I did, rolling my jeans up before dipping my toes tentatively into the water.

Hope was beautiful, and what a name.

A contended sigh slipped past my lips and I took a step forward, being careful not to lose my balance on the rocky bottom.

The shimmer of warmth that suddenly brushed up my back was _not_ due to the sun – _how did I know this? I just knew and..._ I bit my lip to hold the smile before glancing over my shoulder. As I knew he would be, up on the terrace to Seaview Cafe, several paces away, stood Jacob, leaning against the railing while watching me. When our eyes met, the sensation spread through my entire body, and I couldn't help the shiver that shot through me.

He mouthed what looked like "Good morning," and I gave him a full smile, then picked up my socks and shoes and made my way over to the cafe.

"Not really morning anymore," I told him as I came up the steps – it seemed the closer I got the more I felt like I was being pulled in by an invisible magnetic field – and he gave a slight shrug, then turned back to look out over the bay. I noticed he had his own cup of coffee, and I took care not to knock it off the railing as I came to perch my elbows on the wooden fence next to him. "Did you just get up?"

I definitely hadn't felt this before. This – _charge – _at least... not _this_ strongly.

"Nah. Been up with the sun." He returned my smile and grabbed his cup. "How're you feeling?" He took a long sip.

"Great," I told him honestly. Slightly confused, but _so great._ "Now that the aspirin and coffee's had its way with me." I pursed my lips then, and wondered about my choice of words, adding, "Um... well, you know what I mean."

Jacob's responding chuckle was deep and throaty. "You've developed a way with words, Bells, I'll give you that."

I frowned a little. "Not intentionally," I assured him. "Comes with the territory, hanging out with city girls and all."

"I'd say you're a city girl, too, now," he thoughtfully pointed out.

"I guess... I still prefer this, though." And I gestured toward the water. "It's beautiful here." In spite of the heat of the sun, Jacob's own body temperature radiated right through me, and it took a lot of surprising effort to not simply move closer.

"Uh huh," he agreed, and I glanced up to find him looking right at me, his dark eyes melting parts of me I didn't even know were meltable. Cue the blush, and I turned my gaze to where my fingers had found a splinter to occupy myself with.

"So, um... you should come up to Anchorage some day" – _stubborn sucker, go back into the wood_ – "before classes start up again. Plus, there's this sofa that I've ordered, and it's pretty heavy and um – I mean, of course you don't _have _to, I just-"

"Bells..."

"-thought that, maybe, I don't know, it would be nice" – I shrugged, giving up on pushing the splinter back into its place – "or something..." His hand closed over mine, and... _oh._ I swallowed. The most luscious feeling, warmth and something else, seemed to absorb right through my skin and seep into my veins.

"Honey?"

My answer didn't leave my throat on the first try, so I cleared it and tried again, "Yeah?" finally daring to glance up at him.

"You're rambling," he said softly, a wry smile on his lips. Oh, God. _Don't look at his mouth, don't look._ Hesitantly, I met his eyes again, and immediately wished I hadn't. The tender emotion made my breath catch, ever so slightly, but I knew he'd noticed. Then – rough but warm – his fingers stroked the side of my face, trailing fire down to my chin, and gently he held me there.

"Jacob-"

"Shh... don't talk, honey," he whispered before touching his lips to my cheek, and the other, then my nose, and ever so lightly to the corner of my mouth. In a quiet, husky tone, as if sensing my insecurities, he assured me, "I _am_ yours," then lingered there, as my lids fluttered closed. I felt the tip of his nose graze mine and the tickle of his breath warmed my lips when he added, "I never _wasn't_." Then pressed his mouth to mine.

Inexplicable joy burst in my chest, sending my heart racing. I felt him smile against my lips, while he, with his other hand, cupped the back of my head and brought me closer. A sigh of contentment escaped me and I reached up to lightly touch his face.

_My Jacob._

He pulled back a little, and I met his gaze, his hands framing my face. "I've been wanting to do that for a really _really_ long time."

"What are you pulling away for then?" I playfully scolded and dragged his mouth back to mine, firmer this time, making a subtle groan vibrate in the back of his throat. Almost instantly, so quick it made me gasp, his hands were clutching my body tight – _so tight_ against his I could _feel_ the strong beat of his heart, as if it were my own.

Our lips melded, and mine parted beneath his.

"Whoa, get a room!"

I stiffened, and my lids flew open as I turned my head to frown at Embry's too cheerful grin.

"Man, seriously," Jacob breathed.

"Yeah, yeah, evil magic and a century of waiting – I get it, but Meg's asking for you."

I was reluctantly released, but before Jacob walked off he placed a burning kiss on my forehead, leaving me to fold my arms and raise an eyebrow at Embry.

"Don't look so awfully pleased with yourself," I grumbled, at which he laughed.

"Remember who dragged your cranky ass down here," he reminded me, but he was smiling at me now. I slumped my shoulders and joined him at one of the tables.

"Thanks, Embry," I said. "I mean that." And a smile lifted one corner of my mouth.

A knowing flashed across his face. "Oh, I bet you do."

"Ugh... you know what I – never _mind._"

Another laugh. "So, Swan-"

"Bella," I corrected.

"Sure, Swan," he acknowledged – I rolled my eyes – then assumed a businesslike tone. "We're leaving at two, I'm taking Nessie to the movies, but we're going to eat first, so...you better be _presentable _to leave in-" And he dug into his jeans to pull out his cell. "-an hour and forty."

"Presentable? What does that even..." _Oh. _"Embry!" I scoffed at his humorous chuckle and, quirking a brow meaningfully, let him know, "You're lucky all the Wolframite is back in Trapper Creek."

To that he folded his arms and winked. "Can't threaten with pain if the target enjoys it."

My mouth fell open, then I quickly snapped it shut as the implications of that statement began to turn over in my brain. "Oh, no!" I whispered and hid my face in my hands. "Don't want to know what you and Ness – don't ever say that again. _Please_." Shaking my head, I added, to cut off his snickering, "Nessie's my _daughter._" I hissed the last word.

Embry sobered and cleared his throat. "Sorry."

I should have known it wasn't thanks to me that he had stopped. A shadow fell across the table, and I peered up to find my daughter giving Embry a pointed look.

Turned out Meg and Jamie had prepared lunch for us, and Jacob soon came back out – Jamie and Meg in tow with bowls and cutlery – carrying a large pot of beef curry stew which was absolutely _amazing. _

**o~*iii*~o**

After lunch, I'd returned to Rosalie's and Emmett's place to gather my things, and it was almost two pm when I went to find Jacob to tell him we'd be leaving soon. As much as I'd enjoyed the weekend, one day was nowhere _near_ enough to make up for lost time, but in spite of all the crap and pain I'd caused my best friend, he still wanted me around. It did make wonder, though, if he had much choice in the matter. But I reminded myself that Jacob was the strongest person I'd ever met, and if he truly didn't want me around, he'd fight the imprint. Hell, he'd defy any law of physics he saw fit, if it went against him. We had nearly a century as proof of that.

Last night, the few minutes before I'd drifted off to sleep, had been spent mulling over his request for _my_ forgiveness. _Mine?_ The things he'd told me might have stung, but it was the truth. Even if some things were blurry, and I had lots and lots of blank spots in my memory, I knew that I _had_ pushed him away more times than I could count. But the reasons for them all were vague, and just as I'd have something within my grasp it would slip away.

I'd been selfish. Mostly I'd just been young, naïve and a complete coward.

Whoever she was, whoever I had been, wasn't who I was today. But I didn't want to forget about it; I wanted to know my reasoning. Simply because, to me today, my past decisions – some, not all – made absolutely no darn sense.

Maybe I _would_ go back, as Rosalie had suggested. If it could jog my memory, the trip would be worth it. Besides, I couldn't remember Charlie's nor Renée's funeral. Sometimes, to know where you were headed, you had to know where you came from.

**o~*iii*~o**

I found myself at Jacob's garage, situated behind his business. Hope comprised of one main street, which ran all the way into the bay. Or just about. The repair shop, Wreck & Roll – first time I heard it I'd had a hard time not laughing, but for all good reasons – was the second business up from the actual shoreline. A smaller road ran along the bank, and if you followed it you'd get to Sam Uley's house, which wasn't finished. I'd yet to actually see the inside of it. Sam hadn't been around much, but Jacob explained that he was used to being a bit of a hermit, and not to take it personally.

"Jake?" I called out, giving the large wooden door a light rap. I knew he was around; I _felt_ it.

"Hey, Bells," he called back, and I turned, just as he closed the door behind him, coming down the veranda from his house. It was a _huge_ house: two stories, wrap-around veranda – what was he planning on _doing_ with all that space?

"Hey," I replied, shifting to gaze at him, then back at the house, and back to Jacob again. "Are you planning on a bed and breakfast?" I joked, and he paused, looking back at the house.

"Ha ha. No." The grin stretched across his face and he held me captive with those dark eyes as he came up to me. "Gotta have space for all those kids, y'know?" he said with a playful glint in his eye, then continued past me and into the garage.

I blinked, gazing stupidly at the house.

"All those kids," I echoed. _There's got to be at least... several bedrooms in there, _I thought to myself, counting the windows.

Jacob's chuckle drifted from around the corner. "Quit freaking out, honey, and come here."

I shook myself mentally, then turned to walk in the garage – carefully, in case I was going to trip over my dazed self. "I'm not, I was just counting – how many bedrooms _are_ there?"

"A few," came his distracted reply from where he, hunched down, rummaged through – what I guessed was – a toolbox.

"What are you doing?"

"Getting some things together – going to help Sam in a bit-" He paused to look at me over his shoulder, and I leaned back against the workbench, crossing my ankles. A strange expression crossed his face, and the smile wiped clear off his mouth.

Immediately concerned, I straightened. "Jake?"

"Yeah," he replied, his voice layered with emotion, still staring at me as if he'd seen a ghost, as if he saw right through me. I wracked my brain, trying to come up with an explanation to the sudden switch; not only did I _see_, but I was _aware. _Somehow a heavy weight settled in my stomach, and I couldn't make sense of the tightening in my throat.

Sense or no sense aside, I moved across the floor and kneeled down in front of him, shaping my hands to his face. "Hey," I softly coaxed. "Hey, Jake... what's wrong?" I searched his eyes, trying to make contact.

Then, like last night, _just_ like last night – the tools he'd suddenly dropped aside – he had me, with a gasp, flush against him as his hands chased my cotton tee away to roam my skin. The fire they seemed to draw from somewhere deep within was no subtler, no less burning.

"Jacob," I half protested, half cooed, when his nose pressed into the crook of my neck. "Jacob, baby, what's wrong?" _Um, what... baby? _His hands slowed, and then, though not leaving my body, stopped completely –_ oh, God... what's wrong with me today? _"Um, I mean..." What _had_ I meant? _Way to go, Bella._

Heat washed over my skin, raising goosebumps, when he exhaled a chuckle. "Sorry, Bells – I've got a weakness for girls in my garage," he confessed with a light brush of lips to my neck, eliciting a shiver down my spine, before he pulled back to rest his forehead against mine.

Oh... _oh. Of course_... "Are you okay?" I quietly asked, my eyes on his.

"Yep. Never better," he assured me without hesitation, and then, with our gazes still locked, he said, "Gotta tell you – I'm liking this new thing you've got going... blurting things out."

"Oh, um..." _Oh, whatever_, I thought and hitched a shoulder, grinning sheepishly.

Jacob looked up then, toward the doorway, and I looked, too, but there was no one there. I raised an eyebrow in question, and a slight frown neutralized his smile.

"Embry's coming," he clarified dispassionately.

"Oh, shoot – I came to tell you we were leaving." My stomach dropped a little, disappointment flooding me.

"Well..." Jacob pulled me up with him, his arms folding me into his chest as mine came around his waist to squeeze as hard as I was able. "You better call, honey. I'm not sitting around here waiting for it this time – I'll drive up if you don't, and I'm not kidding."

"I'll call," I vowed. "So often you'll get sick of me." And I meant it with every fiber in my body. If the voice deep within hadn't done so already, Jacob's words confirmed it, and chased away whatever skepticism that remained.

"You say that like it's actually possible." The light humor in his voice didn't match the way his hands moved greedily over my lower back and hips, as if to brand me into his palms.

I peered up at him through my lashes, and tried to keep my voice steady when I, half serious, said, "That's what you say _now._ Just wait... you might eat those words yet."

"Not gonna happen." He leaned down to land a soft, lingering kiss on my forehead and, after a deep breath, whispered so quietly I barely caught it, "Okay, go, before I won't let you."

And _oh_ it was _so_ difficult to pry myself away, and I absolutely didn't want to, but somehow I managed, knowing I had to go home.

"Talk to you soon," I mouthed to him as I paused on my way out of the garage.

"Soon," he promised, smiling.

Embry came around the corner then, and into the courtyard. "Time to go, chop chop."

"I'm gonna throw something at you," Jacob muttered, making Embry laugh.

"Go take it out on Sam's house, we're off!"

As the distance grew, and the further away from Hope I got, the more I realized how utterly dumb I'd been. Deep down I'd known – all this time I'd known, but as confusing as it had been for me, I couldn't help but think how much _harder _it had been for Jacob. There had never been a doubt in his mind, and _still_ he had sacrificed.

Was I cursed to be dense, or was I just that ignorant?

**o~*iii*~o**


	19. Desire

_**Disclaimer: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_Kill sweet desire, faith may numb the trial, but can you run all your life? / Kill sweet desire, truth will make a liar, you can run but not hide. / "Desire," by Poets of the Fall_

* * *

**Desire**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2105**_

If I'd known, I wouldn't have let her go. No way in hell.

o-oOo-o

_Mid-August; twenty-one days after Embry's birthday bash . . ._

"_Fuck." I twisted the busted up ratchet in my trembling hands, staring at it. "This is a joke." Then tossed it into the corner and walked out of Wreck & Roll's repair bay, stalking past a couple of bug-eyed customers coming out of the front office. Blondie called out to me but I kept on walking._

_I didn't stop to knock on the door to Sam's house when I got there. Instead I yanked it open, cussing again when I heard something protest and break._

"_What the hell?" came Sam's voice and he appeared in the doorway to his almost-finished kitchen. It took him all of a few seconds to clue in, and then he sighed. "I should've warned you," he confessed regretfully._

"_You're gonna sit the fuck down and tell me **everything** I need to know. Starting now."_

o-oOo-o

And told me he had.

The part where how impossibly much I loved Bella came into play, and how that amplified everything by a fucking dozen, and then some, didn't surprise me; I knew that already. Though, after a goddamn infinity of playing happy family with vampires, being the only one-hundred-year-old-virgin in history, and every-fucking-thing-else in between, did I really _need _another piece of evidence slapped in my face? No, I didn't.

But I got it anyway.

I wasn't allowed normal; I really, really _really_ wasn't.

"_At least you haven't had sex with her yet; count your blessings," Sam'd wryly told me, patting my knee in a gesture of fatherly comfort._

It hadn't eased my mind; my thoughts were still spinning out of control. I didn't even want to know. It was bad enough already. But I was glad he'd told me, since my following course of action had put me in my car and on the road to Anchorage – I'd gone to see Bella. Three weeks had kicked the absolute shit out of me, and I'd caved.

And then there was the phasing, which I'd also given in to, or I wouldn't have managed work _at all._ Not until the moment I'd let him loose – after I'd spent a good forty minutes driving into the damn wilderness – did I know _why_ I hadn't done so sooner: I wanted it gone. All of it. I was claiming my life back, and that meant letting the wolf go, but now... I _couldn't_.

Two options. That's what I had. Option one: keep phasing until Bella graduated and I could convince her to move down to Hope. Or. Option two: spend a fortune in gas, and four hours _daily_ in a car to go see her in Anchorage.

It was so messed up, but, plain and simple, I felt like a strung out drug addict; the more hits I took, the worse the withdrawal. All thanks to the Bella-fanatic making himself oh-so-goddamn-at-home in my body...

...but, no. After all this time, I totally _still_ refrained from bitterness.

_Oh! cried the fiddler, and play me another tune!_

_Shut up, asstart._

Sam was on my back as a daily routine, like a broken record, telling me to talk to Bella about it, which I violently refused to do. This wasn't her problem to deal with. She was studying, and she loved it. I only was on the phone with her every day, so I'd know. There was no way in hell and back I'd put this on her. She had another three years to go. I could do three years. It was a small price to pay – I'd forked out a century already – what were another few years in the greater scheme of things?

_Floating down the river on a big big boat, and we call it de-nial, yes, we call it de-nial._

_Ever been to Timbuktu? Or Cape Horn? A pretty big distance, wouldn't you say? I'll do it, I'll fucking do it just to spite you, you son of a bitch._

I chuckled darkly when he whined.

**o~*iii*~o**

Since that day I'd all but torn Sam's door off its hinges – almost three weeks ago now – I'd been up to Anchorage every single moment I could, with rational sensibility, spare. Truth be told though, it wasn't enough. Nowhere near enough. But I took a lot of comfort in the fact that she _did_ want to be a part of my life. In what way, we couldn't really define yet; it was too early to tell. But finally – thank you Jesus Christ and holy Mary mother of _God... finally – _I could do the things I wanted to do all those agonizingly long years ago.

Like taking her hand and having her know it was because it fit so perfectly in mine, and that she'd squeeze back, knowing it, too, and accept it.

Better still: I got to take her out, and when I called it a date she didn't cringe at the word or its meaning. We were back at the blurring friendship line, and it felt so damn good that she didn't seem to mind. Not one bit.

Bella's muffled giggle broke me out of my inner debate, but then she cleared her throat and returned her attention to the textbook on her lap when she caught my expression. Not really sure what it said, I ducked to look into the full length mirror, taking notice of the frown.

"Yeah, I look like an idiot."

It was Monday, and I was up in Anchorage for a suit fitting. The old guy with a pincushion raised his shaggy salt and pepper brow, but didn't look up from his work.

"No, you don't," she insisted, but kept her eyes on her homework.

Months ago, Leah and Blondie had signed a contract for us to handle the restoration of a former customer's son's vintage car museum. He'd _insisted_ I show up for the grand opening, and of course I had to look like a fucking tool for the occasion – the things I had to do sometimes. This should be minor compared to past sacrifices, but it wasn't. I hated social events. Even worse were the ones I had to dress up for.

"If I wasn't such a freak I could avoid the humiliation," I muttered under my breath, making Grandpa seamstress shake his head. Still he kept quiet. "Come in, pick some shit out, and leave, but no... I have to break the norm."

"This whining is kind of cute, Jake," Bella said, now looking up at me, chewing her lip to keep that mischievous smile off her face.

"I'm not whining, I'm stating facts," I countered.

"Uh huh."

I craned my neck to catch the time – 1:02 pm – then smirked. "Don't you have class?"

Bella stiffened, and quickly dug into her bag; her eyes widened as she stared at her cell. "Oh, _shoot,_" she hissed, making me chuckle. "Crap, um..." She was on her feet, stuffing the textbook into her bag while somehow trying to get her jacket on at the same time. Then, cheeks flushed, she turned to me with a sheepish expression. "I'll um, see you later?"

"Sure, sure. Don't get a ticket," I said against her cheek when her lips landed wrong in her hurry to get going. She just rolled her eyes and darted out of the boutique.

And there it was, the tightening of my chest as she not-so-gracefully made her way across the busy street. Still I smiled. Nobody on this sorry ass of a planet could _ever_ love her more than I did.

"Young love," the old man said under his breath.

"Right... how much longer?" The sooner I could get out of this damn place, the better.

**o~*iii*~o**

"Jake." Bella's voice was all breathless and excited when I picked up to answer my phone, leaning back against the kitchen bench.

"Hey, Bells, what's up?" I heard a dull drumming of rain in the background, and the quiet purring of a vaguely familiar engine.

"You're home, right?" she asked.

"Uh, yeah?" Where else would I be on a Wednesday evening, if not home? _With Bella?_ "Why?"

"Well, um," she laughed, as if she was about to reveal something stupid or silly, "I'm on my way down," she announced after a pause, like she couldn't believe it, and was having a bout of temporary insanity.

Huh? "Now?" I hadn't meant to sound so shocked, even if I was – and then my eyes flickered to the clock on the wall: 6:36 pm.

She exhaled, "Oh," the sound a bit anticlimactic, saying, "I should've asked first," as if to herself; she was obviously disappointed, "it can wait," she continued, more hurriedly now, as if preparing to hang up. _Wait... time out. What?_

"No, no, you don't have to ask, Bells, it's okay, uh – so when will you be here?" I sounded like a sap. Totally whipped.

_Not yet, you're not._

_Thanks. I didn't know._

"Jake, it's fine, it can wait until the weekend or something, I just...got a bit carried away and I shouldn't assume..." She trailed off.

"I'm not going anywhere," I said softly, and, hoping to rekindle her enthusiasm, asked, "What's the occasion?" To be fair, I wanted to know. Bella didn't get carried away, or, at least, not these days. She used to. But that was a _very very_ long time ago, and more often than not the outcome hadn't been so... great.

_Well __**that's**__ an understatement, if I ever heard one._

A pause, then, "You're just going to have to wait and see." The smile was back in her voice.

If I said I didn't wonder what she was up to, I'd be bullshitting. Of course I wondered. "Okay then. I'll see you... when?"

"Just passed the last intersection, coming out of Anchorage – let's say a couple of hours?"

"Sure, sure."

As always, warmth surged through me. Of course I'd be checking the time every five minutes like a goddamn school kid.

**o~*iii*~o**

Some two hours later the vintage Chevy truck pulled into my courtyard – how many times had I cursed that thing, repaired it and both hated and loved it? – just as I poked my head out from beneath India's hood.

At first I just grinned like an idiot, feeling nothing but a burst of warmth in my chest, possibly from my ego inflating just that bit extra, but mostly from the familiar fire that radiated through me like it always did when she was close.

Bella rounded the back of the truck and I realized that she'd brought something . . .

"I'm going to need your help here," she called out from behind the truck.

My mouth opened... and snapped shut. "Bella..." My voice sounded foreign, and I had, in all honesty, absolutely _no freaking clue_ what to say. _Thinking _was way above my capacity, too. At least my feet moved, and I put one in front of the other, moving down alongside the truck.

Bella released the cover, giving it a couple of pulls and tugs before revealing-

"Jake?" She paused and I just acted and pulled her to me, glancing at the beast of a bike on the truck bed.

"Ye-" I cleared the obstruction, "Yeah." I held her there, my hands finding their way beneath her shirt, needing the contact.

Her face turned to the motorcycle, then she placed her cheek over my heart. "What's wrong?"

_Hello? Anybody home?_

_Yeah. You._

_Funny, kid._

"No – I just..." Goddammit, I'd freak her out if I didn't get it together_._ "Nothing's wrong, I'm just being a girl."

"Want me to get you a skirt?" she teased, then tightened her arms around my waist as her words muffled against my shirt, "You're a big softy, Jake."

I scoffed at that. _True._ "I guess..."

"So what's up?" she wondered while feeling up my back.

Her showing up here in that truck, with a damn bike in the back was all too familiar. "I think I'd like to ask you the same thing," I said instead. "What's with the bike?"

"It's for riding." She must've known I was rolling my eyes at her since she laughed a little into my chest, then slipped out of my arms to peer up at me. Something had happened, of that much I was sure, judging from the flicker of emotion in her eyes. "I had a flashback," she told me, her smile growing, "of sorts, and...well here's what happened: I went to get my truck out of storage, and on the way back home it started raining... so I crawled – it was taking me ages to get to the other side of town – but then, there it was-" She motioned to the bike. "-with a _for sale_ sign."

Bella's eyes took on a focused but far away look. "It was raining," she started, her voice having dropped lower, "and I was driving, and then there was a house, and you were there." Suddenly she hugged herself and shivered. "It was a crappy day, but your smile – that's all I can really see, your smile – and then you were on a bike... I _think_ I was on it too..." Bella dropped her hands to slip them into her pockets, and she looked back up with a soft smile. "So there you have it – I just _had_ to buy that bike and bring it here, and... I don't know, we could go for a ride, maybe?"

As if I could say no – not that I wanted to; hell no...

...but wait. "You bought it...just like that, huh?"

Her smile turned sheepish. "Um, yeah. I mean, I couldn't _not_ buy it. And if, maybe, it helps me remember more stuff, and makes you smile, then that's worth it, right? Oh, and-"

"Honey..." I shook my head. _There she goes again._

"-the guy was _so_ happy to get rid of it he gave me a discount, especially-"

"Bells, honey-"

"-since I got all excited and went straight to the bank to get money out, and-"

Bella stiffened for all of one second when my mouth caught the last words, then she threw her arms around my neck and responded with enthusiasm, bordering on something else. I couldn't help myself, and chuckled against her lips.

"What?" she mumbled, and I was going to answer, but I'd missed her so damn much, and that, combined with her showing up here with the truck and bike? Yeah, it was hard to let go once I had her mouth under mine.

This was another one of those things I could do. I could kiss _my Bells_ and not a goddamn thing stopped me, including her. If anything she wanted more, and I felt so fucking full it hurt – until she suddenly pushed on my chest to pull back.

"No you don't," I warned against her lips, making a giggle bubble up her throat.

She sucked her breath in. "I need to breathe," she told me breathlessly.

"Breathing is overrated." I left her mouth to trail her jawline with my lips, stopping at her ear to whisper, "_Way_ overrated," causing her heart to stutter.

"Jake," she reluctantly protested. _I'm totally winning this_, I thought when she leaned into me – the poor attempts at breaking free faded – continuing with, "The bike – you should help me get it out of the truck," while her hands contradicted the request and tentatively crept up my chest.

Teasingly, I applied light pressure to the base of her neck, whispering, "Oh yeah?"

"Uh huh."

"Ah well-" I feigned total disinterest, "If you say so, honey," and pecked her lips then straightened. She blinked at me and I chuckled. "So... a bike ride, eh?" My grin couldn't be helped, taking in her flushed cheeks. _So damn adorable. _

Bella just nodded.

"At this time of the day?"

"Um... I thought you wolves had night vision," she said with a smile, and I couldn't argue with that. But then I looked toward her truck.

"Have you got a helmet? With your luck-" I got a smack, then she was pulling the door open to her truck and leaned into the cab. A helmet appeared and a proud expression flashed on her face.

"I _did_ think about this, you know," she told me and pushed the door closed with her hip. "So, what do you say?"

I let down the hatch and grabbed the bike, throwing a glance over my shoulder before lifting it down from the truck bed. Bella watched me; even though she'd had a century to get used to my strength, she still gaped at me.

"Okay," she said quietly, "maybe you _are_ a freak – at least a _little_ bit."

I laughed. "I told you."

"Yeah, um, but I don't spend enough time with you to be desensitized – God," she said under her breath and shook her head as she came up to me.

"This is a really nice bike," I said distractedly, my attention now on the body of the two-wheeled beast, then I held my hand out. "Keys," I said, and she dug into her pocket to pull them out and with a jingle she dropped them in my palm. "We're not going anywhere until I've checked it out," I told her.

"Didn't think so." She hopped up to perch on the latch to watch me as I started the engine.

I quirked a brow at her, with feigned shock saying, "It's alive – that's a start."

"Really, Jake," she said in a defensive tone, "do you think I would've brought you a dud?" She rolled her eyes as though the notion was ridiculous.

"Wouldn't be the first time," I replied, smiling as I gave the handle a bit of throttle. "_Sounds_ fine – did the guy say if he'd had any issues with it?"

"Um..." Bella gave me a blank stare, then blushed. "Oops... I didn't think to ask," she admitted and looked down to her lap, which made me laugh.

"It's okay, honey." I came to stand in front of her, tilting her chin up with a finger. "Did you at least get a log book... papers... anything?"

She sighed. "I'm not _that_ stupid, Jacob." Bella gestured vaguely toward the cab, informing me "It's on the passenger side," and I went to pull the door open.

"Guess you're not," I teased, not really thinking she was, but she was fun to tease – she'd always been like that: getting her defenses up for nothing. I had a quick look through the papers. "Yeah, okay...this thing was serviced like clockwork, I don't think there'll be a problem." She folded her arms and gave me a satisfied smile.

"See? Not completely dense," she professed happily.

"Nah, only part-time," I said, pushing my luck and grinned widely when her lips parted slightly in disbelief. I stroked my fingertips down her cheek. "Sorry, honey – you're a genius-" I held back on the laugh when she shoved my hand away, "Honestly, you are. I promise." With my rejected hand over my heart, I vowed, "I wouldn't think anything less."

"_Sure, sure,_" she mimicked my common reply, then added, "You know, being dense and being smart are two different things; I can't help it that my genial tendencies suffer frequently from the bottle effect."

"Aw, Bells... I _was_ kidding."

She sniffed lightly. "Of _course,_" she allowed, the corner of her mouth twitching, which told me I hadn't screwed up too badly.

"Can I touch you now, or do I go sulk in the garage?" I joked.

Her smile was instantaneous, then her expression grew mischievous. She grabbed my shirt and pulled. "_My _turn," she whispered when I stepped between her knees, and she tugged me down until she could put her mouth on my chin, kissing up to my bottom lip then surprising me by giving it a playful nibble.

"_Ow_-" The rest drowned somewhere between lips and tongues. _Fuck,_ what'd happened to my timid girl? Not that I was complaining. God, no, but . . .

We pulled back at the same time, struggling for breath. I rested my forehead against hers and closed my eyes.

"Um... the bike's still running," she reminded me, and I vaguely acknowledged it, trying to ignore the sensations her fingers in my hair elicited.

"Yeah," I breathed, "we should probably take it for a spin before it...gets too late." I wasn't sure whether I was referring to the time or something else entirely.

"We should," she confirmed, then dropped her hands to my chest and gave me a halfhearted shove so she could get down.

"How'd you get the bike into the truck anyway?" I wanted to know, forcing other things to the back of my mind. Or tried to, at least.

Bella pushed the latch back into place and grabbed the helmet. "_I_ didn't. The guy and his dad did..." Her words trailed off, and she gave my arm an experimental squeeze. "And they struggled... a _lot_," she managed, then dropped her hand and smirked. "You made it look like a feather in disguise."

"I'll show you _feather_," I told her in a low voice and scooped her up, making her gasp.

"Jacob!"

A small huff escaped her when I plopped her down on the bike, and I grinned. "How far do you think we'll make it on a full tank?" The gauges showed me the thing was _nearly_ full.

Bella winked at me before pulling the helmet over her head. "Only one way to find out," she suggested, then flipped the visor down, in a muffled voice adding, "Let's go," while patting the space in front of her.

"Right." I got on, taking care not to kick her in the process – I hadn't been a klutz since my teenage days, so that shouldn't happen. Though, with Bella around you could never be too sure. "Hang on tight," I instructed when her arms came around my waist, and as she did just that, her soft body pressed up against my back, making me pause . . .

"What are you waiting for?" she asked and wedged her legs against me when she put her feet on the footrests.

Deep breath. In. Out.

_How long are you planning on holding back?_

_I so don't need you giving me crap right now._

"Uh, just hold your horses, honey...I haven't been on a bike since-"

Bella stifled back a giggle. "You're cute."

"Huh."

_You **are** a girl. _

_Shut up and let me focus . . ._

Clutch, break – oh, right... "Okay. Here we go," I threw over my shoulder, then kicked off. Bella's hands clutched at my shirt when the bike shot forward, and, embarrassingly enough, I nearly lost control of the damn thing. It snapped my mind into clear focus however. "Fucking modern piece of shit," I muttered under my breath. Luckily, Bella couldn't hear that. Though, when I thought about it, she wasn't really on my back about my rough vocabulary anymore. I suppose she'd grown used to it.

I took the route south once we were out of Hope, and I was glad it had stopped raining. The roads were slick though, so I took it easy. The plan was to get off the highway, and after a few minutes I made a turn onto a smaller country road riddled with potholes. Not the best solution, but I had the hang of it now, easily maneuvering the bike to dodge the bigger bumps and dents in the old asphalt.

Eventually we were back at the shoreline, and while Bella kept her firm grip on my waist she turned to look out at the bay. Far off you could see the lights from Anchorage illuminating the hazy horizon, and the backdrop of the mountains rose up, setting one hell of a majestic view.

"Holy crap. It's so beautiful," I heard her quietly say, the comment more of a verbal thought. I was sure she didn't remember I could hear her fine over the wind whipping at us and the droning of the engine. Bella, on the other hand, wouldn't be able to hear _me_, so I just smiled.

We rode for a good hour probably, and we'd passed through another two smaller towns before I turned the bike around, sensing by Bella's loosening grip that she was growing weary. She tried to protest, but I knew better than to push it. Just to be on the safe side, perfectly in control of the bike now, I kept one arm curled over hers to stop her from letting go if she actually fell asleep on me. Except for when making turns, which required both hands on the handlebars.

Back in Hope – in my garage, more rightly – I half turned to help her off with the helmet. She gave me a drowsy smile and covered her mouth to hide a yawn.

"Oh, God...I can't drive like this," she exclaimed, dismayed.

"I wouldn't _let you_, even if you said you could," I told her and kicked the stand down before pulling her into my arms. "You're staying," I said in a no-nonsense tone, knowing she'd most likely try to argue the point, even if she'd admitted to not being able to maneuver a moving vehicle.

"I'll call Rose," she started to say, then added quickly, "Not that there's anything wrong with your house, but I, um, maybe it's better...or what do you think?"

I had to laugh. "Honey," I said softly, "you can stay wherever you want to, my place included – I've got tons of space, as you know."

Bella nodded and nuzzled into my chest. "Yeah, for all those kids," she remembered, "poor woman," she added sleepily, her voice dropping off until whatever else she said was too low for even _my_ ears to figure out.

"Poor woman, eh," I thought out loud. Whatever she meant by that, I wasn't so sure, but I guessed it had something to do with having to give birth to them all. Of course my mind had to wander in a direction I hadn't allowed myself to go, even if that bloodsucking asshole had put the images there long before I was even supposed to think about such things. _Stop right there. You're getting ahead of yourself._

_They should get her features, because you're ugly._

I laughed, making Bella stir.

_Piss off...though, you know, that's probably the funniest thing you've said to date._

_Thanks, that just makes me all gooey inside._

_You _are_ the goo, now shut up._

_They'll get black hair-_

_Hey, get a freaking clue already._

_If you get a boy, name him Bruno, I like that name._

_What the fuck is wrong with you?_

_Get her inside before she can run off to that blonde one._

With a groan I pulled the key out and shoved it into my pocket before standing from the bike to walk to the house. The wolf was getting louder and louder by the week. Maybe having gone back to phasing on a regular basis made him cocky?

Inside, I kicked my shoes off, then carried Bella to the sofa where I'd let her sleep until I could put some sheets on the spare bed in one of the many vacant rooms. It wasn't intentional to get such a big house: it sort of came with the business. And while I'd not really thought of it seriously, I _had_ considered kids – why was I still thinking about it? Fucking hell. _Get your shit out of my system, I'm not having babies anytime soon._

_You want to._

_So? _I'm _not the one who makes those decisions, you dimwit – Christ._

While I dug through the linen closet I focused on squashing wishful thinking back where it belonged, but the wolf kept giving me hell, turning the task a goddamn challenge.

I'd just shaken the pillow into its case – jeez, I sucked at this stuff, it always took me a freaking age to get it right – when I thought I heard sniffling. Then I _felt_ my chest tighten, and I was out in the living room faster than an overprotective mother fussing over her kid scuffing their knees.

Bella was on the floor in front of the bookcase, legs folded with one of Sam's photo albums in her lap. She wiped the back of her hand across her eyes, then looked up at me with wet eyes.

"Bells?"

"Quil got wasted at his wedding – look," she prompted, pointing to one of the photos. "...I'd almost forgotten about Quil – how could I forget Quil?" she blubbered and turned a page back, then another hiccup choked off a sob. "And you should've been there, but you're not in these," she cried miserably.

In a beat I had my arms around her, my chin nestled in the crook of her neck and my face pressed against her wet cheek as I settled in behind her. "Shh, honey, it's okay," I reassured gently.

"No, it's not," she protested, but she didn't try to move. Instead she turned another page while I held her tight against me. "Why didn't you go? No, wait... I don't want to know, I can't – no, tell me; it was because of us, wasn't it? Because I was a stupid girl and you missed out on so much and oh God I can't breathe-" She sucked in a shuddering breath.

_Jesus Christ. _"Bella, please don't talk like that-"

"And here I was, getting excited about flashbacks, whereas you... well, you have memories you _shouldn't_ have – that _no one_ should have-" She broke off and struggled against me to turn to meet my eyes. "And that day you asked for _my_ forgiveness, and all along _I'm _the one who should be asking for _yours_ – no-" She caught herself abruptly, and my arms fell away when she turned fully to kneel in front of me, the album forgotten as she took my face between her shaky hands.

The sudden storm of emotions that rolled off her made it difficult to talk, but it was just as well, since I could tell she wasn't going to relent until she'd gotten whatever she needed off her chest.

"I should be _begging_ for it," she said in a fierce whisper, and shook her head when I opened my mouth in spite of myself. "Yes, Jacob, I should... and you shouldn't forgive me so easily. Which makes me wonder: why do you? Is it the imprint? Is it forcing you to? God, I can't have you doing something against your will again – tell me if it is, I swear to God, Jacob..." She collapsed against me, the sobs wracking her small shoulders.

For a split second I just stared at her before I managed to pull my shit together and wrap my arms around her again.

"You should _hate_ me," she choked out.

"Honey," I whispered thickly, "I love you, okay? I _love_ you..." I couldn't think of what else to say, not understanding why she had to doubt everything all the time.

"Oh, Jacob, I _know_ you do... and it's not that, this isn't about that – I'm so sorry for my stupid mouth."

"What is it then, Bella? I don't get it – look at me," I ordered, and she let me pull her up by her arms until her face was level with mine. "You've got to listen, and I mean, really fucking listen to me."

She nodded, biting her lip.

I took a deep breath. "Don't you think I know the difference after all this time? Don't you think I've had ample fucking opportunity to learn what's true and what's bullshit?"

"Yes," she answered in a small voice, "but, Jake-"

"But fucking what? Christ, you're always second guessing everything, Bella... stop it, just fucking stop." _Fuck, __**I**__ need to stop __**snapping**__ at her, _I thought as she flinched back from my harsh verbal assault. When she tried to get free, I let her go.

"I'm second guessing because I'm unsure!" she snapped back as she pushed off the floor and started pacing. "And like you say, you're so sure of everything, you always were, that's one thing I _do_ know about you, Jacob. You were always so damn sure, and you deserve that from _me_. And... and I am not going to keep it all inside, I'm sick of keeping all my messed up thoughts inside, and you remember _everything_ about us while I... well, I hardly remember anything!"

Bella stopped to lock her eyes with mine.

"I don't remember falling in love with you, Jacob, even though I know I _am..._and I don't remember _why_ I fell in love with you, though I know that I have every reason to _be _in love with you. Jacob, you are the strongest and most beautiful person I've ever known, but I don't know how I came to know that! Can you understand how that feels? How it might make me wish I was as damn freaking sure about everything as you are, and _know_ allthe reasons behind that conclusion!"

We stared at each other. Her eyes widened with shock and she covered her mouth_._

"Don't you fucking dare apologize for that," I breathed, then got up to stand in front of her. She shook her head, but didn't remove her hand, so that gave me a chance to have my say. "You should never keep shit inside, Bella. Not with me – not ever. I don't care _how_ much you think I deserve something, but – and I'm not sorry to say this, honey, but that was never your place to decide."

"I didn't mean-"

"Yes you did, you think that by denying yourself you can atone for a shitty situation neither of us could control? Do you think I'd be better off without your messed up self? Fucking hell, you were a goddamn _zombie_ when you came to me, Bella, and I fell in love with you anyway. So don't think that I don't _see_, or _know_...I'm _aware_ of all you think about yourself, but I've always known who you _really_ are, and I love _all_ the pieces, broken or whole, it's still you all the fucking same!"

"Jake-"

"And it's exactly the same now, which tells me that you are just as much yourself as I am, because that's what you're really worried about, isn't it? You doubt it because it's too soon? Too fast? Yeah, it's fucking fast, but it's been a whole goddamn century coming."

Bella trembled where she stood, and I pulled her into my arms, glad as hell she didn't try to resist it.

"I _am_ sorry that you can't remember, honey," I continued in a softer voice. "As fucked up as our past is, it's not the quantity of the moments – which is what we had: moments – but the quality of them that count. They were ours, and they flowed, just like now. This is exactly what we were like back then..." I squeezed as tightly as I could without crushing her, and she did the same back.

"Really?" she whispered brokenly.

"Yeah... uh, well, apart from the kissing and all that... we didn't – you didn't wa-" I cut off. That didn't matter anymore. None of that crap mattered. That was then and this was now and I just didn't fucking care.

"I didn't want to," she finished for me anyway.

"Yeah," I agreed and pressed my lips to her hair.

"Do you think, maybe...could you tell me about then? I really want to know, I mean, about us."

I exhaled. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, honey."

"I love you," she whispered and placed a kiss on my shirt. "That part I'll always be sure of." Then she tilted her head to look up at me. "You don't have to tell me now though... it can wait...we've got time, right?"

I smiled at that. "Yeah we do, tons of time," I said and bent down to touch my lips to hers.

**o~*iii*~o**

Two hours later, still wide awake, though in bed, I heard the floorboards creak and turned to find Bella standing at the foot of my bed. She fidgeted with the hem of the shirt I'd lent her, which came half way down her thighs, the sleeves not much better.

"Can't sleep, huh?" I asked when she just stood there.

"No," she replied and shook her head. "I keep... it's... I feel..." An exasperated sigh slipped through her lips, then she mumbled, "You're too close but not close enough."

I scooted over and peeled back the comforter, shaking my head at her. "Come here, Bells." She was climbing into bed before I'd even finished the sentence, and I chuckled when she curled up against me and buried her face in my neck. "Couldn't really sleep myself, so this is an improvement."

"I wanted to sleep, and it's hard enough at home, but now it was even worse since you're so _close_." When I pulled the covers back up and curled my arm around her she exhaled, burrowing even closer – if that were possible – and sneaked her hand up to touch my face, my neck and down my chest until she finally just hugged me. "But yeah, this _is_ an improvement," she agreed.

Some part of me wanted to jump up and do some sort of a victory dance, while the other part was stuck on the repeat of _Bella in my bed Bella in my bed Bella is in _**_my_**_ fucking bed!_ Though it was probably better that I was dumb with awe, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"I can't believe you're in my bed... seriously? I'm having a geek moment here, like the dorky kid in those sucky teen movies who just gapes like a fool when the hottest girl in school talks to him."

Bella's breath raised goosebumps on my skin when she giggled into my neck. "You really _are _a geek," she corrected teasingly.

I scoffed. _And you're definitely the hot girl, _I wanted to say, but it's not the kind of thing you tell the girl you've been in love with for the past hundred something years. Not at a time like this, at least. Besides, I'd already bruised my pride by admitting that analogy. "Yeah, well, being a geek doesn't suck too bad; you're in bed with me, aren't you?" _Yeah, stop obsessing over it now._

_See? You do it plenty well without my help._

_Jesus. Don't you start._

_She might..._

I took a deep breath. God, give me patience.

"Maybe I've got a thing for dorks," she suggested with a yawn. "Oops, sorry."

"Uh huh, but we always knew you were strange though, didn't we?"

"If that gets me you, then I'll be the proudest weirdo in history," she vowed in earnest, and I tried not to laugh. "Oh, go on, Jacob, I know you want to."

I shook my head. "Nah, I'm gonna be good now, and let you sleep."

Bella let out a soft snort. "You, good? Yeah, right."

"I'm very well behaved, honey... go to sleep," I ordered, not adding the part about all the things I _could_ do. But, as it were, I think she got the hint. Having her soft body so tightly pressed against mine was bound to cause implications sooner or later.

"Um..."

"Shh, Bells. Sleep," I repeated quietly, praying I'd be able to do so myself, until my silent wish was scattered when she shifted slightly and my breath stuck in my throat. "Honey," I begged in a tight voice. "I'm well behaved, but I'm not a saint."

"Sorry," she whispered, but I heard the smile in her voice.

_Christ, did she **want** me to rip her clothes off?_

_That would be fun._

The groan couldn't be helped when she turned in my arms – _again_ nudging me, but _fuck_ her ass was too freaking soft and..._please, God, please, just let me go to sleep, _I pleaded.

"I'm just, um, trying to-" Bella cut off with a light gasp when I grabbed her hip to keep her still, not having had the intention to push her against me in the same go, but it happened all the same.

"_Fuck_... just..." Forming sentences was apparently a challenge, and I squeezed my eyes shut, taking a deep breath.

"Potty mouth," she whispered.

"Well... _damn_, honey."

"I'll be good, too... you can, um, let go," she said, and I released her hip but slipped my hand beneath the shirt instead to stroke the soft skin of her stomach, needing _something_ to occupy my hands with.

For a few minutes I did just that, while listening to her breathing and waiting for the telltale sign that she'd fallen asleep. And just as I was about to pass out from relief, I caught the scent; I was so fucking sure I'd die right there if I didn't do something about it.

Bella stayed still though, except for her fingertips trailing up and down my hand and wrist in lazy motions, which told me she wasn't far off sleep. I'd just try and stick it out. But, fuck, it was going to be a _long night._

**o~*iii*~o**

When my alarm went off that following morning I woke to an empty bed, and I didn't need to get up to know she'd left. I did, however, find a note in the kitchen, together with a happy Sam, having his share of the breakfast Bella'd left us.

From that day forward, sleeping alone became one hell of a struggle. Sam, of course – Embry, too, decided to join in – continued nagging at me to sit Bella down and really talk about these things. One thing was for damn sure: I wasn't totally alien to the idea anymore.

_Something's gotta give, _I thought.

Between work and all the other obligations, I did manage to keep myself in check, and then there was Bella's "twenty-first" birthday coming up, which was a big thing. Blondie and Nessie tried to drag me into the middle of the planning, but I didn't know what to contribute with, so mostly I just listened. Until I couldn't take all the dirty jokes and suggestive hints they kept dropping – since when did the women in my life hang out in the gutter? Leah excluded; she'd always been a crude bitch – and walked away, leaving them laughing at me.

**o~*iii*~o**

The following Wednesday I was up in Anchorage again, picking up the finished suit. While we waited for the card machine to process the payment, the old guy eyed me suspiciously. I knew exactly why, though.

We hadn't seen each other since the night Bella had spent in my bed. She had a very busy schedule with school, and work had been crazy.

After one week apart I wasn't exactly steady.

I'd have to come up with some other term for this issue, as a druggie with withdrawal symptoms just didn't quite cut it anymore. I was walking the plank, and soon I'd run out of space. Either I had to go back, or take the plunge. Going back wasn't an option – the mere thought was too much.

Fuck. This was turning me into a whiny little kid.

I had to talk to Bella, and we needed to come to some sort of a temporary solution at least. This weekend – we'd sit down and talk it through this weekend, since she'd be staying down in Hope anyway.

_You keep saying that._

_Get out of my head if you don't like the tune. If you knew Bella as well as I do, you'd be deliberating, too. You're supposed to be the Bella-fan, all about her and what she needs – out of touch lately, buddy?_

_Yes. Literally. _

_Oh, Jesus, here we go. You know what? Just shut up._

Payment down and one penguin-suit later I was at a cafe in downtown Anchorage, waiting for Bella to meet me after school. We'd grab something to eat before she had to go to her study group. I had a few other things to take care of in the meantime, but I'd stop by her flat before going back to Hope later this evening.

How does someone you've known and hated with a passion for a century sneak up on you? I don't know how he did it, but he did.

"Jacob." The cultured voice made me look up from my paperwork, and I looked at him with a dumb expression on my face. That he had the goddamn nerve to talk to me was what did it.

"Edward," I acknowledged in a civil manner. _That's all you get from me, asshole – oh wait, you can't read my mind anymore. Sucks to be you, I guess._

The douche actually smiled at me. "You are your cheerful self, I see."

"Why wouldn't I be?" I replied with forced enthusiasm. "The lack of stench with increased privacy as an added bonus."The guy never knew how to take a hint, so instead of moving along – we'd done the polite thing, hadn't we? What else was there left to say? – he stayed put.

"I'm glad things are working out for you, Jacob, I really am," he continued instead, like I cared about his state of mind.

"That makes two of us." _Go away._

"Well, I'll leave you to it – give my regards to-"

"Edward?" Bella's surprised voice cut into the grand farewell-speech, and I felt my entire body relax. Then I stiffened when she gave him a hug. Whatever inner string of curses I mouthed off drowned when the wolf snarled in my head.

"Hello, Bella – you look well," the deadbeat complimented, like the good old friend, and I forced myself to look down at the work-related papers so I wouldn't get off my chair and rip his head off.

"You too," Bella returned with a smile in her voice.

The past was just too damn ugly and full of this shit that it was all I could do to refrain from the insane need to get in his face and tell him to back off.

_Mine mine mine._

_Damn fucking right about that._

"Jacob?"

I looked up to find Bella watching me worriedly, then noticed that Edward was walking off to join some petite little blonde on the other side of the room. Instantly the twitch in my muscles died down. My eyes went back to Bella.

_One fucking week._

I got off the chair and pulled her into my arms, trying damn hard not to roam my hands all over her body – that'd be inappropriate, but fuck, I needed to feel her.

"Hey, Bells," I said quietly against her cheek before taking her face between my palms and assaulting her smiling mouth with a kiss I was sure was on the verge of being indecent exposure. I didn't fucking care.

Bella inhaled raggedly when I pulled away, then placed a soft kiss on her forehead before hugging her to me again.

"Missed you too," she whispered with a soft laugh.

"Yeah... let's not do this again, honey, I can't take it."

She looked up at me when I released her. "It's a deal," she promised and reached up to land a kiss on my jaw. "Now... let's eat. I'm starving."

Bella didn't exaggerate, and watching her wolf down – there wasn't a better term for it – her meal slowed down my own usual shovel-and-swallow routine.

"I should've ordered the same," I teased when she had her mouth full of food. She rolled her eyes, but for obvious reasons didn't answer. "Want me to order another one?"

Bella shook her head while covering her mouth, laughingly saying in a muffled voice, "No, I'm full."

"Could've fooled me."

She finished chewing. "I didn't eat lunch," she said glumly, which made me cock a brow, and she went on to explain, "My tutor – remember that Swedish guy? – he kept me overtime, going through these dumb mathematical problems that just didn't want to stick. I tried to tell him I'd think better after some food, but he's such a slave driver." Bella puffed her cheeks full of air then let it out.

"Want me to set him straight?" I offered a bit too eagerly.

Laughing, she shook her head. "No. I need the tutoring, really, but, yeah... ugh."

"Get another tutor then," I suggested, "if he's that much of a pain in the ass."

"I would, Jake, but as much as I wish he wasn't, he _is_ at the top of our class, and I just need to learn how to grin and bear it." She shrugged and gave me a wry smile. "Enough about that – what are those," she asked, pointing to the pile of documents I'd set aside once we'd sat down to order.

"Contracts mostly – we're switching to a different company to handle some deliveries. I can't wait weeks for parts to arrive. That and I've got a meeting later for a restoration job – it's actually an exact same model as India, which will be easy. I know them like the back of my hand."

Bella leaned forward on her elbows. "Speaking of India..."

I busted out a laugh, seeing her intentions all too clearly. "Now, honey," I started, "when it comes to a guy and his car...there're some things you just can't affect."

"Embry let's Nessie drive _his_ baby," Bella pointed out with a slight pout.

I was glad we were in public when I gently told her, "Yeah, Bells, but Nessie's basically a guy in a girl's body, and she knows just as much about cars as I do..." Judging by Bella's pursed lips and folded arms I let my explanations die off.

"So teach me," she said evenly and I nearly choked, her expression showing no signs of humor or that she was pulling my leg.

I blinked. "You want me to – what?"

"Teach me how to fix a car. Show me what's under the hood, what an alternator does and how to change an oil filter – teach me," she challenged.

"Did you just say _alternator_?" I asked, staring at her like she was a kid who'd just said her first word. Or, like the woman I loved and just fell in love with a little bit more because I was a complete tool for getting excited about the way she'd said _alternator._

_Somebody has fried their brain._

Her brows knitted, confused. "Um, yeah?"

"Uh... yeah, okay, I can teach you... Sure, sure, no problem. When do we start?" _Wait – what?_ "Just... say it again."

Bella laughed. "You're being a geek again, Jake," she teased.

I shrugged, grinning. "Come on... put me out of my misery," I said half jokingly.

She leaned forward with a thoughtful look on her face. "How about..." I rested my forearms on the table and leaned closer, too, when she wiggled a finger at me, then continued in a low voice, "...you tell me whatever happened with that master cylinder you told me about on the beach that day."

"_Fuck-_" Her warm lips cut me off when she pressed them into mine, and I reached up to cup her cheek in one hand. "More flashbacks?" I wondered in a quiet whisper.

"I saw this picture of you in that album, it said you were fourteen beneath it," she explained around our slow-moving lips, and added, "I think I was jealous of your skin... and _this,_" She emphasized by running her fingers through my hair.

"Weirdo." I chuckled.

"Geek."

"I'm done, are you done?" I asked and pulled back reluctantly; if this continued we'd get thrown out of the cafe.

"Yeah." Bella glanced at her plate which wasn't empty yet, but nodded. "Yeah," she repeated. "Let's go."

**o~*iii*~o**

Later that evening . . .

"Bells?"

She stirred where she was curled up against my side, the textbook on her lap long forgotten. I stroked the hair out of her face, finding her eyes closed, and shook my head, smiling. It was late, and I'd stopped by, just like I'd planned, to spend time with her before I had to drive back to Hope. As was pretty usual, I ended up staying way longer than I should.

When Bella'd finished her study group I'd met up with her outside her apartment complex, but she'd informed me that she had a ton of homework, so she'd understand if I wanted to go home. Yeah, right. As if I'd pass up the opportunity to spend time with her, even if it involved just relaxing next to her on the sofa while she poured over textbooks and charts and Christ knows what else.

I'd had plenty of paperwork myself to go through, which kept me busy when I wasn't distracting her with questions to clarify the things she thought out loud.

"All right, honey, let's get you to bed." I pulled her into my arms and got off the sofa – she was already in her PJ's, so if I could manage not to wake her that'd be ace – to carry her to bed.

Words muffled against my shirt, "Don't go yet," as her fingers clutched weakly at the fabric, making me pause in the doorway to her bedroom. _So much for subtlety._

"It's late-"

"Stay the night," she suggested in a sleep-riddled voice and turned her face into my neck; her mouth moved over my skin when she repeated, "Stay with me..." A wave of warmth shot through me.

I pressed my lips to her hair. "Okay," I replied quietly, knowing full well there wasn't a damn thing that could make me leave if she wanted me here. After I'd set her down on the edge of the bed, and told her, "Night, honey," she caught the edge of my shirt to stop me.

"I meant _with _me."

"Huh?" As in... her_ bed?_

_And you call _**_her_**_ dense?_

When her droopy eyes settled on my face she let out a giggle, stifled back by a yawn. "God, Jake, I'm not going to make you sleep on the sofa." She threw her arm out behind her, patting lazily. "Here," she said in a lowered voice, "next to me."

"Right." I wasn't going to argue with that, and another drowsy giggle slipped out of her when I started pulling the shirt over my head, but then paused to ask, "Shirt on or off?"

"Um... off?" she hedged. I smirked and then threw it at her. Didn't expect her to start cuddling it though, which made me pause again with my hands on my belt.

"Uh, Bells... What are you doing?"

"It smells nice," she said in a defensive tone, peering at me over the scrunched up ball she kept sniffing, like it was the greatest thing ever.

I shook my head. "Jeez, you're not only a weirdo, but a freaking nutcase, too."

"I _am _Bella Swan, after all," she informed me, as if that explained everything.

"And tired," I concluded and rolled my eyes when she hugged the shirt closer, as if to protect it. "Okay, that's enough." I snatched the shirt from her hands, and then had her wrists pinned above her head and my knees on either side of her hips. With a cocked brow I told her, "You know substance-abuse will fry your brain, right?"

She wriggled a little to break free, but then stilled, her eyes narrowing. "Maybe," she thoughtfully said, and continued, "Unless the brain in question is protected."

"Ha. No," I warned, "nothing can save you from yourself."

Her bottom lip came out and she feigned a frown. "Are you saying I smell?"

"Eh, what...?" _What did I miss?_

She was grinning now though. "Harmful snorting, can't be saved from myself 'cause it's that bad...?"

I groaned. Christ, her sense of humor was weird. "Hmm." I lowered my face to run my nose from the hollow of her throat to the soft skin beneath her ear, quietly assuring, "Nope. All good." Then I felt her sniffing me back – my cheek, more like it – and I breathed a laugh.

"Yep," she said, as if to confirm a question I hadn't heard. "Much better than your shirt, which means you're staying right here."

I pulled back a little, studying her skeptically. "Oh, yeah?"

She nodded, and then pursed her lips. "But, um, it might be difficult to sleep like this," she said and glanced up at my arms, and then down between our bodies; her brows pulled into a thoughtful frown. "Yeah... difficult," she decided.

"Oh." I pretended to be disappointed, even though I was anything but, having picked up on the now erratic patter of her heart. "So you wanna sleep, huh?" I challenged.

"That's the general idea, yeah," she quietly replied. I didn't need to see her swallowing, I heard it, and then, in a stutter, she wondered, "I um... I mean, that's why I'm in bed, isn't it?"

"Beds aren't exclusively for sleeping, Bells..." I watched the color creep up her neck and into her face. _Don't bite off more than you can chew._

_Mine._

Why wasn't I disagreeing?

_You want her._

_No shit, Sherlock._

_So take._

_Take...? You're a living anachronism. Seriously... **take**? Jesus._

"Oh?" Bella shifted slightly, her hip brushing against my knee as she twisted in my grip, and subtly prompted, "What then?"

"Tons of stuff," I said and crossed her wrists so I could move one hand to pick the hair out of her face. I didn't let her go though, but she didn't seem to mind.

"Such as?" she asked, her breath catching when I ran my fingers down her neck. I gave a slight shrug.

"Watching TV," I suggested as my hand slipped between her breasts, causing another hitch in her breathing. Her eyes held mine, and I wasn't planning on looking elsewhere, wanting not only to _feel_ if I went too far. Besides, it seemed to turn her on even more that I refused to look away.

"Watching TV," she reflected, mulling it over. "How about-" She faltered when I shoved her nightshirt up. "Um, pillow fights?" she breathlessly wondered, and I felt my mouth twitch into a smile.

"Those work too," I agreed, skimming her now-bare waist, down the swell of her hip and up across her stomach which, as my eyes briefly flickered down, rose and fell, just as her chest did. I added, "If you're not tired, that is."

"Oh, I'm not," she quickly said.

"Yeah?" I looked at her face again, sliding my hand around her waist and feeling my way up along her back; she arched up a little and shook her head.

"No," she breathed, biting her lip when my fingers caught the clasp of her bra. "Not tired."

"Huh. So... no sleeping then, I guess?" I unclasped the hook and her breathing grew shallow as I withdrew my hand, moving it across her ribs.

She mouthed, "No," and then swallowed, repeating, "No, sleep is—" Lightly and slowly I traced along the curve under her breast. "_Jake,_" she pleadingly whispered instead, and if I said I'd been waiting a lifetime to have my name on her lips like that I wouldn't be lying. It did amazing things to my insides and, as much as I was enjoying all the reactions I managed to get out of her, I knew I couldn't keep this up for long.

"Yeah, honey?" I watched the flicker of emotion in her eyes, bending closer to her face as I stroked across the swell of her breast.

"Please," she whimpered, and it was all I could fucking do not to just grab her and rip her clothes off. _I'm controlling this. Don't you fucking dare. She's _**_mine_**_, got it?_ Never mind that I was so hard it was pure pain, but this was _my Bells_, and I'd be damned if I'd manhandle her just because a part of me told me to just _claim her take her she's yours._

Instead I leaned in to rub my nose along her jaw while sliding the pad of my thumb over her taut nipple, making her gasp and arch into my touch, pushing her full breast into my palm, and _fuck I want her so freaking badly._

"Honey," I whispered thickly. _I love you and want you and need you so much, but you've got to go easy on me 'cause I've got no idea how _**_not_**_ to just- _"Fuck," I choked out when her knee nudged my groin.

"Let me touch you," she begged in a hoarse voice. "I want to touch you, Jake, please..."

I sucked in a sharp breath and exhaled slowly, squeezing my eyes shut. "Bells..." Whatever blood was left in my brain had rushed south the moment she begged to touch me. I couldn't even _think_ let alone— "Fuck it." I released her wrists and immediately she raised herself as I straightened to fumble with the belt buckle.

Her nightshirt and bra were off faster than I thought possible, but I didn't really have time to stop and reflect as she was on her knees, hands fisting my hair to drag my face down to crush her mouth against mine. I didn't waste any time and as soon as I had my jeans undone I shoved out of them and grabbed Bella's ass when I climbed back on the bed, pulling her tight against my body.

"Dammit, honey," I breathed roughly against her feverish kisses. _Shit she's so warm and her breasts so fucking soft _and I had to have her or I'd go insane.

A startled noise rushed from her lips when I lifted her and pulled her legs around my waist, now settled on my knees in the middle of the bed. I swore I nearly lost it the moment the heat between her legs pressed against my toohard dick. And then she _moved_ and I didn't know what to do anymore.

A string of words mixed with my name tumbled out of her mouth in between the jumble of our lips and tongues, and then I cussed, "Fuck," as she flinched from my too tight grip on her hips. "I'm sorry, honey, shit—"

"Shh, it's okay, baby, I'm okay, shh." Her hands stroked down my front while she worked open-mouthed kisses across my jaw, neck and chest. I dug my hands into her hair, stopping her when she starting moving lower across my stomach.

"Bells?" I managed in a strained voice.

"Yeah?"

My heart was pounding against my ribs. "What are you doing?" Then her hands fell to the waistband of my boxers, tugged downward and— "Oh, Jesus." It was going to be over so damn fast, and the last thing I wanted was to blow my wad before I'd even gotten a chance to touch her. "Wait, honey, wait." Inhale. Exhale. Slowly.

"I want to," she whispered, looking up at me through her lashes. I groaned. _Damn, if you only knew how sexy you are._

"Come here," I said, and reluctantly she let me pull her up my body, one hand still in her hair. Then I tugged gently, tilting her head back to press my mouth to hers, and with the other I stroked and caressed her side, up across her breast, making her moan. I pulled back then, and rested my forehead against hers, my breaths all chopped up. "Let me first," I asked, pressing a tender kiss to the tip of her nose, and lowered her down until she was on her back.

"Are you okay, Jake?"

"Uh-huh," I assured quickly, already shoving at her pajama bottoms.

"You're trembling," she said gently, and I met her eyes.

"Yeah, but I'm okay, Bells, don't worry." _You just make me want you so fucking badly, _but I didn't say that – _wouldn't_ say that. Instead I pulled her pants down and flung them off the bed, and _whoa, holy fuck..._

Deep breath. In. Out. _Oh fuck. _The scent of her arousal hit me like a freaking ton of bricks, making my head spin.

"Jake?"

"Yeah?"

She grabbed my hand, placing it on her stomach and then held it there. I bent down and pressed tiny kisses across her shoulder, collarbone, down over the blush on her chest.

"You can... I mean... You, um – your senses... I – oh, God, I sound like an idiot." She let out an exasperated sigh. Man, oh man she was too freaking cute. A century old and still stammered about these things.

"Yeah, honey," I confirmed, relieving her of the embarrassment, "I can smell you." Then I looked up at her flaming cheeks, and finally met her gaze again. "I fucking love it, Bells, don't be embarrassed."

She exhaled, "Oh," and then smiled shyly, "okay."

"You're beautiful," I told her, moving my hand from beneath hers, stroking lower and... "Where'd they go?" I turned and blinked stupidly, staring down between her legs. Did she take them off while I was dazed?

"Um, I pulled them down at the same time you pulled my jammies down," she admitted sheepishly.

I swallowed. "Bella..." And then scooted downward, feeling along her body as I went, my lips brushing lightly across her skin.

"Uh-huh?"

"So fucking amazing," I mumbled into her breast before closing my mouth over the soft swell.

"_Oh—oh..._" One knee pulled up and she wedged her thigh against my side as I licked and carefully sucked her nipple in between my teeth. Her soft whimpers and moans only egged me on more, and slowly—_so damn slowly—_I lowered my hand down between her legs. She sucked in a sharp breath.

"_Jacob..._"

"Bells, Bells, Bells—_fuck_ you're wet." My dick ached as my fingers slid between her slick folds and_ holy fuck so hot... _It was going to be so difficult to resist just burying myselfinside her_. _

Before the idiot wolf could make me act like an animal, I continued lower.

_You want to just take her so take her._

_What I want is to take your head off, but that would fuck me over so shut up._

I was running out of space, so in a quick tug, making Bella gasp, I grasped her ass and had her closer to the edge. She looked down at me with glazed eyes.

"You okay on the floor?" she asked, the mix between concern and need so damn sexy.

I smiled up at her. "I'm great, honey," I said and placed a kiss to the inside of her thigh. She shoved her hands into her hair and fell back down.

"_God_, Jake, you're..."

Still smiling, I trailed more kisses up her leg, grazed across the soft hairs with my nose. "I'm what?" I whispered, making her shudder.

"Nothing... nothing, just – holy _crap!_" she gasped when I, in one firm stroke, licked across her sex, not stopping until I reached her navel, at which point she was babbling incoherently and twisting her hands feebly in my hair.

"You like that, huh?" It was pretty obvious, but I couldn't get enough of her voice, all strangled by emotion.

"_God, _Jake, _yes._"

I couldn't get enough of her, _period, _and returned to press a heated kiss right over her clit, which made her thighs clamp together and her hips tremble. _Oh fuck yeah, I could die right here and be a happy man._

_Imagine how much happier you'd be _**_inside_**_ her._

_Patience is a goddamn virtue—_

_No it isn't; I've been cursed by your patience for a century._

_**My** patience? Oh, you know what? Just shut up, you whiny bitch._

_Takes one to know one, I guess._

I ignored him to lap at the wetness, grabbing a hold of her perfect, round ass in my hands, to keep her steady when I plunged my tongue inside her. And there it was, that sweet and so damn awesome chant of my name: _Jacob Jacob, oh God, my Jacob, _Bella repeated, over and over, as I all but fucked her with my tongue.

Her feet had somehow come to rest on my shoulders, but when I reached around one leg to rub her clit with my thumb, the tremors I drew from her body made her slip, and next thing I knew she had me locked between her thighs – I sure as hell didn't mind.

"Oh, Jake... Jacob... don't stop" – she choked back a moan – "don't stop, baby, don't stop – oh shit, I'm gonna come" – _fuck yeah,_ I could _feel_ her tensing up – "_don't stop, Jake, I'm coming, oh God, I'm coming—_" A gasp-like sob cut her off and she pulled at my hair _hard_ as she arched into me, and shit I was throbbing and aching_, _and so fucking painfully_ close _I had to squeeze my eyes shut while I tried not to come right then and there.

_Now. Take her now. _

_Oh Jesus, shut the hell up already._

I took my hand away and stroked her thighs gently, but still kept my mouth and my tongue between her legs, just licking and kissing, careful not to put too much pressure on her clit, even if I liked how she shook when I did so by sheer greediness.

"You taste so fucking good, I can't stop," I whispered.

"Come here," she asked in a cracked voice, and I looked up at her... _Fuck._

"Goddammit, you're..." I pressed my lips one more time to hers, and wiped at my mouth and chin before I hungrily kissed my way up her body. "...just too beautiful, honey, _fuck_ I love you."

She exhaled a shaky breath, her glassy eyes struggling to focus. "I love you, too, Jake. _So_ much."

"Uh-huh, I bet." I couldn't help grinning like an idiot – what with the mess of her hair and the flushed face – and she scoffed at me halfheartedly. I dropped down on one elbow and a shiver shot down my spine when the wet heat of her pressed against my stomach; I pulsed and ached and needed to be inside her right _now_.

Her voice was low and tender when she quietly said, "Jacob?" causing my heart to thud crazily.

"Yeah, Bells?" With my free hand I caressed her soft stomach and breasts, capturing her nipple every so often to lightly twist between my fingers.

Bella just gazed at me, like she was trying to figure something out, and I dipped my head to place a brief kiss on her lips, and then pulled back again.

"I'll only be a minute, okay?" she announced, out of the blue, "I've just gotta get something," and wriggled away from me to slip off the bed. She was out of the room before I could form a response.

"Okay..."

I heard her go into the bathroom and decided not to eavesdrop. Instead I moved up and dropped onto my back. Reaching into my boxers, I groaned, "_Christ_," pulled my hand back out to wipe on my leg, and then clasped it with the other behind my head. _Going to be real nice wearing these fucking things tomorrow._

_Whine whine whine._

_What's _your _problem?_

_You._

_Why?_

_You're a wimp._

I sputtered a laugh, and then caught myself. _Shut up, you're turning me into a mental case._

"What's so funny?"

"Huh? Oh, just talking to myself—the usual." I shrugged, but sat up quickly. _Bella is naked. Right in front of me. And I haven't fucked her yet. _I groaned._ Stop obsessing!_

_No. Not until you've claimed her._

_Seriously, buddy, what the hell's wrong with you? Claiming? Taking? Are you fucking nuts?_

"Jake?"

"Yeah, what?" I scooted over to the edge of the bed, dropping my feet to the floor just as she stepped in between my knees. My heart skipped, my stomach flipped and whatever blood had begun to retreat rushed back down with a vengeance when she climbed up to straddle my lap. I swallowed. "Uh, Bells?" I rubbed the back of her thighs and up across her ass lightly as she pressed her body against mine. A jolt cut straight through me when she tugged my hair, making me, if possible, ache even more.

"I want you. I want to make love to you," she said calmly and evenly, her eyes on mine. I just stared at her blushing face for a moment, totally dazed. Then I choked when her hand reached into my boxers to wrap around me. "Now, Jacob," she murmured against my mouth, adding, "Let me make you feel good."

_Uh... hello... What was I thinking?_

_Take._

I heard myself say, "I don't have any condoms—"

"I've got it covered," she interrupted, her mouth still on mine, but not kissing me. "That's what I was, um, doing in the bathroom." Her hand firmly stroked downward and _fuck fuck fuck- _

_Yes. _

_No!_

She gasped when my fingers dug into her legs, and I could feel the tremors rolling through me as I fought the primal urge in my veins telling me to do what I was supposed to do... _What the hell? _ _Don't you dare, I'll shoot myself if she gets hurt._

_Ouch. Messy._

_And she's mine, goddammit, not yours. Mine! I want __**my**__ body to be mine, too, so fuck off._

"Oh_ shit_," I rasped out when she gave me a few shallow pumps, but _fuck_ she was so_ good_ at it. "Jesus, Bella..."

"_My_ Jacob," she said possessively, "_only_ mine," and then her tongue slipped into my mouth, and she kissed me hard and deep. Blazing desire rushed hot in my veins and I just knew I couldn't resist her anymore. I had to have her. I had to be _inside._

"I want you," I told her in a fierce whisper. "You still want to?"

"_Yes_," she immediately replied.

"Come here, then." I circled her waist and reached down to clutch her ass, lifting her to me so I could shove my boxers off – it required skill I didn't have when in a rush, but I managed – then moved one hand to grab my dick while she clung to my arms. Our eyes met. "And, uh... just so you know—" I slid my tip over her wet folds. "This is going to be over pretty fucking fast."

We both shuddered as just the head slipped into her, and _shit. So. Hot._

"Been a while, huh?" she managed in a breathy voice.

Then a little further, and it wasn't only hot and wet, but_ oh so_ _fucking tight._

"Uh... You could say that – tell me if it hurts, honey," I instructed, trying hard to not just _drive into her_, like all my instincts told me to, but this wasn't about that. This was about her and me – Jake and Bells. Fuck the wolf. Fuck the imprint.

"_Oh_," she gasped, a tiny sob making her voice crack as she pushed herself down. I cussed, sliding almost all the way home, and squeezed my eyes shut, feeling tightness and heat and everything _Bella_ wrapping around me and—

"_Holy fucking shit._" I held her still and put my face in the crook of her neck, taking deep, slow breaths. "Christ, honey, why'd you do that?" I wondered in a strangled voice. "Stay still and just... _don't_ move." _Just one minute, that's all I'm asking. One fucking minute._

The wolf was completely silent, even though I still felt its urges coursing through me.

"It's okay, Jacob." Bella stroked her small hands up over my arms and shoulders. "It's all right," she soothed, adoringly touching the sides of my neck and my face, adding, "And you feel _so good._" I felt her trembling and knew she was adjusting, but she was putting on a brave show. So typically _Bella._

"Okay," I breathed, feeling some semblance of control and flexed my fingers away from her hips. We winced at the same time. "Shit – sorry," I mumbled into her neck.

She shook her head and placed a kiss on my ear, whispering, "No, no, it's fine." Then she did an experimental wiggle, and I thrust into her helplessly, making both of us moan. _Jesus, I'm an animal but fuck that felt good._ I took a firm hold on her ass, lifting her just slightly, and then she pushed back down... slowly.

"_Bella.._." The tension building, the pressure so sweet and perfect and _oh holy Mary mother of Jesus and fuck so good. _

"Um, yeah?" she breathed, and lifted again, and lowered and lifted and lowered and I slowed her down, but _shit_ I wasn't going to make it one minute, and her soft breasts and hard nipples rubbed against my chest, and _that _together with the too fuckingtight and wet sheath around me movingand sliding and squeezing and...

_...notgonnamakeitnotgonnamakeit— _"Oh _fuck _I've gotta, I mean I'm gonna—_oh holy shit, _honey, just come here—" I caught her parted lips, and held her mouth firmly to mine with one hand cupping her neck and clutched her closer with the other and pushed her down and faster and deeper and harder until I couldn't hold and with one last shove pulsed inside her . . .

My chest was still heaving as the fog in my brain started to clear, and I could feel Bella's hands slipping down my arms when she tried to steady herself. She rested her forehead against my chest, her own breathing ragged.

"Bells," I managed in a hoarse whisper, lowering my hands to her clammy thighs.

"Yeah—um—just a—give me a—" Was all she managed between pants. One finger came up, asking for a moment, and dropped back down to place both her hands over mine. I hoped to hell I hadn't hurt her while getting carried away... _Christ._

With unsteady hands I grabbed her ass and lifted her off me carefully, making us both shudder at the loss. Instead I pulled her down next to me on the bed. Her hair was sticking to her face, and I wiped it away while dropping soft kisses to each inch I could get to. Seeing and feeling her like this made something inside me swell until it obstructed my throat and I couldn't talk, even if I wanted to tell her how much I loved her and fucking adored her and wanted to spend the rest of my life making her happy.

"I love you," she finally said, her voice rough and thick with emotion, and I paused to pull her as close as was physically possible, holding her there.

"Love you too, honey." Each and every cell in my body loved her.

"I'm not sure I can let you go at all now," she mused.

"Jeez, dirty woman. This was all I had to do, huh?"

"Um, yeah, there goes my secret," she mockingly said, and then struggled upward a bit until she faced me. "What I meant was... You've been in my bed, and after all the trouble I had sleeping since _last_ week from sleeping in _your_ bed..." The words dropped off as I stared at her.

"You're feeling it too," I said, disbelievingly. Of course she did. How dumb was I on a scale from one to ten? For a brief moment she just watched me while I kept gazing at her flushed cheeks and glassy eyes, and I realized – not that I'd wanted anything less before – that if I couldn't go to sleep like this and wake up to it I'd lose it. Like, totally fucking lose it. "If you were any smaller I'd just put you in my pocket and bring you home with me. I fucking mean that."

_Oh. Classy. What a way with words._

Bella burst into a fit. "Holy crap," she gasped.

"What?" I asked, a little defensive. "I'm serious – unless you want me to just throw you over my shoulder like the neanderthal that I am." And I shifted to capture her face, stroking her pink cheeks. "I'm serious. I can't handle the distance, Bella. I need you with me."

She just smiled, and leaned in to kiss me. Bewildered at her lack of reaction, besides the giggle fit, I didn't respond right away, until she told me, "I _agree_ with you, Jake. I want that, too," at which point I pulled her beneath me and caught her gasp with my mouth and renewed desire.

"I'm so fucking hungry," I told her fiercely, and she blinked.

"Huh?"

I parted her thighs, already so damn hard again. "For you, Bells," I whispered, and her lips shaped into an O. "Totally freaking starving."

Bella sneaked her hands up to touch my face. "Well, I'm yours, Jacob, so you can have whatever you want."

That did it, and the fire that shot through my veins set her skin blazing against mine. In one sure movement I buried myself inside her again, and pulled her with me as I rolled onto my back. "Fuck you're beautiful," I told her under my breath.

A sexy little smile played on her lips. "You too... Well, um, sort of – for a guy." I was going to remind her it wasn't the first time she'd said it, until she cut off my ability to form words by lifting and pushing back. "You like that?" she asked playfully.

"Dammit, Bells, yes – don't fucking stop."

_**Now** you're whipped._

**o~*iii*~o**


	20. Alpha & Omega

_**Disclaimer****: Twilight belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

* * *

_Do you know that everyday is the first of the rest of your life? / You can tell me all your thoughts about the stars that fill polluted skies. And tell me where you run to when no one's left to take your side. But don't tell me where the road ends, 'cause I just don't want to know. No, I don't want to know. / "Angels on the Moon," by Thriving Ivory_

* * *

**Alpha & Omega**

* * *

**o~*iii*~o**

_**September 2105**_

Bella.

That's what I woke up to. Sounds of Bella. Smells of Bella and... just _everything_ Bella...

...and food.

My stomach made a scary, gurgling noise that nearly had me bolting out of bed until the stiffness in my body stopped me, and I dropped back down with a grunt. "_Ungh... Fug..._" I lifted my head and squinted at the pillow. _Jeez. I'm drooling now, too?_

_Rise and shine._

_Nope._

_You need food._

_I need Bella._

_That, too... but food first, Bella later._

_I don't like that order._

Then it dawned on me that Bella was talking, but since I didn't hear anyone else's voice I concluded she was on the phone.

I'd not felt so freaking drained in – I didn't know how long. But the images that came flooding back gave me a sweet reminder. Not that I needed one... _fucking great._ I wondered what Bella would think about me crossing her living room, sporting morning wood.

_Only one way you'll find out._

Where were my boxers? I crawled feebly to the edge of the bed to look down. Shit. _All_ my clothes were missing. Now I was up – not in that way, well, I was – and I pushed off the bed, swaying slightly.

"_Whoa... _head-spin." _Jesus, go away,_ I ordered, then took stock of my surroundings. Unless I was about to make an idiot of myself and use Bella's bathrobe – _not fucking likely_ – I simply had to walk out there and she'd just have to accept it. She'd taken my clothes, so it's not like I had much choice in the matter.

Bella was on the phone in the kitchen when I crossed the living area. Her mouth popped open and she just stared. A smirk curled my lips when I heard the voice on the other side of the line ask if she was still there. _I'm so not sorry._

I took the liberty of using her shower while I was in the bathroom, and just as I was finishing up there was a knock on the door.

"It's unlocked," I called out and put my face in the stream to wash the soap off before I poked my head out. Bella had my clothes and a towel, and put them down on the edge of the bathtub.

"Sorry about that. I was just folding them, and then the phone rang and-"

"Bells, it's okay," I interrupted.

She grinned. "Okay – hungry?" she asked, and I cocked an eyebrow making her cheeks flood with color as she stuttered, "F- for food, I mean, um... Okay, I'll be in the kitchen."

"Sorry, honey," I quickly said – _not really –_ but she'd already closed the door. I laughed.

_Food first._

_Jeez, can't a guy have some fun?_

_Plenty, but you'll pass out half way through._

Three things were foremost on my mind when I left the bathroom. One: I needed to bring some extra clothes to keep at Bella's place, especially boxers. Two: There was a God, because he made sure I only bought button-up jeans. And three: I'd totally missed one... or two?

Bella looked up from the frying pan with a grin. "I made you some breakfast," she said distractedly and glanced over her shoulder at the clock. "I don't have much time. I've got an appointment and, um, yeah – I can't miss it," she finished cryptically.

I raised a brow as I came up to stand behind her and slipped my hands around her waist. "Are you in trouble?" I teased and leaned down to rub my nose against her neck. She leaned into me with a soft sigh.

"Um, no. At least, not yet."

Lightly, I pressed my lips to her ear, her jaw and finally placed my cheek against hers as I glanced curiously at the contents of the frying pan. "Are you expecting to be?" I wondered and reached out to grab a piece of bacon. She swatted at my hand.

"Jake, it's hot!" she admonished, but I popped the piece into my mouth anyway. Sure enough, it was a bit hot but, as the wolf had pointed out, I was in severe need of food.

"I'll manage," I said while chewing.

She tilted her head to look at me and rolled her eyes. "God," was all she said, and I pecked her lips quickly before pulling back with a wide grin.

"Rose's lucky she's having a girl, you males are so impossible."

"Hey, you weren't complaining about the pro's of the male species last night-" I laughed, but allowed the pretty impressive smack she gave my shoulder. "-Besides, if I get burnt I'll heal fast enough, honey, so don't worry." Bella grabbed the plate next to the stove and scooped up some bacon and eggs then thrust it at me. "Oh, nice service," I complimented in an appreciative tone and winked. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." Her expression softened, then she looked almost nervous, which made me pause. "So, I've really got to get going, but... just make sure the door's locked if you have to leave, okay?"

I put the plate down, and pulled her to me with one hand in her hair, "Bells?" while the other circled her waist.

"Yeah?" she breathed.

"What's up?"

"Um, nothing's up – why would something be up?"

I smirked at that, making her eyes widen momentarily, then she shoved at my chest, making me chuckle. "Okay, okay – sorry," I sincerely said, but I was smiling now at the color in her cheeks and her escalating heartbeat.

"Honestly, Jacob, I _have _to go. It's – this is an important meeting," she managed with some semblance of seriousness.

"Do I get a kiss?" I faked a pout, making her eyes narrow.

"_A_ kiss, as in one?" she dubiously asked.

"Sure, sure. I can behave."

"Uh-huh." Not convinced, she still stretched up to meet my lips. I released her hair to feel down her back and reached beneath her blouse with both hands. She started to protest when I traced her bottom lip with my tongue. "Jake – you're not being fair."

I smiled. "Neither are you. You're wearing clothes."

Bella scoffed. "I guess I should walk around naked like you just did, huh?" The visual was enough to get me going, and I groaned.

"Don't make me answer that," I told her in a strained voice, again too damn grateful for my button-up jeans.

"Um..."

I chuckled, and then whispered, "Totally your fault."

She swallowed. "Okay – Jake? I've got to go."

Squeezing my eyes shut, I leaned my forehead against hers. "Okay, honey." Then stood there as she slipped out of my arms. I took a couple of calculated breaths . . .

"Oh," she said, and I opened my eyes when she came up to me again, her bag over her shoulder and a grin on her face. She took my hand and pressed something into it, then reached up to kiss my jaw. "I'll talk to you later."

"Yeah," I acknowledged, distracted by the tiny, cool object in my palm, and looked down – I stared. "Uh, Bells, what's with the-"

"Love you!" she called over her shoulder before she disappeared through the door.

"-key..."

Had she seriously just given me a key? Struck dumb, I just continued staring at it. At a moment like this, any other guy would drop the key and run for the hills – it would be up there with finding a pink toothbrush and tampons in his bathroom cabinet – but I wasn't just any guy. Also, I'd wanted and waited a damn century for this woman to reciprocate those wants so, instead – grateful for no witnesses – I did a fist-pump before slipping the key into my pocket and grabbing my breakfast.

_You're embarrassing yourself._

_Tell somebody who gives a shit._

**o~*iii*~o**

I was standing in the front office of Wreck & Roll, going over a few numbers with Leah and getting ready to close for the day when Sam walked in. Leah shifted awkwardly, which made me cock a brow when she wouldn't look up. I turned my eyes on Sam. He seemed normal – as normal as Sam could be with that beard he wouldn't get rid of – so I just shrugged.

"Time for a shave?" I wondered, getting the cash out of the register.

"Don't knock the beard, it's one of my best friends," Sam said with a grin.

I shook my head. "You keep strange friends," I offered, chuckling.

"You're one to talk," Leah said, and I glanced at her in question.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She turned a page over, smirking. "Have you forgotten about your furry little friends on the tundra?"

I laughed. "Oh, Pooky?"

"Pooky?" Sam wondered in confusion.

"Don't ask," Leah said. "It was disturbing."

"She's just jealous 'cause I preferred a squirrel's company to hers." I dodged Leah's hand before it could do damage to the back of my head.

"I had several 'conversations' with an owl back in the day," Sam revealed. Leah and I looked at him, surprised, and then she rolled her eyes.

"The Alpha thing must add to the crazy," she said under her breath.

My phone went off in my pocket, and I fished it up to answer. It was Bella.

Leah smirked again and continued leafing through the receipts.

I spoke to the phone. "Hey, what's up?"

"I'm almost there, and I really hope you're not busy," she said, all secretive-like.

"Not overly so, just got to finish clearing out the cash register, then we're closing for the day – why?"

"You'll find out soon enough – I have to make a turn now. I'll see you soon."

She hung up.

"That was fast," Leah said and I didn't even bother wiping the smile off my face. "Weren't you up there yesterday?" she continued.

"Yeah – so?"

Leah held her hands up in surrender, then grabbed the stack of receipts. "Since he's going to be all busy soon, can you help me with something, Sam?" she wondered.

"Yep, no problem," he agreed, and then to me, "I'll catch up with you later, I need some help back at the house."

"Sure, sure." I watched them as they walked outside.

I wasn't sure what was going on, and with our differing phasing schedules I hadn't gotten a look into Leah's mind lately. It was more a guessing game these days to figure her out. Sam wasn't much for talking about things, but could I really blame him? I'm sure his head had been quiet and calm once all the guys stopped phasing, but he'd still find the privacy to be invaluable.

I sure as hell enjoyed mine, and I hoped I'd never have anyone digging through my head again.

_There's nothing there of interest, it's all Bella Bella Bella._

_Thanks to you, smartass._

_It was like that from the moment I got hooked up with you, so don't you mouth off at me._

_What's with the attitude?_

_I'm just reflecting you._

_Reflect this. _I started humming bad 1990's one-hit-wonders in my head while finishing up with the cash register.

A flashy car pulled up just outside Seaview Cafe as I locked up the office and I saw Jamie get out. She studied at the University of Alaska, too, now, and shared a student apartment with someone Bella had helped her get in contact with. Now, being Friday, she was back, but I didn't recognize the car she'd arrived in.

Then a guy got out, and judging by Jamie's sheepish expression when she glanced my way, I had a pretty good idea it wasn't just a good Samaritan that had brought her home.

"Hey, Jake – come here for a minute," she called out to me. The guy turned his head in my direction and I smirked as he eyed me. _Don't worry, buddy, I'm not going to hurt you._

"Hey," I said to him.

Jamie rounded the car. "Ryan, this is Jake. Jake, Ryan."

Ryan thrust his hand at me, and I shook it. Surprise flashed on his face, and Jamie giggled. "Hey," he said. "Jamie's been telling me about you."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Don't get cocky," Jamie playfully said.

"Wouldn't dream of it." I winked at her and turned back to Ryan. "Watch out for this one if you're planning on keeping her company in the kitchen."

Jamie huffed. "Ass – way to drop him in the deep end."

He looked puzzled so I went on to clarify, "Don't worry, the end result is good. Just steer clear during the process."

"She does seem a bit uncoordinated," he allowed, and I had to laugh.

"A bit?"

"Jake!" Jamie smacked me.

"Okay – a lot," Ryan amended and at Jamie when her eyes widened in disbelief.

"Great." She turned to me. "Payback time, is it?"

"You and Bella gang up on _me_, so it's only fair," I pointed out. They did. What had I ever done to them? I couldn't say I minded though. If anything I was pretty stoked they both got along as well as they did.

"Speaking of the devil," Jamie said with a grin. I didn't need to look, I'd heard the truck approach, but I felt her. The door made a whiny noise – I guess it was time to oil the hinges – before slamming shut, and I turned to see Bella coming toward us.

Warmth instantly flooded my chest and then her arms came around me, making me wonder if my heart was going to jump out my chest. I curled an arm around her, holding her closer. "Hey, Bells," I said into her hair.

"Hey," she replied, giving my chest a nuzzle before turning to Jamie and Ryan. "And hey, again – how did the lecture go?" she asked Jamie.

"Oh my gosh, it was interesting!" she gushed. "I seriously could sit through his lectures for _hours._"

"He might be Count Dracula and possibly he inspired a lot of modern day beliefs," Ryan said. "But just because he impaled thousands of people doesn't mean he's a vampire – you don't become one until _after_ you die."

"That's a Strigoi," Jamie said. "Who says Romanian vampires are the real ones? There are a _ton_ of vampire legends."

I stared at them – Bella tugged my shirt to make me tear my eyes away. "They're studying Vlad the Impaler," Bella explained, then she smirked. "The _real_ Count Dracula."

"Uh-huh," I offered.

"Come on." Bella pulled on my hand. "Catch you later," she said to Jamie and Ryan. They gave us a distracted nod without interrupting their discussion.

"That was weird," I told her when we came up to the Chevy. "It's not every day you hear people talking about vampires," I jokingly added.

"Really?" Bella asked with an arched brow, but then her eyes lit up mischievously. "So... Remember that thing we talked about?"

Talking and explanations as to why she was here today could wait. I'd missed her and I'd be damned if I'd go another second without kissing her.

A gasp rushed from her lips before I smothered it with mine.

"Jake," she somehow managed, and pushed on my chest. "I have to tell you," she persisted. I gave up on her mouth as she was adamant to talk, instead brushing my lips across her cheek to her ear.

"It can wait," I whispered. She choked back on a giggle when my hands dove beneath her top – I frowned against her neck. "What's this?" I accused, tugging at the second layer of fabric tucked into her jeans.

"It's been a cold day," she defended, and I let her pull back. She was grinning.

"Right – it's got to come off," I said in a serious tone.

"Jake," she said, sighing. The flicker of emotion in her eyes told me she probably wouldn't mind if I picked her up and took her home right now, which is what I wanted to do. "Do you remember what we talked about?" she asked again, but more quietly. She had to know where my mind was.

"You're killing me, honey."

Bella feigned a pout. "Oh, well – I guess I'll just let my teachers know I won't be doing most my studies online after all, I mean, if you're not interested in me living with you, you're not." She shrugged indifferently.

That shut me up. I just stared at her, and then swallowed before I managed, "What...?"

She was trying really hard to hold the smile back, and it made her mouth twitch with the effort. Still faking disinterest, she continued. "I'll just leave the suitcase with all my clothes here in the truck – have you eaten yet? I can cook, unless you want to have something at the cafe." Bella sighed dramatically. "Oh well..." When she turned her back to start walking toward the cafe, I finally snapped out of it. She squeaked when I scooped her up.

"That's what you've been keeping from me?" I asked quietly as her hands fidgeted with my shirt. She didn't look at me, but she was smiling now, and then she nodded.

"Yeah – I'm sorry I didn't say anything, I wanted it to be a surprise." Slowly she met my eyes. "It's still what you want... Right?"

Was she seriously asking me that? "Honey," I said, but then I didn't know how to continue. _Holy fucking shit..._ "You're... Are you..."

_Oh, your way with words never ceases to amaze me._

_Shut up, Mr. Take-her-and-claim-her. _

_Just saying._

Her small hand on my face brought things back into focus. "I want to be with you all the time," she told me with such sincerity my heart hurt. "But I'll settle for as much, and as often as I can – which is why I had that appointment to discuss my studies and how to get around-"

I crushed her to me. "I love you," I whispered into her shoulder. Her lips moved against my ear, sending a wave of heat through me.

"Love you, too, Jake. I missed you."

Too much. Just _too fucking much._ I tugged impatiently at the shirt – if I couldn't touch her skin soon I'd go crazy – until I managed to mold my hand against the warmth I needed. She slid down against me, and when her feet touched the ground I let my other hand slip beneath the layers to splay across her lower back.

"Missed you more," I said, feeling my insides relax as I stroked up and down her smooth skin. "You're honestly going to stay with me now?" As much as I just knew it was true, and felt the conviction behind her words, I had to hear it again.

"Yeah," she replied and tilted her head to look up at me. "I'll have to go to campus a couple of days a week still for the few classes that aren't offered online, and for labs and things, but I'll be here, and when I can't be, you've got a key to my apartment..."

I was such a girl, but I couldn't help it, and Bella's eyes widened as she saw the proof. "Shh, honey," I told her thickly before she could comment. "Don't talk." I pressed my lips into hers and she parted them to draw me in. Her warm tongue stroked against mine, deep and slow, as I clutched her tightly against me.

We broke apart when my hands wanted to touch more than I should in public, and Bella wriggled out of my arms to walk around the back of her truck while straightened her shirts.

"Want to help me carry?" she asked, her face slightly flushed, but grinned widely.

"Yeah, I can do that." I took a deep breath then let out a sputtering laugh when I saw not one, and not two, but _three_ large suitcases on the truck bed. "You don't travel light, do you, Bells?"

She shrugged. "I'll be spending more time here than in Anchorage, so of course I had to bring all the essentials."

I grabbed all three, leaving her empty handed. Instead she shoved her hands in her pockets and walked with me down alongside Wreck & Roll and into my courtyard.

Once inside, I brought the suitcases down to my bedroom. "You'll have to dig around and rearrange things, honey, 'cause I don't know how you want stuff." I turned to her where she stood leaning against the doorframe.

"You really don't want to give me that permission," she said in a playful tone.

"And why's that?"

"You might not find your things once I'm done." She laughed when my brows pulled down in worry. "I'm kidding, I won't mess it up..." She came up to me and gave my shirt a light tug. "...too badly." She winked and leaned up to peck my chin. "Now – have you eaten?"

"Nope."

"Want me to cook something?" she asked and moved toward to door while unzipping her jacket. She paused. "You _do_ have food here, right?"

I laughed. "We're hopeless, but, come on, we're male. We can't live without food."

Her eyes narrowed. "That all depends on what you classify as food."

Shaking my head, I moved past her, but grabbed her hand to pull her along. "If Jamie doesn't help, Nessie makes sure there's decent stuff here." I opened the freezer and stepped aside to show Bella. "Good enough?"

"Holy crap," was all she said.

"Knock yourself out."

Her eyes flitted to mine briefly, then back to the freezer. "Yeah, I think I might."

"I'll grab a shower while you give it a whirl," I said. "Unless you want my help?"

Bella was already digging through the shelves. "No, it's okay, I'll... figure it out," she assured me before I left the kitchen.

**o~*iii*~o**

Showered and in a ratty old pair of sweats – when in my own home, I really couldn't give a shit what I put on – I came into the kitchen to find Bella balancing on her tiptoes on a chair, trying very hard to reach a can of crushed tomatoes from the top shelf in the pantry.

"Aw, honey," I said softly. "Need help?" I grinned when she threw me a look over her shoulder.

"No. By all means, stand there and laugh at me instead."

"Well..." I quirked a brow meaningfully toward her ass. "I don't mind the view."

"Ugh – a little help?"

Before she could turn, I put my hands on her thighs, sliding upward while letting my thumbs brush across her ass. I leaned down to kiss a strip off exposed skin just at her hip where her shirt had hiked up. "Mm, you look pretty good up here, Bells," I mumbled against the soft warmth.

"Jacob," she scolded as I looked up at her. "I'm in the middle of cooking."

I shrugged. "Don't let me interrupt," I said but returned to her hip, raising the fabric a bit more while trailing the indent of her waist with my lips.

"That's distracting, too, you know," she said a bit unevenly.

"Is it?" I moved my hands to the front of her thighs, letting my fingertips feel along the inner seam of her jeans, upward, making her breath stutter on each intake. "And this?"

"Not helping," she whispered.

I kissed my way to her stomach, closing my eyes when I caught her scent. "Yeah... you're not helping either, honey," I told her, my voice giving away her effect on me, and straightened. I let her shirt fall back into place and reached up to grab the can for her.

"Thank you," she mouthed, then leaned in to touch her lips to mine.

I was supposed to just stand back and let her cook, was I? No. Fuck that.

I stepped closer until our bodies were touching, wrapped my arms around her, and held her tightly as I demanded more from her mouth. A tiny protest escaped her when I picked her up and walked her over to the counter where she'd started cutting onions. I swiped it all to the side, put her down and stepped between her knees.

"Jake," she gasped when something clattered to the floor.

"Oops," I mumbled against her lips. Not that I _really_ cared. Instead I grabbed her thighs and kissed her hard.

A whimper slipped out of her when she pressed herself against me. I was already so damn hard it wasn't funny, and I'd been going crazy for her since yesterday morning. Sam hadn't been kidding when he said I should count my blessings Bella and I hadn't had sex.

_Too late now._

_No fucking shit._

_But you don't regret it._

_Uh... hell no?_

Bella's hands fluttered down my front, coming to rest at the waistband of my sweats. She tugged lightly. "Take them off," she whispered.

"You first."

She moved her hands quickly to unbutton her jeans, and when she started wriggling to get them down I slipped my hands around her hips to help, lifting her by her ass. After a few huffs, she kicked the pants off.

"I hope you don't like these," I told her, running a finger along the edge of her panties.

"Huh?" Her eyes searched mine as I reached down... and ripped them off. I tossed them over my shoulder. Bella gaped at me, and then sucked in a sharp breath when I found her slick and ready with my fingers.

"Fuck, I need you." I buried my hand in her hair and crushed her mouth with mine, at the same time slipping a finger inside her. _Jesus and fuck._ A moan vibrated in the back of her throat when I added another finger, moving them in and out of her to the matching strokes of our tongues.

Bella quivered around me and I felt her tugging at my sweats. Our mouths separated, and she panted, "Please, Jake, I want you. _Now_."

I sure as shit wasn't arguing with that, and withdrew my fingers to shove my pants and boxers down, kicking them off. She grabbed me with one hand, and I groaned at how freaking soft and perfect she felt. Then she scooted forward and ran the tip of me against her wet folds.

"Bella..." I gripped her hips as she guided me into her. It was too easy now to give in and to the surprise of us both, I shoved inside her to the hilt, making us both moan.

I held still, with major effort, as I tried to gain some semblance of control. All I really wanted to do, though, was to take her. _Hard. Dammit. Are we going to have this problem every single goddamn time?_

_You know what you want, so stop whining._

Slowly, ignoring the rush in my veins that demanded more, I pulled back a fraction before I pushed back inside. "I missed you," I whispered against her ear. Again I repeated the movement. She felt her way up my chest and outward across my shoulders before anchoring herself to my arms as I continued to move inside her.

"Mm, missed you, too – _oh_ – you feel _so good._"

_Jesus Christ. I can't... _"Honey?" I kept moving. In. Out. And fuck it was so damn good. Her breath hitched when somehow I'd picked up the pace and thrust into her harder than I intended.

"Let go," she coaxed in a raspy whisper. "I'm yours, Jake. I'm not as breakable as you think I am." Her eyes held mine as I slowed down to an almost stop to search for a contradiction. She reached up and took my face between her hands. "I want _you, _all of you. Don't hold back, baby, it's okay."

_Mine._

A shudder ran along my spine, but I ignored the fire in my blood. "Fuck, honey, you can't say shit like that-" _Goddammit._ I slipped my hands to cup her ass and lifted her off the counter. "You want me?" She nodded and wrapped her legs around my waist. _God._ "And what if I don't want all that there is to me anymore?" This was fucked up. I was inside her, she wanted me and I wanted her but I had to do this _now?_

A wave of heat hit me.

"Anything you want, I want... I didn't mean-"

"Shh, I know. I just-" A groan. "Fuck it." Bella let out a surprised sound when her ass hit the table and I laid her back and hovered over her. "I'm giving it up, Bells, I never wanted it, but I always wanted you." I leaned one elbow next to her and grabbed her thigh to lift and open her up. "Is that okay with you, honey?"

Her eyes were wide, and she was going to say something but when I pushed into her again, and then again, only a wordless moan came out.

"I need to know that it's okay," I reiterated while our bodies came together with a series of stumbling breaths, wet noises and slick skin against skin. It wasn't possible to feel this fucking good, but, ultimately, she still could break me if she wanted.

"I- I need," she said as her breathing caught. "I need you to be happy, Jake, that's all. Whatever you need, I need." She focused her eyes on me. "No matter what, so-" I covered her mouth with mine and didn't hold back on the blazing heat that burst in my chest...

...and gave _my _girl what we both wanted on _our_ kitchen table.

_I'm still here, you dick._

_Shut up. I'm busy._

For once the dude with the magnifying glass left me alone, and no one walked in while Bella and I put the kitchen to good use.

Wonders will never cease.

**o~*iii*~o**

* * *

***~oiO\_ _Important Author's Note__/Oio~***

_I want to thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for reading this story (both versions; those of you who knew the first one) and for sticking with me and with it. And a big thank you to **Cretin** who made Soulmatter 2.0 the great effort that it was. I couldn't have done it without her._

_I might not return to it. (I might...)_

_the end_

**o~*iii*~o**


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